Sunday, February 19, 2006

My voice

Just got home. Much to say. Didn't know how to say it. I'm actually much better with writing. So bear with it. You asked many questions and made many points just now. And i wanted to tell you how i felt. But, i guess by that point, i was already rather emotional.
First you asked me why i buy you cards and write when i can just email? Well i guess cards has a visual effect. And it involves more then just picking it off the shelf. I actually go to several shops, read the cards and pick one that best describes the message i want to convey. Anyway, i always thought it was rather sweet.
You made several points when we were sitting in your car. And here are some things i truly felt. If you had said, alright, i just have to time to pick up the cards and run, i would have done that. Sometimes, when i get something for someone special, i tend to get more excited and it's always nice to give a present. I tried sending you a present to your office before and i could tell you weren't too happy about it. And since i didn't have your home mailing address, it wasn't possible to send it to your home. But i admit. It is my excitedness and the fact that i wanted to surprise you that made me even more determined to give the cards to you.
As for what you feel about us, i guess and strongly believe on my side, it would have occurred whether or not we slept with each other. Before i slept with you, i think i was already crazy about you. This feeling didn't grow with sex. It grew with knowing you more and appreciating and loving everything you are, stand for. The good and the bad.
I was upset coz you said and talk about not wanting me to feel rejected after talking about us sleeping together. Maybe you didn't mean it as in you slept with me coz u didn't want to reject me. But i guess the context of all that you said, made me feel that way. Especially after that when you mention that there is no need to tell the truth and that one should be subtle.
I won't deny that i wasn't hurt. And the fact is that i was. Coz i'm still a rather proud person by nature. And the first thought that came into my mind was that you slept with me coz u pity me. And i don't need that. Although up till this point, i will still say i enjoyed every moment of it, i would have rather you said no, you weren't interested. But what's done is done. So, no point crying over spilt milk. THat's why i asjed what could be done from now...
When all is said and done, i seriously want to apologize and say sorry for all the added stress and pressure some of my actions have caused you. Know that i genuinely never meant any harm and it was really unintentional. I feel bad coz i know that i've truly taken away lots of your precious time. And instead of making you feel good, i've caused you undue unhappiness.
Maybe it's my style, or maybe i've truly been demanding without realising it. Or maybe it's just how you view me. WHatever it is, it didn't makke you feel good. And for all that and all the other things i might have done, i'm really, really sorry. Thanks for all your time really. Know that i appreciate every moment of it and i truly appreciate every bit of you!
Love is blind! I fell in love with you some time back . And that's why i kept your sms. That's why i sms and try to talk to you constantly. Coz i truly care and want to know all is fine. But apparently it's doing more harm then good. Maybe it's my actions that is making you feel uncomfortable. I'll keep it in check. I know the truth usually hurts. But i'm not really good at catching subtle hints. So if there's anything else that i'm doing that's irritating and bugging you, feel free to tell me.

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