Random thoughts

Its been a couple of weeks since i last sat down, had a cup of coffee and thought about my life in general, how it's moving on and what else i need to get done or do. The last couple of months have just been really jumbled for me. Certain days, i'm not even sure why i crawl out of bed to go for training, or why i go to office to settle stuff that is in fact not in my job scope.
It's supposed to be pretty clear cut. I'm a sales person. My job is to sell. If i can spend some time doing recruitment, then i'm also better off. But recruitment is also like selling. The job of selling our profession or the industry to someone else. But simply put, all other matters don't fall within my job scope. I don't mind teaching someone new about what to do, how to do certain things. But i definitely have no desire to train a new person from scratch. After all, that was one of the main reasons why i refuse to go up to management. But herein lies a problem which i am constantly facing at work. There are 4 of us in my team currently. With the team growing bigger everyday due to massive recruitment exercise going on. Let's talk about my manager. Time of joining HSBC, Feb 2008. My other colleague, the one that stayed on with me, time of joining HSBC, Oct 2007. Then there is the new guy, time of joining HSBC, Mar 2008. And myself, Oct 2005. So from the obvious timelines, i would say i am in fact the person that is the most familiar with procedures and how the company operates. No doubt industry wide, most practices are the same. Products are similar. However, there are still some slight and subtle difference in terms of products and what is the company's stand on things.
Doesn't help that i cannot stand it when i see things done wrongly. I sometimes get irritated especially when it happens right in front of me. And then i will voice it out and soon, i realise that i'm the new person to go to for questions about products, company procedures, ways to do things. I guess there is a flip side to all this. Makes me a more valued team member. Which means people appreciate me being in the team more. Which means eventually when we start selling credit cards and do roadshows, there will be someone watching my back. So i guess it isn't all that bad. I do however miss the old days where all i had to do was sell. And when i didn't know how to do something or want to find out about some company policy, all i had to do was ask. And someone would provide me with an answer that was almost 90% accurate.
As for training, i would be lying if i said i was really motivated. I kinda enjoy swim sessions, running and biking with a group of people that have a common interest. I suppose it'll be real weird to say that despite the training i'm doing, i'm not really looking to do any race any time soon. And don't even bother giving me the its the journey not the ending theory. I am thinking, maybe it's coz i haven't signed up for any races and that's why i don't feel motivated to train. Or rather i feel that training is totally meaningless and pointless. Or it could be the fact that psychologically, i am not prepared to race. That goes back to my huge FEAR.
It's really weird though, coz for a while now i thought i had put it behind me and moved on. But i suppose a part of it still lingers there waiting for the appropriate moment to creep up. I can rationalize all i want about races. That it's finishing the race that matters more then clocking a personal best or beating your competitor. I could rationalize and say that i don't mind coming in last, coz i started the race which is supposedly more important then the position in which you end the race. I understand in any given race, someone has to come in last. I understand that everyone has different standards and that's why some people come in first and some people come in last.
I also know that there is no point in me training non stop and not competing. I somehow feel like i'm back in uni where i know i studied damn hard for my papers. I felt as prepared as i could be, but not really sure at the same time. I'm not sure if you've ever experienced something like that. And on the day of the paper itself, i just didn't turn up. I couldn't do it. Two consecutive semesters in a row and i was out of uni. The fear was just too big a thing for me to handle. I was so damn scared. Over the last couple of years i guess i have not really given myself a chance to try all things new. Or maybe i thought i had dealt with it coz it hasn't resurfaced. But maybe, the truth is, it never had a chance to resurface as i've not competed in any event for a really really long time or taken an exam for a really really long time.
As i looked at the race calendar earlier on today, i put a tick next to those that i was pretty keen in taking part in. Like the duathlon, coz the last time i did it was in 2000 and i only did the run leg while Niaomi did the bike leg, port dickson tri for my first OD race, AHM, desaru half, there was a tick next to Aviva Half as well, and Marathon end year. Then another tick was added to races that i felt i was marginally prepared to take part in or prepared for. None of the races got a second tick. So i was stuck. I sat there staring at the list of races and like a million and one things flowed through my mind. Somehow, i felt as unprepared as when i never even lifted my legs off the couch and headed to train.
I have another thought. Maybe i'll spend this year just running, biking and swimming. And when i've done at least a year of base training, i will start taking part in maybe 2-3 OD events next year, then maybe do a half ironman year after and finally go for my ironman 3-4 years down the road. Maybe i'll feel a little better and feel a little more prepared. BUt then again, there is another part of me that is feeling if i just go with the aim of completion, then i probably don't have to wait such a long time. ARGHHHHHHhh...
I haven't reached any conclusions just yet. But everyday, i see people adding their names and expressing their interest in taking part in this event and that. There is a part of me that wants to put my name down and just do it =) versus lets wait and see. Don't be too anxious to jump coz you are not prepared. I did ask myself though, just what is the benchmark that i was going to set for myself before i knew i was prepared enough to race. And truth is, i have no answer for that really. Maybe all i need is a little encouragement or booster. But i'm also not very sure how that is going to help.
Eh, am i going on and on and on? Ha.. Sometimes, i'm not even sure what i'm rambling on about.. =P Anyway, this is what having too much free time and a coffee in the afternoon will do for you. Seems like the more i think, the more things seem to bug me. Not even sure whether its good or bad. But i guess it's healthy to question your goals and beliefs once in a while and see if they are aligned with what you are currently doing and looking for in life.
On a lighter note, today was a rather relaxed day. Didn't swim today coz i want to do speed work tomorrow at the pool. Went to the track though. Miss the old SPE track quite a bit when i was there in the evening. Really brings back fond memories. Sleeping in the toilet for 4 years during track camps, or before training coz it was the only place that had a nice fan. Went there to do a light workout. Was supposed to pick 800s or 1000s. But settled for 600s. Coz was lazy. Plus i stopped at the 600 point in my first set. So did 10*600. All below 3 minutes. Rest time was a slow jog of another 600m. So all in all, i did 12km. =) Didn't push very hard coz was more interested in finishing the workout. Oh, i also picked my baby up from the shop earlier on today. So i suppose things are alright.
Meeting Guardian tomorrow morning to pick up some stuff that are with him. Having loads of mixed feelings right now. Ok, i know that i really really need to move on with my life and stop thinking about him. And yet, i cannot help it sometimes when he pops up in my mind out of the blue. Anyway, i suppose it's one of those pick and go scenario. Would prefer if we kept our distance at this point of time as i'm still desperately trying to get over him. It's like trying to wipe away 12 years of my life. He's still the only one that can bring tears to my eyes, or occupy my thoughts longer then i'll like it to be. Other men are a dime a dozen for me. But this peculiar man has a really strong hold on my heart. Sighz...
Oh well, when tomorrow comes......