Friday, May 30, 2008

Curtain Call

Remember i mentioned that there was this thought running through my mind? And i wanted to give it some thought before blogging about it? Call it 6th sense, gut instinct or whatever you wish to call it. But somehow, i knew that there was a reason why these two words suddenly popped in my head.
If you have ever been to a play, a musical, and watched it to the very end, then you would have this part called the curtain call, where they bring all the actors or singers on stage once again, to take a bow while the audience claps and claps non stop. You get to basically see almost the whole production team etc. I often think that that is probably the 'greatest' moment. Where the show has ended, you know you put on a good show and the level of clapping indicates the appreciation of the audience and how you have touched their hearts and have given them a couple of hours of entertainment and enjoyment.
Finally, when the clapping is done, the encores are done, the curtain falls and the audience starts to leave. And if you are the actor/singer, and you are not already backstage, packing up and getting ready to go for the usual celebratory meal, and you are standing and facing a now empty place, where rows and rows of seats are now empty, it must definitely be an entirely different feeling.
I have often wondered if there were those that felt different from me at this point of time. I think about the hours that were put in to rehearse, the sweat, the tears, the hard work, just to make this production a complete success. I think of living, breathing and being the character that was in the show and now, suddenly, life has reverted back to normal. That you go back to being just you and no longer that character that you were playing/acting. And at that moment, i felt a sense of loss, a sense of being alone in this world and a deep void. Maybe the saying all good things must come to an end rings true at this point of time?
In many ways, a relationship reminds me of this curtain call feeling. The feeling of euphoria, the feeling of being appreciated while in a relationship. The feeling of being in love. And when it ends, it's just like the curtains falling and when it goes up once again, you are left alone to watch the rows and rows of empty seats and stalls. I have never been very lucky when it comes to love i suppose. And as tough as it is for me to verbalize exactly what i felt in the last 2 months, i know that when i said the words that i had to say, i was certain it was a lot more painful for me then for him. And coz i am such an empathetic person, as much as i would like to live in my own fairytale world and pretend that the situation is still beautiful and magnificent, somehow at the back of my mind, i know that it will be him who will get hurt in the long run.
Then again, maybe i am just being way ahead of myself. But i've been in those shoes before, sort of like the been there done that feeling. And just because i've walked that path before and know that it is an extremely difficult and painful path to walk, i would never wish that upon anyone. And so, tonight, i spoke my piece. And i knew it would hurt. I knew that as much as i can act like i'm cool about it, i was hurting inside. It was beautiful while it lasted and i suppose that was the most important part. It was like being rudely awakened from a really really sweet dream. Then again, maybe it was just a dream. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, and day dreaming on my part while i was having a really tough period at work. And now that it's time to start working on my production, someone had to wake me up?

Thursday, May 29, 2008

2 Days till Sundown

It's just another 2 days before Sundown. And i'm still coughing my lungs out and fluing away! Sighz. I'm really quite disappointed and i've done everything i could to will the cough away. Now all i can do is pray really hard that the cough and flu goes away miraculously tomorrow and i will have a day to readjust before running on Saturday night. =(
The last couple of days have been pretty topsy turvy for me. A couple of highs and lows. But i suppose end of the day, that is probably what life is all about! The constant cycle of highs and lows.
Of course since i've been sick since last week, i have not had the chance to train even the slightest bit. And i suppose at times, we never value and treasure the things that are right before our eyes. Generally, we take for granted the things that surround us. Especially our health. And it is at times when i am sick, coughing my lungs out where i wish i had taken more care of myself. Made more of an effort to rest when it was time to rest rather then stress my body unduly. It's not the first time i've been sick so close to a race. Very often, people around me think i am cutting it too closely, as with most things i do in life. And is it really sufficient to just rest a day, recover and go for a race? Probably when i was younger and the passion and drive to want to compete got the better of me, i would tell you without a doubt that i would race. That even if i drop dead after crossing the finishing line, it would satisfy the very sinister part of me. Now, i'm not really sure what my answer would be. In fact, i have very mixed feelings even at this point of time as to whether i would compete or not. Maybe it's due to the fact that as i grow older, i feel that there are many more considerations or maybe it is in tune with the chinese saying, resting so that you can walk a longer journey.
Other then that, have been working a little harder this month and hanging out with friends quite a bit this month. Friends have been helping me take away the feeling of helplessness in not being able to train and not being able to do very much with races just round the corner. And with June just round the corner and a horrible first quarter production, i figured it was time to buck up on my work and just put in that little more effort. And seems either this is my lucky month or that little more effort is paying off. Had 4 referrals already this month and things look positive at this point of time. Just waiting to sign the papers. And 2 more cases that are a 80% close, coz they are very keen in buying. So, that means if all goes well, by end June, i will have 6 insurance policies settled. =) It doesn't really matter what the case size is, just the numbers at this point coz my numbers look weak.
So, i guess all in all, things have been rather positive looking. So if you read this far, you must be wondering, a lot of highs, where are the lows. Hehe... Eh, let me give u the abridged version. Met new guy, date new guy, have lots of fun together. The low, new guy is married. Seems like when it comes to relationships, i can constantly get it wrong. But i suppose, one day i'll get it right. =)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The last couple of days

Didn't blog the last couple of days. =(
Anyway, have not been training as well. Last run done was 5km run on Thursday evening. Was supposed to head down to TP to join the guys, but left work late, so ran on my own. But felt shitty half way through the run and decided to call it quits after 5km.
Should have listened to my body and rested more after not being able to complete my original 10km run. But, Jaja called and decided to go meet her for drinks instead since there was nothing much to do at home as well. Got pissed drunk. It's been a long time manz. Long time as in i've gotten so drunk that i had to puke so many times within the night. I always say i'm going to stay off alcohol when that happens, but somehow, i forget rather easily the lousy feeling that comes with going on a drinking binge. =)
Woke up on Friday morning with a massive hangover. And to top off the hangover, i had a slight fever, flu, cough and a bad throat. I'm not sure if it had to do with the deprived sleep coz of hanging out for the last couple of nights, or the drinking, or my body was basically tired, or all of the above, but felt quite crappy after that. =( But i couldn't really sleep coz not very tired, so hung out with a friend for a while before heading down to Turf Club for the races.
Woke up pretty early this morning, which was a joke since i couldn't train with the throat and cough and flu still hanging around. The fever was an on/off thing. Took the medication, before heading back to sleep again. Woke up, felt slightly better and decided to go out. Was supposed to meet up with TG, but as usual, he was busy with work and begged off on the fact that he had to rush a report out. Was a little disappointed i guess.
But was still rather determined to hang out rather then stay couped up at home. So went out with a friend for a while. Then went for dinner and did some shopping coz toiletries were on the low. Spent the rest of the evening at home, watching tele.
Caught the channel 5 show, mindhunters. Thought the show was pretty great! Impressed with the storyline and plot. I like shows that require me to think and have a twist to the ending. Anything predictable is BORING!
I guess it's time to head off to bed. Although, before i go, this thought has been running through my mind the whole day. Curtain call. Hmm, will give it a little more thought and blog about it when i wake up i guess. =) Nitez

Thursday, May 22, 2008

How can something be so wrong and yet so right

Love is blind. Or so i have been told. But wait, i don't think i trust myself enough to love again. Maybe the occasional hugs and kisses are great. The company fantastic. And yet, there is still something wrong with the entire equation. Could it be Me? Could it be that i don't trust myself enough to put my eggs into the basket? Or that i don't trust myself enough to put two feet in.
There will always be two schools of thoughts i believe. One school of thought would be, why take the plunge? Put the little toe in to test the temperature before deciding whether the water is cool enough or warm enough, while the other school of thought is, unless u place yourself in, you never know how the water feels. Over the years, i would like to believe i have grown up and am now starting to be a little more matured and hesitant to take the first plunge. But, at the back of my mind, the saying, if you never try, you never know, resounds over and over again.
So the question then is, when do u think it is safe to take the plunge or when it is better to just chill out by the sea and just enjoy the scenery?
I definitely have no answer to this question. Because, when it comes to emotions, i often ask myself, how can something be so wrong and yet so right?
PS. Before you start flooding my inbox, there is no one in particular this post is for =P

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Random thoughts

No specific title. So will have to settle on this. Honestly haven't done much since the trifam sprint. Oh wait, that was just two days back. But have been so busy that i have not really had the time to do much. Plus kinda tired. And it seems like every time after a race, i fall sick. =( It's a good thing i'm still on a high from the Trifam Sprint. Hehe
Went for a long swim today. Basically it was an easy swim, just trying to clock some mileage, getting back into the rhythm and getting comfortable in the water. Did warm up, then 500m pull buoy, 500m kicking and 500m swim. Two sets, cool down and i was out of the pool. But still feeling really weird and uncomfortable in the water. Can pull, can kick. But cannot put the two together to swim. Sighz...
Anyway, didn't do ENR tonight, coz didn't see any posting of it until late afternoon. Of which, by then, i thought there was no ENR and already agreed to go out with friends. So, no biking today. =( I'm beginning to enjoy biking more and more actually. hee..
Went for dinner with a friend and his friends. Hung out for a while after that, just sitting around, chatting and chilling. Nothing much to write really. Have some stuff in my mind, but haven't figured it and sorted it out yet. Will write tomorrow. Nitez

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Happy Vesak Day and the long weekend!

The supposedly long weekend came and left so fast that i feel like i haven't even rested enough. Ok. Could be due to the fact that while i was supposed to rest, i didn't. Anyway, the last 3 days went as follows. Saturday morning woke up at 3am, headed to Turf Club to catch the foreign horses do track work. Bloody Japanese must request for the 4am slot. So had to make sure we were there before 4am so that can take pictures of them at track work. Finished and returned home at about 9am. Then went for a short easy swim. Did exactly 30 laps and then it was back home to shower, change and off to Turf Club again. It was a super hectic day as the first 9 races were all cup races. So, barely enough time to do everything that needed to be done! Plus, there was 1 less backup photographer today, so had to be 101% alert. Good thing i didn't miss a single shot and managed to take a couple of nice pictures. But quite lucky coz some of the more lao jiao photographers were super helpful and one guy even reminded me to on flash in the champagne room, coz first race i forgot to bring the flash downstairs. Hehe. Races ended at close to 8pm, headed home to put all the equipment down before heading out to dinner. Finished dinner close to 10pm, then met Alvin for coffee.
Sunday woke up early, had to go for Trifam Sprint. Sprint was 750m swim, 18km bike and about 5km run. Although i suspect the run route was only 4.5km. Anyway, woke up quite early in fact. Considering i slept at 1 plus, woke up at 4.30am. Laid in bed for some time deciding whether to go for the sprint or not. Quite funny lor. If i psyched myself up to race, then i will be very stress and anxious. Then will think of not turning up. But if i say take it easy, no stress, then i wake up and feel like not in the mood to race, so can don't go. Haha... But it was a good thing i spoke to Xiao Ying the night before and said i would be there. Plus i figured since already wake up, then take it as a sign that i should go for it. Not say wake up late, overslept etc. But on the entire drive there, i was getting more and more jittery. Jurong to Coastal road is quite far. Enough time for the thought of turning back to recur in my mind many times. I felt like i wasn't prepared. What if cannot finish. Haven't been training much lately. All these negative thoughts plagued my mind non stop. Finally reached race site. It was less intimidating then the NUS biathlon that i did coz there were a lot more familiar faces this time round and before race can walk around and chit chat. Made me calm down a little. But chit chat chit chat, then hardly did any warm up and stretching. Hehe..
Just before the race, i asked myself if i wanted to set a target for this race and what i wanted to achieve. But since this is my first tri race, albeit a sprint event, i told myself that i just want to complete it. As usual, race objectives were, complete without walking during the run, not be last and before the 2hr cut off time. So, with simple baby step goals in mind, i went into the sea to wait for the sea start. Started swimming, not too bad. Sea a bit dirty, first 200m was a little crowded. Couldn't find my pace, couldn't feel my rhythm. Maybe coz never warm up. Hee.. The next 550m was easier, although went off course for a while. Came out of the sea and scraped my knees a little against something rough. But small issue. Feeling rather decent and strong still. Went into the transition area to pick up my bike. Took really really long there. I admit i need to work on this transition thingee. But i like to be clean and drive before i put on my tri top and get on my bike. Plus, i suppose because i didn't set any challenging targets for myself, i was very relaxed. So what if i took a couple more extra minutes in transition? =) Headed out for the bike route. Before race, my strategy was to take easy swim, bike hard and then easy run. Why? Coz practicing brick training for duathlon in June. So, i pedaled hard, managed to over take some people on the bike leg. But also got over taken a couple of times. But all in all, was pleased with my bike effort. Finished biking, went into transition again, and lost a lot of ground once again. Was little hesitant in moving off. Coz i heard Julzzz said Xiao Ying behind me, then thought maybe wait for her then can run together. By the time i came into transition, i had more then 45 minutes before cut off time. So i knew no matter how slow i run, i had more then sufficient time to finish the run. But waited quite a bit and didn't see her. Was chatting with Dion. Then cannot remember who tell me, transition not meant for socializing. So i pai seh, then started running. Took a slow easy run, encouraged 2 people along the way, and finally finished the race. Felt really glad and good. Stayed on to chat with some of the trifamers before giving Jerry a lift back home coz he biked to coastal road and heading home.


(Picture from top left (Clockwise) : Xiao Ying and I before the race, My bike and I, Out of the water, Looking good in the run =)
Love the bike pic! My first ever picture of myself while riding. Thanks to Julzzz and Xuan Jing for the beautiful pictures)

Reached home, took a short 20 minutes power nap, before it was off to the Turf Club again. It was a good thing racing only started at 3 plus. Which means if we reach at 2pm, it would be comfortable. So, got to Turf Club at about 2.15pm. From start to end of the day, everyone was highly strung. Biggest racing day of the Singapore Race Calendar. And the place was swarming with people. Plus security was extremely tight. So, all in all, i would say it was a horrid racing session for me. There were a lot of foreign reporters and journalist around and it was crazy. I finally understand the meaning of media circus. Damn. Everyone was fighting for a gap at the barriers so that can capture nice pictures. And it was a mad dash from paddock, to barrier. Running up, running down. Felt like i was doing another race. Run from upstairs, down to press box, down to paddock, to barriers, back up to owners lounge, back down to foreign media are to send pictures to HKJC, and back to barrier to take Krisflyer cup race. Last race ended at 9pm. But stayed on to edit pictures to send the edited pictures overseas for the HK media. Finally left club at 11pm. Nerves were super irritated. Not to mention i quarreled with dad 3 times at club over photo issues and all bo liao matters. Anyway, always like that one lah. He gets irritable, jittery and short tempered when there are a lot of things to do. Only coz he has no system in doing things. Sigh. So, finally at 11pm, i was tired, hungry and irritated. And you can't scold your dad. Anyway, Alvin came back to club to pick me up although he left after race 6. Sweet of him coz i was in a bad mood. We went for dinner and then went to chill out for a while. Only coz i didn't want to be home until the folks went to bed. Finally reached home at about 2 plus am, showered and went to bed at 3.30am. What a long long day.
Woke up early this morning. Was quite tired, but just woke up. Plus i was hungry. So wanted to look for food at home, but before i could find food, dad asked if i could help him deliver pictures. Although i was still angry with him for losing his temper at me the night before, i obliged. So went to Ubi to deliver the pictures for him and headed back towards home, hoping to stop for a little breakfast. Plus the sun was shining nice and bright this morning and hoping to get some swimming done before the crowd headed in to the pool. But was interrupted en route home when i received a call from dad saying that he couldn't send the pictures over to malaysia. Damn. So before i had a chance to take breaky, i was home once again, helping him send pictures to Malaysia. That took longer then expected and it was almost close to noon when i was done. By then, i was feeling really hungry, so took 4 slices of bread. Damn. Wonder why i grow fat some more. Anyway, was also feeling a little tired once again, so took a 45 minute nap before off i went to the Turf Club again. That's 3 days in a row i went to Club. Sighz. But with two days worth of cup races, there were a lot pictures that were not edited and printed yet. So had to go if not cannot give them their pictures on Friday or those that want pictures this week will not be able to get their pictures. But dad was working this afternoon so i was on my own at Club. Finally finished about 4ish, was super duper hungry again, so headed off to take some solid food. Came home close to 6pm, too full to swim, so decided to take another short nap before deciding what to do for the rest of the evening. Was texting a friend who said maybe will have coffee. But said later in the night. So thought i had time to squeeze in a half hour to an hour nap. Slept for 25 minutes, before the phone rang. It was my friend asking why i didn't reply sms. That he was downstairs already. So i crawled out of bed, changed and went to meet my friend for coffee. Came home after coffee and decided i really really need to sleep. But then decided i really really want to blog first. And now that i am almost done. I can finally SLEEP!!!!!!!!! Whoo Hoooooooooooooo

Friday, May 16, 2008

Just another day... Yesterday

Yesterday was a nice day! Went for a nice long run. Ok, not very long, but still, i had fun. Slow, comfortable and most importantly, very consistent pace! =) I don't even remember any run where the curve was totally flat and straight. But i suppose that is important, consistency during the Sundown Marathon.
Went running with Dion and Lloyd. Lloyd ran ahead of Dion and Me, while Dion and I slowly jogged at a pace where we were comfortable with. Pace after the run was 6.34min/km. Which is a nice easy, comfy pace for me and i think i will be able to last at this pace. Anyway, it was a good thing the guys were running with me as well, coz the reservoir was pretty dark and quiet at some places.
After the only 9km run, we went to eat Macdonalds. Hee... All the hard work gone to waste. But we were tired and lazy to travel, so just had dinner/supper there lah. But this morning when i weighed myself, i realised i put on weight. Could be the fact that i've been having suppers and going to sleep soon after each time after my night runs. Sighz.. Also dun know what to do. Don't eat then take a longer time to recover. Eat then grow fat. How?!?
Anyway, only 2 more weeks to Sundown, then after that can revert back to normal training of morning and evening.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

For whatever reasons, yesterday felt like a really lazy day. I didn't feel like working, didn't feel like blogging. Basically, the whole day went about with me not doing anything constructive. Didn't train also. Hehe... It felt like a really really LAZY day! Could be due to the rain, or the fact that i felt so super duper exhausted. Seems the training that i've been doing, although not much has taken out more from me then i knew. And so, i spent the day yawning, in desperate need for sleep and a good rubdown.
Went to catch a show with two of the swimming guys and their better halves last night. What happens in Vegas! On a scale of 1-10, i would probably rate it 5.5 to 6. Not a fantastic show, plot was pretty predictable. But i suppose good for a laugh and also if you are dating, one of those couple-ly shows. There was only one part in the show where it struck me just how much like Ashton Kutcher i was. He said in this one line in the show, i guess i took myself out of the game. Coz if you never bet on yourself, you never lose. And i suppose this struck a chord in my heart coz for the longest of time, i too felt like that. =) It's really a rather paradoxical situation. Coz if you take yourself out of the game early on, you already lose. But if you play the game, there is a 50% chance of winning. But i suppose there will be some people with a different mindset altogether who feel that if there is no effort put in, then it doesn't count and therefore, if there are no results produced, its normal. I guess that was the only part in the show that struck a chord, other then the fact that i soooooooo want to go to Sin City! Haa... But of course, going to Sin City with shitloads of money would be nice! Hehe...
During the show previews, i saw a couple more shows that i would want to catch! Sex in the City is coming to Singapore!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! I swear there is a Mr Big in every girl's life. And if you have never met him, you haven't lived life. Alright i exaggerate! Maybe not every girl, but i suppose the idea of Mr Big makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. Hmm... wonder who my Mr Big is.. Hehe... Then there is Made of Honor. Only reason why i am catching such a soap show which i generally avoid while i am not dating is because of Patrick Dempsey. OMG, he is like the only caucasian man i like. I suppose most of you know i don't like dating Ang Mor men. But i lied. If a Patrick Dempsey look-a-like wanted to date me, hell YES! i would date him. Hee... I haven't caught Ironman yet as well. But not too hyped up about the show. So that's fine! Oh yeah, Kung Fu Panda as well. No bloody clue what the show is about, but its a cartoon. And every grown up should watch cartoons. Keeps us sharp and in touch with the child within us. And i love the short advert at the start of the movie if you go to GV where he says, i'm watching you...
Alright, that pretty much sums up the list of shows i would probably want to catch. Any takers?
After the movie, i came home, and as usual, the people in my estate all come home really early and there was not a parking lot in sight. But as usual, i have quite a bit of luck with parking lots. And after rounding the estate for 15 minutes, there was a lot just at my blk. And i met this guy who was also eyeing the lot. And he said, wah, you very lucky ar? Last night you also managed to get a lot, then tonight as well. =) What can i say, my guardian angel has been working overtime lately. Hehe...
I guess that probably sums up the lazy day yesterday! Why am i so free to blog when i should be doing work.. Eh.. just procrastinating. Ok, back to the grind, will update more tonight! =)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Cycling with ENR

This was probably the only thing that got saw me through the otherwise horrible plus boring day! Went into office, tried to log on to email, but didn't work. So i had to call IT dept to ask, then when the guy walked over, it suddenly worked. He must have thought i was an idiot. Sigh! Then network was damn slow in office, take forever to load. Tried to download msn into the laptop, after half hour still not done. And it took less then 10 minutes at home. Anyway, i kept telling myself tonight can go riding, so not so bad. Rushed home after that, took off makeup and headed for ENR. But traffic wasn't helpful. So was probably the last one to reach. Heard someone ask me hurry up. =(
Anyway, other then the less then perfect day, the ride was good. Average speed was actually 28.5km. Which means last week to this week got slight slight improvement. But it's good enough for me. I'm happy! Hee.. And i was watching my meter, only drop below 28 once and for less then a minute before i picked up again. So i'm really glad. It seems the cycling part is improving. Slowly but surely i will get to 30km/hr and beyond.
Then went for a short run with some of the ENR people. Must be those training for duathlon. I thought all running, coz the guy ask me put on my shoes and run. Actually, i was very hesitant to run, coz my quads still hurt. But tot since everyone running, then just join in lor. Wah lao eh.. see only like 6 people running. And at least 15 people turned up at ENR tonight. Hmmm.... thought go for slow slow run, but two of them were waiting, so had to up the pace. But damn tired... Anyway, one of the guys ran with me, then kept encouraging me. I'm forever super impress with people who can talk and run. For the life of me, even when i was at my fittest, i couldn't do that. I remember coach telling me once that was probably the only time they hear me shut up. Hee... So after run, shower and dinner.
Everyone had left for the dinner place already, so only me and Xiao Ying left, so we sit by ourselves, had dinner and chit chat. Until the foodstore uncle ask me why i eat so slow, coz he wants to clear the plate.. Hehe..
All in all, great workout.

Race updates:
Doing trifam sprint this Sunday 750m swim, 18km bike, 5km run.
Should be a good experience for me since i never do all 3 before. Never even do any training where i swim finish then straight off to bike. Need some getting use to. After swimming i generally like a nice shower. Hee..

Doing Sundown Marathon, 31st May. Start at midnight. As the name suggests, its run forest, run. 42km run. Took over from a swimming kaki coz he will not be in Singapore. If there was any honest mistake, this has got to be it. =P

Then 1 week later, Saab City Duathlon. 8 June. 10km run, 40km bike and 5km run. I think. Not sure. Signed up but for get what it is. Anyway, just go there have fun and see if i like it. =)

Then after that, no clear direction. Might be tempted to do Port Dickson, then eh.. OSIM? But like reviews for OSIM quite bad. So not sure yet. Alright. Zzzz monster is calling my name.. getting louder.. Nitez!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The weekend and Monday

It was a pretty decent weekend for me. Other then the really creepy dream, and the fact that i didn't ride over the weekend although i really really wanted to, but each time i woke up, it was raining, so i went back to bed only to realize that the sun came out after that. And since i missed biking on both days, i felt a little horrid initially. But it was all made up over the weekend with karaoke with Jaja. =) My no 1 darling! hehe. And after that, feeling guilty coz i didn't do anything over the whole weekend, i went for a long slow run. Did 20km in 2hrs 20min. Not too bad a time for my first slow long run in 6 weeks. Aching like mad still.
So basically, Sat woke up to a phone call from a friend who wants to give up his Sundown slot. So, now i will be taking part in the Sundown Marathon which i totally have not been training for. It is times like this where i wished i had spent more time running although i had no races to prepare for. Went for lunch with dad, then came home, went for coffee with a friend, before heading to meet Serene to try out the jie mei dress for her wedding and have coffee once again, and then Mother's Day dinner at Peach Garden. Came home intending to have an early nite, but the same person i went our for coffee in the afternoon asked to meet again, and after reading the very lengthy email he sent me, i decided maybe it was wise to meet up and have a face to face talk. So went out again, met him, talked to him and then it was home sweet home.
Sunday, woke up, went for breaky with the folks before walking aimlessly around the house for the longest of time, deciding whether i wanted to go swimming. Then Jaja msned and asked if wanted to go singing. Haven't sang for super long. So met up with her, went singing. Dion smsed to ask if wanted to run 15km. But already crooning away, so had to give it a miss. Came home, felt really bad and went for my own run instead. Eh.. more like jog lah. Average pace was 7min/km. Stretched really long, downed 2 100plus, and some noodles and it was off to bed.
Monday, woke up early, went for a short short jog, 3km only. Basically to stretch before and after more then to run. But it was amazing. I woke at like 6.20, had a light breaky, headed stretched for like half hour, before running for 20mins and stretching for another 25mins. Showered, then went for serious breaky. Felt hungry non stop today. After breaky, rushed to office for meeting. Was 5 minutes late actually, but as with all meetings, the last person to turn up was 45mins late. So i guess i was early. haha. The conclusion is my manager can repeat the same thing 100 times and never get bored. Either that or he only has that much to say, so, he just keeps repeating the same things. Meeting was supposed to end at 5pm, but he went on and on and on and on. Ok, you get the idea. Was thinking maybe today cannot swim liaoz. But he finished short of 6pm. Rushed home, took off makeup, changed, grabbed swim gear and it was off for swimming. Really glad i swam today. Felt so good after the swim. Was aching and hurting, but it's good pain. Please don't ask me what is good pain and bad pain. Go experience it for yourself. =P After swim, was actually feeling super duper hungry, as with the rest of the day, had a full plate of rice, which is something i hardly ever do. Chat for a while and now, i'm lying in bed, typing out this nonsense and about to say good nite to you! Nitez

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Recurring dream

I've been having this same recurring dream for the last couple of weeks. Its super weird and but i can't seem to get it out of my mind. And the weird part is i seldom dream, but to keep having the same dream over and over again is indeed irritating. Sighz
In the dream, i killed someone. Somehow, the dream evolves on it's own. And in the earlier weeks, i only killed someone and hid the body. Last night, i didn't dream of killing the person. In my dream, i already knew i had killed someone. In the dream, i was thinking of ways to dispose of the body. The really weird thing is, although there is a body in front of me, i cannot tell who that person is. It almost seems like this person has no face and therefore i cannot identify the person. So, i kill someone, and i don't know who i killed. And it's also weird coz i've been having the dream for 3 weeks now, and i remember saying to myself in the dream that i had better dispose of the body before i get found out.
In the last 3 weeks, the body was hidden in this carton box. So, last night in my dream, i was actually going through the options of how best to deal with the body. Whether i wanted to dig a hole and bury it, whether i wanted to burn the body, chop it up into manageable pieces or grind it to dust. Alright, i suppose some of my suggestions sounds silly. But it's a dream =) And in the dream, i seem to think it queer that no one has come forward to put out a missing report on this person just yet. So, my dream consists of a person i killed, hidden in a carton box and me thinking of ways to dispose of the body. After that point, i wake up.
When this dream started a couple weeks back, it was just me killing the person and stowing the dead corpse in a carton box in the storeroom. If u wanted to know whether i stabbed a person or how the person died, i suffocated the person. Then every day, i get to the point where i tell myself that i will wait until the time is right before i dispose of the body. And then i wake up at this point. Last night was slightly different. I was actually pondering about my options and what i could do with the body. And i woke up after that.
The dream seemed so real and creepy that i really went to the storeroom this morning to see if the box that i packed the body away in really existed. Thankfully there was no such box. But it still is creeping me out. Maybe i should find one of those people that analyzes dreams and find out why i keep having this same dream and what it means!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I'm pretty certain i'm CRAZY

Ha... Someone just gave up his Sundown Marathon slot to me. Nothing wrong with that except it is 3 weeks away and i have not even picked up my running shoes except for the occassional 8km runs. So basically, in the last one month, the longest run i've done is 8km. I am so going to die running!
Got to really start running manz. And i'm quite certain i won't be able to finish the full distance but will run as much as i can and walk the rest. But still, i think it is sheer madness!
Kinda funny, like see the swimming group do then thought maybe want to do. But since was too late to register, then can forget it. Then someone wants to give up their slot and i'm tempted. Mixed feelings really! =(
Anyway, i went out with some of the Monday swim group people for drinks on Thursday. And Friday flew by in a flurry. There was no intention to run today, but now, haha.,... I guess i just have to.
Alright, now that i've officially certified myself crazy, i will go put on my running shoes and run. The only flipside to this is probably no stress for this race and so i get to enjoy it a lot a lot more! =)
Us after Dinner on Thursday
From Left to Right: Charlene, Me, Teryn, Xiao Ying, Gary
Green cap guy is Lloyd, hiding behind =)

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

My day

Woke up to ride with Dawn riders. They were really nice, dropped their pace to accomodate me. Ave speed was about 28km/hr. Then came back, showered, went to Turf Club. So cute, Alvin was telling me that i sure very long life one. Just before i appeared, Dr Yeoh, John, him and Sonny were talking about me. Classic case of speak of the devil =P Can u see my devil horns sticking out?
Went to the Hospice to meet the people who were supposed to pick up granduncle's body, then went to police post to settle his death cert and to surrender ic. Then went for breakfast, pop by office before coming home to take a short nap. Went for appointment, then went to the crematorium, and finally dinner with the family!
Was quite a quiet and more a family affair at the crematorium then anything else. Although a couple of granduncle's friends and neighbors turned up for the cremation. But mostly family. I must be growing old. I have 8 neices and nephews till date. Love the children. They're all so adorable especially Si Hui and Bryan. =) Ok i admit. I shouldn't have favorites among the children, but i really can't help it. Si Hui and Bryan are just so so so so cute. And Si Hui really knows how to tug on your heartstrings. Is it too obvious when i gave each of the children 2 packets of biscuits and gave the balance to Bryan and Si Hui evenly? Hee.. A bit too obvious rite? Will try harder next time.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Rest in peace second granduncle

Despite my optimism and faith that he would pull through, somehow, i suppose it was his time to leave. He has led a full life and not many people can claim to have lived to see their 92nd birthday. The doctors had already told us that he had only hours to live and had stopped feeding him since my birthday. Which was about 6 days back. And it was amazing that granduncle held on for 6 days with no food. Of course, he never woke during this time to say anything to us. I wasn't sure whether he understood anything we said to him but we talked to him constantly, hoping that he would wake.
So today, at 4.18pm, he passed away peacefully i would hope. I remember telling him, granduncle, don't worry, we'll settle all that needs to be settled, just go in peace. I guess one of the things he was worried about was that he had no wife, no children and all he really had was us. From the first day he was admitted to hospital last year, he already was prepared that he would not live. And when he stepped into the halls of Dover Park Hospice, he knew he would never step back out! And that was pretty sad for me, coz somehow, when he went in, he was still strong. I remember him being insistent about moving back home and staying on his own. But somehow, the rest of us were not so sure. Who would take care of him when he is ill? Who would know if something happens to him? Plus, his one bedroom place was so small and cramp, and we would all feel better if he was in the care of someone. And so after a lot of convincing, he moved into the hospice.
Each day at the hospice, i saw his condition get worse. I cannot decide now whether it's the environment that he was in. Living among the almost dying that made him stop fighting. But i suppose, all i can say is that it was his time to leave. That he had led a full life in this world. He has seen many things happen and great changes in his time here. He was truly a fighter in every sense of the word, being born in 1916, living through the japanese occupation, seeing Singapore becoming independent, the racial riots etc.
I spent the rest of the afternoon after seeing him for one last time, sourcing for a funeral home, trying to settle the cremation details. It seemed like no one was eager to do so. I suppose everyone was grieving in their own way. Ang mor uncle cried. And he's 70ish. Auntie Linda was there, Uncle Tommy's wife and daughter Connie, myself, dad, and granduncle's younger brother who is 88.
Third granduncle cried just now. And really, my heart went out to him. Honestly, i was clueless as to what to do and how to go about with the planning of the funeral and cremation. But someone had to do it and since no one else volunteered, i did. I suppose it is the last thing i can do for this man that has seen each and everyone of us grow up, who never forgot our faces, our lives and would always keep himself abreast with our lives and activities even until the day he was admitted in the hospice. *Smilez. He even remembered seeing Guardian with me before and asked me only last month when we were going to be married so that he can attend my wedding. I remember telling him that it was over, and he jokingly said, that guy is too short for you =P
Well, i will miss him but i will be strong and arrange all the funeral stuff coz i promised him i would take care of everything and he should go in peace!
Rest in peace second Granduncle!

Happy

'I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do. " - Helen Keller

We met with difficulties everyday,
See our friends and ourselves in the fray,
All our cares keep us bogged down,
In our work we are always drowned,
Forgetting that there are always the unfortunate few,
Who need more help than just a swift adieu.
Who really need a helping hand,
Not necessarily from a known friend,
Someone, who may have held that heavy door,
Or helped pick your books up from the floor,
Helped you when you needed backing,
Perhaps when you found your confidence lacking,
To help you climb that endless ladder,
If you should fall, catch you like a falling feather.
These things could make someone's day,
And although they may not keep all his problems at bay,
You would feel pleases at what you could achieve,
By just providing some off-hand relief.
It may not take up too much time, and that;s a fact,
Just a friendly smile or a pat on the back,
Would give somebody the sunshine that he lacks.
So start today and you'll soon see,
You would make everyone feel the way they should be,
HAPPY! =)

Run then swim

Stretched like 20minutes before heading out for my run. Easy 5km, just praying each step that my calves would not scream. And true enough, good job, done. 6.15min/km. Didn't want to push too hard, coz of late, dunno when my calves will act up. And when i started running, actually felt a little pain at the knee. But i don't think i've ever been this determined to run. Hee.. And i felt good. Finish the run, changed and headed off to swim.
In fact, i think i had a pretty good workout today. The drills that we did before the swim really helps. Now all i really need to do is to find a way to maintain the same pace all the way. I have realised that the max i can keep my speed is 150m. After that i am done.. But all in all, i'm rather pleased. After the run, my calves did hurt for a while, but the swim took the pain away. Frankly, i'm pretty surprised. But, definitely not complaining. More then happy for the pain to go away. Will run again tomorrow and see how everything goes. Must remember to stretch before and after running. Sometimes lazy then never stretch before. Hee...
Eh, my ipod crashed on me during the run today. I so need to get another nano. But kinda sad. Coz this was a present from a friend. Sighz...
All in all a pretty good day. Kena stirred by some of the swimming guys to do the Sundown Marathon. Was actually pretty tempted to. Although not in any shape to do the marathon. But think it should be fun. Anyway, 1 week after the marathon is the duathlon. So was thinking not very wise. But still very tempted. =) So confusing. In the end, the decision was taken out of my hands coz when i went to the website, the last day for registration was on the 2nd of May. I'm not sure if i'm a little disappointed or relieved. Hee... =) Oh well, gg to bed now. Run Run Run...

Monday, May 05, 2008

Brand new start to the week

It's another week starting Monday! Woke up early to run, hoping i'll be able to fit in a long run after last night's horrid run session where i started to feel a horrid pull at my calf muscles after 3km. OMG, if this keeps up, i cannot imagine how the duathlon which i signed up on impulse will go. *sighz
Anyway, ran slow and steady, at about 7min/km. I know i was probably crawling. But i did my best to stretch the run for as long as i could. Didn't work out too well. At 5km, my calves were screaming and moaning. I knew i had to stop. =( This is getting rather disappointing. But have decided if i cannot do long runs, then i suppose doing 2 sessions a day, accumulated, i would still be doing the mileage i need to do. Although i know i'm probably cheating on this, but better then nothing.
Just came back after lunch appointment. Didn't go too well. But i suppose that's my fault too. Didn't do enough background work on this guy, plus i think i gave a pretty lousy presentation. Anyways, always good to have more practice so that when opportunity comes knocking, i'm all ready! =)

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Sunday morning ride

Took a ride this morning with Teryn finally! After the numerous times we'd postponed on each other, we finally got to ride together. I was dead tired actually, since Joe came over to look for me last night and we chatted till early this morning. But i set 6 alarms this morning coz i really really wanted to make it happen. Funny thing was, before the alarms went off, i was up. Considering i slept at 4, set the alarm to go off at 5.20, i was up even before that. Felt like i didn't sleep a wink but i was sure i did =)
Rode easy to West coast Mac to meet her. And we set off from there to Tuas Checkpoint. It was a rather interesting route, although i felt it was a little dangerous especially at all the roundabouts. Other then that, it was a smooth and comfortable ride. I would say it was a nice comfortable pace for me as compared to ENR rides which are crazy. It was a nice change from the chionging and trying to keep up with others. Met many riders along the way and especially as we were near West Coast Macs. Many people apparently ride on weekends! HA...
Eh.. Went to makan at Cheese Prata Shop after that before tackling the NUS slope and heading home via commonthwealth road. Total distance covered: 54km.
Home to West Coast macs: 7.5km
West Coast Macs to Tuas and Back: 37km
Back home: 9.5km
Came back home, cramped downstairs just as i got off the bike. Timing couldn't be more perfect. Coz not sure what i would have done if i had cramped on the bike =) Posititve thinking. Although, i probably need to figure out why i have been cramping recently. Probably not due to speed as i didn't push very hard today. Supposed to be an easy ride. So why? Hmmm... better go do some reading off the net and see if i can find out. =)

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Happy Birthday Granduncle

Nope, my granduncle does not read my blog! But he celebrated his birthday yesterday considering it's past midnite now. His birthday is on the 2 of May. Every year, our birthdays are just 2 days apart, but the age gap that we have is huge. While i just turned 28, granduncle turned 92 yesterday! So he's more then half a century older then me.
But what made granduncle's birthday so unique and special this year was coz no one shared my optimism that he would live to turn 92. He has been in the hospice since 4 April this year. And on my birthday, the doctors called to say he had fits and gave him 24 hrs to live. On Labour day, the whole family gathered at the hospice to see him and spend some time with him. But i was certain that he would not give up. And i was right! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!
I spent a lot more time with granduncle when i was a kid. Less after i grew up. It was all pretty complicated. My grandmother is adopted. So granduncle is her brother through adoption. And through adoption, grandma had 5 siblings. There was only 1 that we were quite close to, auntie Margaret who passed away about 10 years ago. And that was when the whole family in Singapore stopped hanging out and spending time together. Auntie Margaret was a wonderful woman who always opened up her house for us to hang out at and for the kids to get together to play. Every year, i would look forward to visiting her on Chinese New Year as i get to see all my cousins and family from Singapore. But after she passed away, no one bothered to hold celebrations or get the family together any more. You could say she was the pillar that held the family together.
Then, when granduncle went to hospital, it was the first time that the whole family met up after Auntie Margaret passed away. And while granduncle struggled to live, he pulled everyone closer together! There were calls from cousins to aunties to uncles. Calls between brothers who never speak to each other. It's funny how this 1 man, who never ever got married, who never had children, managed to bring the whole family back together. Although it probably would have been better if everyone had gathered under different circumstances, there was no denying that the tumor in granduncle's head made everyone in the family realise that we've probably only got each other. And the petty fights that the older generation had and the grudges that have been kept for so long were all pointless when one was facing death in the face. And i suppose that's what being a family means =)
Time really flies. And it has only been a couple of months since granduncle was first admitted to the hospital. And today, when i saw him, he was not even awake enough for me to wish him Happy birthday personally. He was asleep the whole time i was there. I tried talking to him, but he never woke. Which is weird coz granduncle is the most chatty man i've known. And he has a great memory. But today, i saw him lying in bed, and realised just how much he has aged. And just how fast the tumor was eating him alive.
Granduncle probably won't last many more days as they have stopped feeding him. But i guess there is a silver lining to every cloud. And it was through this adversity that brought the whole family together again and started talking with each other.
Happy Birthday to you Granduncle! And thanks for drawing everyone back together =)

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Happy Labour Day

Didn't manage to blog about how my birthday went coz basically i came back home at 6.30am this morning, took a shower, didn't even wait for hair to dry, before going to sleep. Was pretty tired actually! So how did my birthday go?
Went for lunch with Alvin. Headed to Raffles Marina for lunch and a slice of cake. I think he didn't even know it was my birthday. And i didn't see the need to enlighten him until after lunch. He was pretty shocked. Then ask me not to tell people that the cake is bought by him. Hee...

My Oreo Birthday Slice.
Anyway, after that, spent the rest of the day running errands before heading to meet friends for dinner. There, i had my first birthday cake of the year! There was a group picture, but the guy who was helping us take, didn't get it. And i didn't realize it until much later in the night. So no pictures for that. But here was the really nice birthday cake that i didn't get to eat. Notice that the cake is quite small? And to be able to cut 17 slices out of it already took a huge miracle on my part. Plus i'm quite hopeless at cutting cakes. Anyway, i actually was pretty close. Did 16 slices. So i skipped eating the cake. =( But still, was glad for the first and only cake i cut for my birthday this year!
Cake from Crystal Jade
Headed to Dragonfly soon after that. There was Me, Maurice, Pic, Esther, Wen Biao, Lindy, Mich, Jeannie, Donald, Ken, Stephen and Linda. 2 different groups of people and this year round, didn't even bother to sit together. So i just moved around a little, hanging out with both groups. Other then the fact that there was a huge crowd, the place was jam packed, and my first drink didn't come for close to an hour, the rest of the night was pretty enjoyable. Although i failed miserably in my mission to get myself drunk, i had a rather good time.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who smsed me, called me, wrote me emails, notes, sent me greeting cards and basically those that remembered my birthday! It feels good to know that you remembered! Especially to the group of people that called just before midnight and passed the phone around, i'm still trying to figure out who the last guy was. There was Hui Yan, Eldhi, Louise, Pete, Tracey, and who was the other guy? Hmmm... Anyway, thanks everyone. And here are some pics of the night!




So that's basically how my 28th Birthday went! =)