Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What does he really want?

OK. You would have thought that now that we have called it quits i would not be talking about him any longer. Alas, that is not the case.
He caused quite a stir in my otherwise uneventful day. You see, the thing is, i dropped him a friendly sms last night and this morning. Nothing pressurizing i hope. At least not to me. And the reply i got was, one of the few times he asked me a question without me posting him one first. And so i called him to tell him where i was going to stay this time round when i went up to HK. And i would be lying if i said that was all my intention. I wanted desperately to hear his voice since our last meeting where things didn't end quite so well.
And he did something rather out of the blue. In all the time that i've known him, he's never given me a detailed breakdown of his schedule. And this morning, he rattled off, telling me his appointments and exactly which part of HK he would be at. And he asked the question that i tot he would never ask. Why not fly up early to spend the weekend with me. Oh how i wished i was able to. How i wish when i had called the tour agency earlier, the agent would have told me that he would do it for me. And yet, i guess it must be the will of GOD that the guy wouldn't let me change my ticket unless two of us fly up.
And being in a mood of sheer confusion, i did get rather upset. Of course, i guess if i think hard about it, if he had really wanted to see me so badly, then he would have offered to buy me a ticket up. Then again, i guess it's one of those, well, since you are going up, and i'm bored, let;s meet up.
Of course i was torn by this mixed feeling of joy for him bringing it up versus, does he really mean it. I'm so confused. What does he really want?
I smsed him back to say i couldn't change the ticket. And he didn't bother replying. I guess it's just as well. Rather then go there and be disappointed, at least here, in the midst of a training, i am surrounded by supporting and understanding friends. Anyway, i told him i would be available on the 28th and 1st. And i did leave the onus on him to call or sms me on the 28th to tell me exactly when he would be available just so we could meet up. And i guess i;ll rather not expect too much coz i'm worried that at the end of it all, he would tell me he is unable to meet me up in HK. Funny how i felt this same way just a couple of months back when we first went up to HK together. And now, this same feeling is happening all over again.
Well, one thing's for sure. I'm not going to be so proactive. Coz i really have no idea what goes on in that complex mind of his. And i don't want to bring my hopes up. And i'm not sure if i am back up entertainment or do i really mean something to him. I'm not sure if meeting him this time is coz we already planned it before wednesday nite. I'm not sure that now the dynamics of our relationship has changed, would we still be going on a trip together in March like he promised. There are so many uncertainties. And for once, i can only truly say i can take one step at a time. I know that choices have consequences. And i choose to let him lead and i'll follow in the dance until one day when i find that he is no longer dancing and leading would i switch partners. For now, he is still the one i want to dance with.....

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