The day before New Year's Eve

I typed out my whole bloody blog, and somehow the page hung, and now my whole blog has to be retyped. And i can't even remember what i typed. Damn....
My feel to blog vanished with the lost of the posting. sighz....
Alright, here we go again. Abridged version this time though. Maybe if i'm in a better mood later i'll type a more complete version.
Spent day getting ipod shuffle that i got as a present from TG to work. Didn't work after 16 hours. Gave up. Was chatting with TG on Msn. Shared with him yesterday's post i think. Got him a little worked up. Settled that. Gave baby a name. DJ. Went for dinner, met two friends. One feels crappy after ex bf finds a new girl. She already has a bf. And i wonder why people dun treasure who they have. Went for coffee after that.
Smsed TG to ask if he was joining Superman and myself to party. Got negative reply. Went to meet Superman at Thumper. Told me TG was turning up after all. Happy. Met TG and his two friends. Had an interesting conversation admist the noise. Debate about mankind, the thrill of the chase, and the sense of achievement and contentment. TG was vehement, i was fervid, about our POVs.
I subscribe to the zen theory, he didn't. Realised that i was in self denial admist it. Why? Go read The Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. You'll understand. Recalled friend that came back from Cambodia doing community service. Same issue. Want to stay there for life coz of the life they lead. Very contented. But is it possible knowing that there is so much out there?
So, finally left Thumper with TG. Spent another hour plus chatting at the carpark. Talked about stuff in general. Got some answers to some questions. Was mind provoking and yet gave me new insight. He said i was pushy. It was one claim i couldn't refute. Finally talked for too long. Tired. Wanted to head back. Night was a topsy turvy of emotion. Just as i felt that the loop was closed. He pulled a bunny out of the hat.
Oki. This was the part i got to before the computer hung on me. I was bloody writing a thesis paper on the subject of contentment and achievement. But guess you have to wait another couple of days when i feel more inclined to write and its not 6 in the morning.
So here we were, tired, after standing at the carpark for close to 2 hrs. And we'd just hugged and given our customary pecks when he says we'll do something come March. And i say, i'm a healthy and energetic person and its a long wait till then. And he said, well i'm sure you can find a filler. Of course this wasn't how it all went. But that's the gist of it.
Ouch. And i guess someone told me once before that my face is like an open book. The hurt must have been evident coz he retracted and said it was a joke when i said, alright, since you've already given the green light, then why not. I mean what the heck was i expected to say? So he asked if i had to take it so seriously. Maybe i over reacted, but one word summed it up. OUCH.

The day before New Year's Eve

Today i re-learnt a couple of lessons. I've probably learnt them before and yet i guess at the end of the day, maybe coz its the day before new year's eve, it was GOD's way of telling me it was time to relearn some lessons that i didn't learn very well.
Let me first talk about the day in general. Now that i come to think about it, i think i'm a rather long winded person. Or maybe i just enjoying writing once i'm in a writing mood.
I spent almost the whole day from last nite when i returned home after receiving my Christmas present from a friend, and having a late coffee session, fiddling with my new toy. Received an ipod shuffle for Christmas. It was clearly very pleasant. And if behind every action there is a positive intention, then i can see many reasons why an ipod shuffle was a great gift. Anyhow, being the computer idiot that i am, after all, all i know is how to type in my blog, go to friendster and check email, i spent close to 16 hours getting the ipod shuffle to work. I think i've clearly read the instruction booklet a good 20 times in 16 hours, and done every conceivable action i could. And the conclusion was that i still could not work it. Anyway, i decided to give it up to meet a couple of good friends for dinner and subsequently to go partying with Superman.
Dinner was a simple affair at one of the places that i truly love coz of the avocado squeeze more then the food really. And when i met this girlfriend of mine, i was baffled at how she was feeling. Here was a girl that just got attached to an extremely understanding and loving man, and she was missing her ex boyfriend coz he finally decided to stop waiting for her and get attached. Sometimes, i wonder at this sort of stuff maybe coz i wonder how come people never treasure what they have and when they finally lose it, it seems like this one person they never treasured suddenly becomes the most important person in their lives. And therein, i relearnt my first lesson. And that is that i should treasure the person that i am with now, at this point. And not when the person is ready to leave.
So after dinner, we decided to go take a walk and eventually ended up having coffee at coffee bean. Nothing much happened there. Was really looking forward to going partying with Superman. Haven't partied with him for a while now.
I sms Mr TG if he was going. And got a negative reply. But that didn't dampen the mood really. Was really looking forward to partying i guess. And when i finally reached Thumpers, Superman came out to bring me in and also shared with me a good piece of news. Apparently, my favourite person was turning up after all. And so, that really did brighten up the mood. And i was a happy camper from then on. If only life could be so simple.
And so when he arrived with two other friends, we all engaged in conversation and we talked about many topics. Now you know that although i'm long winded, i wouldn't go into such nitty gritty details if i didn't think it would build up the story. So we chanced upon this topic of conversation about giving your number out at a club, pub, nightspot etc. And the topic led us to an interesting philosophical discussion about mankind in general.
And so we talked, we debated, and whatever you could think about for a long long while. And i guess that was how the rest of the night progressed. Each had their points of view and i could clearly see where he was coming from. But i remember not too long ago where i had this same mentality. I remembered sharing with Papa Bear that life was very funny. That for the life of me i could not understand life.(No pun inteneded) I shared with him how hard it was to succeed. Coz if it was a simple success, it probably wouldn't feel anything. So it has to be something of a stretch. Something that you might not have achieved if you had just gave a half assed effort. It had to be something that you gained out of sweat, hard work. And then you will have lots of pride and you will feel good coz it would feel like an achievement. I remember Papa Bear asking me, why does it have to be that way? That's just one perspective to look at things. Can it be easily achieved and still be deamed and achievement? I was stumped there. I tot about it long and hard, and i came up with this conclusion. Why must the road be long and why must the journey be ardous before a person can be contented? If the road was simple but it was where you wanted to go in the first place, would you have achieved your objective and therefore, should you not be satisfied as well?
And so we spent a good part of the night, these friends and i debating about this. TG as usual was vehement about his point of view. That it must be fought for so that one would treasure it. And that what was handled to you on a silver platter would not mean as much. And i was fervid about my point of view. That sometimes, life hands you a silver platter and should you therefore not accept it and enjoy its goodness?
I can see where TG is coming from. I then made this statement to him. That its alright to want to be a mediocre person. That not everyone wants to be rich, not everyone wants to be a boss. Some people enjoy living the life of an ordinary person. And he posed me a question that got me think. And i guess that is one question that has been on my mind for the whole of this year. What defines an extraordinary person and what defines a mediocre person. And can one truly be contented if you know what lies out there?
I remember the book, the Devil and Miss Pyrm by Paulo Coelho. To my understanding after reading the book, it was about contentment and life. I'm too lazy to describe what the book was about. But i guess you need to read it for yourself to see what our topic of discussion was going. And suddenly it hit me that i was merely in denial. A friend was back from community service in Cambodia the other day. And he told me that he wishes to go back there again. And this was coz he saw how contented the children were there. They were so carefree and happy. Did they know that there was life out of their little village. Some of these children did not even have an education coz their parents could not afford to send them to school. So when they grow up, they will probably take over farming or whatever skills their parents have imparted to them and this will continue on until someone breaks the cycle. And yet, in some parts of the world, where the population is generally more affluent, education is compulsory. And he said he wished he could live there and be like them. So i posed him this question. It was good to go there for a short while. But would you truly be contented? Becoz you know what you're missing out on?
It was an interesting topic that at least managed to keep many of us interested for the night. And at some point of time, i actually teared. It took a lot of familarity for me to tear in front of him. Coz u know that i am not someone who tears easily. Or maybe i am. I just don't like to show it very much. Anyway, it was a good talk albeit the fact that it was probably a little too roller coaster for my liking... sighz

One wish for Christmas. What would it be?

Below is an excerpt
A: If there was one thing you can have from Christmas. What would it be?
B: Well, what sort of question is that?
A: What was something that you wanted for Christmas but didn't get?
B: You?
A: Something material..
B: Nothing in mind i guess...

Yup. He has returned and seeing him was worth more then any present anyone could have given me. And i guess if he was a genie and he could grant me any wish, then it was the wish i made way before Christmas. I wish i could cuddle up next to him and just spend some time together. But, we do not live in a world where we have genies. So no one is going to grant me that wish.
Funny how all my life growing up, i realise that i've never really wanted a present very much. I've always wanted someone's presence more. When Guardian and i were together, somehow or rather, we always seem to miss the occassions. And when we finally broke up and were still seeing each other on and off, i remember him asking me each year what i wanted for Christmas. There were so many gifts, to always make up for the fact that he had to spend Christmas with his girlfriend then, and when he got married, the gifts became more costly. Maybe from the fact that he knew all i wanted for Christmas was to spend time with him. I remember the palm, the necklace, the watch, the sponsered trip to Bangkok(without him of course). The list goes on.
And the only present i really wanted, was his presence. And years later, a sucker i still am. Not so much Guardian now, but for this other guy. I cannot understand my fascination for him. Maybe its merely a crush. Maybe its infatuation. Maybe i'm in love. But every arrow, not cupid's. But directional arrows, tell me that i'm going down the wrong road. And there are days where i wish i could snap out of it. And yet, his very presence brings a smile to my face and a frown to my heart. Oh what utter dilemma this has turned out to be.

You know what i loved best about what he gave me for Christmas? It was a card he made. That was better then the two presents he gave me. Something so simple, yet it means the most. Maybe coz it took time. And time is something that i feel i seldom get from him. It has been 20 days since we last met. And, i guess i really just wanted to spend more time with him. And yet, that was too tough. I sat with him in his car and drove from Orchard to Suntec coz he said he had to get something from office. That extra 5 minutes was worth the bus trip back to Orchard once again to pick up my bike. And its times like these where i appreciate even the additional 5 minutes.
Somehow, i feel like i'm building my own sandcastles, and when the next tide comes in, it will all get washed away. And i will be there to stare out at the waves and wonder how something so beautiful and magnificant can also be so deadly. How falling in love with him could be the bane of my life. Make believe? Perharps. Not even sure if i need to make new year resolutions this year. I never seem to keep them anyway.

Post Christmas

Alright. I admit. I was just lazy to blog. Sue me.
After all the bells have stopped ringing, after all the presents have been distributed by Santa's helpers, after all the laughter and all the cheer, after all the alcohol has subsided, i must finally admit that i did do something stupid after all. Shan't say what it is. But this is one Christmas i'll remember. Not so much for that one stupid act but rather for the fact that i spent the season of merry making being sick. Sighz. Such is life.
Shall stop being such a grouch. Had a relatively pleasant Christmas if i overlook the above mentioned incidents. Had 2 Christmas eve parties to attend, 2 Christmas events to attend, and one post Christmas day party to top it off. And the there was the movie gala on the 27th. All in all i guess it was great, if i wasn't so busy being in severe pain. At least now i'm fully recovered and rearing to go. At least new year will be pleasant. More parties.
Got many presents this year. Got a wallet, a necklace, 2 bracelets, lots of toiletries, couple of toys. Guess Santa must have felt that i was a good girl this year. Either that or i'm blessed with many good friends in my life who always see it fit to make me feel loved. I only bought presents for 5 people. Mum, brother, my star, a special friend and Mr Tour Guide.
Anyway, enough of rambling about Christmas. It was fine. Overall, a 7 out of a 10.
Last night, i was out with 2 friends, and we got in talking about us and the things people do in general. And something hit me. It was a statement that one of the girls made. Something about starting and ending your day with a lie.
I hate it when friends lie to me. No, i am no saint and i am prone to occasional lying. White lies really. But i never deliberately lie so that i can do something else. I'll fib once in a while when people ask if i have money although sometimes, i'm not certain when the next pay check is coming. If it's just an acquaintence, i'll fib so that i don't have to go out and meet the person if i'm real tired. But, if its a close friend or someone i truly care about, you get the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Is it then too much to ask for the person to do the same? To let me know when they have something on, or to let me know when they can't meet up? Or simply coz they have other engagements. Is it really so hard to tell the truth? Or is it really so darn difficult to enlighten me with the truth. Do i actually look like i'll blow up or that i can't handle the truth? Oh well, life is such i guess. And today, maybe if i had confronted the person, i would have gotten the truth. Or maybe not. Who knows. All i know is that i feel confused. And slightly betrayed. And i wonder and i wonder, whether between friends, its too much to ask for honesty.

Scrooge

I have been hearing christmas songs being played over the public speakers for many days now. In fact, many years. One song that i absolutely detest goes something like this. "Last Christmas, i gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, i'll give it to someone special....."
What the f**k is this bloody song about? If you ask me, it bloody doesn't make sense. Last year, if you chose to give your heart to someone, then the person muz have been special in some ways right? So who's to say this year, when you think this person is special, you would not feel that way again next year at Christmas.
Lets think about it on a logical level. The only reason why any sane person would give his/her heart away in the first place was coz you felt taht a person was special. That there was some sort of connection, or maybe even chemistry. And so, you decide to fall in love, and then it doesn't turn out right. SO you blame the other person for playing with your heart, and hurting you. And so, this year, you choose to once again, fall in love with another person that seems more worthy this time round, and judging by the track record, chances are, you will bitch about the fact that this new person broke your heart as well, and Christmas sucks.
Frankly, i love Christmas. Until many years ago. But i learnt a lesson this year. You know how people tend to look forward to Christmas coz it is a nice way to spend time with the people you love and all that? Well, what if the people choose not to spend time with you. Does it mean that you are not special to them? I made a conscious choice to over hype Christmas this year as i thought that i would at least be able to see someone special just before Christmas.
I made loads and loads of plans, thought of new ideas as to what to do to make the night we meet a memorable one. What things to give this very special person. And like a house of cards, it just takes a gust of wind to topple it all. We're not meeting anymore. And i ask myself, why i chose to make this one special person the highlight of my Christmas. For in doing so, i set myself up for disappointment. And well, it doesn't matter really what he gets me for Christmas anymore. Coz i only ask for one thing this Christmas. And that was his presence. Anything else i receive from him this Christmas, would not mean anything except a promise unfulfilled.
Blessed Christmas one and all

Back from IAG Malaysia

I'm back!!!!!!!!! Never missed singapore that much in my whole entire life. It was an experience, and yet again, it was tiring and frustrating. All i can say is that i'm finally back. And its close to Christmas already. I have nothing much to write actually. Or maybe i just don't feel like writing about the camp.
All i know is that as a person gets more experienced in the camp, you get more responsibilities. I spoke to a little boy on the last day of the camp. He needed some closure from the activities that we did. And it was interesting in a sense coz it was precisely from the same activity that i chose not to do.
His fears? Same as mine i guess. It really is amazing how things come a full circle. And how some people tend to let fear overwhelm them. And paralyze them from achieving their fullest potential.
As i talked to him, it dawned on me that i too have been walking in a shadow. Only because not making a choice would also mean not facing the consequences the choice has. And as i let this 11 year old boy teach me a lesson in life, i return back to singapore and ask myself, the same question i posed to this boy. How do you want to lead your life? In fear? Or to create your own life, and eventually look back and know that no matter where life takes you, you have already succeeded coz u were courageous in making a choice...

Christmas Shopping

Took the day off to shop for Christmas presents. No prizes for guessing who's present i bought first. Yup. Headed to Toys'R'Us to buy him an I dog. Wanted to wait and see if i could find other colours. But he said white would do. And stocks were running low. According to the store sales person, its really popular among the kids. Faint.. guess i'm interested in an overgrown kid.
Anyway, he told me that they have it in different colors in Hong Kong. Sighz. Don't mind going back to Hong Kong to buy him his present. But i guess that's the life for the rich. Will check to see if ebay has it, or any stores in Singapore carry other colors. Then at least his present will be unique. Doubt it'll be much of a surprise if he already knows what present he will be getting.
Got a couple more presents to buy, but not sure if i can afford everything. SIghz.. Wish i was stil having a normal paying job. This commission thing ain't working out too well for me. Will stick around though. At least that was what i promised myself.
Anyway, i wonder what he'll be getting me for christmas. As well as bro. Both are keeping mum about it. Then again, its nicer getting a present that i don't know of. Short of him presenting himself gift wrapped to me, i can't really think of anything that i really want.
I really wanted to spend Christmas with him. But he's going to Hong Kong and i guess he doesn't want to spend Christmas with me. Frankly, it doesn't really matter what present he gets. It's his presence that means more. Its like, exchanging gifts is just an excuse to see him and spend some time together. And yet, at times, i feel like i'm forcing an issue. If he was seriously even remotely interested in me, he would have agreed to be my boyfriend ages ago. And the fact that he hasn't speaks volumes.
Anyway, i guess somehow, at the deepest bottom of my heart, i wonder why is it so difficult sometimes. I know i want him to be happy. Just wondering why can't we both be happy at the same time. Oh well, i can only go on wishing and hoping. Maybe one day, my wish will come true. Signing off

Marrying off my best friend

Someone made the most apt remark during dinner. He said, you gals look like you are marrying off your sister. The two jie meis looked at each other and as we smiled and nodded our heads, a tear dropped. She hurriedly wiped it off and said, cannot tear tonight liaoz. If not all the mascarra will be gone.
And what words of wisdom.
It really felt like i was marrying off a younger sister. Especially at the point of the video montage where we saw our secondary school picture where we still looked super geeky then. And how much have we grown and blossomed since then. How much more have we learnt about life and how have we handled all the things life has thrown to us over the years.
It was not just her wedding that made the whole day emotionally draining, it was rushing between two weddings, and having to make a choice about giving up going for the third that made it so.
I could only be jie mei to one of the two girl friends that were getting married. So it had to be my best friend. After all, i guess we aren't called best friends for nothing. So, the morning started at 6am where we reached her place to prepare for the arrival of the xiong dis. Thank goodness i was planning to spend the whole day out. So i bought two dresses along. Got the first one stained with grease. The xiong dis were really sporting i think. Went for a morning swim, did a dance, ate potent stuff and all that nonsense.
Anyway, proceeded with gg back to his place for the tea ceremony, going out to take some pictures, and back to her place for tea ceremony.
Then i rushed down for the other church and luncheon. Missed the church though. And lo and behold, who should i meet at the wedding. Yes, lots of friends ranging from college, to uni, to eusoff and also netballers. The usual bunch at all of our weddings to come i presume. And i saw mad driver there. He noticed me first incidentally. Was super shocked when he came up behind me and said, see you outside for a smoke.
Haven't seen him for some time now. And he still looks the same. We chatted a little, and apparently he and the groom were childhood mates. HA.. What a small world. Anyway, we smoked together like twice, and he asked me how come i seem a lot more distant then usual. Guess i was just tired. It had been a draining day. Not to mention all the emotions that swept past.
Went back to the hotel to start and help prepare for dinner. Had the guest list to settle, making sure of sequence of events. And etc, etc, etc.
Dinner went smoothly. Didn't have to help girl drink much. Only left her to drink with the people that she met her hubby with. And well, finally i'm home.
I guess seeing two close friends get married today, and more invitations to come, really makes me wonder if people get married due to true love or due to being so used to each other. The first couple have been dating for 5 years now. The second, 5 mths. Interesting.
And as i blog and i recall the day's events, i think about someone so special to me lately. And there is a warnth in my heart. Alright, really need to hit the sack. Have 3 hrs of sleep before i need to be at training. Yawn

Fishing for compliments

It was rather hilarious now that i think about it. Was out shopping with the girls the other day and bought this purple/maroon top. It was meant for girl's wedding, and since she liked the top and she did mention if i cannot find a dress for her wedding, i am permitted to wear the top and pants, i bought it. Not that i was real comfortable with the idea of not being able to wear a bra with the top.
Anyway, it was Superman's friend's birthday party last night and i knew that somehow, he would have been invited. And i guess i wanted to dress to impress. Come to think of it, i've slowly started the make up and nicer jeans and top thing since i've known him, but guess i've never really bothered to dress up just to go out to party. Anyway, was dressed to the nines, or so i thought.
It felt good that everyone that imet that day complimented on just how hot and sexy they tot i looked. And it was sweet, coz i don't really figure myself for the hot and sexy type. More the fit and athletic type. So, the comments were refreshing. But yet i knew at the bottom of my heart, that everyone can compliment me, and it doesn't really matter. What matters was the compliment from the one person who chose to turn up after midnight, and didn't say a thing about my dressing.
Oh well, i guess i have to live with the fact that seriously, i doubt i'm his kind of girl. So maybe, no matter what i wear, i will not be looking any better or any worse. I will just be me..

Relieved

Hello
Hello
I feel a load has been lifted off my shoulders. And its a feeling that makes me feel relieved. Even happy.
My friend who was admitted into hospital has been discharged so all is fine now i guess. At least she got discharged with a happy ending. She and her other half are officially together. Took a near death for them to figure out that they want to be with each other. Funny how things work out at the end of the day. Maybe i should stop worrying so much from now onwards. It seems that there is always a guardian angel somewhere, watching out for everyone. Maybe my Guardian Angel just took a long leave of Absence. Anyway, good to know all worked out.
Saw him on Msn yesterday. And although i was once again disturbing his extremely hectic schedule, we had a good talk. Don't ask me wat is good. I can't explain. Guess it was really a clearing of the air that had held many question marks. Or maybe like wat he said, it's about finding peace within myself. Maybe its a resolution of sorts. Maybe i know now that it's alright to like someone lots. And it really doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same way i do. But at least he knows. At least its one of those better to have loved and failed then not to have loved at all.
I smsed Guardian earlier on in the day. I guess before talking to him and before finding someone to share with, i needed to talk to someone. He called me back. We talked and all. And it felt good to have chat with someone that understood. Someone that has always been around. And it was yet another good talk. Good why? Good coz somehow, it felt different. It's like i know for a fact that we'll always remain as friends. And yet, what i need now from him, and what he needs from me has changed over the years.
I'm not sure what the explaination is as well. He talked about leaving her. In the past, i would have jumped at this. After all, i've always wanted him back. And he asked if i would be there for him this time round. Maybe its also what i feel for Tour Guide, or maybe its the knowledge that i can grow and can still be strong. I told him, i'll always be around as a friend. But, things between us ended too long ago. Maybe we know each other too well. Or rather, i know him too well to know he needs only someone to be there for him. And one day he will walk away again. And i've given up enough of my life to be constantly around. And maybe i'm tired. Or maybe just maybe, i don't love him with that intensity that i did many years back.
Seems like a good time to clear the air. WIth the new year around the corner, things are tidying up quite nicely. Actually i feel like grown quite a bit since...

The Reason - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hearI

've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Whats the reason to live?

What's my reason to live? I've asked myself this like a million times since i was 20. And i've not found a reason. So why do i live? That maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe, i made a promise to my friends that it wun happen again. It also has to do with the fact that i told them that i will never pu them through such misery again.
The last time it happened, i guess Guardian spent every waking moment that he was not working with me. And yet, what happened? After i came out of hospital, he still walked. So, was it all worth it? Besides going through 3 weeks of agony, i could not phantom why it would have been worth it. Oh yeah, maybe it was gd coz i ended up knowing who really cared about me. But then again, i know that they cared for me in the first place.
5 years later, i'm still searching for a reason. A reason as to why i want to live. Someone told me once, that the next time someone special comes along, i will kick myself in the ass and asked why i even did something so stupid..
Guess nothing changes.. tears rolled...uncertainty mounts... '
He called last nite.. or did i blog on that already. I feel bad for bugging him. I'm scared coz i know i feel the way i did 5 years back again. I just suddenly feel like i don't want friends anymore. I don't want to be close to anyone. Being close will hurt. At the same time, maybe keeping my distance will make me a stronger person.

Mother Hen 2

He's back in town today. I went down to Zouk for a Hen's nite. We chatted on MSN earlier on and i told him i needed to talk. Told him to call me when he was free. He didn't bother to come look for me although he was at Velvet. He didn't bother to call till i sms him at 1am. I hate being this way. Hate being needy. And yet, i think about the fact that i seldom tell him that i need to talk. And if it was my friend, i would have called.
And i guess maybe that's why i am having so much conflict. Or maybe i am being the kind of friend that i do not want to be back to him.
He called finally to say he didn't understand women. I really couldn't hear him very well over the phone. I guess i was too gone by then. I really just wanted someone to hear me out. Someone to understand what i felt. And yet, it was a mistake....
Last nite, i met a long time couple. A couple that have been dating for ages, who bought a apartment together, a car together and i know enough to know one of them wants to stay together for the rest of their lives. They broke up 6 mths back, and when i asked her if she still cared for him, she said something that i could identify with. She said, i care a lot. Maybe to the extend that it's like what a mother cares for a child. And yet, i know he needs his time to grow up and mature. And see that i am what he wants. If he never finds it, then i will have to live with it.
It struck a chord close to heart. I've never been so interested in a man before. Maybe only Guardian. And yet, like i said before, till today, i care about Guardian lots. I care about this new guy lots too. I worry when he is out of town, wondering if everything is fine. When he is back, i like to see him on MSN or in life, so i know he is fine. I wish there was a lot more i could do for him. And i guess what scared me for a while was the fact that i actually wanted to be around to take care of him for the rest of his life.
Maybe he doesn't need taking care of. Maybe he doesn't even want someone in his life. And yet, there is strong calling. And that is what scares me. Coz he is twice as old as me. He will age faster then me. And yet, that night, i realized that i didn't mind doing that for the rest of my life, i was terrified.
I'm not even sure how he feels about me. He's mentioned before that he is not looking for a relationship. That he is not interested in having a gf. I cannot understand why and yet, all i want is for him to be happy.
Once in a while, i feel like i need someone to just hear me out. To listen to me and for me to share with him the good and the bad. The happy times and the sad times. He mentioned once before that his ideal girl is someone who will let him run the house. TO be head of the family. Is that really so difficult? At the end of the day, i'm just looking for someone to care about me.
I know he tried calling when he reached home. But i was taking care of girl at the point of time. She was drunk, had to send her home.
Sometimes, i feel like i can no longer be there for everyone. While i am there for each and everyone of my friends, who is there for me? There are nights like tonight where i wish i can collapse in someone's arms and for that person to tell me that everything will work out fine. Hug me, cuddle me and protect me. And i can fall asleep knowing that when i wake tml, it's going to be a brand new day.
Sometimes, i wish i had the power to make a man love me, or like me. I don't need an extremely good looking man. I don't need an extremely wealthy man. All i ask is a man who cares, someone whom i can talk to. And someone who will hug me and tell me its going to be oki...

Mother Hen

Well, just came back from a Hen's nite. Its funny how i feel the way i feel right now. For the longest of time, since i was back in secondary school, i've been like mother hen to all these girls. Somehow, it has to do with being my size. I'm not exactly small and petite, not exactly huge like hulk or shrek. Guess i'm just taller and bigger then the average girl. And so, since i was like in primary school, i've always been the protector of women who were weaker and smaller. Someone joked once many years ago, that my best fren and i were so different just in size alone. She is so small, and i'm so big. If we walked into a shop, if she could find a dress or top there, then chances are, the sizes are too small and i would be unable to find clothes there. If i can find clothes there, then the cutting is probably too big for her. And so, that's how we went through our school days. Today, we celebrated her Hen's nite and i will see her get married on Saturday.
As with most times when we go partying as a group, should any guy attempt to pick up one of the gals, they will switch places with me and i will once again become the shield for them. Never changes over the years.
And i guess there's where my greatest dilemma comes in. Over the years, i've grown protective over all my friends and sometimes even their friends. You know, the only time i ever felt that someone was protective over me and not the other way round was when i was with Guardian. Then, i guess since he was a guy, he was protective over me. And that sums up what i feel today.
A fren of mine did something really stupid today. She OD.. I empathise with her coz i've walked down that road before. But her doing it brought back many memories. Up till today, i guess if you ask me why i'm living, i'll tell you coz i feel bad disappointing all the people that i treasure and love. That i know that they will feel bad should i really OD and not make it. And if you ask me what's the value of my life, i would not know how to tell you. I guess it's precisely becoz of this feeling and that is why i will place most people's happiness above mine. If i care for that person. That explains why i will send all my friends home when i drive. That explains why i will come out with my friends when all i feel like doing is staying at home and sleeping.
Over the years, i've began to place my friends before me. I was never like that when i was in school. Maybe to a certain extent. But my own life, training and sports came first. I looked out for them when i feel that they needed me. But, it was my interest more then theirs. Its changed...
Anyway back to my friend, i guess i am not sure what to do with this one. I want to be a good friend, to be there for each and everyone of them. I don't want to play the role of the martyr. I know i am unable to. And yet again, i feel bad when my friends call and i am unable to be there for them.
Last night, i blew up at a friend who was quarreling with her bf. I lost my cool coz i could not stand seeing a friend taken advantage of. A friend who was lost. And yet, my anger was not directed at her. My anger was directed coz i did not understand and could do nothing about it....
Today, i got a call that she OD. I thought about what my friends did when i OD the last time. True, they have been friends with me for ages, but one never judges the depth of the friendship by the amount of time that you know a person.
I am in conflict actually. I know i cannot handle this. There is enough things going on in my life without having to deal with this. And yet, thats what friends are for.
Our friendship will change. I know that. But it is inevitable.
Coz last night, when the shit hit the fan, i knew that i couldn't stand being around and seeing it happen. I knew that my life was a lot screwed up as well. I knew i wanted someone else to be there for me.
TBC

wats the matter

Today i went out partying at the once monthly two queens event. Its really funny how a party nite that is meant to be fun turned out the way it was. A friend had a fight with her "friend with benefits". And it turned ugly. I guess at that point of time, i was sort of pissed. I mean, when u start one of this FWB relationships, you need to draw the line and know where you are heading. If one person chooses to blur the lines all the time, then is it really any one's fault but her own?
I guess as with all relationships, this one is no more complicated then any others. But it really did set me thinking. Is this really what relationships are all about? It was even worse since i just came from a wedding preparation of ger's wedding. And with so many of my friends getting married this month, i guess i really am at a loss. Why is it so hard for two people to get together let alone stay together?
I just found out tour guides age 3 days back. I guess i was shocked for a while. And i guess i haven been bloggin recently coz i really dun noe what to blog about. Kinda sad that my life is a constant routine that i'm desperately trying to get out of. I told someone this the other day. What truly matters is that you love the person with all your heart. And if you love the person with all your heart, then i guess there is no need to quarrel all the time. You know, i really believe quarrels come from the fact that there is a party that wants more while there is the other party which is unwilling to give more. Then at a time like this, one needs to make the decision of which is the lesser of two evils. To stay on and tolerate or to move on. Whichever decision, it would not be easy. And if it was so tough, then one knows that its not meant to be in the first place. Why force something that is not mean to be in the first place?
One day, if tour guide and i fight over this issue, i will know that its over. OR maybe its a matter of pride, of which i have close to none when it comes to someone i truly adore. Maybe with him, i will choose to walk away when the time is right.. till then, i live to fight another day.

Holding out for a Hero - Jennifer Saunders

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

(Chorus)
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There’s someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear that there’s someone somewhere
Watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

HeroI need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Hero
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero

End of Kids Camp 2

End of my second Kid's camp. Coaching 10 days in a row has truly been a stretch. I guess i really am tired. Despite the tiredness, it truly has been touching and emotional. And it has been extremely fulfilling. I am impressed with myself and i guess there is a part of me that returns to my childhood and once again, at closing, a million what if questions come to mind.
The camp has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It really brought me through a range of emotions in such a short time. It's scary and all. But i guess i did enjoy myself.
While at camp, i had time to do some internal reflections. A question someone posted me, set me thinking. Is this how it was meant to be? I'm certain the answer is no. And yet, i am not yet certain how i am suppose to turn the situation around. That will take time.
Superman is away in Manila attending the sea games and watching Lester compete. As for him, he is away in Bangkok. Its been such a crazy camp that i've not spoken to him for days and i miss him. Truth be told, i guess i don't mean a lot to him as well. Each time he is back, he doesnt bother to find me or even call to chat.
Will lament later.. now just want to get some sleep, and in my dreams, think of the what ifs. And also, the question of if i will find the courage to walk away.

I just want to write

Well, I have finally finished writing the short article for him. But he hasn’t really said anything to me. I asked him for his comments, but he said that he didn’t have the time to comment on it. That he would use some stuff to add to his write up. I actually wonder why he bothers to ask me to write for him, when he already has a write up and he will barely be using the one that I wrote for him. Sigh. Anyway, it wasn’t very good but I guess it would have been nice for him to have said, I liked your work. Ended up smsing him and asking him if it was at least half as good as he would have expected. Then he replied saying that it was ok. He couldn’t have done better. But, I guess with him, I cannot tell whether he said it out of politeness or whether he really meant it. He’s always rather polite I guess.
Just saw his reply on msn. He’s in manila. Remembered asking him yesterday when he was flying off again. But apparently, he wasn’t too keen to share when he was going away. So, I guess today came as a shock. He’s away. Sighz. I guess he must really be busy. I wonder when I’ll get to see him again. Its been close to 1 week since we met. Since last Tuesday I guess. I was just telling him yesterday that I’ve missed him terribly. Why? I guess last Tuesday, we fought, or rather argued. So, I felt more about missing him.
Anyway, I read a friend’s blog recently. It spoke about monogamy or the lack of it. I believe in a relationship where I am my partner’s only partner, and my partner’s only partner. Funny how I feel rather strongly about it and yet, I condone someone else being in a multiple relationship. I guess what my friend said about a man being married, and having a girlfriend hit rather close to home. Somehow, I know that the relationship will never work out. Coz it is seldom that a married man will leave his wife. And even then, I know it is sweet words. And I know that he does not mean it. At the end of the day, even if he claims he loves me a lot, he still loves her more. That’s why he married her in the first place.
But I guess I’ve always been a great sucker for sweet words. I guess this links up to my last blog on tidbits. I sms this other friend the other day. This is one guy that I’ve been rather interested in for some time. Nothing has ever pointed to the fact that he might one day even be remotely interested in me. He has never shown the least inkling of interest in me. He has never shown me that he might be sexually interested in me. He has never shown that he might want to connect to me on the emotional level. He has never shown that I might one day become more then just a silly gal in his eyes. Never shown that I might one day be his soulmate. Then again, if I were in anyway a possibility of a soulmate, I would have been one today already.

Just ended my first kids camp (Part2)

Sorry for the abrupt ending. Actually its a rather good pattern interupt. Was going to be nostalgic and all. Maybe what one of the trainers said before really does make sense. Its very lucky when one gets problem children. And when you have a group where everyone is alright, there is not much feelings involve. That's besides the point i guess. Alright. As with all my posts, i will always digress.
I am shocked at the amount of emotion that some of the coaches have for their children. Its so cool. And i guess my thoughts since young when i was a participant for camps hasn't changed. It's the best place for people to shift out characters. And somehow, its interesting that just 5 days of living with a person can bring out such strong emotions within a person. And at the same time, its also to do with the fact that i know how difficult it is to run a camp. Anyway, will update that soon. I need to write something else first.. tata

End of my first kid's camp

The camp has finally ended. One that is. I have another to go. But for now, let me dwell on that one camp that i've just completed. It was not easy coming back to a place where people thought badly of me. Where the only reason why they let me coach was because they were lacking in coaches. Where i worry about the fact that there are eyes all around watching me at all times. If didn't feel too good. However, i guess when i made a decision to come back as a coach, i did tell myself, that i would do my best. And that if nothing good comes out of it, then i know that i've given it my best. And no one can fault me for it. I really did give it my best this time round. Albeit the crazy and hectic schedule, and the lack of sleep, and the pressure, i guess all i can say is that i really had fun. IT takes a lot to learn from the children and it takes a lot to be able to get into their good books so that they will listen to you and give it their best.
I am greatful for the opportunity to coach. I wonder if i would have turned out differently if i had attended a camp like this. Well, i guess so. tbc

So much to do

It was an interesting day no doubt. It was the first time that i've ever come to coach a kid's camp. The children were interesting and i guess i sorta had as much fun as the kids themselves. But it didn't help that i was tired as i have yet to sleep the night before. Couldn't sleep really. Felt like it was before one of my races. Guess i was really excited. Or maybe my sleeping patterns has been off for a while now. With the crazy hours i've been keeping, i have been really tired ya. I think with the camps, i will do my best to readjust my sleeping patterns.
Have finally gotten the brief write up from him. I've told myself that i will be real professional about it. Doesn't matter if at times like this i think that he is being a jerk and an idiot about things. I mean, here i am doing my best to give you a great article. And it doesn't help that you disappear on me and don't tell me more. I can understand that you are probably the sort of boss that expects a lot of initiative from your subordinates. But do understand that i've never done any work for you before and therefore do not know what you expect. At the same time, because of what you mean to me, you know that i don't want to screw things up at alll. I don't think i've put in so much effort even for my essays at school. It almost seems worse then writing a honors thesis paper. And this paper is the determining factor of whether i get a first class or i just graduate with merit. Sighz.
Can you understand that this is just my way of doing something for you. Somehow, its important that you've asked me to do something for you. After all, you hardly share your work with me and you are such an important man. And i want to get it right, coz i don't want you to always view me as a small girl. Or just someone that you can constantly help with your knowledge and all, and its not a two way traffic, where i am useful to you in some ways as well. I want to do something for you, as i often cannot lighten your workload. Therefore, by helping you, i can finally play a small part.
Oh well, i think i better go back to getting the work done. After all, i need to give it to you by today. At the same time, i need to give you two articles since you are playing the hide and seek game, where you are hiding, and i'm seeking and waiting for an answer from you.

Dreams

It's been a long time since i cried. There were times where a tear would drop coz i was upset. But today it felt different. A tear dropped. And it didn't stop there. Another, and another and finally, it became a series of it. What triggered it? It was the sight of a man and woman hugging, embracing each other. There were no need for words as the picture spoke a thousand words. They were just happy being back in each other's presence. I see the scene clearly in my head. She got off the plane, he walked forward, she gave him a hug, he put his arms around her. And they walked off. He ruffled her hair, she leaned on his shoulder. And they walked away with arms around each other.
For the life of me, i guess i know what triggered the tear ducts. It was the sight of two people so bonded to each other that there is no need for words. I think its called being in the presence of each other. There is so much comfort there that needs no words.
Once very long ago, i had a dream. A dream about two people. A man, and a woman. I see their faces. I see their joy and i see the comfort. I guess that's the word that i'm looking for. Comfort. Companionship, was an important aspect to this two. They knew that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. A day in their relationship, both cohabitating together, maybe married. Couldn't quite tell. Both wake up to go to work, man drops woman off at her work place, goes off to work. Somewhere midday, during lunch, they drop a message to each other. Didn't matter who started the message. If there were no appointments or dinners after work, man picks woman up, head for dinner and head back home to chill out and rest. Not like they didn't have friends. They had. But it was a normal work night and they didn't have any engagements. The woman was a high flyer, so was the man. They were both rather accomplished and both spent lots of time working. She was head of many people at work. But yet, when she reached back home, all she wanted was to be a simple woman, spend time with the man she loved and she was happy. She enjoyed the fact that he talked to her about his work, like an equal, and when there were major decisions to be made, she would give him her input, but somehow, he always made the best decision, for the two of them. The dream ended there. That's why they are called dreams.
The other night i had a dream as well. Funny little dream i had. I was sitting in this restaurant, and there were two boys behind me. Didn't look any older then 14 i guess. And they served me something i ordered. And i gave turned around and said thanks to the boy. One boy ran off. The cuter one actually, a chinese boy. The other, bigger sized boy, looked like a bully though, stood there. And finally he opened his mouth and said, "Where's my tip?" I stopped, open up my purse, and took out 2 dollars for him. Then i went in search for the other chinese boy, and gave him a fiver. He beckoned to me and asked me to follow him. He brought me out of the restaurant. Then i said to him, wait. My date is inside. I can't leave him alone. Where are you bringing me? He said it was a surprise, and continued to tug at my hand, urging me to follow him. ( Please dun ask me who that unlucky date was. This is a bloody dream. So sometimes, you don;t see all the characters) Anyway, i walked with him to this street. It wasn't like any street in Singapore apparently. Looked more like the sort you see in the streets of London. And together with that, the night was foggy. Oki, back to my dream. And then, somehow, a friend of mine appeared in the dream. I saw his face, saw him, but somehow, he could not see me. He was with this beautiful, gorgeous model like woman. Too perfect i'll say. Anyway, the next scene was us on top of a building. This friend and myself this time. Top of a building. And he said something to me. Can't remember what. Then told me to jump. I leaned over and looked down. It was a really tall building. Stupid me. Anyway, he sneered at me for some reason. Called me a liar and a cheat. I also dun noe why. Said my words were inconsistent. And with that, he gave me a shove, and u fell off the building. I woke before i landed.
This was the second time i've had the exact same dream. For some peculiar reason, everything detail in the dream is still the same. I'm not sure why its the way it is. I know there are some arguments that say that dreams are a reflection of the subconscious mind. But its really scary. There were other feelings i experienced in the dream. Feelings of insecurity, feelings of doubt, and more importantly, feelings of loneliness. And also, i felt lost in the dream. I cannot figure out what happened. But i know when i woke, i could feel that my pillow was a little damp. Could be tears or drool. But i would lay my bets on tears. Scary. And both times, it started at the restaurant with the two boys. Who the hell are the two boys? And who was the beautiful and gorgeous lady, who almost looked like nicole kidman except with more boobs. What role did they play? Was she my nemisis or rather an alter ego that i longed to have? Or was it at the end of the day, just a recurring dream? Did i fail to mention that i could remember the dream so vividly coz it recurred 3 times in one bloody nite? I always wake up at the same instant. What a terrible night of sleep.

Tidbits (part 2)

Had a great time partying with her last night. As always, out sessions out are beautiful and enjoyable. But i guess as with all times now she is attached, they will somehow end up fighting. Sighz. As usual, sent her home, saw her boyfriend throwing up outside her place. And i guess its times like this where i wonder whether i'm being silly about this tidbit issue. Had 2 other girlfriends join me last night. Sometimes, i really wonder about what is going through their minds at that precise moment. Funny motley group of woman, hanging out together and partying. Interesting.
Chaplin mentioned Superman's wedding last night. Said something to the effect that he doesn't want Superman to get married coz then he will most likely lose his closest Singapore friend. Its funny how that thought has gone through my mind before. But i guess i know its a natural process in life and therefore, i guess i don't feel so bad about it. Plus coz maybe his my big brother, i feel happy for him. I know that things will change after he gets married, less partying and probably less time to chat with me but i guess sometimes, its really times like this where i'll say, don't brood about it. Just enjoy the moment and the company for now.
I had a chat with a friend a couple of nights ago. It was a chat about married man. I would very much like to ask what the attraction is about married man. So many friends around me seem to be dating married man. But i guess then again, love blinds us. And more importantly, love is something that is not comprehensible. I would have loved to have taken the moral highground and ask my friend to walk away. But then again, that would be vastly hypocritical...
Guardian's bday was on Tuesday. And he wanted to see me that very day. He actually took off for the day. But i was busy with training and didn't have the time to go meet him. Not to mention i had a date that night. And i wonder whether it is good or bad, but somehow, this person that i had a date with has sort of over taken him in the rankings of importance. I mean, guardian will forever be important to me. There is so much that we;ve shared over the past 9 years. Almost 10 years now. And for that, i will always treasure him. But i guess what i said to him holds true. That i really need to move on in my life. That maybe i'm a selfish girl, that now that he is happily married and all, its time i found my own love and start dating again. What Superman said once before is true. I'm only 26 and ot 46. Would i really want to be the mistress of this guy at such a young age?
Not that being in love with this new person makes me happier i guess. He is a far cry from giving in to me and adoring me the way Guardian adores me and cherishes me. Its like he's married as well. Only this time to his work. And he even has a mistress. And that too is his work. I feel like i'm in contention all the time with people and their married halves. Anyway, i really have been thinking about this guy and i. Somehow, i guess its crystal clear. Just need time to accept the facts.. and once again, move on.
Guardian is in one of his moods again. He smsed me to say maybe we shouldn't meet up for some time. I guess by now, i am immue to such messages and have learnt over the years to take it in my stride. Not that it doesn't get me upset, but i guess, somehow, the timings of things is always such. I messaged him back to say i know you are going through your funny moods again, and i've always respected your decision. When you're ready to meet again and if i am still single, you know where to find me. I guess one of the reasons why i've never changed my hp no. all these years is coz i just want him to be able to find me when he wants to.
Frankly speaking, if Guardian and i had gotten together, i think i will be a very different girl. Then agian, while we were together, i was so different. Cannot imagine myself as a Yes woman. But in that aspect, i was every bit a yes woman with him. And it didn't work out. At the end of the day, he said how come i have no suggestions, how come i don't have my point of view. How come i give in all the time. Its tough being in a relationship. And with each relationship, the dynamics change and once again, you are left wondering how come what worked for the past relationship doesn't seem to be working for this current one, or how come when i did something like this in my last relationship, this failed and now i'm never doing it again, it seems to be the core problem in our relationship...
For a while, i always felt like i was a kite and Guardian held on to the strings. There would be times when i feel like i'm all ready to fly off, high up into the sky, to look for new avenues, and it is this time where he would tug the string and send me back to the ground. And of course offer me some TIDBITS and i'll be hooked for a period of time again. I guess it has to do with the fact that he knows as long as there is a glimmer of hope, i will never walk away. But he has failed to see that it is no longer that glimmer of hope that i look for. I know for a fact that i will never cheat on my partner. And saying that, i know that the two of us are not meant to be. Even if he leaves her right now, i will only stand as a buffer, before he goes off to seek for a new relationship, and all.
I've at some point of time wanted to be with Guardian, loved and adored him. I would want to do things for him, so that his life would be made easier. There was nothing much that i couldn't learn. And i did it anyway. I wanted to take care of him, and yet, to do so, he had to take care of the baby inside me. And i didn't mind doing stuff and letting him have the credit for it, just so that he would be happy. Is it too much to ask that the person values your presence and your presence brings a smile to his face? And that was all i asked from Guardian. Oh yeah, i guess the cuddlings, the sex and the kisses were important. I guess its the whole feeling of being in love.
For so long, i've been so used to being in a relationship where the guy hands me a tidbit and then is a jerk for the next 9 incidents, and then uses this same cycle to [play with me. And i guess since i'm such a simpleton, i just let it be. But i guess sometimes, at the back of my head, i wonder how it would be to have a guy treat me nice 9 times, and be a jerk once. Cow was like that, but then again, it was merely a challenge to him. And it helped that he had leverage.
A thought dwells deep in my head. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, i just want to be happy. And happiness can come in many forms. I am not sure how this relationship with this man will be. Just like i don;t know how many more years Guardian and i will drag on this thing that we are in. I seem to be in a maze, without ever finding the way out. Ouch...

Tidbits

Have you ever wondered why people enjoy snacking on tidbits? Is the convenience of it? Or is it the fact that it is a treat on top of the 3 meals that we take all day. Or maybe, coz we are not meant to be snacking and that's why a tidbit is special...
Well whatever the case, i must learn to figure this one out. I was fed a tidbit today. Not breakfast, not lunch, not dinner, not even supper. It was a tidbit.
I felt that it was over. i wanted to call it quits, and he fed me a tidbit. And now, i am hooked again. I think if i was a fish in the water, i would be a rather dead fish. I would always be caught by the hook coz i think i am perpetually greedy.
It was a nice gesture on his part to call and talk things out before he left. But then again, it could be largely due to the fact that i was flooding his sms. Well, whatever the case is, i need to sort out this issue of mine soon. It ain't too healthy and i guess, it being not too healthy is not very good.
TBC

It's over

After all this time, after all the past deadlines, after all the million and one excuses. I think i've finally seen the light. Maybe its what someone said to me today. That, you are at the start of your life, at the start of your career. Are you sure you will be able to see eye to eye with a man at the peak of his career? Or even someone who might even possibly be hitting the downhill curve of his career. Will you be contented just living off his money and letting him feed you? Knowing that at any one point, he might leave you for someone younger, someone who in 10 years time, can give him the same feelng that you might possibly be giving him?
What is the difference between liking a friend extremely much and loving a person for all the good and all the bad that he is. Well, i spent the afternoon defending my position. Oh, i know he will never stop me from achieving the things i need to achieve in life. In fact, he has been supportive all this while in my old job. I enjoy the intellectual tennis that we play. There is no guarantee that he will not leave even if he is of the same age. Age is not an issue. Its what i feel for him that ultimately counts. And of course this person said, well, when you are in love, all is clouded. You cannot see past his beauty. In fact, all you see is his beautiful parts. There are no flaws. You disagree all the time even now when you are not even dating. When you start? What happens? Are you going to stop talking altogether to avoid disagreeing? And how would you feel if you were to live under the same roof as someone and see the person everyday and not talk to the person.
The one statement that hit the nail on the spot was, if one person tell you something, and you don't agree, you can still stick to your guns. But if 10, 20 people tell you the same thing, then isn't it time to look past the surface, so that you do not eventually get hurt?
It was meant to be a simple dinner, a chill out session. The dinner and heat pack was an excuse to see him. The card was an excuse to share with this one special person exactly how i felt. It didn't matter that i left the heat pack i bought for him at home in a rush to make it for work on time this morning. The nearest pharmacy had a steady supply of heat pack. What did it matter that i already have 3 of it at home? What was more important was that he got his heat pack, so that when the knee or leg starts aching up again, he could simply throw it into the microwave and give himself some momentarily comfort.
I wanted desperately for him to ask me out. I wanted to be able to look back at it all and said, hey, i wasn't all that bad. He also enjoyed my company somehow. But it was close to 6pm, and he had not called or smsed. Finally, coz i did not know whether we were still meeting, although he mentioned it in passing yesterday, i caved. I smsed him to ask him if we were still meeting. Finally he replied, to say yeah, 8 plus. Nothing new i guess. after all, dinners with him were always that late. Left office at 7pm, but decided it was pointless to go home, so thought i'll run to buy him his heat pack since we were finally meeting, and then write him the sweet card that i bought for him.
I waited patiently for his reply. For his call that he said would be forthcoming. For the sms that said he was ready to meet. For days, i've wanted to bring him to this place where they sold fabulous salad udon. (for the record, this was my opinion) That's what he liked to eat, or so my lack of observational skills were put into test. Anyway, the call finally came after 8.30, saying that he would end at 9ish, and we would go to sushi tei for dinner. He made a pretty valid point anyway. By the time he got out of work, and hunted for the place, the restaurant would probably be closed. And so, i agreed. After all, beggars can't be choosers right? It was his company that i wanted ultimately, and therefore, it really didn't matter that we weren't gg to this restaurant that i have been planning to bring him to since late September. All in good time... all in good time.
Dinner was a hurried affair, for by the time we got there, which was about 9.20, they were taking the last orders for food. And he looked so tired, and so edgy, that i was rooted in my chair, not ready to voice out anything disagreeing, for fear of adding more stress to him. And so i did what i would do in such situations, i sat, smiled and listened to him tell me why it made more sense for us to come to sushi tei once again rather then gg to some far off restaurant. And why it was bloody bad to meet up on a weekday. Frankly does it make a difference when we meet up? After all, the guy is married to his work. Has a mistress as the work, and has children as the work. So it didn't really matter. We talked a little, chatted a little about my sexuality, i tried to share something with him, but i guess he just wasn't interested. And then he asked, casually, something in the likes of let's sleep together again or when are we gg to sleep together again.
I didn't reply then, as i felt any answer would have been inappropriate. But i was definately wanting to scream out, how about after dinner. That would be the best dessert for me. Not coz sleeping with someone would have been good dessert normally, but coz the comment made a difference for me. For the time we have been back, he has seem so indifferent to the whole prospect of sleeping together, that i dare not even broach on the topic for fear of offending him or putting him in one of his defensive moods about oh, i knew this would happen.. etc.. etc but he did talk about his ideal woman. A woman who would be a yes woman. Someone that would allow him to be the head of the household, someone that would let him run the show. And i guess the question i didn't ask was, and you think i would not?
Dinner ended before 10 as the cashiers had to close the accounts for the night. I bought him dinner coz i said i would. Anyway, dinner was meant to be a bribe to get him out. So, for all it was worth, i guess it was worth it. Then his phone rang, and when he put down the phone, he said, i don't have to go back to work. And then he said, let's go have a drink.. meaning coffee.
We walked to the nearest starbucks, and sadly, they closed early. So we decided to walk to the next starbucks which happened to be 5 minutes away. We got there, sat down for barely 10 minutes when all of a sudden, he sits up from the couch that we were at and says, hey, i have to go back to work. Huh? Puzzlement... Wasn't it less then 20 mintues ago that you said that you didn't have to go back to work. I kept silent. I wanted the tears to pass. I was never great at crying in public, let alone in front of someone that i felt cared nothing about me and my feelings. When they subsided, i said, well, i haven't finished my drink, but if you have to go, then go. Then he said, are you trying to tell me you want me to stay till you finish your drink? Then alright. I guess i can sit for another 5-10 minutes. Right... At this point of time, the flood of emotions came again. So once again, i looked out in the distance, and tried to focus on all the other things that didn't matter. I refuse to break down in front of him. Not that i think he would be able to handle it should i cry. Not that i think it would have mattered to him that he had hurt me. So finally after minutes of pure silence with him sitting at his corner and me in mine, i asked, why ask me out for coffee if you were going to sit only for 10 minutes and run?
Then, he said this.. Coffee also must have time frame one meh? I thought this sort of things, understood one mah. Don't need to explain. I initially wanted a drink after dinner. Then the other starbucks was closed. And we had to spend time walking here. And by then, the time that i had allocated for you was over. Hello? Allocated? Thanks a million dude. I think i'm worth more then that. In my humble opinion at least. Anyway, there was nothing left to say. I finished up my coffee as quickly as i could, picked up my laptop and left. There was really nothing to say.
I had to get away quickly. I didn't dare look at him. I knew there was only that much i could control with relations to my tears. There have been one or two sticky situations when the tears got the better of me. And with this man, this so special man, i didn't want to take the gamble. Who knows what he would say if i really did cry? Oh, see i told you so. After we sleep together, you get all emotional on me.... yadder yadder...
Anyway, after i left, in a last ditch effort to salvage the situation, i sms him, i guess i really am not understanding enough. All i wanted was to have dinner and chill and spend some time with you. So much for enjoy the moment. If i knew moments were that short, then maybe if i was more prepared, i would have handled it better. And he messaged, oh, thanks for dinner and the heat pack. Of which i sms him, well, if its useful for you, then its worth it. And i didn't even get a hug for buying you dinner and a heat pack. And he said he'll make it up the next time. Next time? Maybe he wasn't pissed off. Then in one sheer moment of stupidity, i decided to do the same thing my friend did. I think in law they call it the one question too many. I sms him back, you know, what you said during dinner about sex, were you serious or were you joking.
Drumroll please.....
And the answer is....
Joking only. Good nite.
Like the whole night was not an insult enough, this was like smearing salt in an open wound. I guess the jokes on me eh? Funny how i remember not too long ago when i also wrote this one sentence. And with that, comes the conclusion of this hilarious one sided love story. I loved and i lost. i did promise to do him one favour before all this transpired. And because he really is special to me, he will have his job done if he passes it to me. But when he returns on the 17th, with a job well done, i will do my darnest never to contact him again.
Maybe in the whole sequence of things, he was right. Or maybe not quite. Even before i boarded the plane for HK, i knew i was already in love with this guy. I didn't sleep with him with the intention of changing his view of me. I slept with him coz i wanted to. But maybe for a while, i thought i could have been more then a holiday fling or a two night stand. Maybe for a while, i thought we clicked. And maybe for a while, i really did thought my company and presence meant something in his life. Not as a girlfriend, not as a realtionship, but at the very least, a worthy companion. And now i know, that, each time we went out, i was allocated time. Sounds like time wasted. And i must have been pretty bad in bed for it to be a joke.
Oh well, at least i;ve seen the light. Somehow, he'll remain special. But surely i no longer want to take up his precious and busy time. I've never been time allocated in someone's life before. In fact, its been a long time since i really wanted to spend my life taking care of someone and giving in to the person and making the person happy, and doing everything i can to make the person's life easier in my own simple ways. But during dinner, he mentioned so many times, he's not looking for a relationship. And i respect that. But i never want a person to feel like i wasn't worth his company. Coz i know i deserved every minute of it, if not more. I know, i would have given him the moon had he asked. And for that, i know, that it's finally over...

GAME OVER... GAME LOST

Questions unanswered

I guess there are many things about men which i have yet to figure out. And more importantly, there are questions about 1 particular man that i wish to figure out but will never have the ability to. Is it my presence that you cannot deal with? Or is it merely you are not interested in my company whatsoever.. i am surprised. I'm not even interested to blog today.
For what you did on Friday, i guess now i can see why u were even nice to me on Saturday. And for that, i dislike u even more. For you did not even have the courage to tell me the truth. And i was right. You were so unwilling to share. And i question why i shared so willingly with you. Why i tell you each and everything that happens to me. And there you were, guarding your cards so close..

As night falls

As night falls, its the time of the night where one grows weary and tired. And its normal to feel this way. If you were on a journey and not sure when u will reach the end, then as night falls, its time to lay your knapsack down and turn in and lie down to sleep. For if you choose not to sleep, u might find yourself too tired to carry on or even if you did take some extra steps, you might die of exhaustion.
Tonight, as the weariness hits me in a wave, i realize now how my head had been right all this while. The things that i spoke to Superman this afternoon, about us being from different worlds, about how there can never be a happy ending to this fairy tale, has hit me back hard. Tonight as he once again turns a blind eye to my calls, in whichever manner, it dawn on me that i should have given up so long ago. That it was only coz i was in dreamland that i actually believed or bluff my brain to believe that there could be just so much more.
Its always how i am not understanding enough, how he has so much work to do, How i cannot expect him to give me more time or more attention. How i am too demanding. And from this moment, i guess he is right. I am demanding. I do want more. I do want more time, more attention, i want to be everything that he is scared of. With that thought in mind, i shall go off to dreamland and write tml.

That's life

I seem to be running out of topic titles. I've been having some thoughts lately about finally opening up my blog to people in my life instead of just keeping the blog private as i have done. Not sure if it is really such a great idea. But will open it up for consideration.
Anyway, two things in my insignificant life happened yesterday. Why do i always blog 24 hrs after the incident has happened? I guess to give myself time to figure out whether its worth blogging about. Anyway, going to talk about the 2nd thing first. Was running for a position in this committee for something that i feel was rather close to heart. In the lead up to the running for the committee, i was asked to run for president. But, i guess there was a part that felt i might not do as good a job as someone else i knew. Why? Is it coz i doubt that i have the potential to do something? Or rather the capacity to do it? Well, i guess the answer is no. I just feel that i am not as passionate about it as this other person is. Then again, i also feel that this person needs the affirmation more then i needed it. And therefore, i'm glad the results turned out favourable. I am officially the vice president ( gives me more room to slack) Haa...
The other incident that got to me was that i had a small argument with the one person who recently has been able to get all sorts of weird reactions from me. I really cannot understand how and why it is that i am having a dance with this friend. Ever felt that with every step u take with a person, you seem to be moving one step back one day later? And i guess, for this friend, i feel this way. I've really done my best to listen, to ask pertinent questions, and yet, at the end of the day, i feel like i've not progressed. It seems like the wall is so high and so tight, that there is no way of getting across or into the beautiful castle that i see inside. Or maybe only becoz its so difficult to get in that the castle looks beautiful. Would i then when i have entered, see a place that is in ruins and walk away never to want to come back again?
Anyway, the curious incident is that this person msned me today. As usual, we pretended that nothing transpired between us yesterday. But how healthy is this? How healthy will a relationship or friendship be if you cannot talk about what is bugging you or what you really want? Someone once told me that when you fall in love, its meant to be simple. Not that there are no obstacles in love, but everything seems to fall into place. And when you have a fight or where there is a difference in opinion, you will be able to talk it out or work it out. If you have to struggle so hard to make things work, it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Is this one person right? If this person is right, then by golly, i guess its darn certain that this person is not the right person for me. And yet, another school of thought is through adversity, a couple grows. So, which is which? Depends on the school of thought that you subscribe to i guess.
Had a fantastic day out tonight. Its been ages since i last went partying with Superman. Brought a friend along as well. I really do miss him and the times when we partied religiously every week. At the end of the night, he sent me a really sweet sms. Told me not to do anything stupid before consulting him. I guess it's times like this where i feel that i'm really blessed. Around me in my life, i've always had a steady stream of people and friends who want to be around for me, who would share their knowledge and life experiences with me. And that has helped me grow a lot as a person and also has kept me out of trouble once too often. Thanks big brother.... you truly are special. Why? Coz you treat even the most insignificant person with the dignity and respect as you would a great person. And i know in my heart that sometimes, i must irritate the hell out of you, but you never get annoyed. With all the patience you can muster, you will still hold my hand and walk with me.
I have been in love with a person for some time now. It's hard to admit this especially when the relationship is going nowhere... But today, as i am writing this blog, and after reading a friend's blog, i guess i really have to admit it. No amount of self delusion, self constrait, restraint has helped me in this regard. Maybe when they say, sometimes, with emotions, you can hardly control yourself and that of your heart, its really true. I have no idea how to approach this person and i guess in my own cowardly way, i probably never will. Inside my head, i'm holding a debate. If i tell this person that i'm in love with him, it could strike up certain endings. And out of all these conclusions, hardly any of them good. Then i ask myself, if thats the case, is it then pointless to stay in love with this person? Every rational part and logical part of me screams to walk away. And yet, the heart which has been hurt once too often, refuses to listen to logic and reason. Why is that so? Does it happen to most people? And are there those that don't feel that way? And if so, what and how are they able to not listen to their hearts, but to go with their heads?
Its really tough to be in love with a person. Oki.. that statement is a lie. Its only tough when its not reciprocal. If it was a two way traffic, then at this moment, i guess i will only be able to blog about love, love and more love. So the question that comes to mind once again, is the question of whether it is better to be loved or to love....
Love should be something complementary i guess. Not a matter of who loves who more, but rather, a matter of give and take.To receive, you must first give. And yet, when is the time when u can say you haven't given enough, and refuse to give any more coz you are not receiving. Tough call. Sometimes, you find excuses after excuses to say, its alright. I'll give it one last shot. If it doesn't work out, then i'll stop. Then there are the times when u say, i've given so much already, why not just carry on? Maybe, just maybe one day he'll give. Or maybe just one day, he will miraculously wake up and decide that he adores me coz i've given so much. Does persistency pay? And at what price?
Sometimes, i wish i was a guru and i had all the answers at the snap of my fingers. At the same time, i take it all that these are learning experiences and that is how one grows as a person. But does it mean i have regressed if i haven't learnt the lesson after getting burnt once? And remember i said once history is repeated each time till you learn the lesson that you are meant to learn? So is this the lesson that i am meant to learn? Or is this a test of my faith?
Why is it that with each point of view that i take, i am still clueless?

My declaration of Self Esteem

I am Me
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it - I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,Whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fanatasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and Successes, all my failures and mistakes
Because I own all of Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I knowThere are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other Aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me - However I Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whateverI think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically Me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and doI have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be Productive to make sense and order out of the world ofPeople and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me and
I am Okay!

(Virginia Satir)

A not so long one

Just thought of writing a long post since i am waiting for time to pass anyway. Its called the long one, coz i have absolutely no idea what the topic is going to be about. I have been reading my previous posts and the comments that have been generated. Didn't know that many people respond or rather read and write in people's blogs in hope that they will respond and generate traffic in their own sites. Is everything nowadays about money?
Had an interesting topic of conversation with someone yesterday. Had to think had about certain matters. Is money really that important? And yet at the end of the day, what can you do if you have no money? Would a poor man think that money is the most important thing in the world, if he had a family of 4 to feed and yet, each day, jobless, he brings no bacon and bread home? Or would a rich man feel that money means nothing to him. After all, he has so much that it will take several lifetimes to spend it all.
Then a topic of interest came about in Sunday's newspaper. About a person who was using a handicapped toilet. And she was penalised for it. Funny how people are talking about equal opportunities, and yet want special treatment at the end of the day. Its like 100 yrs ago, if you were to say, well, woman would one day run the world, or be so involved in politics that they yield as much power as men, people would think you to an idiot. Spluttering nonsense. And yet, look how far we have progressed. And yet, it was kinda funny thinking of woman at that time who were fighting for equal rights and yet, accuse a man of not being a gentleman if he doesn't hold the door open for her. Haven't people already figured out there is nothing called equality. We can say we have progressed and that we have grown. But we cannot say we are looking at equality. Woman and man will never be equal. Its our make and our backgrounds that will never make us equal. We both appeal to different things. We don't have to appeal to the same things or same traits. We need to complement each other. I do hope i do not get shot down for voicing out such comments.. haha
Not sure what to write abt actually... maybe it will be a short one after all. Ha..
Have decided that its time to go back to school. Haven't really shared much of this thought with anyone just yet. I guess there is a time and place for everything. And somehow, this suddenly feels like its the correct time to start doing this and doing that. Maybe its coz its the year end and i feel like i'm gg to be one year older again and i better start doing something about it. Funny how these things work. Never quite sure. But i guess when the motivation is strong enough, its time to act on my instincts and move that butt. Rather then sit and wait all day long.
Was just mentioning to a friend that for some time now, i have felt that my life is incomplete. But suddenly, it feels complete all over agian. How can that be? How can one's life change overnight? Is it merely the perspective that has changed or maybe its the fact that i've found new purpose in my life and therefore, am feeling this way? And what would my purpose be? Tough question to answer. I have no idea really. I just know that there are a lot of things to do, a lot of things to accomplish. And yet, maybe with each passing day, i'm growing older, and one day, i don't want to look back and say, what the heck, i wish i had done that.. or this.. or that..