Day Four/Five

I finally had a long chat with him today on msn. I guess i've been avoiding it coz i have some answers in my head and i dunno whether i want to find out the truth. We talked for a v long time and maybe its sort of a closure for me. Like i said before, i don't doubt that he cares for me. I'm just not sure that he loves me. And maybe that's the sad thing. I know i will always love him. Or rather he will always occupy a special place in my heart. And yet, i know i cannot go on like this forever. It is way too tough and way too torturous.
He told me he still loves me. Just that his attention has now been diverted to this girl. Sometimes i ask myself, do i ever factor into the equation? Where do i stand in all this?
He spoke to me about fate and about all things being predestined. Maybe, that is the part i cannot change or have no control about. But i believe that some things, you have to work for them in life. Maybe you are are meant to strike TOTO. But you have to make the effort to go buy the ticket in the first place. So if you are a firm believer in destiny and fate, then i remember in one of my past postings, i wrote before, since its destined, then there is no need to work for your food and shelter. After all, if you are not meant to starve and die, then something will happen and you will miraculously have food.
Maybe i think, somethings in life happen for a reason, maybe somethings in life are not meant to happen. But ultimately, its about the amount of effort you put into things. But i guess i have a first hand example to back me up. Relationships fall into a totally different category altogether. Takes two hands to clap, one had to slap. N i am sure i am already an expert in this.
Well, for all its worth, i hope he stays happy. He doesn't know it, but it breaks my heart and hurts me when i know he has been hurt. I told him earlier that maybe that is what unconditional love is. It's your parents love to you. Or like GOD's love for us. That even if we have failed them time and again, they still love us despite our flaws. And somehow that is still how i view love and how i care for him. But i also know that one day, i really must move on. That until i move out of his shadow and dim my love for him, my heart cannot have another. And bro asked me this. Do i want to settle down and have a family? Or do i want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him? I really don't know.

Anyway, TG texted me today. Said he would be back next Monday and ask to go out on Tuesday. I owe him his birthday present and his birthday dinner.
See here's the weird part, i cannot forgive TG for cheating and lying to me, and yet i condone it when Guardian does it? Why?

One other point, the most expensive top i own is now from CK @$299. Nice cheer up present. Thanks for buying it for me. =)