Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Thought of the day

Nothing lasts forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances and never have regrets.. because.. at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Man in the Glass - Dale Wimbrow

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole world, down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Day Six

After the horrible night last night, i remember why i told myself to control the amount i drink. Coz the feeling of being pissed, is disgusting.
He hasn't called or texted me after his 'attitude' behaviour and comments yesterday. A couple of times, i relented and wanted to ask him if he was feeling any better or if he was oki. But, i did sms him a couple of times yesterday, and since he is irresponsible, he has not replied to any of them, knowing i would be upset and worried sick about him. I am almost on the verge of giving up. I see this pattern repeating over and over again and i am so damn tired of it.
And funny thing is, i have begun suppressing some 'angry' and 'hateful' feelings. Which is good i think...

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Day Five

My meeting ended at 2am. And i went to meet up with Superman and gang. I needed some form of release after our horrible msn session this afternoon and the comments that some of my colleagues made. I feel horrible. I wish he was there for me. But maybe coz he is in a bad mood, he hasn't replied any of my msn or sms. I miss him. And it is times like this where i wish he was around.
met an old friend partying. Its been eons since we met up.. really looking forward to meeting up for coffee.
Too damn drunk to type anythings useful. But i know i miss him and yet i feel horrible at the same time. How can that be?

Friday, August 24, 2007

Day Five

I know that when i give my power away, i am powerless. And i know better then to give my own power away. And yet with Guardian, sometimes i feel like i cannot control over how much power he takes from me. Saw him on msn briefly for a short while. He was grumpy and moody. Most likely coz of icequeen. And of course he was curt and short with me. I was hurt. Should we believe more in the power of the words or the power of the actions? As in, do the words that come out of his mouth count more or the actions that count more? Which matters more?
You have claimed that you still love me. And that you care? But how much do you care? Do you ever stop and think that i might be hurt? That your words could potentially hurt me? That your actions could potentially be driving me to the very edge?
Maybe i am a silly monkey after all. I constantly choose to believe what comes out of your mouth and carry on loving you. And, all i can say at this point is i'm dead tired. Tired.. tired... tired..

Day Four/Five

I finally had a long chat with him today on msn. I guess i've been avoiding it coz i have some answers in my head and i dunno whether i want to find out the truth. We talked for a v long time and maybe its sort of a closure for me. Like i said before, i don't doubt that he cares for me. I'm just not sure that he loves me. And maybe that's the sad thing. I know i will always love him. Or rather he will always occupy a special place in my heart. And yet, i know i cannot go on like this forever. It is way too tough and way too torturous.
He told me he still loves me. Just that his attention has now been diverted to this girl. Sometimes i ask myself, do i ever factor into the equation? Where do i stand in all this?
He spoke to me about fate and about all things being predestined. Maybe, that is the part i cannot change or have no control about. But i believe that some things, you have to work for them in life. Maybe you are are meant to strike TOTO. But you have to make the effort to go buy the ticket in the first place. So if you are a firm believer in destiny and fate, then i remember in one of my past postings, i wrote before, since its destined, then there is no need to work for your food and shelter. After all, if you are not meant to starve and die, then something will happen and you will miraculously have food.
Maybe i think, somethings in life happen for a reason, maybe somethings in life are not meant to happen. But ultimately, its about the amount of effort you put into things. But i guess i have a first hand example to back me up. Relationships fall into a totally different category altogether. Takes two hands to clap, one had to slap. N i am sure i am already an expert in this.
Well, for all its worth, i hope he stays happy. He doesn't know it, but it breaks my heart and hurts me when i know he has been hurt. I told him earlier that maybe that is what unconditional love is. It's your parents love to you. Or like GOD's love for us. That even if we have failed them time and again, they still love us despite our flaws. And somehow that is still how i view love and how i care for him. But i also know that one day, i really must move on. That until i move out of his shadow and dim my love for him, my heart cannot have another. And bro asked me this. Do i want to settle down and have a family? Or do i want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him? I really don't know.

Anyway, TG texted me today. Said he would be back next Monday and ask to go out on Tuesday. I owe him his birthday present and his birthday dinner.
See here's the weird part, i cannot forgive TG for cheating and lying to me, and yet i condone it when Guardian does it? Why?

One other point, the most expensive top i own is now from CK @$299. Nice cheer up present. Thanks for buying it for me. =)

Day Four

Another day has passed. And i sometimes i wish i am like others, who can find anger and hatred for the men that break up with them or cheat on them. But somehow, i cannot. Someone i spoke to mentioned that i'm such a traditionalist. If there was such a word. And that i am still deeply in love with Guardian despite all that has happened between us. I don't think he is wrong. Its just that i've made up mind about things and i really want to stick to my decision. Went to taka with Boss earlier. We just wanted to spend some time together i guess. Or rather, she knew i have been very down, and she heard of my stupid and silly action of going to KL with Guardian, and she wanted to cheer me up or rather, sound me out.
Anyway, today another Samaritan told me this one line, that i think is quite cool.. It is your Responsibility in this world to make yourself HAPPY.
Boss and i had a talk and she ask me to think about what i really want in life. And what could potentially be my driving force.. So... Till the next post. And i am feeling better about things as it is. Maybe what Guardian says is true, i'm numb to it already. Same applies for TG

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Day Three/Four

It just seems to me when something happens, everything else happens. I mentioned earlier that Guardian told me he saw TG at Suntec. And i remember questioning him, are you sure? Tonight, Superman met TG for dinner and drinks, and Superman told me that TG specifically asked him not to bring me along. And here's the thing, if it was the first time something like this has happened, i would brush it off, saying it was one of those boy's night out thing. And yet, i cannot delude myself into believing that it is.
Many months back, when something of a similar nature happened, i questioned TG about it. And he told me that Superman has gotten the wrong message, and he meant no harm. And months later, the same thing happens. I'm not sure, if its coz of the emotional roller coaster ride i'm going through with Guardian, that the roller coaster has been heading down, and i'm still wondering if its sending me to the depths of hell, if that is why i am disappointed with TG and upset with him, or rather i am upset with him, coz i do not see the need for him to lie to me.
Now i feel like a complete idiot. While i was at Superman's place last evening, he asked me if it was TG's birthday. And i told him, yeah. And as he called TG, i remember telling him, oh, he's in HK. So he might be busy with meetings. At least that's what he told me. And today, Superman called me to say that he's pretty sure TG is in Singapore. And has been the last couple of days.
I guess this coincides with Guardian saying he say TG at Suntec on Monday, coz in fact, he was already back in Singapore. I can understand if there is someone special in his life that he wants to spend his birthday with. But i cannot see why he had to fib about it.
I remember telling bro once, that if you fib about something, at least lie intelligently, and when i finally figure it out, then i would at least respect that you had the brains to think up of such an intellligent lie that covered all angles. And yet, do both Guardian and TG, simply think i am an idiot? Or that i really am such a dumb person?
I've told both before, that sometimes, when i don't say something, its not because i don't know what is going on, or i do not know that they are lying. Sometimes, it's coz i don't want the situation to get ugly and thus, i keep mum about stuff. But i know what is going on. It's not the first time TG has lied, and somehow i feel that the times i found out are not the only times that he has fibbed. And i truly am disappointed in him, coz i thought better of him. Why would someone claim to enjoy your company, claim that you are a special friend, and yet, cannot even be honest as a friend. That is something i cannot understand.
SIghz... When is the roller coaster going to head up..

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Day Three

Like i said, i was going to do something stupid and silly. And i did. Was it worth i guess so. I got quite a bit of answers today to close the loops that i need to close eventually. I can tell he is smitten by her and has been bitten by the love bug. He has detailed down each and every one of their dates, as to what he did for her, to her etc. And he even bought her a swarovski pendant on his first date which was on 18 July. Just barely 4 days of us breaking up. But like i mentioned before, it was a lead up definately.
He said he met her 2 months back but only started dating her a month back. And he loves everything about her, from the way she is, to the things she enjoys doing. Apparently, she doesn't like shopping, but like cars. Likes massages, backpacking. Doesn't like soft toys, branded goods. Well, all i can say is, i wish him happiness. Coz she is definately a player. And he knows that too. But i guess its the thrill of the chase for him. For TG as well. Anyway, he said he met TG at Suntec on Monday. Which is weird, coz TG said he won't be back for some time.
Anyway, he asked if i had any idea why he brought me up to watch fireworks. I told him i had my own theory but will keep it at that. No need to verify if i am right or wrong. Coz in the last few days, i have come to understand that i never really meant very much to him.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to admit that for the last 11 years, i have been wrong. That i have been prolonging this mistake only because i refuse to believe that i was wrong. And though now it is not easy, coz i am so set in my comfort zone, i know that it cannot persist.
I know it pointless and silly to brood about what has gone one between us, and whether he ever loved me. Or whether i was just constantly his time filler. Life goes on. I am entitled to another 4 days of grieving. If i get over it earlier, good for me.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Day Two

I know some of you will say i am crazy. And yet at the same time, i think i am. I'm not sure how i can immediately get him out of my system. And since i have said i will give myself 7 days to grief, and i am only on day 2, i am entitled to do stupid things. Is it possible to hurt yourself so much in the next 6 days such that the pain of losing him will not be as great as the hurt i've inflicted on myself? Funny theory, but gg to see if it works.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Day One

I cried myself to sleep once again. It's actually been such a long time since i have done something so foolish. And as the tears flowed freely, i question myself and my own ability to love. I question whether i could have done more. I seek to find solace from all that i knew, and emptiness and silence returned.
I really did love him. And much as i hate to admit it, i am defenceless in his presence. I did something stupid. I called him and asked him for a small request. And he rejected me. And it tore my heart coz i feel that after all we've been through and all that i've done, all i needed was for him to hold my hand a little longer. And maybe then it dawned upon me. I never really mattered. The pit was a bottomless pit and he would not or could not reach in to help me out. I'm not even sure if i can help myself out.
I've never been stabbed by a knife. But if i can only imagine how it feels like, then how i'm feeling is similar. Using the knife analogy, i can only say, i feel like i was once stabbed by a knife. And over the years, the wound has heeled leaving a small scar. And this time round, this two days, or rather this trip and the aftermath of the trip, i feel like i was stabbed at the exact same spot. And the call and his rejection, felt like whoever stabbed me was not content with just a stabbed. He pushed the knife in and twisted it.
i am surprised by the impact he still has in my life. The last time i remember feeling this pain was 6 yrs ago. I thought i would never feel such intense pain again. And yet, here i am again, caused by the same man. All i want is for the pain to go away. It hurts so much...

My final act of Love

Just came back from a trip to KL. Everything i guessed about Guardian was right. Am i surprised? No.. After all, when you've known someone for almost half of your life, you tend to get most of the things about this person right. The fireworks were just an excuse, and yet, i know i stood by him when he felt he needed me. And i told him, this is my last act of love for him. It was a 300+Km ride back that i finally understood US. Me and Guardian. I love him for who he is, and i admit i have a soft spot for him. And yet, i have nothing to tell for my battle wounds.
I will eventually learn to live without him in my life as no one is indispensable, and yet, i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. I was not only second best to his ex wife. I now know that i was forever second best. It never used to be an issue before, but i guess, maybe i've grown up and i refuse to be second best anymore. I believe i am good enough to be someone else's Number 1.
He bought her flowers. And he bought be a teddy bear. And i didn't take teddy home, coz that was the bear that he wanted to buy for her originally. And i really don't want hand me downs. In whatever form. And so, i left teddy in his car when i came home.
Truth is, life goes on. And i know that better then anyone considering what a stormy sail ours have been. I'm not going to deny myself a week to grief over someone that i've yearned for all of my adult life, but my promise to myself is that once this week is over, i draw the line at our business relationship.
Ferris Wheel at KL

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Have i done enough??

I'm about to go on a trip. And this trip had an agenda that i didn't know about. At first, i saw it on the surface, as any other trip. And i was in fact excited to be going away even for a short period of time, since i really have been rather bogged down with work. And yet, now that i have found out about the agenda, i am not sure anymore. There is a part of me that doesn't want to be there, doesn't want to put myself in a situation knowing that i will be upset. And yet, the other part of me wants to be there for him. To see him through what he has in mind and walk with him. But maybe the most important question is, have i done enough over the years or is this then a debt that i have to repay to him?
What's so amazing is that, maybe at the back of my mind i know the answer. They say a woman's 6th sense, gut instinct is very strong. Mine is no different i guess. When it comes to Guardian or TG, it is equally strong. And i am not in the habit of second guessing myself. But yet, when it comes to another person being involved, i tend to melt away and second guess myself. And that is where i keep asking myself, have i done enough?
I have loved Guardian for a very long time now. I did waver once and decide that it was finally time to move on, and he came back. In the months that he was back, i would be lying to say i didn't enjoy the times spent with him. I would be lying to say he didn't touch and melt my heart. Honest truth is he did. And i wanted to give in more then i wanted to hold out, maybe also coz i desperately wanted this time to be the time that things between us worked out. And yet, it would be the same theory applied to TG. If there was true love between us, then it wouldn't be so difficult to work out right? And precisely because there isn't and i am forcing an issue, thats why it hasnt worked out thus far.
A long while back, when i was in sports, and i didn't win the gold medal, i would ask myself, have i done enough, am i physically less capable or is it because i haven't trained hard enough. But with sports, its pretty straight and clear cut. But with love, the lines are less defined.
Today he told me, that things between him and this girl might never work out, or it might. And that since love is never 50/50, he wouldn't mind if he was caught in a 90/10 situation. And a part of me ached really. But love is never logical or is it? And when then, do i walk away and never look back? I guess i really need to put things in perspective. I am still unsure..
But fulfilling this last trip, would be where i draw the line about doing enough. Even if i have failed in anyway, i will attribute that to character flaws or physical inability. Coz i can only be that strong...