Simple life

Life is so interesting.. One day you think you are fine, and the next, who knows?
Superman's bday came and passed. Seems insignificant now. But it was something that i looked forward to. Dinner with some close friends. It was pleasant as all dinners are. But i guess i was just tired. Or maybe the dinner was all i expected it to be. Food was excellent, dinner talk was peppered with loads of jokes, talk turned to the life of the rich and famous, and once again, all i did was sit and smile and not contribute. So, what is it about this picture that wasn't so picture perfect? Well, i really am not sure. I guess sometimes i ask myself exactly what or who my friends are. I mean, sometimes, i feel that the conversation is really shallow and maybe i'm not a big group person coz i hate being in a situation where i have to act like i'm enjoying the conversation and things gg on ard me. Sole consolation of the night was, tour guide sat next to me, due to some adjustments done by the waitress, and i guess his words when we were walking to Siam. "Let's make an agreement. Expensive stuff i pay, cheap stuff you pay."
My normal reaction would be to say, why you think i cannot afford it issit? But i agreed. Funny how being with a person that you like makes you do weird stuff? But i guess there is a logical explaination to that. When i figure it out, i'll post it. Anyway, he flew off to Bangkok and came back last night.
Superman and i haven't been talking for a while now. I can't tell if it's coz he is getting married soon or its because he has been having so many family problems. But i know i wasn't disappointed when he didn't call today once again although he promised to call last night. There is a part of me that wants to throw a tantrum, but i guess the rational part of me feels that its not fair. Yet, i miss the times when he's around a lot and shares and entertains me. Tour guide doesn't fill that part although a huge part of my liking has gone on to him. But, some how, i feel that its always by his terms and his rules that the game is being played. But i hate this game. Why can't it be a game where the rules are stated and laid out. Or maybe they are and i never got to the rules part. I'm tired of him. Tired of the lack of verbal answers that i'm getting out of him. Is it too much to ask if he just told me if there was a chance? And even if there was a chance, how long do i have to wait. Or rather, how long am i willing to wait? If patience was a test, i would fail that test miserably. I know that. But, i just want an answer. I guess like Superman, if he just gave me an answer, i can move on.
People say choices have consequences. And i guess for me, i don;t want to make the choice of walking and realising that it was all possible. Yet, i don;t want to sit around and wait any longer. I always tot i wanted a simple life. A life with the man i love, who loved me back, two kids, living happily ever after. Sounds weird eh? I mean, me.. of all people. I want to believe i'm going through a period of change in my life. And i want to start making those changes. For a long time, i chose to live a life of inaction. Now i'm tired. Tired of all the dreams that i have, tired of wanting a man who cannot give me an answer, tired of friends who fail time and again, tired of working crazy hours for a boss that will only ask for more. I want to chart my own path, my own destiny. Not one that 10 million other people have walked down. And for that to happen, i must plan. For now, i need sleep to walk a longer distance.