Mixed feelings

Met TG tonight for dinner after two weeks to be exact. Exactly 14 days. Dinner went as well as expected. I guess what i didn't expect was my feelings for him. I've been in love with this man for such a long time that i'm puzzled and curious as well. But then again, i guess i've always been someone who has been really faithful and loyal. I won't even think of being with someone else as long as there is a glimmer of hope that one day we'll both live happily ever after. And i guess that was what bugged me more then anything today.
He shared with me his hectic schedule and somehow, i could see he was more relaxed then usual today. Maybe coz he has just finished a big show in philippines and Chinese new year was around the corner. And he was going away for such a long break. And maybe coz i was being pleasantly nice today, not throwing any little girl tantrums coz i had more on my mind then i usually had. And for whatever reasons, i guess dinner went by without any major events. And yet, a question pops into my head. Must all dinners be a result of him talking, me listening and agreeing for it to be uneventful?
Dinner ended. I was glad we were both heading home. I walked him to his car as usual. Sometimes, i wonder if he even thinks that it's sort of weird for a girl to walk the guy to his car. And yet, it is in that walk, that few precious moments where there is a physical contact of sorts be it a kiss, a hug, or just walking together hand in hand, or arm across each other that makes walking him to his car all worth while. And for someone that i see every 14-20 days once, these little moments are even more precious.
I didn't want to get into the car. I didn't want to go down the carpark which went round and round coz i dread it. I didn't want to sit in the car and have nothing to say. I didn't want to have to ask for a hug or kiss at the end. I didn't want to ask when i would see him again. I didn't want to ask if he still remembered that he promised me a trip in march when he was less busy. But seems too busy now to take a trip in march. For all the things that i didn't want, i steped into the car coz he asked. And it takes great power to reject something he asked coz of how i felt abt him.
In the car, for some peculiar reason, he stretched his hand over me and tickled my ears. I liked that. In any normal event, i would have reached over and placed my head on his shoulder. I like that. But the car going round and round the carpark, braking constantly, was too much for my head to bear. And so, i sat there, closed my eyes and didn't move. And then finally we reached level ground, and he asked where he should alight me. And i pointed up front and said, i'll get off here. And he pulled me over to kiss me. Somehow, for reasons that i cannot explain, even now, i turned my face away and offered him my cheek. And i said bye, happy chinese new year and got out of the car. Before he told me might join Superman and our group of friends for after dinner drinks tomorrow night.
The night didn't seem all that beautiful. And yet, beauty in simplicity. I wish sometimes i've never fallen for this worldly man, who seems to know too much, and yet, nothing seems to be able to touch his heart. And if i could take my eraser and wipe out the beautiful moments that i've ever shared with him, so that he will be no different from the next joe, i would. And for now, i lie trapped in his world, desperately asking for release, asking to have the power to walk away.