Have i changed?

If you're mad with someone , and nobody's there to fix the situation... You
fix it . Maybe today, that person still wants to be your friend .
And if u don't, tomorrow can be too late .
(Shouldn’t friendship last a lifetime? If the person chooses to discontinue the friendship because of a quarrel, isn’t the person not worth being friends with? At the same time, friendship takes two hands to clap. If your friend values the friendship, the person is bound to approach you now if not at a later date when your friend is ready.)

If you're in love with somebody , but that person doesn't know...
tell her/him. Maybe today, that person is also in love with you .
And if you don't say it, tomorrow can be too late .
(If you are in love with someone, you want to tell the person only if you are certain that person will reciprocate that love. If not, you might lose a close friend/buddy in the process of telling the person that you are in love with them.)

If you really want to kiss somebody... kiss her/him. Maybe that person wants
a kiss from you, too . And if you don't kiss her/him today, tomorrow can be
too late .
(You can always kiss your friends can’t you? A peck on the cheek to tell them they are special and that you value them in your life. But a deep passionate kiss? What’s stopping them for screaming bloody molest or for them to stop going out with you as they do not return that affection?)

If you still love a person that you think has forgotten you...
tell her/him. Maybe that person have always loved you. And if you don't tell
her/him today , tomorrow can be too late.
(Love comes in many forms do you not agree? If a person you love has forgotten about you, then the person you love might be leading a life happier without you. IF you really love a person, set the person free.. And if you love the person, you will be happy just seeing the person lead his/her life to the fullest. Maybe its time for you to move on as well?)

If you need a hug of a friend... ask her/him for it. Maybe they need it more
than you do. And if you don't ask for it today, tomorrow can be too late.
(Hugs and friendship are synonymous. There is no need to ask.. I think.. hugs are spontaneous as well. And tomorrow is never too late for a hug.. Hugs are a every day thing..)

If you really have friends who you appreciate... tell them. Maybe they
appreciate you as well. That if you don't and they leave or go far away
today , tomorrow can be too late.
(Finally, one that I agree with. Friends are family that you choose on your own. Thanks for being a friend)

If you love your parents, and never had the chance to show them... do it
.Maybe you have them there to show them how you feel. That if you don't and
they leave today , then tomorrow can be too late.
(Grinz. Two that I totally agree with, yup. Love your parents and show them you care. They are aging, and after all, you are here today coz of them.)

Above is a email that Tour guide sent me. And the green portions are my replies to him. My friends tell me i'm crazy to reply to a forwarded mail. Maybe that will deter him from sending me future emails. But, the email really affected me for days. I really couldn't accept the things that were said in it. You might say that's weird. Last time, i would swoon over the email and say.. oh how sweet, how beautiful. But now, all i can say its a load of crap that is used to con people into beliving that life is beautiful... Is life beautiful? Is it? Has life changed or has my perspectives changed?
Anyway, tour guide did not meet me at all and he has flown off yesterday morning. Meaning Tuesday morning. I have no inkling of an idea when he will be back. Maybe that is good also. If i don't know, i would never have to call or sms him. A good guage would be when he replies my disturbing email. Or he could think that i'm crazy and not reply. Oh well, you know, i really have a mix of feelings as to how i feel about him.
I met mad driver again. Its been almost 6 mths since i last met him. He's life has changed for him as well. But, i also don't know what he wants. But i know the hug was still the best. The only good thing was that this time round, the hug did not evoke my strongest emotions. I was emotionaless. Could it be that i have changed? Could it be that my heart has turned cold? Its not such a bad thing for the heart to turn cold is it? Remember the time when you were 11 and the heart was cold. At least i was strong like a pillar then. Goodness. Have i become a cynic? Do i want to?
My friends around me say i have changed. That i have become aloof. But, i tell them, i only want to concentrate on making money now. I don't mind chilling out or hanging out with a group of friends. But i don't want to be reliant on anyone. I want to be the ice princess once again. Superman called last night. He sounded so tired. I feel sad for him, but yet at the same time, i know i cannot do anything for him as he is too proud to ask. But i do know something. Ever since he has returned from his trip and all that has happened happened, i have stopped relying on him as much as before. I have stopped throwing my silly girl tantrums and i have stopped pestering him with my problems. He has his own set of problems. Is that good? I guess. Its time to be independent all over agian.
I'm not even sure if i'm saying all this because i'm not even sure what i want in life. Mad Driver said that in the time he has known me, i am a project based person. That's why i can never find my ultimate goal. As i am forever doing one project, going to the next. I've finally turned 25. Isn't it time that i've come to a decision as to what i want to do and establish my goals because of it? This takes thinking. But i'm not sure what i want to do. SIghz....
Life grows more complicated as you grow older. I know i have changed gradually from the tempremental young girl, to someone who is now hopefully more matured and thinks before i plunge into the deep blue sea. Till the next time.. cheers

A little bit of revelation

It was a typical thursday night. I wanted to go to my usual hangout. I mean i have not been there for like 2 months. It was interesting as i thought i would not only get to see superman but also our mr tour guide who seems too busy to meet up and go out with me but is always ready to call superman out. Maybe they do share a certain friendship that i am non-privy to? I'm not sure really. But it makes me sad. Anyway, saw a rather cute character standing behind robbin leong. A certain Mr Jimmy Tee if i am not wrong. Superman said he would introduce.
Finally, after eons, MR JT finally walked over with MR RL. And Superman did in fact introduce, we shook hands before they said that they were gg to leave. And so they did. And that was when my usually quite sensitive brother asked why i looked so glum.. then superman decided to shoot his mouth off. Or maybe he felt it was time to give me another of his timely and worldly advice which was in fact not timely and for once, maybe worldly but definately not appropriate at that time.
Superman: why you look so glum?
Me: Nothing lah...
Superman: Not that i never introduce the nice men to you. Just that you fail to capture their hearts becoz you are not in their league. Anyway, JT is a v nice guy.
Me: That's what you said about tour guide too
Superman: Yeah. But you also cannot win his heart. But when Cow was crazy about you, you din't appreciate it. In the end break up liaoz then you regret. Why did you break up with Cow? I'm not trying to undermine you. Just that you should know where you stand. (Wow.. words of wisdom??)
Me: Hello.. i didn't beak up with COW. He dumped me ya?
Superman: So why you look so glum. My dad's dying in 3 mths time and i look happier then you do......
Alright... So, what have i gathered from the above conversation? The same things that i have told Tour guide about the last time. We both live in different worlds and we both have different expectations in life. Plus, we are of different classes... If that is still prevalent in today's society, then i fall into the peasant class while he is that of aristocracy.
Anyway, when all that is said, i went on to sulk and be grumpy before leaving the once so beautiful place. And then i sms Superman to say that if he treats me like a sister to not bring up COW in our conversations ever again. You do know why right? But i can't fault him coz i can't tell him why. Or can i? He never asked.. and so i don't know how to say. And yet, it pains me beyond words and description.
Friday: sent an email to tour guide the day before. He has finally replied in his cool and collected manner.. as usual. One of the traits that i am attracted to him by. Anyway, i sms him despite my greater knowledge not to to ask him out for dinner. His reply was dinner function, later can? And mine was, can, you call me lah. And would you be surprised to know that he didn't call or sms. I finally dropped him another sms at night saying that, "hope your dinner function went well. Thanks for replying to the email. I've read it and understand the points put across. Sorry if i've been demanding too much of your time. " What else could i reply? He didn't even bother to reply as usual. Anyway, i've returned his email with words on my own. It is really difficult to like someone who doesn't return that liking. And finally, i am at Saturday morning.
Me, myself and i doing my own reflections as to what has happened and also as to what i should do with the rest of my pathetic life and my not so worthy life. I mean, am i really that bad a person? Besides the fact that i have no outward beauty, my inner beauty shines through. DOes it not? And besides the fact that i don't have a beautiful figure, surely my efforts at working towards it is important. Is it not? Why am i rationalizing what kind of person i am? I know for a fact that i am alright. Maybe i will never fly in the high circles. But is taht just a limiting factor that i have put on myself? Or is Superman right?
FOr that i'll never know. Unless i can come to that conclusion on my own. As for now, i know that i have inner beauty. And as for outward appearances, i am not ugly. THere are no ugly women in the world, only lazy ones. And i am not lazy. I will continue to strive to be a better person. As for intellect? Who knows? Are you as intelligent as i am? Or are you merely worldLy? And that i will get to there when i am half your age? Alright.. time to sign off. I'm tired. TIll the next time, happy living everyone

Thoughts thoughts and more thoughts

He's back. Yes... And how would i know? Did i sms him before he sms me? As usual, are we surprised? Oh no...I'm really not so sure about how i feel. Its funny how that can happen isn't it? I mean, someone told me when u find a rich guy, u have to keep him. But, funny thing is, that's not my intention with Mr tour guide. I like him as a friend, i'm smitten by him at the very least. Yet, him being so much better then me in all aspects and that he is still currently perfect in my eyes make it so hard for me to accept. Its oki for the guy to be weaker then me, poorer then me, less intelligent and also less witty. But what happens when he is stronger then me in all aspects? Maybe its an ego thing? I'm not even sure of it.
Suddenly there is a new man in the picture. There is suddenly the appearance of ah beng. Not like he is a new appearance in my life. I've known him for some time already. But only truly gotten to know him lately. Rather two days back. And he intrigues me. In that he is a cool and suave guy. Yet beneath all that coolness, lies insecurities. Lies an abundance of self doubt. This guy is mysterious. A sure way to win a woman's heart? I'm not too sure. But i know that he has attracted me. I'm not saying i like him the same way i like tour guide.. but i like him the way i like swimmer... Oh well, i'll know in time to come. But, i never like to shit in my own backyard.. or do i secretly enjoy doing so? He made a comment that he feels that i have more talents and potential then i choose to share. Is that really that bad? Haven't i heard that line like forever as i was growing up? People told me i had so much passion and not to let the fire or candle burn out. THat they were worried i would suffer from burn out way before my time. Its true ain't it? I suffered from burn out finally and i refuse to walk down that road again. But am i being unfair to myself?
Let's talk about superman now. He's also back from his trip. I was ecstatic to hear his voice. But, if coming back was such a sad reason, i would have rather he came back as planned. His dad is sick. With lymphatic cancer. He seemed like such a strong old man. And yet, that is how life is. You don't really know what tomorrow lies for you. Life is so fragile. Maybe its a good time to quit smoking. I wouldn't want others to say, therein lies a good woman, who was smoking way too much... Anyway, from our conversations so far, he seems to be doing well. I can hear the tiredness from his voice. I care so much for him it worries me. But i know he will be fine. He is after all superman. But like ah beng, maybe this strong front is just a facade... But i can only wait and see ya? Hope all will be fine for him..
Been feeling a little grumpy lately. But is that new? I feel my problems are so insignificant as compared to Superman's problems. Does it mean that until he resolves his problem, i should not share how i feel with him, except to support him and be there for him? I'm unsure. They say life is a process and you grow up with all the experiences. I'm not sure i'm ready to experience everything. Life is so weird sometimes. Is it only because i don't know where i'm heading that makes it weird? Well, enought thoughts for now. Lets see what tomorrow brings.. In the mean time... stay happy and young at heart. .. my life is getting way too complicated for me...

And the story goes....

I think i've fallen in love with a man that i have should not have. Isn't this so ironical? Doesn't all sad love stories begin this way? I'm not sure about this. But i truly feel for him. So much so that his very actions bug and bother me. That i know its not his fault. Yet, i cannot find a suitable outlet for my own reactions.
I had an extremely beautiful birthday this year. A quarter of a centuryto be precise. And he featured greatly in my birthday tune. But there is some aura about him that makes him untouchable. Is that possible? The date started with him picking me up and us heading to chijimes for dinner. It was truly amazing. He whipped out a beautiful card that he had wrote and gave it to me. IT was really the company that touched my little soul. But in it all, it was such a wonderful gesture.
These simple acts of his has greatly touched me. I'm not sure how to go about describing my feelings towards him. I feel i'm not ready to embark in a new relationship. The wounds are still healing. But yet, it was Cow that told me once that unless i let go and move on, the wounds will never heal.
With this so simple yet complicated man, there is so much confusion. Is the confusion from within or not? He gives me the impression that he is not keen. Yet, he sometimes gives me the impression that he is crazy about me. I'm at a loss. I wish things would be easy with him telling me the things i want to hear. But i think, not in a long shot.
I've decided to play the game differently this time. For once i will sit back and not be the hunter. I will be the huntee... if there was ever such a word. I will let him do the chasing if he is interested. If he is not, then i guess its no loss at all. But there are butterflies in my stomach and baby deer is banging against the walls of my heart.
For such a confident and successful man, he really has a soft and sensitive side. I guess that's what makes him so attractive. And yet, i squirm when i'm out with him. For fear that i am not good enough for me. Why is this so? Is it because i value him too much in my life? OR is it because i want to make things happen so badly? Sometimes i feel like i think too much about the things that are hardly important and think too little about the things that are.
Oh well, i woke up to a new beginning today and i will stick by it. What happens from here is a fate that only GOD can decide and for me.