Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Getting to know yourself

Get to know yourself
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Haa.. Nothing better to do so did the quiz. Really?? Thought i had loads to do. Anyway, take everything with a pinch of salt. http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

My thoughts

I should have not been born in this era. I should be born in an era where all i had to do was sit around and think and be profound. Life throws us lots of curves all the time. Why? Does anyone ever wonder why some things happen at all? Is it a greater divine force generating the things that happen around us? Or is it merely actions of certain people that make things happen?
Why is there fear? I need to read about that. Are people fearful for the power that they hold, not sure of how to yield that power or what diverse effects that power if unleashed would create? Or is it the lack of power that makes people fearful? Is it the lack of life and lack of survival tactics that make people fearful? Or are people fearful as they set in their routine. A feeling that they have grown on them. But what makes a routine? Was there one to start off with? I mean don't all children grow up to adults. Why is it as a child there is hardly any fear. But as one grows older, the fears suddenly mount. The numbers uncountable?
There was once a person i knew. Lets call the person Z. Z was surely a carefree person. There was not a thing that Z could not handle. The world could fail and i was certain that Z would have taken it in stride and walked forward. I asked Z once. Aren't you tired from being so strong? For being such a person. Is that the real you? Do you need love like the rest of us? Do you not feel? Or is it that you don't want to feel? Z had many friends. But yet, no one really close. Z could not feel for these people. Z would keep people at bay. That was Z's way of not getting hurt. But isn't it Z's fear of getting hurt that made Z react that way? So albeit the fact that i felt Z was not fearful of anything, in actuality, Z was afraid.
Many years later, i met Z again. Z had certainly changed. No longer was the person standing in front of me successful. Not that Z was no longer successful. Z was no longer a demi-god. Z had become human. For that i was glad. Z attempted to get to know me better this time round. But, it was then that i realized that Z had flaws. No longer that perfect person. I wondered if i could accept that. Z reflected upon life the way i constantly do. Embrace life coz there will constantly be fears. However, each different path a person chooses, there are different fears. Different things to tackle. Z had changed. Z had mellowed. But i ask Z, " Are you happier now as compared to before?" Z's answer shocked me," I was guarded then and i could not appreciate the people around me. I'm sorry i took people for granted then."
For a moment then, i thought that Z had truly seen the light. Z was a much nicer person now. At least at first glance, i felt that Z was now caring and more genuine. But as with all stories, there is always a part two. Z continued," i feel like i opened pandora's box. Out of sheer curiosity, i went to embrace a world that was foreign to me. And i don't like this world. I feel better in my other world. But i can't go back there. Why i'm not sure. But i can no longer walk back into that world. Just like the box, it's hard to put evil and all back in the box. What keeps me going is that one last thing was left in the box. Hope. But hope doesn't drive people. Hope only makes people desire for a past that is no longer around. Hope makes people react. But yet, when there is no hope, people despair."
I was shocked at Z's words. I said this in response. "Z, Hope came into the world for the very reason that you said. To give people some light. So that they will not despair. Why not look at what you have now. Compare it to what you had then. Is it better? Now that you've experienced two worlds, doesn't it make you a more perceptive person? If you are not quite happy with the current world, fine tune it. Make the necessarily changes. Don't harp on a past that is already gone. Look forward to making today better for yourself. Walking backwards does not promote growth in anyway. Walking forward is the only way to get to where you want to go. Unless of course you tell me that it's what's behind that is where you want to go. But if that is the case, how can you be a better or happier person if where you want to go was behind you? All roads eventually lead to Rome. Be bold, take steps and you will get to where you want to go."
I thought about what i said long after Z had left. Funny how i felt like Z in many ways. A colourful past moulded me into who i am today. But here at this point, it is fear of the unknown that stops me from progressing in tune with society. That stops me for searching so that i can be a better person. I know i can be so much better. I've travelled two worlds. But now do i know which world i like better? I make my own adjustments and i move on. Life doesn't end the minute you take a different road. And more often then not, taking the path less travelled brings many rewards. Coz that path still contain many more treasures that have not been discovered. Now at the crossroads, i have to make a choice. To go where many have travelled or to continue on this path less travelled. For that i turn to my heart. And i guess i've always known the answer.....

Sunday, June 26, 2005

White, black or grey

Out of the blue, my sms sounded. You know that eerie sound that came along with it. It contained the standard simple msg. "Lunch can? Can't make it at night, gg to work." Funny how such a simple sms could inspire such mix feelings. Confusion struck a chord in my heart once again. How can such a simple note bring out the worst and best in one? I even had to ensure that i wasn't dreaming by replying," You sms me ar?" Oh what an utter joke? But for a moment there, i thought he had sms me by mistake. And when i told him that over lunch, he had a good laugh. Somehow, i bet he knew that was the answer. Maybe its the commitment part of me running away, but just now when we were discussing future stuff, i freaked out. I wanted to run away. And the fact that we snapped at each other again, didn't make me feel bad. Mayb that's what i meant when i always sabotage my own relationships. Anyway, its a good thing.. today i did a test. And amazingly, i passed with flying colours. Or so i think?
There are so many special people in my life that i can't exactly say who is the most special. But i did meet one of them today. She was as usual an anchor in my life. I know that we cannot go back to the times where we were close as peas. I ached at a statement that she made. That how we guard our privacy was one of the many things that we take down different roads. But how well she knew me. How well the twice a year meetings would still revert back to a time where there were only the two of us. Where we find such simple joys in just being in the company of each other, of hugging each other. Of her telling me just how special i was, how much there was to love about me and her just allowing me to be me. I can take off my mask when i'm with her. Today, we shared again. I am happy to see her moving on so well. I've long come to accept that we will never walk down the same road. But at the same time, it doesn't mean that we cannot share a bond that can only strengthen with time. I love her so much.
Today, a thought struck me. Was she the first person that i truly fell in love with? Or was it just friendship? Funny how i feel they are so alike. Two perfect outings in a day, i guess all good things do come to those that wait and are patient.

Marriage

She got married today. I dropped a tear. Mixed emotions. Time has flown past. No longer possible to capture the time of our youths. She was busy. I didn't tell her she was beautiful. Did she know? I'm her best friend. But i couldn't embrace her the way the others did. We said we'll grow old together once a long time ago. We said we'll get married together. We'll have little children whom we'll bring out and let our children know each other. Such youthful dreams. She was going to throw the flowers to a lucky person. The next in line. She asked me to catch it. I said i wasn't ready. WIll things change after today? Seems like i'm not the adaptable person that i think i am. Fear stopped me once. I wasn't ready for change. I wanted the world to go back to the time when we were younger. Carefree and happy always.
The time has past.. Looking at her today, i realize that we've grown up. We've moved on. Our dreams have changed and so have our views.
Today i witnessed her marriage. Her wedding vows. It is beautiful. But i knew that it was not for me. The little girl in my heart has grown up. No longer does she need me to protect her and watch out for her. Instead, today, she became a woman. Or maybe she became a woman way ahead of me. I just didn't notice. I wish her the best. My blessings aplenty.
A tear dropped. For the time that has past, for the price of youthful behaviour, for all that should have been, would have been, but is not.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Puzzlement

She's attached? Did she mean what she said? Was i right or was i wrong? It's funny how i never tend to read these sort of things correctly. For a while i thought i was pretty good at this. Maybe it's because i've not done so over the years, choosing to turn a blind eye more often then not. Am i happy for her? Yes. I believe so. But what she says still haunts me. "I hinted to you, but you said no." Sometimes i can't help but wonder whether i do exactly what brother does. I seem to be sabotaging my own happiness. I'm running this race. I have a choice which heat i want to be in. You must top your race to qualify for the semis. In the mean time, should you lose your heat, you can run in the losers league and still qualify. First race, all their seed times are worse then mine. But i stand there not wanting to run this race. I say to myself," This is no thrill. I know i will win for sure. Let me wait for a tougher heat." And then the second race, all their seed times are better then me. I want to run in that race. And this has been a pattern of my life. It goes back to a question that i asked when i was 12. To be a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in the big sea.
I must be happy for her. But i cannot see happiness in her eyes. And i will not do anything about it. For i know i can never give her contentment. Not at this stage in my life. I am selfish. But i will not bring another person pain. I know she will one day be happy. But her happiness does not lie with me. I might be speaking too soon. But for some strange reason, i'm back at 15, in school, when pooh feel in love with tigger. Doesn't make sense. At that time, tigger just wasn't ready to be with anyone. So pooh chose piglet. That didn't change things. Tigger was never the settling down sort. Tigger just wanted to be alone. It was in being alone that tigger found the energy and strength to be the happiest tigger around. Years have past, and i feel the same way tigger felt years ago. Maybe what he said at the end of the day makes sense. I'm scared of commitment more then i let people believe. I tried time and again to prove this theory wrong, but would only sabotage my relationships. So that they will eventually leave and i could point my finger and say, well, he wanted out. Not me.
She is now home. Asleep i hope. And i know that she will stay special. I will be nice to her. For she reminds me of yan. I was wrong then. I didn't know better and i didn't treasure you enough. Someday i hope i can tell you straight in your face that i didn't mean to hurt you. I I'm sorry.
He called today. He said the same things again. I'm puzzled. I want to know what happened. Is there a story behind it all? Here i am signing out, confused and puzzled.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Wedding bells are ringing

Today i learnt a lesson. That when the time is right, irregardless of the personality, they will learn to settle down. Superman is getting married. I should have seen it coming. And i guess if its anyone that i rather see him get married to, it must be her. She is so special and so giving in her own way. She adores and trust him and most importantly, there is no jealousy towards me with regards to him. I feel a sense of peace as i have finally found the answer to my question. I often wondered how i will take it if i found out that he was going to get married. And now i know the answer. It wasn't so bad was it?
Something else happened amidst this beautiful night. For some reason, Superman doesn't like my friend very much. Was it a gut feel? And can past experiences speak for the future or the present for that matter. This one girl, i care for like a sister. This one man, i care for like a brother. The conflict is apparent. I want both to be happy. And was it a mistake to tell her that he doesn't like her? I felt that she was affected by it. But then again, i would be to. Sometimes i ask myself if he is merely selfish. He wants all my love and attention. But yet at other times, i know he does look out for me. He cares. In a brotherly fashion. In fact, over the course of our relationship, he has time and again looked out for me. Do i trust his instincts or do i trust my own?
I know myself best. Up till the time where i have cause to doubt her, she remains like a kid sister to me. I need no prove or commitment. Because the path of life is such. I wish him the happiness that he will find. I wish she will not be bothered about him. But for her to do just so, she must first learn to love herself more. I only want to see them both happy. Wedding bells are a ringing. At that moment, i know i am not ready.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The light @ the end of the tunnel

I've seen the light. It's a really dim one as yet. But, for some reason, i've caught sight of it.
i guess that is a good thing. Many people wander around aimlessly as they are searching for this one light. For me, i too have been wandering aimlessly around. This morning when i woke up, i came to a realisation. And for that i am thankful. I'm finally over TG. For sme peculiar reason, after almost 10 months of wandering, i've woken up to a thought. A thought that has set me free. I'm alright now. Funny how it wasn't a life changing moment, or something spectacular.
Alright, one thing out of the way. But then again, i guess this has to do with the fact that i'm beginning to see the greater picture. Yes.. That has to be good. I feel like i slept through this coma and woke up. I haven't changed very much. But the world sure has. And right now, do i change in tune with the world, at my own pace, or do i hurry along to catch up on lost time. Its no longer about the greater scheme of things. Sometimes, all you have to do is look inside and find the answers. The answers are all there actually. I guess sometimes, you just don't want to know the answers. Maybe that's why there are people that spend their whole lives looking for that one simple answer that was staring them in the face. I've found mine. I can only say with conviction that i'll see them through. What the world holds for me i cannot fathom, but slowly and surely, if i am taking steps forward, i will be closer to my goal. Or if you look at it from the flipside, i will be walking away from the world that sheltered me for the length of time that i believed that i belonged in that world.
A sense of relief as i unload that baggage. A new world awaits me, with new challenges, i'm getting closer to that mountain top. Surely that is better then the rut that i was in? New problems will arise. But i am confident that they can be conquered. With renewed strength, i walk into the new world. I brush aside my feelings of uncertainty. I embrace the feelings of anticipation. I know i have grown. I know for sure now i am truly strong. That i am now, who i am and who i want to be.

Do people really want the truth

Its funny how people in general claim that they all want the truth. But then again, how come the truth hurts and then people regret that they ever asked for the truth in the first place. I was victim to a truth session earlier on in the evening. 4 friends chilling out, when all of a sudden the taboo topic was brought up.
J: What do you see in Tour Guide? I mean, if you want my honest opinion, both of you are not compatible. And more importantly, he doesn't even like you. Not in the romantic sense at least. Read it from his body language. --> waves hand madly.. Hello.. i didn't ask for your honest opinion here..
S: Ya. I agree. He looks like my father's brother. By that i mean like an Uncle. I mean he's so much older then you, doesn't even look handsome. --> Handsome? Do i really look like i've been searching for a stud all my life? You mean i've been potraying such a shallow outlook? Or is it just you talking?

Ouch! Where did that come from. Are looks really that important? Are we really living in a world that is so shallow? Whatever happened to wit, intelligence, charm. Are all these really secondary to LOOKS?

Me: Well, i guess he's intelligent, witty and charming. Just what i like in a man. And i guess i like him for more then the outward appearance.

I knew i was tredding on dangerous grounds. My friends weren't wrong. I mean, they did speak the truth. But how do you define and explain attraction? Is it chemistry gone wrong? Is it more to that? If i were such a guru, i would have published a book and made my millions years ago. So i admit. I'm no guru and the answer has evaded me for the longest of time.

J: Well, i really think he's not interested in you at all lah. I mean he seems like a rather westernised man. And all that hand holding and kissing, in my opinion, is just his character. Nothing to it. A girl can tell straight off if the guy is interested. Can't you?

If i knew the answer to that bloody question, i would have gotten my own answer like a year ago. Would i have had to wait till now for my answer? Not very perceptive are we?

Not like i didn't have a million other things on my mind, plus the Zzzz monster was all ready to take over, our usual chill out session turned from pleasant, to not-so-pleasant. And the best part was, i didn't even start the topic. But on the flipside, i know they just care. No one wants to see me hurt. So i guess, they meant well. But is it all that bad to live in my fantasy world for a while. All fantasies must end. And so is this the cruel ending? Where the prince does not find Cinderella, or when he fails to find Snow White..

Oh well, Superman's birthday is just round the corner. For a while i thought of what to buy for him. He is after all so special in my life. But apparently tickets to concerts do not come cheap these days. Weighing the op cost of it, if he goes, i don't. Kinda feel like buying him one ticket and buying myself the other. But then, it wouldn't be nice would it? I guess i better start saving. Weather forecast: Rainy days and thunderstorms ahead.
Tour Guide smsed again to ask when Superman's birthday is. For someone that has stored the date into his O2 mini twice, i would recommend that he toss it out of the window. Not before telling me which window he is tossing it out of. Anyway, he said he wanted to get Superman something. And i asked that we share. I guess it's good to be rich.
Me: So what's your budget like?
TG: Anything lah. You buy and we split half. You have any idea?
Me: Well, tot of buying him tickets to Jacky Cheung's concert.
TG: So what are the tickets like?
Me: From 98 to 228.
TG: Quite pricey eh, but you pay how much i pay how much lor.
Now this brings a whole new problem into the equation. I mean, Superman is my Superman. I spent 900 on his birthday last year. THis year, i'm halving it. So it's no big deal. In fact, if not for the fact that failed maths once too often in school, i would have thought i did my sums pretty well and i was getting a great deal out of this. But, how deep does the brotherhood go? How much would a guy spend on another guy's birthday. We're talking about two men, straight as an arrow here. So, should i go ahead and buy my present, collect like a hundred from TG, get him to sign his name on the card and give it to Superman, or should i go hunt for another present that is less pricey. But it goes back to my fundamental problem. What do you get for a guy that has everything he needs and whatever he wants, he'll probably attain it way before the bank stops charging me for insufficient funds? Moral of the story, don't adopt friends who are richer then you. That way, during their birthdays, there is at least a wish list that is at the very least affordable.
Alright. Enough rumblings for the night
On a last note, i really want to know the truth. But, can you ease the hurt that comes together with it? Like going to macdonalds for a extra value meal. I just like the sausage mcmuffin with egg. No hashbrowns please. They taste disgusting. You get the idea............

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Quotable quotes

We all have to lose sometimesbefore we can win.We have to cry sometimes before we can smile.We have to hurt before we can be strong.But if you keep on working and believing, you'll have victory in the end.
- Ann Davies

Time travel

A machine materialised before me and a Being stepped out. It said to me,"This is a time machine. You can take it back in time to change a point of your life where you felt it defined you. What would it be? Do you want to take this trip?"
I looked up at the Being, a look of bewilderment took over. I was speechless. Not so much as i had never seen the being before, but rather from the fact that i could not decide which moment in my life i would like to go back to. There were so many. Was it that time in my childhood where i had shelved away the memory, never to bring it out or up again? Would it have changed me as a person? Would it be at the point of time when i met Guardian and fell in love with him and in the process forsaken all that loved and cared about me in ways he would never comprehend? Was it the time where i felt that i was no longer important? I was stumped.
The Being said to me," Take your time to decide girl. For you only get one chance to change things. This is your one chance in life."
With a forlorn look, i turned away. I was not ready to take the ride. I spoke in a hushed voice, not sure what it was i was hiding from, "Thank you for your offer. I'm not sure which point in my life i would like to change. For i have seen the light."
If i had not met Guardian, i would not have lost so much. I would not have paid a price that till today, i'm offsetting that debt. Jin would still be in my life, a treasured and worthy one. But a part of me asks, did our friendship mean so little that it could be so easily shattered? But then again, if you look at the other side of the coin, maybe i chose to shut her out of my life. Jin has taught me to appreciate the people in my life so much more. Cause i don't want to feel that same way with anyone agian. She mentioned before that it was water under the bridge. And also, bridges once broken could no longer be repaired. It's not like we're no longer friends. But that feeling once so deep is skimming the surface now.
My projected life if i had not met Guardian, finished college, gone to law school, become a top litigator, met someone else, got married. But often i asked myself, was that what i wanted? Is it merely love i needed at that point of time so much so i was willing to forsake everything i had at that moment to be in his arms, knowing that it was momentary joy that i had. But, yet, Guardian taught me so much. He taught me to take life easy. That i didn't have to win at everything. That i could take my life down a notch and appreciate the simple things of life. I gave up what i had just so that i could see things from his world. A world so simple, yet a world that i was sure would never bring me true happiness. Both he and i are too different. He came from a world that expected nothing out of him. That to start off with, gave him nothing. I came from a world full of expectations. The need to bring out the best in myself if not fall into someone else's shadow.
I walked into his world and lost myself in the process. She asked me this question. Would walking into his life, taking that plunge into Tour Guide's life make me lose my heart or lose myself? I cannot answer that question. Coz if we judge on past performance, then i will once again lose myself. When i chose to end it all, those around me that cared came to me in tears. I was so selfish. I could only see my pain, but not of those around me who loved me with every ounce of their heart. That day, i told myself that i would be strong, if not for myself, then for them.
I've been in the maze for so long. For someone that likes to play with puzzles and mazes, i'm stuck in a greater maze. Is it coz i've never taken the effort to get out of my own maze? Or is it coz deep down inside i don't want to get out? Last night, i talked to my brother. There was so much sadness in a man that i've hurt so much. A brother who only wanted to see his baby sister grow. A life wasted. Where do i go from here?
Guardian hurt me once. But he also taught me important lessons that i'm not sure if i could live without. Maybe, maybe not. But, it is the strong that fall and pick themselves up once again to move on. For the longest of time, i have not wanted to move on. Beliving that he will return. When i finally gave up on waiting, i didn't know where to go.. Its not too late now is it?
Being with Tour Guide will always be a fantasy. But if it was the reality, can i really accept it? I'm not too sure myself. But this i know. Till i know, i will not jump.
Life really is too short to ponder non stop about the what ifs. There was a time where i would just take the plunge. That was a time before i knew love between a man or woman, a woman and a woman existed. Maybe that should be my destination if i could go back in time. But then again, the Being has left and i'm left here to make a decision. Do i want the rest of my life to be roller coaster ride, or like that of a pendulum, fixed at a same point, moving back and forth, or do i dare to take a step and work towards where i want to end up? My answer, you should know from this passage. It is the heart talking. It is time to make my own waves and surf. I've missed that feeling. I only live once. Heros and legends are based on past glories. It is the icon that features today. Is this it? Only time will tell. Brick by brick.. and i want to build it up faster then anyone. At what cost? No cost too much!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

A time and place for everything

I met a ghost, but he didn't want my head, he only wanted to know the way to Denver. I met a devil, but he didn't want my soul, He only wanted to borrow my bike for a while. I met a vampire, but he didn't want my blood, He only wanted two nickels for a dime. I keep meeting all the right people-- At all the wrong times. (Shel Silverstein)

How apt. I like him, he likes me not. I really don't know how else to put it. I don't even know how to read this one. Uncle and Pete both tell me they don't figure me as someone who falls in love at first sight. I'm someone that needs to fall in love slowly. The person must look past my walls to see the person beneath. I've been looking for the same thing for so many years that now, i must have been so blended into my surroundings that i can no longer tell which is which.
Sometimes, i think in my bid to be a chameleon, i've changed so much that i've lost touch with my core. Is that how things work? Funny how i ask so many questions that i think if i could just stop to find the answers, they will all start to fall into place.
I spent the day reading today. One passage or rather one description stuck to me today. It's called the single bullet theory. All your life, you can fall in love and make love as many times as you can, but only one will stick to you and change your life forever. You can get shot many times, but only one bullet will take your life. As you can tell, this came from a crime novel. Alas, how true is that. I can't quite seem to decide if i've been hit by that bullet once before or not. Or this is the bullet. But i guess as with all things in life, i will only be able to tell on my death bed.
Its been 3 days and he hasn't replied to my email. I want to believe that he is busy beyond words. That he needs to think carefully before replying. Why? Maybe 'coz he really treasures me a friend and does not want to hurt me. But why make such a simple email so complicated? Is the world so complicated by nature or do we human beings complicate it with our actions and our thoughts? Oh well, its that time where i look into the past to find answers and hopefully urge me to move out of my rut. Bear with me

Desiderata
By Max Ehrman
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people.Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to all even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive people, they are vexations to the spirit.If you compare yourself to others you will become vain and bitter;there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.Keep interested in your own career, however humble;it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.But let not this blind you to the virtue there is;many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself especially do not feign affection.Neither be cynical about love; in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars; you have the right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Please hear what i am not saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Charles C. Finn
September 1966

13 all over again. Tears well up in my eyes, i hoped you could look at me and see through me. That was my call... 12 years later this is still my favourite poem. Because there has been no change. Is it me? Or is it you? I am no longer a child.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Continuation

For some queer reason, i can't seem to get Tour Guide out of my head, my mind. The date was just so beautiful in my eyes. Funny how such a simple dinner could evoke so much emotions in me. I know that when it comes to love, i'm such a simple girl that sometimes i worry. I mean, here is a man, so accomplished and so talented. So intelligent, with so much social graces and social standing. And there i am, the pertulant little girl, who knows so little, who is so unsure about herself, who is so confused. He's everything that i am not. Its scary. I'm just too simple to fit into his colourful world. But yet, there is a great part of me that want to be the colours of his life. There is a longing on my part to be more then a peck on the cheek friend. I want to be the one that he comes home to at night. I want to snuggle up to him at night and cuddle with him to sleep. I don't care for his riches. I don't care for his hours, i just want to be there when he returns home at night. I want to be the one he wakes up to in the morning.
Its been a really long time since i felt this way. Guardian made me feel this way once. But i was 17 then. They say as you grow up, you grow wiser. Now i know that love can't sustain a relationship. Where is the money going to come from? How can a couple just live on love. But the romantic in me wants to shout out. But they can! I mean if two people are in love, they will do everything in their means to earn a living and go out and make sure each other have material comforts. That they go on living becoz they want to bring another being into the world with their love and nurture the being. I don't like the way i am right now. I don't like dreaming and fantasing. I don't like acting like i'm 17 all over again. Having wild romantic fantasies. But yet here i am at 25, acting like i'm 17 all over again.
Its not the first time i've been out with tour guide. But today, it was the first time that i went to so much effort to doll up for him. Feels like going on my first date all over again. I don't know what he feels coz i just have no guts to ask him. I'm afraid he'll turn round and say, " Ya, i like you as a kid sister" or "Ya, i like you very much as a friend". Can't he see that i want more then friendship from him? Can't he see i want to be that someone special in his life? That i want him to share with me his problems and his cares and woes?
Today, for the first time after we've been out on all these times, he hugged me on his own and pecked me on the cheek. That was special. Everything was special today. The hug was more so since he initiated it. Am i very silly? Is it just to him a friendly gesture? Or a big brother sort of thing?
I feel like i'm playing poker. I have a full house on the draw. He checks, i don't know anymore. Do i call? If i call, does he have 4 of a kind? Does he have a straight or royal flush?
I've told him before that i like him. The ball is in his court right now. He told me to enjoy the moment. Does it mean that it won't happen? That he is a live for the moment sort of guy? Does it mean that he will never pick me and i should enjoy his company as much as possible? For one day, when he finds a girl like Superman did, he will leave me behind. Or that he treats me like a kid sister? It is so frustrating not knowing. But, i'm scared to know. Coz i'm scared i'll lose everything. Its like he has called a show hand. And it's a million that we're talking about. If i lose this million, i'll be out on the streets. Why is something so simple so complicated? Is it coz i'm thinking too much? Is it coz there is nothing to start off with in the first place? Is it coz i'm just setting myself up for disappointment?
Why are there forever so many questions with no answers? Is it becoz i make things and life more complicated then it actually is? Is it becoz i am thinking too much? Can i ask GOD to grant me this wish? Does he work that way? Or have i strayed too far from GOD for him to hear my prayer? Or is it not fair to GOD to ask him for this love?
I want to be loved. I want a guy to dote on me, to treasure me, to see me for who i am. I want to grow close to a person and not be afraid that he will hurt me. Not afraid that he will take my life and secrets and run away with them. Someone who appreciates me for who i am. Someone who values me and accepts my flaws, my faults and still love me. Will i ever find that someone? Is it alright to trade a period of love for a period of sadness? Can i be selfish and just want that love and not the sadness that comes with it?
When all is said and done, i cry. No tears come to my eyes. They dried up a long time ago for the word that one calls love. But i want my heart to fill up once again. Someone hurt me long ago. I want that wound to heal. I want to love again. Am i ready? Is he the one? I don't know. Don't fault me for it. Take that step with me, and i'll show you just how much love i'm capable of. I have so much love in me. I know i do.

Love? When?

What defines a date? Went out with Tour Guide today. Felt good. In fact, its been the best thus far. Why? Maybe coz we didn't snap at each other today? Mostly its me that does the snapping. Is it coz i've finally come to terms with who he is? I don't think so.
You know, i made so much effort just to go out for a short dinner with him. Does a guy know when someone makes a concious effort to go out with him? To him, it is merely a dinner. A meal to get by for the rest of the evening. To me? It was sheer beauty. I put on make-up and did up my hair. It was almost like going for my prom date. Probably just 7 years late. I felt like a little princess today. Superman mentioned once that i was that little princess of 9 that never grew up. Is he right?
It was just PERRRRRRRRRRFECT! Frankly, i don't know what was it that made it so special today. Was it coz he asked about ah beng? Was it coz he picked me up? Was it coz he sent me back? Was it his statement about asking me to save up? Or was it all of the above rolled into one? If this was a multiple choice question.. i would be stumped. Or is it becoz i'm just so smitten by him that any date would have been perfect?
Why do i like him? What is it about him that i like? Does everything sound too cliche? Well, not everythin actually. I don't like the way he tells me off when i ask him something. Or when he says i talk too much. I mean hello, i'm making up for the lack of conversation on his part. For someone who is a Tour guide.. he sure doesn't have much to say. No crap as i call it. But, sometimes, i feel like i can't enter his world. I feel like that card he gave me on my birthday. The bird outside the cage. Except that this time round, he is in the cage. And i am on the outside. I want to be in there with him. I want to share his thoughts, his life, his dreams, his worries, his problems. I want to help him. Yes.. thats the word. I want to be of some help to him. Useful... I don't like the feeling of being around him and feeling like a little girl in his eyes. Someone that he has to entertain all the time. Someone that he is there for to give advice to. I want something that flows 2 ways. Oh no, is this Superman all over again? How many times must one go through this? Or is it becoz of who i am and how i potray myself that i attract the same sort of people? What must i do for him to love me?
Or is it destiny? Is it fate? Do i just go on playing the game of life and and hope to draw a royal flush and wish that the opponent does a all in. But how often in a game of poker do you get a royal flush? Its like striking jackpot... TBC