Free

An enormous amount of things have happened since my last entry. I am simply amazed at how it is that one instant in life that changes everything. And how it is again that one instant that changes it back. I might begin to ponder about this and yet i know it was always lurking around. Now i feel free. Free for the first time after many years. It feels like a heavy burden has been lifted.
Module 2 of POE was an experience in more ways then one. I would not say that it was a life transforming course for me as in all ways, i have not changed. It did however, alter some perspectives that i've been harbouring for a long time. For a long time, i wanted to know who i was. What was my purpose in life and what i was here to do. I wanted to find myself before taking another step forward. However, i realise now that life is a journey of self discovery. That i didn't need to know who i was. All i had to know was what i had and how best to use the resources i had in me. The timeline exercise shocked me. Shocked me coz i didn't know how much my mind was trying to hide. It kept such a tight grip as it was unwilling to let go. I said that physically i was ready to move on. Yet in fact, i was not ready emotionally. I was so frightened of the prospect of the future that i just wanted to sit on my ass and wait for things to happen so that i could react to it.
I'm so grateful to Yezhong for being so patient with me and walking this road with me. Now in reflection, i realise that he had been preframing way before the course started. What touched me most was when Papa Bear came after the program to share with me just how many people have worked just to make things happen for me. I feel so blessed and am so thankful that people around me saw so much in me that they felt it was necessary for them to give me the confidence and belief in myself. The course was a hard journey that i didn't want to walk. For the longest of time, i refused to face up to reality. I wanted only for each day to pass as i saw no purpose. If and when i find out who were those that helped me walk this road, i want to say i am really grateful and thankful.
Met a couple of Superman's friends from philippines. They were all fun loving and it was really enjoyable being out with them. It is at times like this where i feel thankful and i believe everything in life happens for a reason. Superman said that when it comes to his friends, he spoke with his heart. And i do believe that. I believe that in friendship, it is the heart that talks the loudest. And a silent murmur from the heart speaks volumes. I am glad that through this, i have met grea people like Lester, Gary, Edwin, Joscelin, Ivan and many many more.
Tour guide was out with us for most of the nights. I finally found the courage to broach on a topic that was taboo up till now. I asked him if he would sleep with me. I know now that it the respect that he had for me and the value of our friendship that prevented him from doing so. I will respect the decision that he makes. However, it did not come out the way it was meant to. What i wanted to tell him was how much he meant and that i would like to be more special in his life. I wanted to tell him that although i want to sleep with him, it would not be at the expense of our friendship. Wanted to tell him that sleeping was secondary to what we had at the moment. But i guess it didn't come out right. As of this minute, i don't know how our friendship has changed, but i know that behind every behaviour is a positive intention. And should he think that it is better that we walk the path of life without each other's company, i will live with that. And yet i know that he is matured and sensitive enough to accept what i have shared and still carry on being friends.
Today, i received a big bouquet of flowers from a friend. It has been a long time since i last received flowers. As in one bouquet. Think the last time i did was when i was 18, or maybe 17. It brought a huge smile to my day and i made me know that things are all going to be alright. Thank you friend if you are reading this.
Life throws us many curves all the time. I know now that everything happens for a reason. It is how i feel that is more important. As of this moment, even as i type out and reflect on all the incidences that have happened from last week to this week, i know now that i am stronger then i once believed. And i thank each and everyone who has made me once again believe what i have wanted to believe for a long time and yet was scared. A load has been lifted and i am glad that i am beginning to see a glimpse of myself once again. As i walk down this new path, i am amazed at what i'm beginning to find and see. Just thinking about it makes me grin. And finally now, i know i will be fine. That i had it in me all this while.