Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I love my parents

Yes, everyone love their parents to a certain degree. And i guess i just want to reaffirm the fact that i really do love my parents. No matter how much nonsense they throw at me year after year, i still think at the bottom of my heart, i really do love and care for them.
But, there will come some days where i just feel like telling them to F**k off and grow up and get a life. I have my own childish moments. I know that. And i admit that there are times, where i can be annoying and there are times where i want my own way, especially with the people that care for me and adore me lots. But i am also a firm believer of balance. When i'm wrong, i will apologize. Often i think for my friends and think how they would feel in the given situation and i let an issue drop. I am not always difficult nor do i live in a world where i place myself above all others.
Why am i up at 2.30 in the morning blogging about this, is because, the drama has just come to an end. For tonight at least. I have never blogged about the problems that i face at home only coz i don't want or need sympathy. And i believe Chinese people have a saying, jia chou bu ke wai yang. Meaning don't air your dirty laundry in public. Especially so when it comes to the family.
But today, i finally lost my cool and i'm not proud about it. Some of you may know about what is going on as i have filled you in from time to time. Some of you, have been such long time friends with me that you know the struggles i had each step of the way. And i seldom lose my cool. I've always been known as the person who has amazing tolerance and patience.
This evening, after rushing home from office, i went for swim training. After a really tough training where i couldn't keep up and didn't manage to finish the workout, i went for dinner with the team. When i came home, apparently the drama was already on the roll. Both dad and mum had not had dinner. And we're talking about 11 plus here. I believe dad is a tough man. And that there is a lot that he can handle. And he is a emotionally and mentally a lot stronger then i am. But i also know that after 5 years of fighting, it has taken it's toll on Dad.
Many years ago, while mum was struggling with depression, there were nights where Dad would call and tell me that mum is missing. Mum had always been a very homely person. And would never venture out without us at night. But during that period, she would disappear every couple of days, and often, she would call to say goodbye and that she wanted to end her life. Sometimes, people would call and say that she looked like she was going to jump off a building and we would rush to the scene. Other times, we would be searching the estate for her.
Then when the depression looked set to go away, along came the fainting spells. We would get calls from complete strangers saying that she was at this part of Singapore or that part and she had fainted. Or she was lying on the ground. Once again, we would go and pick her up. And before you ask why didn't we send her to see a doctor or anything, it doesn't work coz she refuses to. She thinks its a conspiracy on our part to place her in a mental institution so that we would not have to deal with her, when all we want to know is that she is fine and things are alright.
I'm not even sure what the real problem is. Whether it is depression still or whether she is just sick. Whether physically or mentally coz she refuses to let us accompany her to see the doctor, and every time i send her to the clinic for her check ups or to the hospital for her check ups, she refuses to let me talk to the doctor. I've tried calling the doctors that she goes to based on the medication and medical chits that she has in her bag, but none of the doctors would tell me jack shit. Most claim that there is a doctor patient confidentiality, while some say that mum has given strict orders for them not to divulge anything to us.
And so this drama goes on and on, with us worrying about her health, and all the little pills that she pops in her mouth, not knowing what they are for. And her pulling a new rabbit out of her bag each time. Tonight, she turned violent for the first time. I'm not sure if this is normal and it happens in stages. But when she went after Dad with the knife tonight, it pissed me off big time. Sometimes, i don't even know if she is aware of what is going on, like while she was trying to knife Dad, she seemed almost hysterical. But after the bout of hysteria, she was rather logical. Telling me that if she killed Dad, she would get away with it as she could site that she has depression.
Honestly, when i cam home, all i wanted to do was hit the sack and go and sleep. But with such a huge drama going on, how could i? So i appeased everyone, and i brought Dad out for dinner coz his diabetes was through the roof. I left mum at home only coz she refused to go out and eat. There was no way i could split myself up in two and i knew dad needed to talk, to rant, to vent to have an outlet for his feelings. ANd why he didn't walk away earlier was coz mum kept his car and home keys. That in itself is another story.
So, after accompanying dad, i came home, sat on my bed, logged on to facebook and trifam forum, when along came mum into the room. I knew she wanted to talk. To hopefully gain a listening ear. Although all i wanted was to finish reading postings, read some market reports and head to bed, i did the only thing i could do for her. So she talked, i listened, she cried, i consoled. But i really can't help it if i am very tired and i have heard all that she said a million and one times. Like she repeats them on a daily basis for the last 5 years. So if you do the math, that's 5*365 times i've heard those stuff. Alright, i'm exaggerating. Not quite a million yet. So, finally, in the nicest way possible, i asked her if this could wait till tomorrow as i was really really tired. And i really really needed to sleep. I was already off schedule to sleep by like 1.5hrs. SO she was still crying, sobbing really, and she stood up, said no one cared, when she fainted.
Sigh. It was like 1am in the morning and what do you do when a person faints? She wouldn't talk, i got her into a sitting position before she slumped over. Dad of course was locked away in another room asleep. So, i tried to carry her into her room, onto her bed, and it didn't work. I was obviously not strong enough to do this on my own. Plus, she said she was feeling really unwell when she finally came to. She said she felt horrid and wanted to go see a doctor. I woke Dad up and told him what happened. Dad got up, got changed, and i got changed and we were ready to bring her to the hospital. But she suddenly got hysterical again and said that she never asked to go to the hospital, and said that we were now conspiring all over again.
So we coaxed, we fought, we shouted, we really tried all methods to get her to go see a doctor, but she refused. Not to mention she scratched me. And she kicked Dad. Just exactly what do you do when your Mum is like that? I wish someone gave me a book on how to deal with mothers because apparently i didn't get my copy of it. So, do you go to sleep when ur mum has just fainted and refuses to see the doctor? Or do you stay up and watch over her in case something else happens? And i hate to leave Dad to take care of her all night long coz i know that lack of sleep doesn't do much good for him for his diabetes and him still recuperating from his surgery.
There are times when i wish i could be as detached as Kor. Everytime i tell him what happens at home, his only reply was, and u wonder why i move out. But because i truly love my parents, i cannot do so. Nor do i want to do so. But at the same time, i am so tired of this 5 year long drama, and wonder how many more years of this i would have to take? For 5 years, i have never shouted back at mum when she gets hysterical. Coz i understand that it's probably not in her control.. Nor have i fought her, or sweared at her. Tonight, i did all of that. I fought her, i cursed and swear, the F word came out a couple of times and i really shouted at her. I know that doesn't help the situation, but i was very tired and frustrated. And i really don't know what else to do. Really. I don't know what to do to help, to make the situation better, to turn the situation around. And it is this that is eating me inside out.

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