Time travel

A machine materialised before me and a Being stepped out. It said to me,"This is a time machine. You can take it back in time to change a point of your life where you felt it defined you. What would it be? Do you want to take this trip?"
I looked up at the Being, a look of bewilderment took over. I was speechless. Not so much as i had never seen the being before, but rather from the fact that i could not decide which moment in my life i would like to go back to. There were so many. Was it that time in my childhood where i had shelved away the memory, never to bring it out or up again? Would it have changed me as a person? Would it be at the point of time when i met Guardian and fell in love with him and in the process forsaken all that loved and cared about me in ways he would never comprehend? Was it the time where i felt that i was no longer important? I was stumped.
The Being said to me," Take your time to decide girl. For you only get one chance to change things. This is your one chance in life."
With a forlorn look, i turned away. I was not ready to take the ride. I spoke in a hushed voice, not sure what it was i was hiding from, "Thank you for your offer. I'm not sure which point in my life i would like to change. For i have seen the light."
If i had not met Guardian, i would not have lost so much. I would not have paid a price that till today, i'm offsetting that debt. Jin would still be in my life, a treasured and worthy one. But a part of me asks, did our friendship mean so little that it could be so easily shattered? But then again, if you look at the other side of the coin, maybe i chose to shut her out of my life. Jin has taught me to appreciate the people in my life so much more. Cause i don't want to feel that same way with anyone agian. She mentioned before that it was water under the bridge. And also, bridges once broken could no longer be repaired. It's not like we're no longer friends. But that feeling once so deep is skimming the surface now.
My projected life if i had not met Guardian, finished college, gone to law school, become a top litigator, met someone else, got married. But often i asked myself, was that what i wanted? Is it merely love i needed at that point of time so much so i was willing to forsake everything i had at that moment to be in his arms, knowing that it was momentary joy that i had. But, yet, Guardian taught me so much. He taught me to take life easy. That i didn't have to win at everything. That i could take my life down a notch and appreciate the simple things of life. I gave up what i had just so that i could see things from his world. A world so simple, yet a world that i was sure would never bring me true happiness. Both he and i are too different. He came from a world that expected nothing out of him. That to start off with, gave him nothing. I came from a world full of expectations. The need to bring out the best in myself if not fall into someone else's shadow.
I walked into his world and lost myself in the process. She asked me this question. Would walking into his life, taking that plunge into Tour Guide's life make me lose my heart or lose myself? I cannot answer that question. Coz if we judge on past performance, then i will once again lose myself. When i chose to end it all, those around me that cared came to me in tears. I was so selfish. I could only see my pain, but not of those around me who loved me with every ounce of their heart. That day, i told myself that i would be strong, if not for myself, then for them.
I've been in the maze for so long. For someone that likes to play with puzzles and mazes, i'm stuck in a greater maze. Is it coz i've never taken the effort to get out of my own maze? Or is it coz deep down inside i don't want to get out? Last night, i talked to my brother. There was so much sadness in a man that i've hurt so much. A brother who only wanted to see his baby sister grow. A life wasted. Where do i go from here?
Guardian hurt me once. But he also taught me important lessons that i'm not sure if i could live without. Maybe, maybe not. But, it is the strong that fall and pick themselves up once again to move on. For the longest of time, i have not wanted to move on. Beliving that he will return. When i finally gave up on waiting, i didn't know where to go.. Its not too late now is it?
Being with Tour Guide will always be a fantasy. But if it was the reality, can i really accept it? I'm not too sure myself. But this i know. Till i know, i will not jump.
Life really is too short to ponder non stop about the what ifs. There was a time where i would just take the plunge. That was a time before i knew love between a man or woman, a woman and a woman existed. Maybe that should be my destination if i could go back in time. But then again, the Being has left and i'm left here to make a decision. Do i want the rest of my life to be roller coaster ride, or like that of a pendulum, fixed at a same point, moving back and forth, or do i dare to take a step and work towards where i want to end up? My answer, you should know from this passage. It is the heart talking. It is time to make my own waves and surf. I've missed that feeling. I only live once. Heros and legends are based on past glories. It is the icon that features today. Is this it? Only time will tell. Brick by brick.. and i want to build it up faster then anyone. At what cost? No cost too much!