I was going through some of my previous postings just today. And i realised that some of my very best works came about at a time where i was super depressed, thinking lots and doing the best i could to be a better person in what i perceived then to be a really hard and tough world.
Maybe its becoz of my perceptions that formed the reality in my life then. The more i percieved something to be hard and tough, the more it became so. And so, therefore life just got harder, and i got more unhappy. Someone once told me life is a cycle. And i likened it to when i went off road riding, stuck in a rut on a slope. There were a couple of different styles in riding. The first of them would rev the throttle real hard, gave the bike more power and pray damn hard that the bike got out of the rut. More often then not, i would see these people dig a even deeper rut. Force against force, nothing would budge. Then the second group of people would carry their bike out of the rut and carry on riding. Now, for this group of people, there are also two sorts. Those that are big and strong enough to carry their bikes out of the rut, and those that aren't and just wait for someone to come and help them carry their bike out of the rut. And there are those that fall off the bike, pick themselves up, brush off the dirt, pick up the bike and carry on riding. Those that wait for others to pick up their bike, help them kickstart the bike and carry on riding. Those that have people help them with the above and ask to stop riding, ask someone to ride their bike to flat land.
So many different kinds of people, with different kinds of reaction to a similar experience. Now for me, i have likened the spirit of riding to life. Why is that so? Well once in a while, in our smooth sailing life, we come across a rut. Sometimes, the bike falls, u fall. just like in life, sometimes u take a hit and u stumble. But everyone has a choice as to what they want to do at that moment in time. When i go dirtbiking, i realise how much my character had changed over the years.
When i first started biking, i would be the sort that would pick my bike out of the rut and carry on riding. That was not after several experiences of gassing the throttle and getting stuck even deeper. Then i learnt that what works for me was to lift the bike out of the rut. Then again, i was riding a much smaller and lighter bike then. And when i fell, i would pick myself up, brush off the dirt and get on with it. Maybe i would ride a tad slower coz i was scared of falling again. But i never once said, fuck it, leave the bike here, or can someone else ride the bike out for me?
Recently, about close to 2 mths back, i went riding once again. After a long break of not riding for close to 2 years. This time, i realised how different i was in handling the same problem. I fell, i got up, waited for friends to come and help me pick up the bike, start the bike, ride up the hill for me and someone else would pillion me up the hill or i would walk up. Recently i had dinner with a friend who asked me this, how come u not so garang anymore? I could think of a million and one answers for her, and i yet i knew deep down at the bottom of my heart, its only coz somewhere along the way, i lost the fighting spirit. The will and desire to do everything on my own, and the desire to carry on even when the going got tough. Somewhere along the way, i became weak. I gave up easily. And i let that formed up. Then once in a while, i throttle hard, only to feel that i was stuck even deeper in the rut and i could no longer get out. But yet, is it coz i chose to not get out and stay stuck, hoping and praying taht someone would come back and help, when all the help was around me and i chose to be stubborn.
As the new year begins, i wonder just how much i have hidden deep in me over all these years that i perceived to be hurt and troubled and life was tough and i gave up. I wondered that is character built, or is inherent inside a person. And if it is, then somewhere deep within the reserves, there is a person who still stands, who still has the exact same qualities that i look up to nowadays. And somewhere beneath it all, there is a person who has been pushed aside, coz i refuse to acknowledge her presence. And in knowing just this one bit of information, i will do all that i can to lure this person out. Just so i can once again lead life to the fullest. Coz i know that person is somewhere behind a door, that i have shut many many years ago.
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