Continuation

For some queer reason, i can't seem to get Tour Guide out of my head, my mind. The date was just so beautiful in my eyes. Funny how such a simple dinner could evoke so much emotions in me. I know that when it comes to love, i'm such a simple girl that sometimes i worry. I mean, here is a man, so accomplished and so talented. So intelligent, with so much social graces and social standing. And there i am, the pertulant little girl, who knows so little, who is so unsure about herself, who is so confused. He's everything that i am not. Its scary. I'm just too simple to fit into his colourful world. But yet, there is a great part of me that want to be the colours of his life. There is a longing on my part to be more then a peck on the cheek friend. I want to be the one that he comes home to at night. I want to snuggle up to him at night and cuddle with him to sleep. I don't care for his riches. I don't care for his hours, i just want to be there when he returns home at night. I want to be the one he wakes up to in the morning.
Its been a really long time since i felt this way. Guardian made me feel this way once. But i was 17 then. They say as you grow up, you grow wiser. Now i know that love can't sustain a relationship. Where is the money going to come from? How can a couple just live on love. But the romantic in me wants to shout out. But they can! I mean if two people are in love, they will do everything in their means to earn a living and go out and make sure each other have material comforts. That they go on living becoz they want to bring another being into the world with their love and nurture the being. I don't like the way i am right now. I don't like dreaming and fantasing. I don't like acting like i'm 17 all over again. Having wild romantic fantasies. But yet here i am at 25, acting like i'm 17 all over again.
Its not the first time i've been out with tour guide. But today, it was the first time that i went to so much effort to doll up for him. Feels like going on my first date all over again. I don't know what he feels coz i just have no guts to ask him. I'm afraid he'll turn round and say, " Ya, i like you as a kid sister" or "Ya, i like you very much as a friend". Can't he see that i want more then friendship from him? Can't he see i want to be that someone special in his life? That i want him to share with me his problems and his cares and woes?
Today, for the first time after we've been out on all these times, he hugged me on his own and pecked me on the cheek. That was special. Everything was special today. The hug was more so since he initiated it. Am i very silly? Is it just to him a friendly gesture? Or a big brother sort of thing?
I feel like i'm playing poker. I have a full house on the draw. He checks, i don't know anymore. Do i call? If i call, does he have 4 of a kind? Does he have a straight or royal flush?
I've told him before that i like him. The ball is in his court right now. He told me to enjoy the moment. Does it mean that it won't happen? That he is a live for the moment sort of guy? Does it mean that he will never pick me and i should enjoy his company as much as possible? For one day, when he finds a girl like Superman did, he will leave me behind. Or that he treats me like a kid sister? It is so frustrating not knowing. But, i'm scared to know. Coz i'm scared i'll lose everything. Its like he has called a show hand. And it's a million that we're talking about. If i lose this million, i'll be out on the streets. Why is something so simple so complicated? Is it coz i'm thinking too much? Is it coz there is nothing to start off with in the first place? Is it coz i'm just setting myself up for disappointment?
Why are there forever so many questions with no answers? Is it becoz i make things and life more complicated then it actually is? Is it becoz i am thinking too much? Can i ask GOD to grant me this wish? Does he work that way? Or have i strayed too far from GOD for him to hear my prayer? Or is it not fair to GOD to ask him for this love?
I want to be loved. I want a guy to dote on me, to treasure me, to see me for who i am. I want to grow close to a person and not be afraid that he will hurt me. Not afraid that he will take my life and secrets and run away with them. Someone who appreciates me for who i am. Someone who values me and accepts my flaws, my faults and still love me. Will i ever find that someone? Is it alright to trade a period of love for a period of sadness? Can i be selfish and just want that love and not the sadness that comes with it?
When all is said and done, i cry. No tears come to my eyes. They dried up a long time ago for the word that one calls love. But i want my heart to fill up once again. Someone hurt me long ago. I want that wound to heal. I want to love again. Am i ready? Is he the one? I don't know. Don't fault me for it. Take that step with me, and i'll show you just how much love i'm capable of. I have so much love in me. I know i do.