Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me

Received a lot of well wishes for my birthday. But funny that a lot of people think my birthday is on the 29th instead of 30th. Even superman sms me. And i remember telling him that we're partying on Wednesday, 30th. Hmmm. Guardian sms me too to wish me Happy birthday. Then i replied him thank you, but think my birthday tomorrow. Then he replied, today not 30th meh? Haa... Well, credit to him for remembering the date. Though, i suppose after 12 years, if he got the date wrong, i would have been very very upset. JaJa's reply was probably the cutest though, she said, that's why he's worth dumping. Hee... Joe remembered too, which was really sweet. The ENR people wished me happy birthday too. And that was nice. I suppose that's why we have friends.
But somehow, despite all that, i don't feel very birthday-ie. Maybe coz of all the things that have happened recently. Or maybe coz this year i didn't go away prior to my birthday. Or maybe coz this year i didn't start 1 week ahead and partied/ karaoked the whole week away. But somehow, this year, i just didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. But, will still go out later tonight with Superman and gang and drink. It's really just an excuse for them to drink. Ha...
Honestly, if you asked me what i really want for my birthday this year, all i want is a slice of cake. Last year, i cut birthday cake like 5 times, the year before 6. And this year, i have yet to cut a birthday cake. I don't need a whole cake, just a slice will do. Last year was in KL before my birthday, 2 years and the year before, was in HK. And before that, i would always go away. But with all that had happened at work, with Dad going for surgery, with Mum and Dad fighting incessantly, i didn't go away this year. And maybe that's why i'm feeling so non-birthday-ie. Or maybe coz every year, either Guardian or TG would celebrate with me. Or rather, both would celebrate with me but on different days. This year, it all feels different. I suppose things change, people change but no matter what, we must all move on. But somehow, this year feels different. Anyway, its only been an hour plus. Hopefully the rest of the day will look up. If not, then i really have an excuse to be pissed drunk later tonight. Right? =)

Well, Happy 28th birthday to me and here is probably the best song to sum up how i feel.

Great bike ride

Alright. Just came home from training and picking Dad up coz couldn't leave Mum and Dad alone at home alone. So dropped him off before going for my run and bike session with the ENR people. Great ride for me today, though i cramped for the first time after riding. But i suppose it's worth it. Managed to hit a max speed of 38km/h. Eh, max meaning, hit then that's it. But still, it felt great, even if for a minute only. But, after hitting that speed, i was out. Felt my legs hurting, my lungs burning. So, speed went down to between 28-32km/h. Still felt great, coz final average speed was 28km/h. Managed to keep the tail lights in sight for like 6km before they pulled away. Probably about the time where my legs were burning. But felt good today. Also managed to squeeze in a 8km run before biking. Pace was about 6min/km. So, not too bad. Rather pleased with myself actually =)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

eh... Song?

His song, but reflects the words in my heart! =) Jordan Chen

I love my parents

Yes, everyone love their parents to a certain degree. And i guess i just want to reaffirm the fact that i really do love my parents. No matter how much nonsense they throw at me year after year, i still think at the bottom of my heart, i really do love and care for them.
But, there will come some days where i just feel like telling them to F**k off and grow up and get a life. I have my own childish moments. I know that. And i admit that there are times, where i can be annoying and there are times where i want my own way, especially with the people that care for me and adore me lots. But i am also a firm believer of balance. When i'm wrong, i will apologize. Often i think for my friends and think how they would feel in the given situation and i let an issue drop. I am not always difficult nor do i live in a world where i place myself above all others.
Why am i up at 2.30 in the morning blogging about this, is because, the drama has just come to an end. For tonight at least. I have never blogged about the problems that i face at home only coz i don't want or need sympathy. And i believe Chinese people have a saying, jia chou bu ke wai yang. Meaning don't air your dirty laundry in public. Especially so when it comes to the family.
But today, i finally lost my cool and i'm not proud about it. Some of you may know about what is going on as i have filled you in from time to time. Some of you, have been such long time friends with me that you know the struggles i had each step of the way. And i seldom lose my cool. I've always been known as the person who has amazing tolerance and patience.
This evening, after rushing home from office, i went for swim training. After a really tough training where i couldn't keep up and didn't manage to finish the workout, i went for dinner with the team. When i came home, apparently the drama was already on the roll. Both dad and mum had not had dinner. And we're talking about 11 plus here. I believe dad is a tough man. And that there is a lot that he can handle. And he is a emotionally and mentally a lot stronger then i am. But i also know that after 5 years of fighting, it has taken it's toll on Dad.
Many years ago, while mum was struggling with depression, there were nights where Dad would call and tell me that mum is missing. Mum had always been a very homely person. And would never venture out without us at night. But during that period, she would disappear every couple of days, and often, she would call to say goodbye and that she wanted to end her life. Sometimes, people would call and say that she looked like she was going to jump off a building and we would rush to the scene. Other times, we would be searching the estate for her.
Then when the depression looked set to go away, along came the fainting spells. We would get calls from complete strangers saying that she was at this part of Singapore or that part and she had fainted. Or she was lying on the ground. Once again, we would go and pick her up. And before you ask why didn't we send her to see a doctor or anything, it doesn't work coz she refuses to. She thinks its a conspiracy on our part to place her in a mental institution so that we would not have to deal with her, when all we want to know is that she is fine and things are alright.
I'm not even sure what the real problem is. Whether it is depression still or whether she is just sick. Whether physically or mentally coz she refuses to let us accompany her to see the doctor, and every time i send her to the clinic for her check ups or to the hospital for her check ups, she refuses to let me talk to the doctor. I've tried calling the doctors that she goes to based on the medication and medical chits that she has in her bag, but none of the doctors would tell me jack shit. Most claim that there is a doctor patient confidentiality, while some say that mum has given strict orders for them not to divulge anything to us.
And so this drama goes on and on, with us worrying about her health, and all the little pills that she pops in her mouth, not knowing what they are for. And her pulling a new rabbit out of her bag each time. Tonight, she turned violent for the first time. I'm not sure if this is normal and it happens in stages. But when she went after Dad with the knife tonight, it pissed me off big time. Sometimes, i don't even know if she is aware of what is going on, like while she was trying to knife Dad, she seemed almost hysterical. But after the bout of hysteria, she was rather logical. Telling me that if she killed Dad, she would get away with it as she could site that she has depression.
Honestly, when i cam home, all i wanted to do was hit the sack and go and sleep. But with such a huge drama going on, how could i? So i appeased everyone, and i brought Dad out for dinner coz his diabetes was through the roof. I left mum at home only coz she refused to go out and eat. There was no way i could split myself up in two and i knew dad needed to talk, to rant, to vent to have an outlet for his feelings. ANd why he didn't walk away earlier was coz mum kept his car and home keys. That in itself is another story.
So, after accompanying dad, i came home, sat on my bed, logged on to facebook and trifam forum, when along came mum into the room. I knew she wanted to talk. To hopefully gain a listening ear. Although all i wanted was to finish reading postings, read some market reports and head to bed, i did the only thing i could do for her. So she talked, i listened, she cried, i consoled. But i really can't help it if i am very tired and i have heard all that she said a million and one times. Like she repeats them on a daily basis for the last 5 years. So if you do the math, that's 5*365 times i've heard those stuff. Alright, i'm exaggerating. Not quite a million yet. So, finally, in the nicest way possible, i asked her if this could wait till tomorrow as i was really really tired. And i really really needed to sleep. I was already off schedule to sleep by like 1.5hrs. SO she was still crying, sobbing really, and she stood up, said no one cared, when she fainted.
Sigh. It was like 1am in the morning and what do you do when a person faints? She wouldn't talk, i got her into a sitting position before she slumped over. Dad of course was locked away in another room asleep. So, i tried to carry her into her room, onto her bed, and it didn't work. I was obviously not strong enough to do this on my own. Plus, she said she was feeling really unwell when she finally came to. She said she felt horrid and wanted to go see a doctor. I woke Dad up and told him what happened. Dad got up, got changed, and i got changed and we were ready to bring her to the hospital. But she suddenly got hysterical again and said that she never asked to go to the hospital, and said that we were now conspiring all over again.
So we coaxed, we fought, we shouted, we really tried all methods to get her to go see a doctor, but she refused. Not to mention she scratched me. And she kicked Dad. Just exactly what do you do when your Mum is like that? I wish someone gave me a book on how to deal with mothers because apparently i didn't get my copy of it. So, do you go to sleep when ur mum has just fainted and refuses to see the doctor? Or do you stay up and watch over her in case something else happens? And i hate to leave Dad to take care of her all night long coz i know that lack of sleep doesn't do much good for him for his diabetes and him still recuperating from his surgery.
There are times when i wish i could be as detached as Kor. Everytime i tell him what happens at home, his only reply was, and u wonder why i move out. But because i truly love my parents, i cannot do so. Nor do i want to do so. But at the same time, i am so tired of this 5 year long drama, and wonder how many more years of this i would have to take? For 5 years, i have never shouted back at mum when she gets hysterical. Coz i understand that it's probably not in her control.. Nor have i fought her, or sweared at her. Tonight, i did all of that. I fought her, i cursed and swear, the F word came out a couple of times and i really shouted at her. I know that doesn't help the situation, but i was very tired and frustrated. And i really don't know what else to do. Really. I don't know what to do to help, to make the situation better, to turn the situation around. And it is this that is eating me inside out.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The things i lack

I should be attempting to finish up my work as fast as possible, head home, change and head for swim training. But instead, i am still sitting here, with huge amount of work not done, the prospect of another long night at work and best of all BLOGGING!
Alright. I admit. I have lousy time management. And really bad judgment of time. Like whenever i come into office at 2pm, after lunch appointment, thinking that i'll be out by 4pm, with my work done up, it never happens. Just like when i say i'm just popping by office to pick some stuff up and i'm out of there, never happens. Why? Hmm.. Its something that i really want to know as well.
I guess i can think of many many reasons, and all of them stem from the lack of discipline. Like when i'm in office and someone else asks me to help with something, i hardly say no. Although i know it takes time away from the stuff that i need to get done, i can't seem to say no. I have to finish this and rush off. Instead, i'll get dragged away for some time, and when i get back, a round of chit chat, walking to the water cooler, going for a smoke, and suddenly i realise it's time for my next appointment. And i have yet to get anything done. And so, after my appointment, again i head into office, and the same thing happens again and again. The only time i ever get any work done is late in the evening after dinner appointments. When there is practically no one else in office except me. That's when the work gets completed. Damn...
And that's not the only thing i seem to have a problem with. Besides horrid time management and judgment of time, i also cannot seem to keep my table top cleared of items, papers etc. I allocate a day a week to do clear all paperwork, clear up the desk etc, and it seems that before the allocated day of the week, the table is already in a huge mess and i have to spend time clearing up the stuff. Once, i tried to cheat and dumped all the stuff in my cupboard in a file, thinking i'll clear the file on paperwork day. Never happened. And the papers keep accumulating and suddenly, one day, while i'm opening my cupboard, i realise that i've built quite a huge mess. That doesn't look like my cupboard at all.. Hmmm
But i think that the thing that irritates me most about myself and i am able to identify it, is that i lack discipline. I think that one word sums up the problems i'm facing today and every day. I seem to be constantly running out of time, having a huge backlog at work, not getting things done, running late etc.
Here's a typical day. I've set the alarm at 6am. I wake up at 6.15am. Coz i spent 15 minutes snoozing. And the rest of the day is typically summed up by this 15 minute gap. Sure, i can cut short my run time by 15 minutes, and make up the rest of my schedule. But somehow, even if i cut short the run, run shorter distance, less, there still seems to be a 15 minute gap that i'm trying to catch up with the whole day. To make matters worse, the gap increases with each activity that i do the whole day. So by evening time, when i have an appointment, i realise i have to push it back by sometimes about an hour.
So, i reassess all the things that i've done till date, and asked myself just what was wrong. And i'm thinking what i lack in is discipline, peppered with a huge tolerance for procrastination, plus the lack of urgency. I have tried different methods, but have come to realize i'm quite a scatterbrain. So, i've resorted to writing out a list of things i need to do, preferably in steps every morning and the time line for everything. And i do my darnest to keep to the timeline, and yet, i am still off schedule. I've tried to allocate more time for activities and even factor in time to go to the toilet, to smoke on the hour. I've tested out this theory all week last week, and i am still behind. Of course along the way, there is this little voice at the back of my mind that says, eh, never mind lah. As long as things get done eventually, doesn't really matter. But it still irritates me. And so, for the whole of this week and next, i will keep to my timings and see if it improves.
Funny, but i think i need to work out a reward and 'punishment' thingee for myself and maybe that will spur me to keep to my timings better and work towards clearing my to-do list everyday. And therefore, leave me more time over the weekend to do the things i really want to do, read a book or chill out, without having to see a long list of to-do items that never seem to get struck off my list. =)

Friday, April 25, 2008

Silly Monkey

Eh, i know i'm a silly monkey. And sometimes even i cannot understand myself. Sigh.. But no guesses to who called me just and made my day. Sorta. Actually i was not sure who it was. Just registered a missed call on my phone. So i called back and his voice filtered over the phone line. I know i am supposed to be way over him... But can i be entitled to a couple of minutes to swoon over the fact that he called. Although i admit i called him 2 days ago and he was returning my call.
Anyway, he said he called coz he knew i was feeling upset. And really, i was the past couple of days. But i sorta worked it out last night and felt much better. Then again, it's always nice hearing his voice. And in his own goofy way, he makes me smile despite me saying i am angry with him. And yes, i was angry with him coz he forgot about my upcoming birthday. And he did promise to spend time together since we have not been spending much time together recently. Anyway, he probably knew i was upset with him. And really, when i put down the phone, i was feeling rather indifferent.
And he texted and i admit. I couldn't decide at that point whether i hated him more or loved him more. But the muscles around my mouth did twitch upwards even if it was for a while.
Ok. I've said it. And i admit i'm a silly monkey, silly goose. And we're so past each other. But, its still sweet of him to call. And end of the day, he still allows me to throw my silly tantrums once in a while and let me get away with it! Right.. Now that i'm done swooning over it, i can get on with the rest of the day and work that i have to get done and run him out of my mind and be just a little more determined to not make his words make me exceptionally happy as he always has the propensity to disappoint me... =P

And this song gave me strength



I heard this song 13 years ago. And it gave me strength then. Just like hearing it now again so many years later, it gives me the courage to go on.

African Children's choir

Ok! The other song here.. as i don't know how to add two videos in one post. Plus this is one of my all time favorite groups!

Reflections

It was one of my new year resolutions to restore my relationship with GOD, among other things. Somehow, at the back of my mind, this has always been the missing link in the things that i have been doing. While i might claim to have been a very staunch christian while i was growing up, along the way i backslided quite a bit. And restoring my relationship with GOD has always been on my mind and yet, something that i never went about making a conscious effort. I suppose there is a time and place for everything. And everything happens for a reason.
In the past couple of months, i have been struggling with issues that have been bugging me and turned my life topsy turvy. And i am ashamed to say, that it was only in my greatest time of need did i look to GOD for an answer. For the non believers who are reading this, you might scoff and laugh at what i am writing. But for the believer in you, i am really thankful and greatful to GOD for giving me an answer and shedding me light when i felt there was none. It didn't make my problems and issues magically disappear or solved. But with his strength and support, i am sure there is no problem too big that i cannot solve with his help.
It was in particular two bible versus that got me thinking, plus words of encouragement from friends and family. All of us have GOD given gifts and talents. Some of us are very good in sports, some of us are very intelligent. Some of us are great at fixing things, at being a teacher, a coach. Some people are great chefs, fantastic singer. Some people are great in doing big tasks, see the big picture most of the time, while others are good at the little things, acts of thoughtfulness and extremely detailed. And this is reflected in the following 2 bible versus. The parable of the Talents.
In the parable, as told by Matthew and Luke, different people were given different amounts of gold coins and asked to do as much as possible with them. And each came back with different results. As with the the parable, all the gifts and talents we have today are gifts from GOD. Our gifts and talents are likened to the gold coins. And since we do have these gold coins, we can simply do our best to trade them and gain more coins or to allow these gifts, these golden coins to multiply, just like the first and second servant did in Jesus' parable. The gold coin in itself is not a reward, but a responsibility and obligation. The servant that received 5 talents gained 5 more after putting his talents to work. The servant that received 2 talents gained two more. While the man who received one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
When the master came back, and asked for an account of his talents, he said to the first and second servant: Wel done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. To the last servant who dug the hole in the ground, he said; Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talnets. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.
Interestingly, it was a person called Matthew that brought my attention to this parable. I am not a pastor nor have i gone through any bible study classes. In fact, i will merely interpret the parable in my own layman's manner. And i suppose the gist of it all is that, each of us, meaning ME included, have received something from GOD. Be it a small talent or big talent, i did receive something. And it would be a waste to dig a hole and keep it there, when i could probably go on out and do more with what was given to me. And if i had received only 1 talent, i would like to make 1 more. Then i have 2, and i would like to make 2 more. And it goes on and on. I suppose, with the geometric progression (i think), at some point of time, i would have many talents.
Anyway, interpret this parable any way you want. But i am glad that this person told me this story and i picked up my bible and read the parable and prayed on it. It might not be the most perfect of interpretations, but i guess it'll do for now.

Matthew 25:14-29
Luke 19: 11-26

Have i figured it all out yet? Well, slowly but surely i am. And i'm positive things will all work out eventually. I leave you with two songs that i adored as a child.


Thursday, April 24, 2008

What races to do this year?

This was what i posted on 30th January this year:
"Upcoming races would be:
NUS biathlon 17 Feb
Singapore Biathlon 1 March.

Then i have a huge gap till OSIM triathlon and Aviva Half Ironman.
Army half marathon
Standard Chartered Masters Swim
And finally the Standard chartered marathon end of the year.

Other races i'm thinking of would be Lion City Marathon. Might do another Triathlon such if i can find it. And probably one more run/aquathlon.

Haven't really gotten it planned out yet. But i'm hoping to not have too big a gap between races coz i would lose focus and get bored. Ha..."


So basically NUS biathlon is over and i missed Singapore Biathlon due to flu. And i have been slacking coz i haven't signed up for any races coz i was unsure of what i wanted to do. So in typical Singaporean style, when cannot decide, just go sign up for everything and anything. This is basically what i have found out so far!
So basically, now i've gotten the dates, its a matter of signing up. Psst.. the only race i've signed up for so far is the Army Half. Hee.. But need to decide on Saab by tonight. Early Bird ends tomorrow.. So refuse to pay more for procrastination!

08 Jun: Saab City Duathlon 10km (R) 40km (B) 5km (R)
29 Jun: Lion City Marathon - No news on this one yet. But probably doing it.
12-13 Jul: Osim Triathlon 1.5km (S) 40km (B) 10km (R)
19 Jul: Port Dickson Triathlon 1.5km (S) 40km (B) 10km (R)
3 Aug: King of the Road 21km (R)
16 Aug: Desaru Long Distance Triathlon 2km (S) 90km (B) 21km (R)
24 Aug: Army Half Marathon 21km (R)
07 Sept: Aviva 70.3 1.9km (S) 90.1km (B) 21.1km (R)
05 Oct: Tri Ladies Triathlon - No updates yet
09 Nov: Powerman Malaysia - haven't found out much yet abt this as well
07 Dec: SCSM 42km (R)

Other things i am interested in but have not had any updates yet are the Fuji Xerox Open Water swim, Singapore Masters Swimming and NIE Biathlon.
There, the list looks comprehensive and some races are pretty close to one another. But the aim is to go out and have fun and complete the race. Considering i've only done 1 biathlon before, every thing will be a first for me. So lots of PBs to collect. Not sure if i have the time and motivation to see all the races through. But the highlighted ones are the ones that i've decided on. The rest is anyone's guess. =)
So now, need to go website and sign up for races. And start getting off my lazy ass to train now i have something to look forward to! It has been a slow 2 months. Hee

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy people vs unhappy people

Have you ever wondered why some people are constantly happy while others are constantly unhappy. Why some people look forward to each day with renewed zest and passion while some live in angst and fear?
I had a rather interesting conversation today with someone. And this topic came up. So before i go on to tell you what the gist of the conversation was, let me pose you this question. If today, you were an athlete, or in school, or at work for that matter. And you were lets say taking half hour to run your 2.4km, or getting 40 marks in school, or earning $20,000. Would you be happy? This is considering your peers were taking 10 mins to run their 2.4km, getting 90 marks and earning $70,000. And should you have an improvement, lets say you were getting better, 20 minutes for ur 2.4km, getting 70 marks, and earning $40,000. Would you be happier along the way, or sad that you are still not catching up with your peers?
I suppose everyone has a different sort of thinking and everyone will have their own forms of justification as to why they think in certain manner. Here's the thing, the people who are happier are usually the people who give themselves a pat on the back every time they improve and keep working towards greater improvement every day. They are the ones who wake up with renewed zest and passion and strive for greatness. While the second group of people, live in angst and fear. Fearful that they might never match up, fearful that they would not progress. And for some, fearful that should they put in their best, they would still not match up and be totally disheartened by it.
Let's say both groups of people put in the same amount of effort and are achieving the same results, then in the long run, it is the first group of people that will show greater improvement and find themselves climbing higher and attaining more in life. And all it takes is a shift in mindset.
Why you might ask? Coz from the time we were born, each and everyone of us, worked best and well with encouragement and support. Think of your friend's new born child or even yourself as a kid. The kind of environment that you were in was a very naturing environment. Each brand new step you took was marked with encouragement and praise. And that was probably how you learnt to speak and how you learnt to walk. And from walking, you learnt to run, to jump.
And that is why the people who are happier generally perform better then their peers who are unhappy. The unhappy group of people might find that the task is too uphill and give up. Or be constantly struggling with their inner emotions of not succeeding and losing focus on the goal that is in mind.
I haven't quite figured everything out just yet. Hoping to hear some response as to what you think is true or not? Does this argument hold true and is it valid?

'Fess up

Ok! I confess. I had a lazy swimming session just now. Sometimes i wonder if it's just my mind playing me or am i really in control of my mind. Anyway, went to join the Trifam people for Monday swims after not swimming for like 3 weeks. Eh, i admit if this was a race, i probably DNS. Yeah, i got into the pool, went about swimming, but didn't push hard at all. Basically i just went through with the motion, but my heart was not there already. So physically i swam, mentally, i was probably at home sitting on the couch watching tele. On a scale of one to ten, i would say i gave it probably 50%. I guess i was plain lazy and of course i could come up with a million and 1 reasons why i didn't push myself, but i would probably be lying.
But, on the flip side, i guess i just wanted to ease back into training. After all, i really haven't been training for goodness knows how long that i didn't want the first session to be one of any mishap. Anyway, my leg was hurting as well. So i guess 50% ain't all that bad =P
So basically it was a relatively easy session for me. I didn't even complete the workout. But i'm entitled to some off days i guess.. Haa... Anyway, will be getting back into the flow of things. Have slacked off long enough. And really need the adrenaline flow and all. Plus, i think i am starting to get flabby. Not a good thing. *shakes head
Eh, still thinking of what races i want to do this year. Just feels weird i guess. I know i planned on doing some races earlier this year, but somehow, i have had a change of heart. And now i am super undecided. I guess i have some thoughts. One would be to spend this year just building base, getting fitter, stronger, and then start racing next year. The down side to this is, because i have no races to look forward to, i don't feel compelled to put in more hours to train. However, if i start racing too early, and i don't do well, i will get disheartened. Double edged sword i suppose. I suppose this is another thing i would probably have to sort out on my own and will have a conclusion before my birthday!
Eh, on to another topic. Superman called earlier this morning and asked if i wanted to go to Borocai (not sure how it's spelt) with them next month. I was about to agree. After all, this was meant to be last year's trip. Since we went to Shanghai early on in the year, we didn't get a chance to go away together after that. But, it seems to be a couple's trip. Superman and wife, Maurice and gf to be hopefully, and another couple. So i figured, if i really did go, it would be kinda weird. Anyway, still waiting for a friend to reply. If he goes, then it's probably the same group that went to Shanghai plus Maurice and gf to be. Then probably i would reconsider my answer. It's been ages since we last went away together. Still considering... Hmm.. to go or not to go...
Plus point, it has a beautiful beautiful beach! And nice clear waters. And a whole 10 days at a beach resort.. My kind of life. Minus point, expensive and i am feeling very non couple-ly at the moment. Haa... Oh well, will sleep on it and maybe i will have a vision in my dreams! Nitez u all!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Running, running away.

My friend came by for a visit and left. I yet again felt that weekend came and left altogether, too fast.
Have been feeling down for some time already. And i know i must pull myself together, take that step forward and stop looking back. In fact, i think i have been doing the dance for a really long time now. Some days, i wake up with renewed passion and zest and tell myself that i need to take a step forward. Others, i just want to crawl right back into bed so that i can delude myself into maybe thinking that things are alright and things will straighten themselves out. Whoever said you'll cross the bridge when you get there was obviously lying!
I know i have been using trainings and sports as my own way of running away from reality. And that at some point, i will have to wake up to it all and face my fears, and my problems. But i honestly am quite hopeless in thinking of a solution and my hands are pretty tied!
The last two weeks have been probably the hardest. With dad going to hospital and the other stuff i had to deal with, i began to feel a little crack in the wall that i had so bravely put up. Didn't manage to get any training done and therefore, had no real avenues to run myself into. And as my birthday approaches, i have less and less time to come up with a concrete plan and settle things. Oh.. i know that the dateline is something that i imposed. But i really feel like i need to settle stuff and get things done. It seems like a perpetual cycle, and as long as the problem is not solved or there is no conclusion, i will forever be walking around in circles. The last time i felt this way was probably 3 years back. Damn...
Funny how, with experience and with age, one is supposed to know how to deal with problems better. But for me, i feel like the harder i dig, the deeper i get rooted in. And as abstract as it may sound, you cannot imagine the amount of anxiety i am feeling. Sighz
Going to head to the pool now. Yes, i am once again running away from the things i need to do and settle, rather then going for swimming, but is it too much to say that i can't deal with it now? Or maybe i'll think better after swimming?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Looking forward to my friend weekend coming!

Why am i up at 4.30 in the morning? Not coz i am up early and ready to go riding. But rather, i am waiting for my hair to dry so i can sleep. Tot i'll drop a couple of lines here and hopefully head to bed soon.
The whole week has been rather hectic. I've been playing driver all week for the family. I guess someone has to be doing the errands, ferrying people back and forth =) Dad is much better now. I am just hoping everything the doctor says is positive tomorrow except that his diabetes is much higher then i'll like it to be. But then, nothing much i can do about it coz he's a grown man. Just that every time i turn my eyes away for a while, he is reaching out for something to munch.. Hmmm.. Not good not good.
But, i guess that's him. If he didn't do that, he wouldn't be dad. =)
Managed to pop by office a little while this afternoon. Moved office again. And best part was, no one informed me. No, i don't have an insecurity issue. That people must call me when they do stuff. Just that someone apparently packed all my things for me (nice them) into carton boxes before they moved the cupboards. Except, my boxes are no where to be found (not so nice them) and when i went around asking, everyone said they didn't touch anything (HORRID).
So now i have an empty cupboard, with nothing inside. No files, no documents. But most importantly, no laptop. I guess if there is a silver lining to every cloud, i don't have to bother packing my cupboard, which i have been meaning to do for the longest of time. Just need to get the laptop back coz all my important stuff is inside. Damn..
So coz i was in a really crappy mood, i decided to go for a ride after i got home just now. Was close to 11pm when i set off from home to meet my friend at Jalan Kayu. After 26+km, 1 hr, and many slopes later, i was finally there. Panting i might add. The journey back seemed shorter and easier although i was definitely more tired!
And so, here i am, listening to the patter of rain outside my window. Good thing i got home before the rain started. I'm sure the big guy up there loves me. Makes sure i'm home and snuggled in bed before letting it rain =)
Oh, i found a really interesting person on facebook earlier. A person whom i so admire and respected but felt i let down towards the end of my short lived career in track and field. Namely field. Who else could it be. The lady that probably gave me nightmares when i was in college. My first experience of goal setting must have surely been taught by her. And why i can train like crazy and not bitch and moan, is proabably thanks to her as well. So i guess, i do owe her a lot. And it's good to see she is still as fit as ever. I'll definitely be looking forward to catching up with her real soon. Thanks Miss Poon for being an inspiration!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Monday Bluesssssssssss

What a hectic day it was for me. Loads of running around and being really really tired. Today, i had a choice of whether i should go for swimming or not. I passed it up. From the choice i made, i have come to realize that family trumps over sports at this point of time for me. Figured it would be rather pointless for me to go for training when my heart won't be there.
Was actually rather preoccupied with Dad having the op tomorrow. I know the doctors have reassured me like 1 million and 1 times. Even Dad seemed pretty cool about it. But, somehow, i am still feeling rather uneasy about it. I guess it has to do with the fact that Dad is diabetic. And all the horror stories that happen to be true of people going in for an operation and being diabetic at the same time, that wounds refuse to heal, infection of the area etc. And of late, i have been attending so many funerals that it's not a joke. And maybe i am getting paranoid. But the last two wakes i went to, people were telling me their parents were admitted to hospital for some small problem, then the problem escalated into some blood infection and i don't have to tell you what happened to them right?
And so, i have been rather worried. There are probably a million what ifs that are going through my head even at this very precise moment. Yes. I know that no amount of worrying would make a difference. And yet, i still worry. Silly right? But then again, dad and i share an extremely unique relationship. I would say, he is my NO. 1 fan and best best friend. He is the person i respect the most, and surely the person i adore most in the world. Of course the feeling is mutual. =) Plus nothing is too much or too difficult for him when it comes to his girl. And i am sure in his heart, i will and am always his baby girl.
I can list the things that he has done for me, but it would take forever to write it all out. But i simply cannot imagine him not being around for me. So i will be praying extra hard and long tonight that when tomorrow arrives, all my worries will be unfounded when he safely comes out of the operating theatre tomorrow and when he gets discharged.

The Week summed up

The whole week has been a super duper slack week for me. Did not train all week except for a short ride this morning. And i wouldn't even consider that training really. Sighz
But seriously lacking the motivation to rouse myself out of bed and hit the pool, put on my running shoes or even bring the bike down and out! Plus work has been rather hectic. Ok, i admit. Partly due to the fact that i've been clocking many hours playing mahjong this week as well. Really miss those good old mahjong days. Anyway, like i wrote in my previous post, Monday and Tuesday flew by. Both nights also i played mahjong after work. Therefore, was too damn tired to wake up early to train. Then morning didn't wake up early enough to join Dawn Riders for a ride. Was supposed to run, but kept procrastinating. Then had to go meet client. And then, at night liaoz. Thought i'll sleep early so will wake up early on Thursday to train. But when i was home, a friend that i haven't seen like in 4-5 years suddenly sms me. Then ask if i was free to meet up and chill.
So i figured if he hasn't called for so long, then it must be something rather important for him to call out of the blue. I always thought we were the friends that didn't really need to see each other all the time, but somehow always knew that we would be there for each other. Of course over the course of the last couple of years, there have been a couple of sms/calls, but we've both never really made the effort to meet up. Nothing romantic ever transpired between us of course. Purely platonic, more like a big brother little sister kind of thing. Especially since we even worked with each other before.
So met up with him, my gut instincts were right. Indeed he was troubled with problems and wanted a listening ear, plus someone to help distract him by talking non stop. Who better to call? Ha... We chatted till close to 6 in the morning, before i headed home to take a short nap before heading out for a lunch appointment. I felt like a zombie the whole day, but my client said i looked pretty fresh. I was impressed. Anyway, wanted to run in the evening with Safra people, but it was raining on and off. And when i got home to get my gear, it was raining at my place. Thinking that the run would be cancelled due to the rain, i didn't go. But heard they ran anyway. Damn. So Thursday also went by with me not doing anything.
Friday is typically my rest day. But figured haven't train all week so don't really need the rest day. Was about to head to the swimming pool when dad asked if i could help with him with some stuff. And his some stuff basically took the rest of the morning and afternoon away. Went to turf club to help him in the evening. And Friday was almost over. Made plans with people to meet them for rides on both Saturday and Sunday, but alas, it seemed that every conceivable element was against me. I had food poisoning on Friday night. Felt horrid the whole night, stayed up late as well coz was sitting downstairs with a friend who needed a listening ear. Figured since my friend came all the way over from Jalan Kayu, i should just be helpful.
Finally went to bed at close to 4am. And still felt horrid. Couldn't sleep well. Felt weak all over. Woke up at about 8am. But was really darn tired and feeling lousy, so off to bed again at 9am and slept till about noon this time. Didn't know what to do. So lazed around the house for about an hour, too damn scared to eat, so just drank whatever energy stuff there was at home. Visited the toilet a couple more times, before feeling slightly better. By evening, i was feeling 60% recovered. But figured i didn't want to risk arranging to ride with a friend, for fear of not being able to make it. So cancelled our Sunday morning ride. Then went to play mahjong with the guys. Went toilet twice in the game. But they were damn patient. Haa....
Came home, decided to rest early. And hope i feel better in the morning. Woke up, Sunday liaoz. And actually woke up pretty early since i slept really early as well. It was like 4 plus when i opened my eyes. Then i figured, since i am feeling quite alright, maybe i would join Dawn riders for a ride this morning. So set the alarm for 5.30 and went back to sleep. Figured if i could wake up, then i'll join them. Less pressure. And i actually did fall asleep and woke up just as the first alarm went off. Figured it was a sign to go and ride, so got up, got out of bed, changed and washed up and headed out. Not too bad, short ride, about 30km. Average speed was about 27+km/h.
But had to head back rather then join them for the second part of the ride. Today was MC King's bday if he was still alive. And a group of us had arranged to go see him at Mandai crematorium. So, was there by about 9.30. Huge jam coz there were so many people who were still doing the Ching Ming thing. Stayed there till about 11 plus, before heading back home to shower. Was supposed to go catch a movie with Pic and Jamie, but couldn't find the show we wanted to watch. Apparently it wasn't out yet. So i decided to take a nap instead. Took a nap, then woke up and decided i really really wanted to catch a show today. It's been ages since i caught a show. The last show being the water horse. So, scrolled through all the available shows, and finally settled on Bucket List coz i figured it would be a nice show to give my friend a different perspective of his problems and hopefully make him feel better.
So booked the tix, and was off to catch the show. All in all, a rather entertaining show, peppered with some humour. But what was great about the show was it was what i felt was one of those dual level shows. One of those feel good movies, go in for some laughs, great acting and walk out feeling rather pleased or, many sub themes and thought provoking. Another one of those wake up call shows. Interesting how it doesn't really matter if you are rich or poor, when GOD decided to take you back to him, all the money in the world wouldn't matter. Of course as seen in the show, being rich has it's perks. Anyway, both Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are great actors. can't go wrong having two huge names in a show. And i think the gist of the show could be summed up when Morgan Freeman was telling Jack Nicholson in ancient Egypt, there decide whether you deserve to go to heaven by asking you two questions. The first, have you found joy in your life? The second, have you given joy to others in your life. Alright i admit, i'm a super sucker for these sort of movie. But hey, it's really good lor... =P
Eh, that about sums up my week till today. Er.. my week's goal the coming week is to stick by my training plan and start running. I think i 3 weeks never run liaoz. Haa....

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Yawn

Somehow the weekend and Monday and Tuesday went by so quickly that i didn't even realize it. Of course it had to do with the fact that i was out on a mahjong marathon, plus helping bro shift house. So, basically the weekend from Saturday looked like this. Saturday, woke up to ride with some of the people from joyriders. Finished, went to Sentosa to join the Tanjong Beach people to swim. Swam one lap, then got out coz i saw jellyfishes. And i had no intention of feeding myself to them. So went for a short run instead while waiting for the rest to finish up their swim. Those brave people. Came home, nua for a while, surf, before heading out to jon's place to play mahjong. Took up the rest of the day. Sunday, woke up late, didn't manage to make it to coastal for cycling, so went back to sleep once again. Went to turf club to help dad. Came home at about 9, before heading out to play mahjong. Jon's shop again. Came home, slept, woke up to realize the weekend had disappeared. Went to Bro's place to pick him up plus help him move stuff. Went to work. Got caught at work, missed swimming training. Felt damn grumpy. Met Bro again to buy stuff with him, and ended up at his place to chill out. After 1 dvd and 1 bottle of wine, i was buzzing... Tired. But then, the lure of so many months of not playing mahjong got to me. So off i went to play mahjong again. Finished at 5 this morning, came home, slept for 2 hrs, before i was up again running errands. Somehow the day flew by super fast, and soon it was 4pm. Came back, took a nap, hoping to wake up in time for ENR tonight. Then somehow, the rain started and ENR was cancelled. So i figured, what the heck, i need some more sleep really. Went back to sleep, woke up for dinner. Again, got a call from Jon asking about mahjong. But i declined. It sure is fun playing mahjong so often. Reminds me of the good old days. But then, i really need to get my sleeping hours right so i can train. Apparently when i get very little sleep, i'm just in no mood whatsoever to train. So no mahjong for me tonight and hopefully will be up early to ride tomorrow =)

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Lazy Friday

Ha.. did nothing of much significance today. Woke up real late. Will not even reveal what time i managed to crawl out of bed. Slept like a pig after being intoxicated. Alas, i've found my cure to insomia. Or rather, 2 nights of practically not sleeping has a roll over effect.
Went to help dad in the evening. And that practically sums up my day. =)
*shakes head* didn't go office either..
*shakes head* didn't train...

Anyway, i've signed up for the army half marathon. That was in my list of to do races from one of my earlier posts. My target time for the run is anything below 2hr 30min. But will update closer to the race. That is the time for now. I'm not sure how it works out. If i can do a 21km run below 2hr 30min before Jul, then there will be a likely hood i will sign up for the Aviva 70.3. Although i am seriously thinking and thinking....
But i guess at least i have something to look forward to for now. Something to make me get off my arse and start running again. Once again, i have barely ran the whole week. Looking forward to the weekend coz there is just so much i want to do. =)

Friday, April 04, 2008

Night out

Didn't train today. Coz when it started pouring at about 5pm. Then stopped at about 8pm. Could have gone out to run then, but what to do, already agreed to mit up with friends for a night out! And it was a good night. Haven't been out in a while. Erm, let me correct that. Have not been out drinking for a while now coz i always end up being designated driver. But today, i didn't drive. And considering i haven't slept in 2 days, i'm still amazed at how AWAKE i am after the excessive alcohol intake i had! =)
Reached St James early for once. Was there about 9pm. Alvino invited us for an event. And we all went coz we had nothing better to do obviously. Quite different from most of the events i've been to. Then again, considering its organised by a company that markets hair care products, why am i not surprised i spent an hour watching people cut hair? But it was still interesting. Saw a hair cut that i might be remotely interested in attempting. We'll see.
The firl on the right? Me?

Anyway, still thinking how i'll look in this hairstyle. Sure beats keeping the hair long. =)
Well, we decided to head to Dragonfly to chill out after that. It's been approximately 6 mths since we were last at Dragonfly together. Ever since the focus has been on Luna, the gang has been less inclined to go to Dragonfly. But what can i say? I admit! I am a closet AH LIAN. I super duper love chilling out at Dragonfly. I actually wanted to be home by midnight so i could get some sleep. But i knew when i saw 3 bottles of Chivas on the table that it was going to be a long night. But boy do i miss my whiskey! Haven't had a drop since i started training. But i'm sure i made up for all the loss nights out!
Hung out till about 2 plus, sent Jamie back before Pic and i went for supper and sat down to chat. All in all a really fun night out for me. But sure as hell will not be training again tomorrow. So i guess i just have to make up for it over the weekend.
And i admit. I'm a gadget slut. Have started using my 6500. Kinda hard to sms and keys are hard to press. Still prefer my N73. Well, shan't complain while i try to send my N73 to repair, i have a nice new phone to use. Yes, i know it's my bday present and i should wait for after my bday to use it. But i just couldn't resist. And yes. I thought of Guardian like 100 times today. Although i went out thinking TG might be in town and distract me for the evening. And no, he wasn't there. Apparently he's in KL. Eh, think it's past my bedtime. Some pictures of our night out.


(Clockwise from top left corner: 1) The gang without me, i was photographer, 2) Edwin and Me I look FAT next to him, 3) Jamie and Me I look like her filipino maid, and 4) Group pic with Me but without Alvino, plus the very nice lady who took the picture was obviously less skilled...)

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


--Reinhold Niebuhr

Decadent breakfast

My didn't sleep a wink look
Didn't sleep a wink the whole night. Also not sure why. Maybe coz i was thinking too much the whole night. Maybe coz i was really apprehensive that i was meeting Guardian this morning. For the record, i was meeting him coz Superman is asking for his dvds back and i needed the spare phone coz my N73 crashed on me. It wasn't like i was trying to create an opportunity to meet him. Alright, i was. I could have asked him to drop off the stuff for me, or picked them up and that was it. But when he called this morning, asking if i wanted to go for breakfast, i noticed i was only too eager to agree.
Everything that i imagined was the way it was. Funny how after a while of knowing a person for so long, there is no need for words, just a simple understanding. Aha.. you must be thinking that since i saw him already, i can say anything i want. But, honestly, these were some of my thoughts before i even saw him earlier this morning. I figured that he would have removed doggy from the car. I figured that the car ornaments i gave him would no longer be in the car. And i was right. Ok, doesn't take a genius to figure all these out. Anyway, back to our breakfast.
So, we headed to Macdonald's for breakfast. I can't even remember the last time i had Macs for breakfast. I think it was one of those mornings where we were on our way to jb and stopped at woodlands for breakfast. This was also with Guardian.
My Sausage McMuffin with Egg meal
Anyway, we chatted a little over breakfast. He has put on weight since the last time i met him. Seems to be always the case. Interesting. Every time we are dating, i put on weight, and he loses weight. When we break up, i lose weight and he puts on weight. But i guess the most important thing is that he really looks happier then before. Maybe this girl is having a way positive effect on him. He tells me that she's a really intelligent gal, who's pretty close to his age. So i suppose they could be a better match. If felt a little weird for a while. Somehow, i know he is not comfortable with sharing about another girl with me. I'm also not sure why. Maybe it's damn weird to be sharing information about your current girlfriend with your ex girlfriend.
Anyway, after breakfast, it was time to head home. I was glad we were still able to sit down and have a decent conversation. But the meeting today reaffirmed what i already knew about how i felt for him. I will always have a soft spot for him. Just like although i know he won't be happiest when he is with me, the what if lingers on. Funny he made this statement earlier on, that this girl he is dating is also very smart. Like she can preempt his every movement. Then he said, just like you. Cute. But of course, like with his ex wife, she probably has more attitude then me. But i guess i really can't help it in certain ways. I don't give him very much attitude because that really isn't me. And i guess i really care lots for him and just want him to be happy. So if he is happier with someone else, then it's good to know as well.
Anyway, he sent me back. Hardly a 5 minutes drive away. Yes, there is Macs so near my place but i never go there. Hmmm why is that so. And in the car, he left a paperbag at the passenger seat, and told me the bag was for me. Inside the paperbag, there was the prison break dvds, my MIC phone, and a new nokia 6500 classic phone. The dvds belong to Superman, the MIC phone was an impulse buy, but really really cute, the nokia phone.. ermm..... So i asked him, what the phone was for. And he say, present. For you coz ur N73 spoil. Then i did my usual, can i tell u my car spoil?
My early birthday present!
But it was a pleasant surprise. And a very nice one as it is. Anyway, he said it was my early birthday present. Very early in fact. Anyway, i texted him after that to say it was a nice surprise, it cheered me up and thank you. And his sms reply was really weird. Something like, you're always welcome. Ask me to take good care of myself and always remember to live happy. Funny. Sounds like one of those messages u send to someone you're never going to see again. I suppose i could be reading too much into an otherwise innocent and simple sms. But call it a gut feeling or just too many years of knowing him. Then i sms back to ask how come it seems like he won't see me again, and he didn't reply. But i also understand from my years of knowing him that this is how he operates. Seems like after all these years, he has never upgraded his operating system.
Well, my conclusion is that this is his way of wanting to make up to me. But i'm pass that already. No amount of gifts can fill up the void in which he has left. But not seeing each other over an extended period would also mean we will both move on and live our lives. Or maybe, end of the day, the only person that isn't moving on is myself as it seems like he has moved on ages ago. Well, whatever the case it, i met him, i survived and i didn't break down! =)

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Random thoughts

Its been a couple of weeks since i last sat down, had a cup of coffee and thought about my life in general, how it's moving on and what else i need to get done or do. The last couple of months have just been really jumbled for me. Certain days, i'm not even sure why i crawl out of bed to go for training, or why i go to office to settle stuff that is in fact not in my job scope.
It's supposed to be pretty clear cut. I'm a sales person. My job is to sell. If i can spend some time doing recruitment, then i'm also better off. But recruitment is also like selling. The job of selling our profession or the industry to someone else. But simply put, all other matters don't fall within my job scope. I don't mind teaching someone new about what to do, how to do certain things. But i definitely have no desire to train a new person from scratch. After all, that was one of the main reasons why i refuse to go up to management. But herein lies a problem which i am constantly facing at work. There are 4 of us in my team currently. With the team growing bigger everyday due to massive recruitment exercise going on. Let's talk about my manager. Time of joining HSBC, Feb 2008. My other colleague, the one that stayed on with me, time of joining HSBC, Oct 2007. Then there is the new guy, time of joining HSBC, Mar 2008. And myself, Oct 2005. So from the obvious timelines, i would say i am in fact the person that is the most familiar with procedures and how the company operates. No doubt industry wide, most practices are the same. Products are similar. However, there are still some slight and subtle difference in terms of products and what is the company's stand on things.
Doesn't help that i cannot stand it when i see things done wrongly. I sometimes get irritated especially when it happens right in front of me. And then i will voice it out and soon, i realise that i'm the new person to go to for questions about products, company procedures, ways to do things. I guess there is a flip side to all this. Makes me a more valued team member. Which means people appreciate me being in the team more. Which means eventually when we start selling credit cards and do roadshows, there will be someone watching my back. So i guess it isn't all that bad. I do however miss the old days where all i had to do was sell. And when i didn't know how to do something or want to find out about some company policy, all i had to do was ask. And someone would provide me with an answer that was almost 90% accurate.
As for training, i would be lying if i said i was really motivated. I kinda enjoy swim sessions, running and biking with a group of people that have a common interest. I suppose it'll be real weird to say that despite the training i'm doing, i'm not really looking to do any race any time soon. And don't even bother giving me the its the journey not the ending theory. I am thinking, maybe it's coz i haven't signed up for any races and that's why i don't feel motivated to train. Or rather i feel that training is totally meaningless and pointless. Or it could be the fact that psychologically, i am not prepared to race. That goes back to my huge FEAR.
It's really weird though, coz for a while now i thought i had put it behind me and moved on. But i suppose a part of it still lingers there waiting for the appropriate moment to creep up. I can rationalize all i want about races. That it's finishing the race that matters more then clocking a personal best or beating your competitor. I could rationalize and say that i don't mind coming in last, coz i started the race which is supposedly more important then the position in which you end the race. I understand in any given race, someone has to come in last. I understand that everyone has different standards and that's why some people come in first and some people come in last.
I also know that there is no point in me training non stop and not competing. I somehow feel like i'm back in uni where i know i studied damn hard for my papers. I felt as prepared as i could be, but not really sure at the same time. I'm not sure if you've ever experienced something like that. And on the day of the paper itself, i just didn't turn up. I couldn't do it. Two consecutive semesters in a row and i was out of uni. The fear was just too big a thing for me to handle. I was so damn scared. Over the last couple of years i guess i have not really given myself a chance to try all things new. Or maybe i thought i had dealt with it coz it hasn't resurfaced. But maybe, the truth is, it never had a chance to resurface as i've not competed in any event for a really really long time or taken an exam for a really really long time.
As i looked at the race calendar earlier on today, i put a tick next to those that i was pretty keen in taking part in. Like the duathlon, coz the last time i did it was in 2000 and i only did the run leg while Niaomi did the bike leg, port dickson tri for my first OD race, AHM, desaru half, there was a tick next to Aviva Half as well, and Marathon end year. Then another tick was added to races that i felt i was marginally prepared to take part in or prepared for. None of the races got a second tick. So i was stuck. I sat there staring at the list of races and like a million and one things flowed through my mind. Somehow, i felt as unprepared as when i never even lifted my legs off the couch and headed to train.
I have another thought. Maybe i'll spend this year just running, biking and swimming. And when i've done at least a year of base training, i will start taking part in maybe 2-3 OD events next year, then maybe do a half ironman year after and finally go for my ironman 3-4 years down the road. Maybe i'll feel a little better and feel a little more prepared. BUt then again, there is another part of me that is feeling if i just go with the aim of completion, then i probably don't have to wait such a long time. ARGHHHHHHhh...
I haven't reached any conclusions just yet. But everyday, i see people adding their names and expressing their interest in taking part in this event and that. There is a part of me that wants to put my name down and just do it =) versus lets wait and see. Don't be too anxious to jump coz you are not prepared. I did ask myself though, just what is the benchmark that i was going to set for myself before i knew i was prepared enough to race. And truth is, i have no answer for that really. Maybe all i need is a little encouragement or booster. But i'm also not very sure how that is going to help.
Eh, am i going on and on and on? Ha.. Sometimes, i'm not even sure what i'm rambling on about.. =P Anyway, this is what having too much free time and a coffee in the afternoon will do for you. Seems like the more i think, the more things seem to bug me. Not even sure whether its good or bad. But i guess it's healthy to question your goals and beliefs once in a while and see if they are aligned with what you are currently doing and looking for in life.
On a lighter note, today was a rather relaxed day. Didn't swim today coz i want to do speed work tomorrow at the pool. Went to the track though. Miss the old SPE track quite a bit when i was there in the evening. Really brings back fond memories. Sleeping in the toilet for 4 years during track camps, or before training coz it was the only place that had a nice fan. Went there to do a light workout. Was supposed to pick 800s or 1000s. But settled for 600s. Coz was lazy. Plus i stopped at the 600 point in my first set. So did 10*600. All below 3 minutes. Rest time was a slow jog of another 600m. So all in all, i did 12km. =) Didn't push very hard coz was more interested in finishing the workout. Oh, i also picked my baby up from the shop earlier on today. So i suppose things are alright.
Meeting Guardian tomorrow morning to pick up some stuff that are with him. Having loads of mixed feelings right now. Ok, i know that i really really need to move on with my life and stop thinking about him. And yet, i cannot help it sometimes when he pops up in my mind out of the blue. Anyway, i suppose it's one of those pick and go scenario. Would prefer if we kept our distance at this point of time as i'm still desperately trying to get over him. It's like trying to wipe away 12 years of my life. He's still the only one that can bring tears to my eyes, or occupy my thoughts longer then i'll like it to be. Other men are a dime a dozen for me. But this peculiar man has a really strong hold on my heart. Sighz...
Oh well, when tomorrow comes......

Happy April Fools

Time really flies and its the first day of April already. My first day of April worked out pretty well for me. Managed to fit in a swim, run and bike session all in one day, not forgetting yummy lunch at Muthu's curry and some friendly get together for dinner with the ENR people.
Swim workout was a lazy easy swim. Did 2km. 49mins. A little slower then i would have liked, but i suppose when i went with the intention of a lazy easy swim, i can't expect it to be too fast eh =) Short run session as well before meeting the ENR people for biking. Did 5km, 28 mins. Didn't feel very good on the run, felt i was pushing too hard too fast. Then again, it was my own fault for cutting it so close. Reached east coast at close to 7pm. And i knew if i didn't push hard from the start, i would never finish my run before biking.
Was supposed to bike straight after that, but it started to drizzle. And i was really worried for a while, coz i don't really feel comfortable with riding when the roads are wet. And it was a pretty good thing that everyone else decided it was time for DINNER! Although since i only had lunch at about 3pm, i was hardly in the mood for dinner. Of course, nothing a bowl of east coast's beef kway teow won't solve. =) I wasn't really hungry but i was certain that not even a morsel of food was left in the bowl when i was done with it. We sat around and chatted for a while more, before 3 very garang people decided that they still wanted to bike. It was close to 9plus by then. Jerry asked if i wanted to bike, and i figured why not. After all, i drove 30km to get there, better make it worth my while. And the 5km run felt like i didn't really run today. So i decided to join some of them to bike. It was a rather good session. In fact, i could count the times where my speed dropped below 28km/h. Which is great for me since i haven't been able to keep this pace before. So i guess i must be improving. Another pat on the back for me =)
After the very shiong session for me, i showered and headed down to Genna's father's wake. Another funeral! Sigh. Kinda got me thinking on the long drive home that life really is very fragile. And that living life to the max is probably the only way to live. Coz you never know what will happen tomorrow. I drove pass Guardian's place on the way home though.. And yes, i must admit i did think about him for a sec. Nostalgia creeps in late a night for me most of the time. And i realise i still miss him. But i'm coping and learning each day that there are still a million and one things i want to do and not having him around might not be a bad thing after all. But of course i miss the hugs, the kisses and us snuggling in bed....
Anyway, heard another news while out with my colleagues today. Mr negativity has decided to stay on with the company and has signed the contract. Well, only wish that he will grow up and learn to better deal with people and handle people. If not, he is in for a really tough time with the current changes that company has implemented. I consider myself one of the most adaptable person on the team, and even i am struggling with the changes. Best of luck to him though. I still regard him as a friend, just that i choose not to associate myself with him too often coz his negative attitude and comments rubs off on me. And i guess i've never really been very good with negativity.
Btw, Happy April fools day to you...

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

My baby is down

Sigh, my baby is down. Had a flat on the way to the pool earlier on. And for 2 minutes i thought this was it. Was trying to turn at the cross junction when i felt my back tyre lock. Not sure what it was about really. Of course it didn't occur to me that it was a flat at that point of time. So while i tried to accelerate, i felt the back fish tailed... And i was actually really scared coz there was an approaching car coming. So i fought the bike and we (bike and I) got safely past the cross junction before i managed to bring the bike to the side of the road.
I looked down at my back trye and realised that i had a flat. Hmmm.. somewhere along the way, i must have rolled over something. Damn. But really, for 2 minutes there, i thought that was the end. Considering it was close to 7pm, roads were pretty packed. And not forgetting that on coming car. Whew...
Anyway, i was pretty shaken by it for a while. But decided to still head to the pool since there was nothing very much i could have done at that point of time. Was still shaken at the pool. Which was probably why i swam faster and harder then i normally do at trainings. Adrenaline? Maybe
Did 5*200m all below 4minutes per set and 10*100 all between 1.45-2minutes per set. So either i was still full of adrenaline while i was swimming, i was so shaken i didn't know i was swimming faster, or i have not been pushing myself hard at trainings. Of course i cheated a little and drafted the guy in front of me. But we took turns to lead. =) Well, will know better when i head to the pool myself. Then again, i have been doing many 200s in the last week. Just not been doing longer distances, which i probably will have to soon.. Hee..Best set for the 200s was 3min 49s and best set for 100s was 1min 45s. Will use that as my benchmark and push myself to complete all sets within this timing. Pity i can't sustain this pace for more then 200m though. My 3oo timing is about 6min 40s. Oh well, more training then. But i really think i have to put in more time running. Have been so slack the last two weeks. Did only a 8km run the whole week. =P
Time to hit the sack, and of course pray to GOD to thank him for watching over me =)