I cried myself to sleep once again. It's actually been such a long time since i have done something so foolish. And as the tears flowed freely, i question myself and my own ability to love. I question whether i could have done more. I seek to find solace from all that i knew, and emptiness and silence returned.
I really did love him. And much as i hate to admit it, i am defenceless in his presence. I did something stupid. I called him and asked him for a small request. And he rejected me. And it tore my heart coz i feel that after all we've been through and all that i've done, all i needed was for him to hold my hand a little longer. And maybe then it dawned upon me. I never really mattered. The pit was a bottomless pit and he would not or could not reach in to help me out. I'm not even sure if i can help myself out.
I've never been stabbed by a knife. But if i can only imagine how it feels like, then how i'm feeling is similar. Using the knife analogy, i can only say, i feel like i was once stabbed by a knife. And over the years, the wound has heeled leaving a small scar. And this time round, this two days, or rather this trip and the aftermath of the trip, i feel like i was stabbed at the exact same spot. And the call and his rejection, felt like whoever stabbed me was not content with just a stabbed. He pushed the knife in and twisted it.
i am surprised by the impact he still has in my life. The last time i remember feeling this pain was 6 yrs ago. I thought i would never feel such intense pain again. And yet, here i am again, caused by the same man. All i want is for the pain to go away. It hurts so much...
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