Friday, August 25, 2006

Work on the small issues first

This one line was shared to me by a close friend. For a couple of days, or rather for some weeks now, i've been bothered and frustrated with an issue. The issue hasn't changed all that much. Since i started blogging, there has been someone special in my life. Someone that i really care about and i feel is real special. And yet, in the 20mths that i've liked this man, i feel like our relationship hasn't progressed. And what is the problem here? Is it me or is it that this guy is merely not interested and not keen in me?
I guess over the past few weeks, i've been hearing words like calibration... expectation.. and finally out of sheer frustration, i felt like i needed to write him a letter to tell him just how i was feel about the whole issue. I was about to start and when i told myself, when i finished writing the letter, it would signify the beginning of the end. And yet, there was a lot of uncomfort.I could not do what i set out to do. THe days went by and i never completed the letter. I had the dear.... and that was it. Maybe i was at a lost of what to write also. And then, i could not bring myself to do something so drastic.
There is a simple reason why this is so. I was not ready to let go. I could not end things between us should i not get my answers. Two school of thoughs here. I've spent so much time on this. If i gave up now, i could either be wasting time or not. And i was unsure. So, being frustrated and unsure, i had to voice it out to a friend just what i wanted to do. So in the end, my friend told me the topic header. Work on the small issues that are within your control and did not need you to involve your emotions first.
And this week, i start searching for solutions that will allow me to do just so.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

That street

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost....
I am hopeless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend i don't see it.
I fall in again. I can't believe i'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in; it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where i am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Interesting weekend

I met a swinger couple over the weekend. And you can just use your imagination as to what happened. It was an experience really, but i know for sure that its not what interests me. Anyway, i've been doing lots of thinking this whole weekend. I met TG partying on friday night and the night was unique as it always is with him. Maybe in my own simple ways, i feel differently about TG already. And the realization came after the day out with Guardian.
Its funny how i know that its also over between Guardian and myself. And all that lay between us is 10yrs of familiarity and habit. And that out of habit and to seek comfort, i would find myself once again in a compromising situation with him. But yet, as we held hands and said goodbye, i could not help but feel a little emotion still trapped at the bottom of my heart. And i could not help but wonder, whether there would be even a remote chance that we would both fall in love once again?
Anyway, i've decided to stop playing with fire for a while. That day, Guardian asked me a question. Whose fire is bigger. And although based all the facts presented, his is the bigger fire, i know when it comes to matters of the heart, my flame will always burn stronger then most people. And i'm not willing to take the risk. And until i can once again say to him that its just an act with no emotions involved, i'm not jumping with my two feet in. As for Mr Big, lets just say, i think i deserve better then that. Haa

Friday, July 28, 2006

The past and the fantasy

Friday afternoon.

I was supposed to be out on Wednesday night having dinner. Supposed to mit the men to go drinking after dinner. And i received a call at 11 telling me not to turn up as someone in the group mention that having me ard was a pain in the butt and that i was irritating.

Confusion sets in. Why complain that i'm irritating when you just asked me out for dinner for tml nite?

Anyway, i had a beautiful day yesterday. Maybe at the back of my mind, i just loved to be pampered and loved. Or maybe at the back of my head, this is all i can accept. Guardian walked back into my life recently. We merely went out for coffee and a drive after he bought his new car. It was something that he has always wanted and i feel happy for him that he has managed to fulfill a little part of his dream.
He picked me up from home after his night shift work. And bought me breakfast and then we headed back to his place. Then he spent the day ferrying me around to meet my clients. And then we went off to the arcade to play while i waited for TG to sms me for dinner.
Finally TG smsed me and Guardian dropped me off. He of course didn't know i was mtg TG. All i said was i had a dinner appt, but promised him that i would have dinner with him again when i was done.
DInner with TG was a simple affair. I understood last night that TG is a men of expensive taste and likes the finer qualities of life. On top of that, TG likes a variety of stuff. As for Guardian, at the end of the day, he is still a simple man. He can move upward in life and yet stay simple. I guess that's the beauty of him.I asked TG about the comment he made, and he said it was harmless, just a passing statement. But it still hurt. And i guess throughout dinner, i wasn't sure exactly what or whom i wanted. TG seems such like a fantasy. Guardian is a past. So what is the present?
Anyway, i asked TG also whether he was interested in gg away together? And that if he was not interested, then i would not ask again. And without thinking, he said he was interested. Just that he could not give me a fixed timing and date. I am not sure where to move on from here.
Guardian picked me up after TG and i were done with dinner. There are times when the question still pops up in my head. WHere are we both heading with this relationship we have? And do i really still love him as much as i did before. Or is it merely out of habit now and convenience in a relationship? Guardian and i spent the night in each other's arms as he hugged me to sleep and told me how much he enjoyed my company. He sent me to work this morning and i stopped myself from asking the question that always pops up. When will i see you again....
I know he has his limitations. But i also know i do so want to go away with him. He said he wanted to go away to Malacca, or Desaru or anyway together. We've been through this conversation so many times, made so many plans and i know somehow, it never materialises. Maybe we are really not meant to be toge4ther in the long run.
But i went to see a tarot card reader and also a fortune teller. Both claim that i have a problematic love life and that i would have to go through a lot of trials and tribulations before i am finally with the man that i love. At the same time, the tarot card reader told me that something will develop between TG and myself. And that i would be hurt by him badly. Just as bad as i had been hurt by Guardian a long time back.
As for Guardian and i, they both claim that eventually we'll be back together. I shared this with Guardian. And he kept mum. Maybe at the back of my head, i always pick the relationships that are doomed to fail coz i'm still waiting for him. But honestly, the wonderful day we had, the beautiful times, they no longer pull at my heartstrings the way they used to. Now, i feel the warmth or being out with him, the comfort of holding his hand and him giving me hugs and kisses. But the kind of passion i had for him died a long time ago.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Who will you be Tomorrow?

WHO WILL YOU BE TOMORROW?
Steve Goodier
One man sat at a stop light. The woman in front of him was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she didn't go. A green light is not a suggestion, you know, it is more of a commandment. But she didn't notice. When the light turned red again, she still had not moved. The man in the car behind her now started screaming epithets and beating on his steering wheel.
A policeman tapped on his windshield. "You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," the man said. The cop asked for his license and registration, returned to his car, talked on the radio for a while, and finally handed the papers back. The driver protested, "I knew you couldn't cite me for yelling in my own car!"
The officer replied, "I didn't want to cite you for shouting in your car. But I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, 'That man is out of control. He's going to hurt someone!' Then I noticed the cross hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Love Is a Choice' license tag, the 'Give Peace a Chance' and 'Prayer Changes Things' bumper stickers, and I was sure you must have stolen the car."
His behavior did not reflect his bumper stickers. But let's not be too critical. Are we always the people we want to be?
We make changes by stretching. Personal transformation can happen when the person we presently are does not yet resemble the person we hope to be. Better to set high ideals and occasionally fall short than to settle for mediocrity and succeed.
The important question is not, "Who are you today?" It is better to ask, "Who will you be tomorrow?"

Remember: if nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein

The Phone Call

Today, i was in office when my hp rang. It was an overseas call and it was definately unfamiliar. But being the monkey that i was, i decided to pick it up. Well, actually i confess, i tot it was him calling, and so i picked it up. Imagine my shock when it was some girl, asking for me. First thought that ran through my mind was, who do i know? And she introduced herself, said she was his gf. And then panic hit me. Did something happen to him? Was he alright? And then, she started questioning me, asking me who i was, and how i was related to him. And i knew. This was the phone call that i had dreaded all along.
Funnily enough, i never expected that it would come from his gf. At the back of my mind, i always thought Guardian's wife would be the one that gave me the dreaded call. Maybe albeit the bochup attitude that i've come to adopt over the past few years, that since i'm single, i'm entitled to go out with and date anyone, i realised that deep down, i haven't changed. That somewhere beneath all the stuff i've thrown over the old me, its still lurking somewhere beneath.
I told her i was his buddy and brother. I so very much wanted to say, hey, i'm simply adore him and if you're stupid enough to give him up and if he would even give me a second look, i'll be more then willing to take your place. And yet, i knew i could not do it. Because, each time i talk to him, i hear his love for her.And each time i talk to him, i know that i don't even stand a chance to him. That sometimes, things are just not meant to be coz there is no chemistry. And for that, i respect that its what he wants and desires. And when you get what you want and desire, you will usually be happy. And i guess, bottom line is, i wanted him to be happy. So, i did the right thing, told her i was his buddy/brother and told her he loved her a lot. And i guess in a certain perverse way, that wasn't all that false. He does treat me like a buddy. Maybe the brother part is pushing it, more like sister. And i definately didn't lie when i said he loved her a lot.
And then, she started crying and said that she loves him dearly and that all she needed to know from the phone call was whether he was a decent man and whether he was lying to her. And i reassured her. And she cried even more. It tore my heart to hear the anguish in her voice. Coz i know i was there before. And so i said all the things that i would have said. About trying to work things out, calling him, trusting him, coz if she's there and he's here, then trust would feature greatly. And i apologized that my sms to him in the middle of the night started their fight. And i stood up for his character. And considering the short time i've known him, i guess that was a stretch. You know i suck at lying.
Anyway, she told me it was over. And started sobbing again. And when she finally stopped, she said thank you for listening and understanding and put down the phone.
Honestly, if you ask me, i felt miserable. I felt that somehow, my actions have caused a dear friend of mine his loss of happiness. And i know that i've moved away from Guardian already, but it made me think that i've become the very person that i didn't want to be. I never went near a man if i knew he was attached or dating someone. I'll probably keep two arms length away from him to avoid having a misunderstanding with his wife, And here i was, sleeping with the enemy. And giving myself silly and petty excuses as to why i do it. And then, i meet a really nice and charming friend, and within 3 weeks of knowing him, ruins his life long happiness with a woman he loves.
I smsed him to apologize. Of course being the sweet guy he was, he said it wasn't my fault. And that he was sorry. How could he be sorry to me when if i had kept my itchy fingers to myself, or had more self restraint, none of this fight would have occurred? We talked for a while coz he called, and i'm just glad he was fine. Coz she told me he left her in the morning and they parted ways. And i was worried i guess. Admist feeling bad about spoiling their relationship, i was truly worried about him. Coz i felt the trip must have meant a lot to him, especially since he flew off the next day after returning from a working trip. And because she meant so much, i really feel like i should try to help him win her back. Simply coz i feel that he is a special man. But what can i do? I feel quite at a loss really.
I just hope he is fine and that he is not too sad about the break up. Or that if things work out, they had a talk and she would try harder to bring happiness to him. But i guess i still feel bad.. only coz i remembered a phone conversation we had once. And he said if i really cared about someone, i would not want to put him in a spot. And it was those very words that made me decide with conviction that things between Guardian and i have been going on for way too long. And that i never want to hurt him by carrying our relationship coz in the end, both he and his wife would be hurt. And then, here i care about this man. And i have indirectly caused his hurt and pain. Oh well, guess i would just have sleep on it. And if he calls when he returns, then i know he has forgiven me and still accepts me as a friend.
Cheers

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The men in my life?

I'm back. Guess the last post wasn't my last after all. Feels kinda weird not blogging. In fact, i actually miss blogging quite a bit. Maybe in some ways, blogging is cathartic? Who am i to dispute that?
Well, what spurred this on? I guess a series of events that set a ball rolling. A ball that i'm not even sure i have the strength to stop of even want to stop. Let's start with something that happened recently and move backwards.
I went on a date yesterday. An actual date, lunch, movie and all. And i guess in a way, it was quite a disappointment. You see, for so long now, i've been wanting to go watch a movie with Tour Guide. And surprisingly, i walked out of the movie not feeling anything. Not feeling any more special or less special. Not feeling like i was actually out on a date. Maybe somewhere deep down, my feelings for him have turned passive. Or maybe, somehow in the course of this journey, i've begun to view him as a buddy. I'm not even certain whether it was a sigh of relieve that i can finally move on, or maybe the numerous disappointments from him that have made my heart decide to let go and move on. Whichever the case, i know i will always have a soft spot for him and i guess, i never thought i'll care so deeply ever about another man. He made me see that it was possible.
That aside, two weeks back, i met another man. It was a rather explosive sort of relationship. Nah.. Not love at first sight. I wouldn't even call it lust. Maybe just two strangers, burdened with a feeling of falling out of love. But i must admit he was a sweet guy. If there was a way to describe my feelings when i was out with him, it was that of a little princess. Yup. You're going to say there i am once again in my fantasy world. But that was how he made me feel. In his own way, he made me feel safe, and for a moment i actually contemplated the fact that there could be more between us. And yet, i knew that as soon as i woke up from this dream, i would see it as it was. It was a dream... In my warped mind, i must say i feel a bond and closeness to him. Maybe coz its been ages since i've ever felt the need to share about Guardian to any of the men that i was with. I've always been able to put this wall up, put this front up and if things didn't work out, walk away knowing i have Guardian by my side. And yet, this person, came along, and i wanted to open up to him. Maybe it really is about timing. Maybe all these dreams i've been having, is m unconscious telling me that i need to be congruent soon or i'll lose my mind. Somehow, this one man evoke really strong feelings within me. There is this rational part of me that tells me that this man will hurt me deeply if i choose to open up myself to him. And yet, against my better judgement, i did.
So whats happening with this man and me? Well, truth be told, i'm half minded whether i want him to contact me again. He's gone off for work overseas. And he will return. A part of me wishes he will never call or sms me again. And then, i can choose to walk away, knowing that he was no different from any of the other men that i've dated. And there is a part of me that wishes he will call or sms and tell me things between him and his ex are over and that there was a possibility of things happening. Between the two, i'll choose the former. Coz i know he has the power to hurt me terribly. Unlike tour guide, i feel a sense of peace and security with him, and i know just how complicated and tough walking away would be.
He called me the pessimist. And truth be told, maybe i am. You know what i really would like to do? I would like to keep people away from my heart. coz i'm so scared of being hurt. One day, when i find my prince charming, i know i will not feel this way.
Then there is this issue of Guardian and me. For some reason, i can feel it slowly dying. We spoke the other day. And i know i don't want to be involved any longer. I want to be me. I want to do things, to go out and push those boundaries. To go ahead and release the walls the tower me when we broke off and started this illicit relationship 6 years ago. Maybe what i told him a long time ago is the truth. That i'm a free spirited person and cannot be caged up. For 10 years, i've been in this cage, and its time to walk out now the cage door is open. For years, i was so afraid. So scared that i'll not know where to go or what to do. And yet, a silent yearning me is asking, what was so bad about walking out. Don't you still want to see the world?
And funnily, i'm not sad about leaving. In fact, i'm rather excited. In the last two weeks, i think i've achieved more then i've achieved in the last 6 years. And i know that it could only have happened because i allowed it to. Because for once, i wanted to see what else i was capable of. I didn't want to be that someone who was looking in from the garden window. I want to be in that secret garden....

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The journey and its ending

This is going to be my final post as i feel like i've finally reached the end of a journey. And i'm about to embark on a new journey and it does not involve blogging.
Thank you all my fans and friends who come here constantly to read about my life and always smsing me or calling me when ever you see me post a sad blog.

Remember the hero's journey? Some of you will know what i'm talking about, some of you dont. I met the wise man yesterday. And i'm about to embark on my journey because i finally know where i'm supposed to go. So this blogging will come to an end as i embark on my new journey.I now have a new destination.

Anyway, thanks for everything, everyone. Cheers

Monday, April 03, 2006

First Knocks

Someone once told me the first knocks in our lives are usually the most painful knocks. And its no wonder that after a couple of knocks, one tends to get numb or immue to them. Over the weekend, while i was busy spicing up my social and personal life, i came to certain revelations about a certain friend. Funny thing is, what would you do one day if you found your best friend or really good friend lied to you?
Should you feel sad? Hurt? Betrayed? Or should you just shrug your shoulders, accept that it happens, and move on? After all, isn't that what life is all about? Each time, something bad happens, i tell myself that i hope this would be all the lessons i'm taking from the school of hard knocks. But i've also come to realise that the lessons never end. The day it ends, would be the day i actually lie on my death bed, with my life flashing past me. But before that, i guess i just have to brace myself and carry on living.
The first knocks being the toughest, i can only look back and grin now that several days have gone by. I know i've grown up and am stronger coz i was quite unfazed by it. Or it could be merely that i'm a little numb to it all by now. Or it could really just be that i don't really care any longer. Or it could be that if i look deep within myself, i fib as well. Sometimes by adding details that are not there, sometimes by ommiting certain details and sometimes by just not sharing as well. So i guess if i fib as well, who am i to throw stones. Right?
Cheers

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Heaven Knows - Rick Price

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holdin' on

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows

I believe in fairytales

Had a phone call from a friend last night. And she was upset, and i was doing my best to give her a listening ear. And it wasn't too tough coz for once, i was not distracted, and sat down and heard her out. And it felt good. Just listening to my friend, and being the best friend that i could be. And in the course of our conversation, we talked about loves and the people whom we love, the people who love us, but we don't love back. I brought up my prince charming theory. And i guess, when we finally put down the phone, i realised that no matter how cynical i claim to be, or how hurt or how much i never want to be with a man again, i still believe in fairytales. And that means, that somewhere out there, is a prince charming that i've yet to meet. And as long as i continue being good, i'm fine!
Alright, i confess, i did spend the day watching disney cartoons. And i guess what inherently drives all these cartoons is that Good always triumphs over EVIL. Somehow, i wish that could be said about the real world. But all that aside, sometimes, it merely takes a little more belief. The world is a beautiful place no matter how you look at it. Sometimes, grownups like myself forget the fairytale world, where they teach us to be nice to our friends, to work together, to live happily together and ever after. And after a while, when we forget this mantra, the world becomes an ugly place coz people no longer are nice. Deep down inside, they still are. Its just that over the years, they've sort of forgotten?
Maybe i'm just being naive here. Then again, that's just me and how i cope with a world that are full of things that i can barely comprehend. But the most important lesson hit me last night while i was watching tele. If you love someone, set them free. Reminds me of rick price's song, heaven knows. And at the same time, i am reminded that there was a time where this concept was strong in my head. At 17, i told Guardian, well, if you love that girl, go. I'll be happy for you. But somehow along the way, i became possesive and demanding, and i guess over the years, i haven't changed. Now i want to be the bigger person i was. Not in size. But in heart. And although i might not be extremely happy right from the start, as long as i keep those brownie points coming in, i'll be fine!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

If we all onlly had 3 loves of our lives, i am out of the game

Alright. For the longest of time, i believed in fairytales. I mean, which child didn't right? And so for the fact that i really believed in fairytales, i also believed in the one true love of my life, sweeping me off my feet. If i'm not wrong, i did post something about cinderella and snow white theory before. Anyway, that aside, i guess in the weirdest of ways, i really wanted to believe that fairytales do exist. And like every naive little child, i wanted to be the princess in the fairytales. And if i couldn't be the princess in the fairytales, at least allow me to be the princess of my own fairytale.
And so, for a long time, i was allowed to be the princess of my little fairytale. As long as i didn't step out into the real world where other girls were also princesses of their own fairytale. I guess maybe that's why i never read a book with snow white and cinderella in it together. Because, that would have confused me as a child. They were after all, all waiting for 1 prince charming to arrive. And if all of them got their prince charming, and there was only 1 right, then how could all these woman be happy?
And so, as i grew up, stupid, naive and ignorant, i did eventually fall in love with a man. But that was not before i fell in love with a woman. Of course fairytales don't condone lesbianism. But really, how was i to know? I was young and naive, and all i could think about was being in love, having a companion, and wanting the person i loved to be truly happy. And so, when the woman thing didn't work out, coz she wasn't into lesbianism as well... Then i fell head over heels in love with the one man that i thought would be my prince charming.
We led 5 happy years together, happy as can be, and i guess i really believed in fairytales. And i was blissful that i was able to be just the princess in my own fairytale. It didn't matter what other women in the world were fighting about, i just knew as with all fairytales, that the odds would be against us, and yet, at the end of the day, we'll overcome the obstacles and we would live happily ever after!
Alas, that was not the case. And into the wind my 1st prince charming left. And i went back to flip the books again, and i realised, that well, genies give 3 wishes right? So, i should be given 3 chances to find my prince charming. And so with my little fairytale slightly dented but yet still full of eager hope, i embraced life and met the challenges it dished out to me. And then i met a lot of noble man along the way trying to pass off as my prince charming, but, i always had the eye for the prince. After all, i was the princess.
So one day, as with all fairy tales, i met prince charming again. Not the same prince charming, but a different one. And this prince charming was different from the last prince charming. And so, we had a couple months of blissful relationship, only to realise that actually, this was just a nobleman in disguise. And so, i guess i didn't use up my 3rd chance at love. And finally, after a long break, i met Prince Charming.
He really was a charming person, endearing in every way. And i was so convinced that this time round, this would be the one. But i guess the sad fact was, i never realised that in the fairytales, prince charming was also looking out for his perfect princess. And as much as i was looking out for the prince charming in my own world, i might not be the princess in prince charming's world. But i hoped and i prayed everyday that one day, prince charming would see me as the princess of his world. And no it didn't work out that way either.
And so.. if i had 3 wishes that the genie gave me to find the 1 true love or prince charming in my life, then i guess if you count the woman, then i've used it all up. So does it mean that i have no more shot in this fairytale anymore? Does it mean that i now have to settle for being just ordinary old me, and let my fairytales fade into the background? Is that how adults eventually lose their faith and hope in this world, and end up old, wrinkled and cynical? I really hope not. After all, i'm sure, i just haven't read a book where the genie gives me more then 3 wishes. Or that cinderella/snow white met many prince charmings and had to go through hell and back before they got together the prince charming that they chose to spend their lives with. But when all is said and done, if there isn't a book out there, then by golly, i'll be writing a book pretty soon. Just figuring the details of how to add the topic of lesbianism and delusion into a simple children's fairytale! Cheers

What exactly is LOVE

I'm not sure if i have posted something like this before. But what the heck. Maybe my views have changed a little since the last time i've posted. And maybe not. But for what it's worth, what the heck. I'll post something that i've been asking myself for the longest of time. What exactly is love. And when and how do you know that you are in love. And does love actually have a defining form? Like how do you know you are in love. Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is there a tune that goes on in your head? A picture that is being painted in one's mind?
And how big is the gap when one is in love? Does it matter if the person is younger then you? Older then you? By a year, 5 yrs, 20 yrs? What does it matter? And at which point do you know its not love for a platonic friend but something much much more?
And does gender really matter? When it boils down to love, does it really matter whether its a guy or a gal? Does it really matter that sometimes, people don't conform to society's expectation? Take for example, a 20 plus year old person dating a 60 yr old man. Would that conform to society's expectation? Age gap too wide? Not natural? Then how about a girl-girl or boy-boy relationship? Lack of any age gap, but still equally unacceptable by society's standards. Now what would be acceptable? And when it boils down to it all, can a person really separate all the feelings into categories or friend, lover, potential marriage partner, buddy, just girl friend, just boy friend, stead boyfriend, steady girlfriend, and the endless other streams of categories they have in this time and age.
Forgive me for being naive here, but isn't it all just too complicated to make of this one simple feeling and process? I mean after all, isn't love just meant to be love? Companionship with a person. Being totally comfortable, being your true self with no fear of judgement? Endless conversations, or just comfortable silence? Just hanging out and chilling out and spending time together not worrying about anything, or worrying about things together? Then how is this different from being a best friend to someone? How is this different from secondary school where our best friends were the people who offered us companionship after school and at home via the phone, through endless conversations, or even just hanging on to the phone and not talking with comfortable silence? And one can screw up one's life totally and not have any fear of repercussions of a best friend judging you, or looking at you with tinted glasses from that day forth.
You know, this isn't easy for me. I've struggled with it for so many years now, and the age old question still bothers me. Maybe it doesn't bother me. Maybe over the years, i've never quite changed my stance about love. I still believe that all you have to do is to be comfortable and happy. And it really didn't matter who you were dating and who you were comfortable with and not comfortable with. But then how do you know its not a crush and that it is really love?

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The clock cannot be turned back

It funny how i like to sit and ponder and wonder how it would be if i could turn back time. But the truth of the matter is that i can't. And i can only make the best of the present.
I thought about our friendship and how it had developed over the last few years. Or rather, how it has degenerated. And i was glad we had the talk that we did in the car. But over the last few weeks, somethng dawned on me. And maybe it was your unique way of teaching me a lesson or rather your unique way of showing me somethng. I realised only just how futile was my attempts to change TG's impression of me.
Maybe it was just like you. You could never change your impression of me, as when i first knew you, i was still a girl in her teens. And i wanted so much to share whatever it was that i had with you. I wanted to share your life, your ideals, and for us to have our own companionship. But i guess you were against it so much then. And i was so confused by your actions. It took me 10 years to get an answer. And i'm glad i did. For your answer has led me to realise just how difficult it would be for TG and i to ever get together.
You showed me that ideals and ideas do change over the years. But the fact is, i was always the impatient one and had no time to wait for you to change your mind about the relationship that we were having. More importantly, at that point of time, i was merely a student to you. And i could never hope for my status to be elevated to that of a friend, or a partner. And the clock ticked, and time went by. I was in college by then. I still did all i could within my means to make you happy coz u were the most important person to me then. And yet, there was one bridge that i could not cross. And finally, i found someone else to replace the affections.
Time has been cruel to us. Or maybe, it was just the fact that we were both proud creatures, unwilling to be the first to make a move or compromise. And our friendship became water under the bridge. But i knew how much it hurt me. And never did i realise how much it hurt u. And when we finally talked, i realise just how much hurt one can cause to the person that we treasure so much.
I'm glad we're friends all over again. Sharing something that is so precious and beautiful. But the truth is we can never turn back the clock. And maybe with this regard, i will meet future challenges. And also i will know that TG and i were never meant to be in the first place. I would know that all we had was a dream of one person who loved dearly. And the other person was merely trying it out. Obviously not hard enough. But then again, maybe it was the wrong time. And for that, i can only wish that at some point of time, it would be the right time with the right person. For now, i am truly thankful for that one more chance to work things out between us. I really really love you lots.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The world seems rite again

Ever felt like sometimes all it takes is something in your life to be right and everything feels right in the world again? Well, today is one of those days. For the longest of time, i wanted to sort out our relationship. Or rather our friendship. I wanted to know the real reason why we drifted apart. Was it cos i didn't meet the expectations? Was it coz somehow, i failed? Or was it coz all the while, i was just a selfish brat.
Today, i found out the answer. It was kinda a silly scene. We both sat in the car, and i really am not sure who teared first. But the first tear came rolling down, and the dams opened. It was like i was 17 all over again. It was cute at the least, we trashed things out. And finally, i really believe we can be as close as we once were. I know for a fact that we'll never be right for each other. Only because we don't have that feel between us. And yet, all it takes for me to know that the world is right again is that no matter what happens, i have our friendship to hold on to.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

"I must be strong"

"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.


What I Like About Being a Eight
being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight
overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often
are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked
take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents
are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The good side and the bad side

Is it a sad fact of life that people in general only remember the bad things that you do and fail to notice the 10 million other good things that you do for them? Is that how humankind is? That you can do 9 good deeds, screw up once and they only remember you for that one bad deed that you did.

Some day, my grave is going to read, here lies the one that did no good and was bad in every sense.

Today, i realise that life is kinda sad. That people aren't what they seem. And friendships don't last a lifetime. Too many hard lessons to learn in a day. But all in all, better late then never. Maybe finally, i out grew peter pan and tinkerbell. Maybe finally, i'm beginning to realise that it takes more then a dream and a fantasy to make things happen. And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to finally get the hang of, it takes two hands to clap, and that when you are both truly in love, then you will find that both parties are fair and not demanding.

And maybe, just maybe, i'm beginning to realise that i'll always be the bad one as long as the person doesn't choose to see the good in me. And that at the end of the day, whatever shit hits the fan, life still goes on, hours still pass and the minute hand doesn't stop. Herein lies the death of one silly monkey

Saturday, March 11, 2006

What is the value of friendship?

I've not been bloggin for some time. Maybe its coz i've been terribly busy. Or maybe it's merely that i don't really have the mood to blog. Or maybe its just one of those trasitional stages of my life where i find that there is nothing new to update or nothing interesting to write about.

I just got back from Hong Kong a week ago. It was fun on the whole. I mean which free trip isn't fun. But i guess i didn't do as much this time round as i would have liked to. It didn't feel really as fantastic as my last trip back up. Maybe because this time round, both cousins are attached and we only managed to meet up to party once before i left. Or maybe things between TG and myself felt more dull this time round. I bunked over at his hotel for two nights. Before i go into the nitty gritty details, i must say that the Four Seasons Place has a fantastic view. I guess that's why it costs so much just to stay for a night.



Anyway, we did spend some time chatting and catching up. And although sex wasn't as good as it could have been, i guess its partially due to me. I wasn't quite in a mood to do anything. Maybe just cuddling and sleeping would have been perfect. But i realise that we're not a couple, and therefore, the above just doesn't feel right anymore. It was kinda sad. Sometimes i feel, between us, there is just too many words that are unsaid. And yet at times, its the one question too many scenario. And maybe its the internal battle that i feel i am constantly fighting.. That i feel all weird.

Being with him is special. And yet, i guess that gap between us is just too wide. Its like trying to put a jew and Hitler together. I guess that's the best analogy i can come up with. And its sad. Things just aren't working out as they should be.

There are some promises that one makes to oneself. And it takes a lot to keep to them. And try as i might, i cannot seem to do it. I guess someone would tell me, coz u are only trying and u are not making it a must.

Today, i tot of something, just what is the value of friendship? Can 2 friends sleep with each other, walk away and still be friends? Many a times, i think of my relationship with the people around me and i get reminded of Carrie in Sex in the City. Like Carrie, i seem to be perpetually poor and although i seem to be outspoken and intelligent on the outside with great views, and people want to hang out with me, my relationship with friends and men aren't all that great.

Thinking about TG and myself, i get reminded of Carrie and Mr Big. There is so many similarities, and yet at the same time, i guess it's not the same. Do friends really stay angry with each other? And do they really get upset over petty issues? Sometimes, i find that it is hard to understand a person. Just what does a person want? If it was a normal friend, i'll say fuck it and move on. But when it is someone that i treasure a lot, how then can u say fuck it? And exactly how long is the cooling off period where you do not talk to each other? And how long before you can call and pretend nothing happened? And how long before the other party caves and gives in and you are friends all over again. Sometimes, i miss being young again. Where friendship was as simple as just sharing a drink or hanging out together after school. Did we really stay angry with our friends for long back then?

As i ponder about the value of a particular friendship, i turn my thoughts to just how far does a friend go to ensure that the friendship is smooth sailing? And at the same time, is someone who chooses to ignore me, actually worth my friendship and all that trouble? Am i merely a fair weathered friend, or is my friend the one who is fair weathered? So many questions, so many sides to a once so simple ideal. Have i finally lost it?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What does he really want?

OK. You would have thought that now that we have called it quits i would not be talking about him any longer. Alas, that is not the case.
He caused quite a stir in my otherwise uneventful day. You see, the thing is, i dropped him a friendly sms last night and this morning. Nothing pressurizing i hope. At least not to me. And the reply i got was, one of the few times he asked me a question without me posting him one first. And so i called him to tell him where i was going to stay this time round when i went up to HK. And i would be lying if i said that was all my intention. I wanted desperately to hear his voice since our last meeting where things didn't end quite so well.
And he did something rather out of the blue. In all the time that i've known him, he's never given me a detailed breakdown of his schedule. And this morning, he rattled off, telling me his appointments and exactly which part of HK he would be at. And he asked the question that i tot he would never ask. Why not fly up early to spend the weekend with me. Oh how i wished i was able to. How i wish when i had called the tour agency earlier, the agent would have told me that he would do it for me. And yet, i guess it must be the will of GOD that the guy wouldn't let me change my ticket unless two of us fly up.
And being in a mood of sheer confusion, i did get rather upset. Of course, i guess if i think hard about it, if he had really wanted to see me so badly, then he would have offered to buy me a ticket up. Then again, i guess it's one of those, well, since you are going up, and i'm bored, let;s meet up.
Of course i was torn by this mixed feeling of joy for him bringing it up versus, does he really mean it. I'm so confused. What does he really want?
I smsed him back to say i couldn't change the ticket. And he didn't bother replying. I guess it's just as well. Rather then go there and be disappointed, at least here, in the midst of a training, i am surrounded by supporting and understanding friends. Anyway, i told him i would be available on the 28th and 1st. And i did leave the onus on him to call or sms me on the 28th to tell me exactly when he would be available just so we could meet up. And i guess i;ll rather not expect too much coz i'm worried that at the end of it all, he would tell me he is unable to meet me up in HK. Funny how i felt this same way just a couple of months back when we first went up to HK together. And now, this same feeling is happening all over again.
Well, one thing's for sure. I'm not going to be so proactive. Coz i really have no idea what goes on in that complex mind of his. And i don't want to bring my hopes up. And i'm not sure if i am back up entertainment or do i really mean something to him. I'm not sure if meeting him this time is coz we already planned it before wednesday nite. I'm not sure that now the dynamics of our relationship has changed, would we still be going on a trip together in March like he promised. There are so many uncertainties. And for once, i can only truly say i can take one step at a time. I know that choices have consequences. And i choose to let him lead and i'll follow in the dance until one day when i find that he is no longer dancing and leading would i switch partners. For now, he is still the one i want to dance with.....

Sunday, February 19, 2006

My voice

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Just got home. Much to say. Didn't know how to say it. I'm actually much better with writing. So bear with it. You asked many questions and made many points just now. And i wanted to tell you how i felt. But, i guess by that point, i was already rather emotional.
First you asked me why i buy you cards and write when i can just email? Well i guess cards has a visual effect. And it involves more then just picking it off the shelf. I actually go to several shops, read the cards and pick one that best describes the message i want to convey. Anyway, i always thought it was rather sweet.
You made several points when we were sitting in your car. And here are some things i truly felt. If you had said, alright, i just have to time to pick up the cards and run, i would have done that. Sometimes, when i get something for someone special, i tend to get more excited and it's always nice to give a present. I tried sending you a present to your office before and i could tell you weren't too happy about it. And since i didn't have your home mailing address, it wasn't possible to send it to your home. But i admit. It is my excitedness and the fact that i wanted to surprise you that made me even more determined to give the cards to you.
As for what you feel about us, i guess and strongly believe on my side, it would have occurred whether or not we slept with each other. Before i slept with you, i think i was already crazy about you. This feeling didn't grow with sex. It grew with knowing you more and appreciating and loving everything you are, stand for. The good and the bad.
I was upset coz you said and talk about not wanting me to feel rejected after talking about us sleeping together. Maybe you didn't mean it as in you slept with me coz u didn't want to reject me. But i guess the context of all that you said, made me feel that way. Especially after that when you mention that there is no need to tell the truth and that one should be subtle.
I won't deny that i wasn't hurt. And the fact is that i was. Coz i'm still a rather proud person by nature. And the first thought that came into my mind was that you slept with me coz u pity me. And i don't need that. Although up till this point, i will still say i enjoyed every moment of it, i would have rather you said no, you weren't interested. But what's done is done. So, no point crying over spilt milk. THat's why i asjed what could be done from now...
When all is said and done, i seriously want to apologize and say sorry for all the added stress and pressure some of my actions have caused you. Know that i genuinely never meant any harm and it was really unintentional. I feel bad coz i know that i've truly taken away lots of your precious time. And instead of making you feel good, i've caused you undue unhappiness.
Maybe it's my style, or maybe i've truly been demanding without realising it. Or maybe it's just how you view me. WHatever it is, it didn't makke you feel good. And for all that and all the other things i might have done, i'm really, really sorry. Thanks for all your time really. Know that i appreciate every moment of it and i truly appreciate every bit of you!
Love is blind! I fell in love with you some time back . And that's why i kept your sms. That's why i sms and try to talk to you constantly. Coz i truly care and want to know all is fine. But apparently it's doing more harm then good. Maybe it's my actions that is making you feel uncomfortable. I'll keep it in check. I know the truth usually hurts. But i'm not really good at catching subtle hints. So if there's anything else that i'm doing that's irritating and bugging you, feel free to tell me.
Cheers

Full Circle

I have not been posting for a while now. I guess in my own way, i was trying to deal with my own feelings. I first started this blog coz i was extremely upset about Cow. It was during Valentine's day last year where we ended things. Not really ended. In fact, it was when problems arose and he disappeared on me.
I didn't take a long time to get over Cow coz in his own way, he was not the nicest of people. And along came Tour Guide, who mesmerised me with his words, his charm and his personality. And quickly, i got over the heartache of Cow being such a disappointment.
A day after Valentine's Day this year, TG and i had a talk. He had touched down in Singapore and smsed to say he could meet up. The talk we had was painful. Few days after we talked, i'm still thinking about how much of it is true. And just how much of it was meant to illustrate a point.
TG has been a special person in my life for some time now. Close to a year? And i guess in my own way, i adored him lots. In fact, i adore TG to the extent that i used to adore Guardian. And thus, there was no anger, no hatred. Merely a pain and hurt that i cannot describe. When Cow and i ended things, i was pissed off. Angry with him for being the way he was. For being so irresponsible. But with TG, i cannot find fault with him. Only that i knew this was to come with time. He would never have been happy with me.
We belong to 2 vastly different worlds and he has got very fixed views about woman. Views that he has acquired over the years and i am unable to change. I do not know if i have overstepped the boundaries. Neither do i know if it was pity that he gave in to me in the first place. But i do know that if there was even an inkling of pity involved, i would rather not have started anything. For some reason, i feel like i've come full circle.
In my heart, TG is still as special and important. Just like in my heart, Guardian will always reside. And i am uncertain just where the next road will take me....

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Just another day

His flight is at 8am. Pickup time is probably at 6am. That was the last i heard during our phone conversation. How tough can it be to be flying from one point of the world to another. Moments spent on the plane. Too short for sleep. Too long to be tired.
Could hear the tiredness draining from his voice. From the sounds that resonate over the telephone line, i could tell that he was so extremely tired. And i guess in the simplicity of things, i'm not sure if he could tell that sometimes, i drop him an sms or call merely in hopes of brightening up his day, or adding some warmth to his mundane routine of doing things.
So, i smsed him to say, well, here's a hug to brighten up your day and hope you feel more energised. I guess he didn't catch it. This in itself makes me think. Sometimes, people have the most positive intentions. However, unless you can understand the intention behind it, you will never be able to fully appreciate the person.
Somehow, i got the feeling that he was irritated with my sms. That i was disrupting a pattern in his work and his everyday life. That i was taking time away from his busy and hectic schedule. And all i wanted was merely to give him a hug, to cuddle him and to tell him that i understood that he was really busy.
Then again, in my model of the world, someone hugging me is perceived as a nice gesture. Maybe for him, it is merely me demanding more of his limited time.

Symbol


Rewind: A picture of fire. Burning, touching lifes around. Fire gives you warmth, gives you light. Fire moves from one to the other. It spreads on and on. The minute it touches another object, it gains from it the fuel to contiune burning.
Play: Water poured over the fire. Burning embers. Smouldering fire.
Fast Forward: The fire building up and burning strongly once again. Touching lives, giving warmth. It is stronger then before. No water can douse it.

Is the fire dying or is it merely starting?

Fun and freedom. Is that what a fire symbolises?

In ancient times, the person who controls the fire is the person who has the power. Where then does this lead us? I view fire as something that is deadly and yet we need it. Fire can rage on when you have no control over it. At the same time, when you have control over it, it can become a tool for one to make use of.
I guess many things in life are similar to the concept of fire. Does one choose to be the slave of something or the master of it?


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Self Delusions

For the greater part of the month, last month and this month, i have been denying a part of me that is there. And tonight's incident made me realise just how much he meant to me. For a while now, i've been keeping my cool, getting along with life, doing my job and just wanting to be the best person i can be. And i told myself that i would not get tangled up in a series of complicated relationship that i had no control over.
Tonight, when i saw him, i played the cool, calm, collected girl. No one present would have been able to tell that i once had a huge crush on him. No one present would have suspected for one second that i was interested in him. And as we parted, i wished him a very Happy Chinese New Year, and thanked him properly for the ang bao that he gave me.
It would all have passed over if not for the fact that the group of us sitting at down after he had left had nothing better to do then to compare ang baos. The amount given out were different. And that didn't bug me. After all, i was not really expecting an ang bao at all. So an ang bao came as a bonus. So, i headed out to smoke with some girlfriends and we got to talking about him as a person. It was not really any newsworthy topic, merely one friend saying he makes a good friend, and i chimed in. The 3rd girl met him for the first time today. Somehow, talking about him made me sort of think of him.
And so i decided to drop him a call to see if he was already home, or driving home. He sounded extremely tired and yet, i was mildly touched when he commented that he actually found the souvenir that i had earlier asked for. And he said he had something to do and would call me back. And i left the conversation, going back to join the rest for another round of drinks.
It was at the point of him smsing me that i realised just how much he meant to me. He smsed to say that he was extremely tired and did not know how to drive back home. And that he was taking a rest. And with that i got worried. I told him i would send him home. And he said it was alright. He would feel better after resting a while. And i added this one line that was so out of character for me all this while. I told him i missed him lots. And then i smsed him to ask about how come different people got different amounts for ang bao. And he didn't reply back for close to 45 mins. And finally, i did something so out of charcter with him. I smsed him to call or sms when he got home coz i was worried about him.
If you're wondering, he did call. Only to share with me that he was upset and hurt about what took place. It scared me and i pondered about it for a long time, knowing i said what i did as a joke. And yet, here i hurt this man that of late, i have grown to care so much about and love, that it felt terrible. I offered to make it up to him, telling him time and again i was sorry and asking him how i could make it up and make him feel better. After close to 20 mins of pacifying him, i think he cooled down.
I guess at that point of time, when he was losing his cool and he really did sound upset on top of sounding tired, i felt really lousy. I realised just how much this one man had come to mean to me. And i guess, all that shadow boxing was pointless. Because, somehow, somewhere, this man has crept into the night and i had given him my heart.
The situation finally lightened when we talk about ourselves. It was comforting for a short while. And i guess it's no point deluding myself anymore. The answer is plain and i merely pretend that i'm still searching.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Something special

All my life, i've never been a great conversationalist. And frankly speaking, i hate chinese new year coz i hate people asking me what i'm doing, when i'm going to get married, how come i never bring my boyfriend along and the endless questions that comes with new years. So for a long time now, i guess i haven't really opened my eyes, my ears and my heart to all the beautiful things there were around me.
This year, new year was a lot more special. There were more places to visit, more people who asked me to mit up with them, and for once, i obliged. And it turned out alright. In fact, i would say, i enjoyed being in the company of familiar old faces and i guess this year, i retreated to seek solace from these faces that have seen me grown up and old.
I've made it a point to start with one of my fewer resolutions and it has stuck on till today. Let's see how long i'll keep it up, but one step at a time gets me closer to the goal i have in mind. And for that, i think its beautiful, and special.

Monday, January 30, 2006

The tragedy of life is not death rather, it is what we allow to die within us while we live

"i felt as though i'd turned around to look in a different direction, so that i no longer faced backward towards the past, but forward toward the future. And now the question confronting me was this: What would that future be?"


"Adversity is like a strong wind. I don't mean just that i holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be town, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be."

"Focusing on what isn't there. What if i came to the end of my life and realized that i'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize i'd never really tastes the things i'd eaten, or seen the places i'd been, because i'd thought of nothing but TG even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if i drew my thoughts back from him, what life would i have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give."

"Waiting patiently doesn't suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about-- the tiny hole through the rood of the bottom of a box. There's no doubt it's the most versatile of the five elements. It can wash away earth; it can put out fire; it can wear a peiece of metal down and sweep it away. Even wood, which is its natural complement, can't survive without being nurtured by water."




Reunion Dinner

I felt completely detached from my own being today. I felt like i had stepped into another world, where i was another person. Maybe it was confirmation over confirmation that made me feel like i was a better person all over again. Maybe it was being in familiar company that i realized how much of the past i wanted back. Maybe it was being in that time and place where i realized how much further i had taken myself away from my dreams after just one wrong turn.
And as i felt all these feelings engulf me, i think back of the show i had watched last night. Huo Yan Jia. Fearless. As a young child, he was competitive and craved for glory and titles. But just how much do these things mean and just what is the value of it all? He finally crashed and burnt. And was aimless and wandering for a period of time before he came to his senses.
For all the flaws that i see in myself, i begin to realize just how much i have been focusing on the flaws. For a period of time, all i wanted to do was to see the world through another person. And now, i know i am ready to step back into my life and live it the way it should have. Because i've begin to understand that as much as i want to walk the life of that someone, i cannot do it. For in walking that person's life, i was never as truly happy as when i chose my own path and walked my own life. And be in touch with that person that i walked away from many many years ago.
Somehow, tonight's dinner brought out many thoughts and feelings. Some of which i have yet to comprehend. But for all the good and bad things that came out of it, i guess it was this statement that rang true. "Since young, you have the hardest character among all the younger generation. You were the toughest kid being the most street smart. And you always chose your own directions and paths and always succeeded. No one can change your mind for you were always the hard one. What you choose to do for the rest of your life, begins today."
And as i read the bookmark that star gave me 6 months back, i finally understood what he meant. That today is the first day of my life for the rest of my life. Thanks... It all seems crystal clear now!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Chinese New Year

Lost a fortune today. My little fortune. Nothing much to write. Just wondering why i seem to be pissing TG off so often nowadays. Have i changed or has he changed? Or have our expectations of each other changed? Or is he just irritable?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Mixed feelings

Met TG tonight for dinner after two weeks to be exact. Exactly 14 days. Dinner went as well as expected. I guess what i didn't expect was my feelings for him. I've been in love with this man for such a long time that i'm puzzled and curious as well. But then again, i guess i've always been someone who has been really faithful and loyal. I won't even think of being with someone else as long as there is a glimmer of hope that one day we'll both live happily ever after. And i guess that was what bugged me more then anything today.
He shared with me his hectic schedule and somehow, i could see he was more relaxed then usual today. Maybe coz he has just finished a big show in philippines and Chinese new year was around the corner. And he was going away for such a long break. And maybe coz i was being pleasantly nice today, not throwing any little girl tantrums coz i had more on my mind then i usually had. And for whatever reasons, i guess dinner went by without any major events. And yet, a question pops into my head. Must all dinners be a result of him talking, me listening and agreeing for it to be uneventful?
Dinner ended. I was glad we were both heading home. I walked him to his car as usual. Sometimes, i wonder if he even thinks that it's sort of weird for a girl to walk the guy to his car. And yet, it is in that walk, that few precious moments where there is a physical contact of sorts be it a kiss, a hug, or just walking together hand in hand, or arm across each other that makes walking him to his car all worth while. And for someone that i see every 14-20 days once, these little moments are even more precious.
I didn't want to get into the car. I didn't want to go down the carpark which went round and round coz i dread it. I didn't want to sit in the car and have nothing to say. I didn't want to have to ask for a hug or kiss at the end. I didn't want to ask when i would see him again. I didn't want to ask if he still remembered that he promised me a trip in march when he was less busy. But seems too busy now to take a trip in march. For all the things that i didn't want, i steped into the car coz he asked. And it takes great power to reject something he asked coz of how i felt abt him.
In the car, for some peculiar reason, he stretched his hand over me and tickled my ears. I liked that. In any normal event, i would have reached over and placed my head on his shoulder. I like that. But the car going round and round the carpark, braking constantly, was too much for my head to bear. And so, i sat there, closed my eyes and didn't move. And then finally we reached level ground, and he asked where he should alight me. And i pointed up front and said, i'll get off here. And he pulled me over to kiss me. Somehow, for reasons that i cannot explain, even now, i turned my face away and offered him my cheek. And i said bye, happy chinese new year and got out of the car. Before he told me might join Superman and our group of friends for after dinner drinks tomorrow night.
The night didn't seem all that beautiful. And yet, beauty in simplicity. I wish sometimes i've never fallen for this worldly man, who seems to know too much, and yet, nothing seems to be able to touch his heart. And if i could take my eraser and wipe out the beautiful moments that i've ever shared with him, so that he will be no different from the next joe, i would. And for now, i lie trapped in his world, desperately asking for release, asking to have the power to walk away.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Good Energy

Went back to AKLTG today and left feeling rather charged up. I somehow see things in a different light. And i feel good about it. I'vc been asking myself for some time now why is it that i'm not good in sales. Is it coz i am no good with words? Is it coz i am too shy? Is it coz i'm .... And the list goes on.
But i guess the real reason is that i just don't feel good asking for sales. And of course not forgetting, i'm sometimes too paiseh to ask for it. For fear of losing a friendship or such... And then i realised something today. Guess its about looking at things in a different perspective. How about if i asked for it, and if the friend decides to say no to me, then i guess this person ain't too great a friend to start off with. I'm not saying that if the person refuses to buy anything from me. Coz i understand that sometimes, people just do not have the need or the means at that point of time. But what i'm saying is that it has to do with people taking things badly just coz i want to share. Coz if i genuinly want to share, then its really for their benefit.
I'm glad i finally feel this way. For a while now i've been stuck. Guess its a new way to look at things. So, from today onwards, i'm going to approach every person that i meet. Everyone that i meet will be a prospect. Grinz.
Will blog more later.. need to sleep

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Predictability in one who is unpredictable

Many years ago, i used to think, oh why is this man so unpredictable? I would spend hours agonising over the fact that he would one day be so in love with me, then suddenly not want my company at all. And that made me so confused and upset. Over the years, maybe i've come to accept the fact that he is just like that. What do i mean just like that? I guess it has to do with the concept of commitment and in a weird and even perverse way, he is preserving himself.
He smsed today out of the blue after telling me about 2 mths back that he thinks we should stop contacting each other for a while. And i guess over the years, i've more or less gotten used to him being around, then disappearing, and then reappearing. And this time round, it was no different. He asked to meet up and now with a sales job, its so much easier. And yet, i guess its GOD"s plan that we did not meet up. I had a meeting and i guess if i did not, i would have caved.
Today i thought about how unpredictable he always wanted to be. And yet, there is a pattern in it all. When he first shared that he wanted to cease contact for a while, at the back of my mind, i was thinking, oh.. here it comes again. And in about 3 mths time, he will suddenly feel like he needs to meet up and we'll go back to seeing each other for a couple of months before the urge hits him again. And there is such a strong pattern in it all. Today i asked myself just what is this pattern? What does it signify? What will it do to me and how do i interprete it?
I obviously didn't come up with any answers. And i guess some how, some time, some day, the answer will be staring me right in my face. And for that, i guess i will just have to be patient and ride it out. In the mean time, i wonder just what would i do the next time he calls?
I guess in my own way, i do wonder why i always hang out with men who are emotionally unavailable. Is it coz deep down inside, i too amd facing the same problem? And yet i know that i would truly like to be with someone who cares for me, dotes on me and someone whom i can share with not only on the emotional level but also on the intellectual level. Am i being too predictable too in being unpredictable? Sometimes, i guess when they say that you are your own worst enemy or best friend, i guess they had me in mind. Cheers

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

If i had it all


Damn! My baby broke down again today. Sighz. Sometimes i wish he didn't give me so much problems. And its times like this where i wonder if i could just give it up. I guess owning a bike is very much like being in a relationship. Please don't ask me how i come about to this conclusion. Ha.. Maybe something to do with riding my baby?
Alright. Have thought of a title for today's post. And its called if i could have it all. What would it be? Short term, medium term and long term. Shit, i sould like one of those Russians talking about their reform programs. Anyway, let's see.
1) Having a 100k in my bank
2) Having a 500k investment portfolio
3) Having a decent car to drive around when i do not feel like riding my baby
4) Having a library collection of books (about 500)
5) Having an MP3 player that works
6) Having a desktop in my room with internet connection
7) Having a digital camera of my very own
8) Having a plasma tv in my room complete with a surround sound system
and DVD/VCD player
9) Having a queen size bed so all my softoys can sleep with me
10) Having a comforter that i've always wanted to snuggle into at night
11) Revamping my room so that it looks like one of those IKEA showrooms
12) Having a healthy variety of clothes so i don't have to keep recycling clothes
on a 3 day basis
13) Buying my racer so i can finally start training proper for my triathlon
14) A complete set of Georg Jensen jewellery
15) A power suit from an unknown brand that i'm still looking for
16) My Braun Buffel handbag and document bag

Alright. Those are the material things i want in the short term. Now lets go for the medium term stuff
17) Buying my own apartment. Preferably a condominum with an olympic size
swimming pool near the beach. Not too far away from town
18) Having 500k in savings and a million in investments
19) Being a director of a multinational company.
20) Wining, dining and living the life of the rich and famous
21) Winning my first international title that is not a team event
22) Adopting a couple of children from the third world countries and sponsoring
them

And finally for the long term goals
23) Finding a man who is my best friend and greatest companion
24) Get involved in politics

If i could only have one item in my list of 24, you know best what i'll trade it up for. Funny how i've never thought of the material aspects until i started typing this blog. I've thought of myself as someone who is not really materialistic. I guess at the end of the day, i also want the things that give me status and power and also be rich. So, the next question for the next blog would be what exactly are my values? Am i seeking fame and wealth in all the wrong places? Or are my values in conflict with each other and therefore i am stuck where i am? Hmmm

Monday, January 16, 2006

Just being Oscar of Sesame Street


Its barely been two weeks into the new year and i already feel miserable. I guess its really how i choose to feel. And i guess at the same time, i keep telling myself that if i choose to feel otherwise, i'll be better. With the realisation that i'm going to turn 26 already, i feel overwhelmed by the things that i have yet to accomplish at this age. Let alone the lessons that i keep having to relearn time and again. And it is buggin me big time.
At times like this, i ponder and wonder is it that i am merely incompetent or is it that i'm lazy? Or do i have no goal? Or maybe worse still, no purpose in life. Or am i just someone who is forever negative and will never find happiness? I believe that these things are within and up to us to create. But it scares me that i'm not sure how i can go about creating these things.
For a while, i told myself if i woke up feeling happy and looking forward to the day, i would be fine. And then i told myself to keep the negative thoughts out, to keep focusing on the positive things in life and i would be happier, and things would be better. But somehow, i find that it takes a lot more energy and strength to focus on the bright side of life when i feel with each day that passes, there really isn't much to look forward to.
I guess this feeling hit me a couple of days back when TG and i met. Suddenly, i realised how empty this pursuit is. And coming from me, that was quite a shock. I realised that somehow, i was seeking happiness in being with him, when happiness should dwell from within me flowing out. And i ask myself, where is this happiness. How do i garner it without feeling close to miserable. I desperately want to get out of the rut. It takes little steps each time but yet, there is a feeling that with each single step i take, i seem to be sliding two steps back. And i find myself once again further and further away from my goals.
Its at times like this when i feel like giving up and i feel like i don't want to act happy anymore. I want to be the grouch. To shut myself up from the rest of the world. And then, i think, that's not really what i want. And i end up being more confused then ever.
When i lost Guardian, i felt my life go into shambles. But at least i seem like i remotely had a future then. But as i look into the crystal ball today, all i see is fog and mist. And i call out, and all i hear is the echo of my own voice. The little devil in my head is almost winning. And i'm fearful about what it can do and will do. In more ways then one, it was the devil who was always the stronger one. If not, we would all still be in the garden of Eden. The fact that we are not there means that either the devil is more powerful or he has got greater powers of deceit and manipulation. And it scares me. The angel is growing weaker by the minute. All i hear now is the devil's voice. And all i want is the angel to drown him out.....

My Views

As i see the world through my myopic vision, i tend to wonder about a lot of things. Someone once told me that we learnt all we had to at kindergarten. We just sort of forgot the lessons along the way and therefore, occassionally, we had to take refresher courses through the bumps and hardship we deem to currently face.
I think back of the time when i too was in kindergarten. And i guess if i thought real hard, i could paint up a rather rosy picture. Of course, i did take a lot to get me to go to school. Ha. I will never forget the caning i got just outside school as i refused to go to school. There was a time where i was a shy young thing who merely wanted to stay at home, didn't want to meet anyone. I guess i was just scared at the whole prospect of meeting new people. And yet, it was easily overcomed in time. I began to find things about school that i enjoyed and subsequently, had to be scolded to get home on time for dinner after school.
Then there were the persistance when i wanted something, the determination of never wanting to fail when i started something, and of course, wanting to be the best in everything i ever did.
Just what happened along the way? Did some alien take over my body and mind, or did i merely changed so drastically that all the things that i ever stood for no longer appealed to me?
At times, in the solitude of my room, i ask myself this question. When and at which point did i stop trying to achieve greatness in my own life. When did i stop focusing on working the challenge but rather choose to back down from it? When did i stop wanting to be the best. When just when?
Somewhere along the way, a little girl was lost, she grew up. And for the life of me, i think she became worse off then when she was 4. And i wonder and wonder, just what would it take to find that little girl back.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

It's a public holiday

Was a public holiday today. But didn't quite feel like it. Maybe it was coz i had lots to do. Going away later on in a couple of hours time. Don't ask me why i'm not sleeping. Guess i just really want to blog for a while.
Met TG for coffee today. Somehow, he always gives me the impression that giving me an hour of his time is something that i really should be appreciative about. Sometimes i wonder why i bother putting up with it. We were having coffee, when he looks at his watch and then goes, oh, its been an hour now. Better get going. Sighz. Why do i bother. Anyway, we chatted a little today. Didn't talk any about Superman's wedding or what happened that night. I guess it was a good thing. Somehow, i feel he smsed me to meet me today only to fulfil what he told me on Sunday nite. And actually he didn't really want coffee or sorts. Whatever.
But something he said made me realise a deep truth. He said if he had a sister, he would probably have killed her. Speaks volumes actually. And i don't know why. I still like him, but, i guess its the realization that we are worlds apart that lets it all sink in. I'm not even sure if anything will happen between us again. WIth him being so busy, and me having so many targets to hit. Feel like i'm in limbo... sighz

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Superman got married


What a tiring day. It was raining cats and dogs since morning and all i could think about was, what a gloomy day for a wedding. It turned out fine. Went to the bride's place early in the morning to help them out. Turned out that close to 20 brothers came up to pick up the bride. Had about 6 cars. And i guess in a way, it was pretty grand. Then did the usual stuff that people do in the morning before sending all the philippine friends back to the hotel and also for me to rush off for my meeting.
Headed back to the hotel after that to once again help out with whatever they needed help with before proceeding to witness their solemization. It was a touching moment for me once again. I guess somehow, being a romantic at heart, i love to watch people get married. It fulfills the criterion of my fairytale world. Anyway, went back upstairs to doll up after the short session of hearing two people that i've come to love say I DO.
Spent a fair amount of time dolling up. It did help that i had professionals doing my hair and makeup. Felt like i was a star last night as well. And i guess it was reassuring that everyone comment just how beautiful and ladylike i looked. And women never tire of hearing compliments. Saw TG finally at about 7.45pm. He wasnt all that late. And i guess i was pretty pleased when he said, wow, u look beautiful tonight. But that was all the good stuff for the rest of the night. From there, the night went downhill.
I was looking forward to sitting next to him during dinner. If not, why bother dressing up and dolling up and also putting in so much effort to impress? And well, as with all good things coming to an end, we sat across each other at the same table. He spent the night talking to everyone at the table except me. Yu Beng and i talked to each other, more so coz we were bored with the dinner conversation that was going on around us. For a celebrity, he was sure a nice guy to chat with. haha. Was freezing cold as well. I mean with what little i wore, plus the rain, plus the aircon. And when i told TG that i was cold, he turned to his friend and ask his friend to lend me his jacket. What a dork. Ended up borrowing a jacket from Lester. Damn.
And TG left straight after dinner, citing work and tiredness as his two reason. I did ask him why he chose not to seat next to me. And as usual, he had his own plethora of excuses, saying that he tot that sitting at the same table was all that mattered. And being the sweet mouth he was, he said, hey, no worries, lets meet up this week. Say Tuesday. And then he left.
I left coz i knew i would cry if i hung around any longer. TG messaged later to say he misunderstood me when i said sit together. And that there was no need for us to be so obvious. And at the same time, he said that maybe he missed my expectations. And i didn't feel good at all. So after that when i was more calm, i went back in to join the after dinner party. We drank and drank and drank. Didnt help that i was upset. So by close to 1, i was done with drinking, wanted my ciggies, but couldn't find them, so one of the best man accompanied me up to the room to pick up my pack, and that was the end of the night as far as i can remember. Haha
Woke up this morning with a major hangover, asleep on the couch and freezing. One of the guys later took a blanket and covered me. Real sweet of him. And when the rest of the drunk people woke up, i immediately hijacked a bed and slept till late afternoon. Still suffering from the effects of hangover while at dinner and meeting. Damn. Its been a while since i drank so much. Or maybe its just the mood.
Talked to TG a little on MSN today. And as usual, i feel like an idiot for being the way i was. I knew that the wedding was no place to discuss what happend, and it would have resulted in me being sad and crying. And i guess it wouldn't be nice if that happened. So, saved it for the evening when i saw him online. Now i finally understand what he meant by the fact that singaporeans are stupid sometimes as we do not know how to use words to aid us to avoid a confrontation, And it dawned on me just what he meant, i begin to wonder just what sort of friend has he been? Have all that he said been merely words> Words to pacify and words such that i would not stay pissed with hiM? Is he even a true friend?
Here's wishing the both of them the best. I really do love them like my sister and brother. And as i think how romantic it is, i question my own heart. Where is the line between realism and being romantic? Head vs heart. The ultimate question.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Where does compromise step in

Was having a discussion with a friend today. We both came from a party of sorts. There was a groom to be and a bride to be and many many overseas friends. This friend of mine didn't have dinner with us while the rest of us, overseas and local people consisting of Singaporeans, Koreans, Filipinos, China people all gathered to have dinner at this cafe.
As dinner came to a close, people started leaving and those that were proceeding to part 2 of the night stayed for a while more. The bride to be came over and joined a group of us to chat. So happens that most of those seated around me were going to be her "sisters" for the day. And as we discussed what we were going to do, we realised that much of the wedding plans were not set up yet. Now usually, i would brush it off, being a rather last minute person. However, it struck me as odd that the wedding was less then 48 hrs away and yet there is so much that is not done.
The bride to be was of course peeved by the groom to be. And so the stage looked set for another fight to break out. A neverending series of fights that have occurred throughout the whole preparation of their marriage. As friends of both the bride and groom, i empathise with the both of them. We have a playful groom, who thinks that everything can be settled with the bat of an eye, and we have a serious bride, who needs things planned to the most minute of details. How do two people with such vast personalities work things out?
When we finally proceeded to the venue for the party, tempers were once again rising. The bride to be took off home in a huff, her face was black and all around could tell that she was fuming. The groom carried on entertaining his friends, either oblivious to her exasperation or simply ignoring her. Now considering this same incident happened maybe a week ago, and again two weeks ago, and again three weeks ago, many of us were by now used to it. And some people pretended not to notice it, while some merely kept our mouths shut. When both parties are your friends, who do u speak up for? Whose side do you choose to stand on?
My friend and i finally got some down time after we left the party and chatted a little. It was obvious to the both of us that both the bride and the groom to be were stubborn and strong headed people with personalities to match. And it was even more scary that both parties choose not to compromise. And how then did they intend to work their marriage out? Why bother getting married in the first place? I have no wish to see them get divorced a yr, 2 yrs or 3 yrs down the road. Or must it take marriage before they learn the personalities of themself and learn to work around it?
Compromise is such a big word. And with big words come big actions. Exactly when do you stand firm for what you believe in and when do you learn to give in. And at which point is enough, really enough? These thoughts came to me today as i also shared with a girlfriend about the state of her relationship. Let's face it, i feel personally that almost all men cheat. There are a rare few that don't. And at the end of the day, are you willing to accept the fact that he still knows where is home and returns back home? Are you willing to accept the fact that he loves you still and is responsible for the house, yet feels a compelling need to go out and get a little variety once in a while?
Maybe i really am a xiaonuren at heart. Judging by my track record, i know i will be hurt if my bf or husband ever cheats on me. And yet, i know i will not choose to leave him unless i know there is no way we can salvage our realtionship. So when this friend shared with me his view, i guess the question to ask is WHY?
Then again, there are always two sides to a coin. If a guy loves and respect a girl or vice versa, then he/she would not cheat on their other half. And therefore, if there is loyalty and fidelity, then there is no need for the above arguement at all. And yet, in our not so perfect world, people often get tempted and as with the great saying, to err is human. Then what do you do about it?
As i watch with earnest as to this potential drama unfolding in front of me, i wonder and ponder about the many reasons why people cheat. And what exactly is the bottom line? When do you know thats it and when do you forgive a person and move on?
In conclusion to this discussion that my friend and i had, we both realised that all we can do as friends for this couple is to hope and pray that they will both realise their clash in personalities and learn to compromise, give and take and learn to respect one another. At the same time, as friends, we just have to be understanding and know they are doing their best, although of late, there have been comments as to not wanting to party with the couple coz of the staredowns. Oh well, what will happen will happen. Till i come up with more thoughts on this topic, cheerios