Puzzlement

She's attached? Did she mean what she said? Was i right or was i wrong? It's funny how i never tend to read these sort of things correctly. For a while i thought i was pretty good at this. Maybe it's because i've not done so over the years, choosing to turn a blind eye more often then not. Am i happy for her? Yes. I believe so. But what she says still haunts me. "I hinted to you, but you said no." Sometimes i can't help but wonder whether i do exactly what brother does. I seem to be sabotaging my own happiness. I'm running this race. I have a choice which heat i want to be in. You must top your race to qualify for the semis. In the mean time, should you lose your heat, you can run in the losers league and still qualify. First race, all their seed times are worse then mine. But i stand there not wanting to run this race. I say to myself," This is no thrill. I know i will win for sure. Let me wait for a tougher heat." And then the second race, all their seed times are better then me. I want to run in that race. And this has been a pattern of my life. It goes back to a question that i asked when i was 12. To be a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in the big sea.
I must be happy for her. But i cannot see happiness in her eyes. And i will not do anything about it. For i know i can never give her contentment. Not at this stage in my life. I am selfish. But i will not bring another person pain. I know she will one day be happy. But her happiness does not lie with me. I might be speaking too soon. But for some strange reason, i'm back at 15, in school, when pooh feel in love with tigger. Doesn't make sense. At that time, tigger just wasn't ready to be with anyone. So pooh chose piglet. That didn't change things. Tigger was never the settling down sort. Tigger just wanted to be alone. It was in being alone that tigger found the energy and strength to be the happiest tigger around. Years have past, and i feel the same way tigger felt years ago. Maybe what he said at the end of the day makes sense. I'm scared of commitment more then i let people believe. I tried time and again to prove this theory wrong, but would only sabotage my relationships. So that they will eventually leave and i could point my finger and say, well, he wanted out. Not me.
She is now home. Asleep i hope. And i know that she will stay special. I will be nice to her. For she reminds me of yan. I was wrong then. I didn't know better and i didn't treasure you enough. Someday i hope i can tell you straight in your face that i didn't mean to hurt you. I I'm sorry.
He called today. He said the same things again. I'm puzzled. I want to know what happened. Is there a story behind it all? Here i am signing out, confused and puzzled.