Mother Hen

Well, just came back from a Hen's nite. Its funny how i feel the way i feel right now. For the longest of time, since i was back in secondary school, i've been like mother hen to all these girls. Somehow, it has to do with being my size. I'm not exactly small and petite, not exactly huge like hulk or shrek. Guess i'm just taller and bigger then the average girl. And so, since i was like in primary school, i've always been the protector of women who were weaker and smaller. Someone joked once many years ago, that my best fren and i were so different just in size alone. She is so small, and i'm so big. If we walked into a shop, if she could find a dress or top there, then chances are, the sizes are too small and i would be unable to find clothes there. If i can find clothes there, then the cutting is probably too big for her. And so, that's how we went through our school days. Today, we celebrated her Hen's nite and i will see her get married on Saturday.
As with most times when we go partying as a group, should any guy attempt to pick up one of the gals, they will switch places with me and i will once again become the shield for them. Never changes over the years.
And i guess there's where my greatest dilemma comes in. Over the years, i've grown protective over all my friends and sometimes even their friends. You know, the only time i ever felt that someone was protective over me and not the other way round was when i was with Guardian. Then, i guess since he was a guy, he was protective over me. And that sums up what i feel today.
A fren of mine did something really stupid today. She OD.. I empathise with her coz i've walked down that road before. But her doing it brought back many memories. Up till today, i guess if you ask me why i'm living, i'll tell you coz i feel bad disappointing all the people that i treasure and love. That i know that they will feel bad should i really OD and not make it. And if you ask me what's the value of my life, i would not know how to tell you. I guess it's precisely becoz of this feeling and that is why i will place most people's happiness above mine. If i care for that person. That explains why i will send all my friends home when i drive. That explains why i will come out with my friends when all i feel like doing is staying at home and sleeping.
Over the years, i've began to place my friends before me. I was never like that when i was in school. Maybe to a certain extent. But my own life, training and sports came first. I looked out for them when i feel that they needed me. But, it was my interest more then theirs. Its changed...
Anyway back to my friend, i guess i am not sure what to do with this one. I want to be a good friend, to be there for each and everyone of them. I don't want to play the role of the martyr. I know i am unable to. And yet again, i feel bad when my friends call and i am unable to be there for them.
Last night, i blew up at a friend who was quarreling with her bf. I lost my cool coz i could not stand seeing a friend taken advantage of. A friend who was lost. And yet, my anger was not directed at her. My anger was directed coz i did not understand and could do nothing about it....
Today, i got a call that she OD. I thought about what my friends did when i OD the last time. True, they have been friends with me for ages, but one never judges the depth of the friendship by the amount of time that you know a person.
I am in conflict actually. I know i cannot handle this. There is enough things going on in my life without having to deal with this. And yet, thats what friends are for.
Our friendship will change. I know that. But it is inevitable.
Coz last night, when the shit hit the fan, i knew that i couldn't stand being around and seeing it happen. I knew that my life was a lot screwed up as well. I knew i wanted someone else to be there for me.
TBC