Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Predictability in one who is unpredictable

Many years ago, i used to think, oh why is this man so unpredictable? I would spend hours agonising over the fact that he would one day be so in love with me, then suddenly not want my company at all. And that made me so confused and upset. Over the years, maybe i've come to accept the fact that he is just like that. What do i mean just like that? I guess it has to do with the concept of commitment and in a weird and even perverse way, he is preserving himself.
He smsed today out of the blue after telling me about 2 mths back that he thinks we should stop contacting each other for a while. And i guess over the years, i've more or less gotten used to him being around, then disappearing, and then reappearing. And this time round, it was no different. He asked to meet up and now with a sales job, its so much easier. And yet, i guess its GOD"s plan that we did not meet up. I had a meeting and i guess if i did not, i would have caved.
Today i thought about how unpredictable he always wanted to be. And yet, there is a pattern in it all. When he first shared that he wanted to cease contact for a while, at the back of my mind, i was thinking, oh.. here it comes again. And in about 3 mths time, he will suddenly feel like he needs to meet up and we'll go back to seeing each other for a couple of months before the urge hits him again. And there is such a strong pattern in it all. Today i asked myself just what is this pattern? What does it signify? What will it do to me and how do i interprete it?
I obviously didn't come up with any answers. And i guess some how, some time, some day, the answer will be staring me right in my face. And for that, i guess i will just have to be patient and ride it out. In the mean time, i wonder just what would i do the next time he calls?
I guess in my own way, i do wonder why i always hang out with men who are emotionally unavailable. Is it coz deep down inside, i too amd facing the same problem? And yet i know that i would truly like to be with someone who cares for me, dotes on me and someone whom i can share with not only on the emotional level but also on the intellectual level. Am i being too predictable too in being unpredictable? Sometimes, i guess when they say that you are your own worst enemy or best friend, i guess they had me in mind. Cheers

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