Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Self Delusions

For the greater part of the month, last month and this month, i have been denying a part of me that is there. And tonight's incident made me realise just how much he meant to me. For a while now, i've been keeping my cool, getting along with life, doing my job and just wanting to be the best person i can be. And i told myself that i would not get tangled up in a series of complicated relationship that i had no control over.
Tonight, when i saw him, i played the cool, calm, collected girl. No one present would have been able to tell that i once had a huge crush on him. No one present would have suspected for one second that i was interested in him. And as we parted, i wished him a very Happy Chinese New Year, and thanked him properly for the ang bao that he gave me.
It would all have passed over if not for the fact that the group of us sitting at down after he had left had nothing better to do then to compare ang baos. The amount given out were different. And that didn't bug me. After all, i was not really expecting an ang bao at all. So an ang bao came as a bonus. So, i headed out to smoke with some girlfriends and we got to talking about him as a person. It was not really any newsworthy topic, merely one friend saying he makes a good friend, and i chimed in. The 3rd girl met him for the first time today. Somehow, talking about him made me sort of think of him.
And so i decided to drop him a call to see if he was already home, or driving home. He sounded extremely tired and yet, i was mildly touched when he commented that he actually found the souvenir that i had earlier asked for. And he said he had something to do and would call me back. And i left the conversation, going back to join the rest for another round of drinks.
It was at the point of him smsing me that i realised just how much he meant to me. He smsed to say that he was extremely tired and did not know how to drive back home. And that he was taking a rest. And with that i got worried. I told him i would send him home. And he said it was alright. He would feel better after resting a while. And i added this one line that was so out of character for me all this while. I told him i missed him lots. And then i smsed him to ask about how come different people got different amounts for ang bao. And he didn't reply back for close to 45 mins. And finally, i did something so out of charcter with him. I smsed him to call or sms when he got home coz i was worried about him.
If you're wondering, he did call. Only to share with me that he was upset and hurt about what took place. It scared me and i pondered about it for a long time, knowing i said what i did as a joke. And yet, here i hurt this man that of late, i have grown to care so much about and love, that it felt terrible. I offered to make it up to him, telling him time and again i was sorry and asking him how i could make it up and make him feel better. After close to 20 mins of pacifying him, i think he cooled down.
I guess at that point of time, when he was losing his cool and he really did sound upset on top of sounding tired, i felt really lousy. I realised just how much this one man had come to mean to me. And i guess, all that shadow boxing was pointless. Because, somehow, somewhere, this man has crept into the night and i had given him my heart.
The situation finally lightened when we talk about ourselves. It was comforting for a short while. And i guess it's no point deluding myself anymore. The answer is plain and i merely pretend that i'm still searching.

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