Something quite interesting happened yesterday. A friend that i've known for like forever flew back to Singapore. We had grown up together and he was suddenly back in town without even an email. He called to say he wanted to meet up and asked me out for coffee. We met yesterday. The reason why he was back? Was to hear a claim for a trust fund that was set up for him. He asked if i was willing to marry him. Interesting isn't it? I thought these sort of things only happened in movies. We were young and carefree then when we made a pact that we would get married to each other if we weren't married by the time one of us wanted to settle down and we would discuss about marrying each other. Over the years, i've made this same pact with 2 buddies of mine. But all these was in fear that i might not get married by the time i wanted to settle down, which was like about 30 or 35. Buddy A and i made the agreement to marry when i am 30 and buddy B at 35. So typical of me to preplan every aspect in my life at a tender age.
Of course i forgot about the agreement that i made with Mr X a long time ago. He's now finished med school as is a doctor in New Zealand. Over the years, we've been in contact, first through snail mail, then through email as we grew older. Through all our letters and mail, we never talked about romance or even about us getting together. This came as a super surprise. But then again, i guess deep down in my heart, i knew at some point he was in love with me. But yet again, at that time, i wasn't really interested in men at all. All i wanted was the finer things in life like personal achievement. When he finally flew off, i missed him, but i was still with Guardian then. I knew he was upset. But he never confronted me. He just wished me happiness. I believe the last time i saw him prior to yesterday was when i saw him off when he flew off to New Zealand to study.
All my life i believed in the fairy tale dream. A man that i truly love with all my heart, proposing to me to marry him. Someone who is also a romantic at heart, with flowers, a teddy bear and a ring. At a place that i love. He proposes.. None of that happened last night at all. It was just like any business transaction that i've heard of. What do you think? Think about it and get back to me. Sometimes i really don't know what i want. Do i want to be with this guy because of his money? Do i want to be with him coz i'm so afraid that i'll end up being alone? I've long ago championed the cause of being independent. And in my search for independence, i've also been afraid that i would be lonely when i grow old with no one to love me and cherish me. And therein lies my dilemma.
Superman said to marry him. I guess its true after all. Not many people get a chance to be a millionaire. And yet, if i turn to my heart, it is equally confused. It's not like i detest the guy. Its just that i don't love him. Can love be nurtured slowly? If yes, how come some love don't work out. If no, then isn't it pointless to marry him in the first place? Do i place a worth on myself and go ahead and marry a man that i have not seen for the last 7 years, or do i believe i'm still young and can still wait.... I know he will not wait for me. Coz it is after all a business transaction. One day when i look back at today, will i regret the decision that i made? Will i regret not choosing when i had the choice? Or will i merely meet up with him one day and laugh about the fact that we even considered it in the first place... I really don't know. I guess only time will tell.
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