He's back in town today. I went down to Zouk for a Hen's nite. We chatted on MSN earlier on and i told him i needed to talk. Told him to call me when he was free. He didn't bother to come look for me although he was at Velvet. He didn't bother to call till i sms him at 1am. I hate being this way. Hate being needy. And yet, i think about the fact that i seldom tell him that i need to talk. And if it was my friend, i would have called.
And i guess maybe that's why i am having so much conflict. Or maybe i am being the kind of friend that i do not want to be back to him.
He called finally to say he didn't understand women. I really couldn't hear him very well over the phone. I guess i was too gone by then. I really just wanted someone to hear me out. Someone to understand what i felt. And yet, it was a mistake....
Last nite, i met a long time couple. A couple that have been dating for ages, who bought a apartment together, a car together and i know enough to know one of them wants to stay together for the rest of their lives. They broke up 6 mths back, and when i asked her if she still cared for him, she said something that i could identify with. She said, i care a lot. Maybe to the extend that it's like what a mother cares for a child. And yet, i know he needs his time to grow up and mature. And see that i am what he wants. If he never finds it, then i will have to live with it.
It struck a chord close to heart. I've never been so interested in a man before. Maybe only Guardian. And yet, like i said before, till today, i care about Guardian lots. I care about this new guy lots too. I worry when he is out of town, wondering if everything is fine. When he is back, i like to see him on MSN or in life, so i know he is fine. I wish there was a lot more i could do for him. And i guess what scared me for a while was the fact that i actually wanted to be around to take care of him for the rest of his life.
Maybe he doesn't need taking care of. Maybe he doesn't even want someone in his life. And yet, there is strong calling. And that is what scares me. Coz he is twice as old as me. He will age faster then me. And yet, that night, i realized that i didn't mind doing that for the rest of my life, i was terrified.
I'm not even sure how he feels about me. He's mentioned before that he is not looking for a relationship. That he is not interested in having a gf. I cannot understand why and yet, all i want is for him to be happy.
Once in a while, i feel like i need someone to just hear me out. To listen to me and for me to share with him the good and the bad. The happy times and the sad times. He mentioned once before that his ideal girl is someone who will let him run the house. TO be head of the family. Is that really so difficult? At the end of the day, i'm just looking for someone to care about me.
I know he tried calling when he reached home. But i was taking care of girl at the point of time. She was drunk, had to send her home.
Sometimes, i feel like i can no longer be there for everyone. While i am there for each and everyone of my friends, who is there for me? There are nights like tonight where i wish i can collapse in someone's arms and for that person to tell me that everything will work out fine. Hug me, cuddle me and protect me. And i can fall asleep knowing that when i wake tml, it's going to be a brand new day.
Sometimes, i wish i had the power to make a man love me, or like me. I don't need an extremely good looking man. I don't need an extremely wealthy man. All i ask is a man who cares, someone whom i can talk to. And someone who will hug me and tell me its going to be oki...