Monday, January 16, 2006

Just being Oscar of Sesame Street


Its barely been two weeks into the new year and i already feel miserable. I guess its really how i choose to feel. And i guess at the same time, i keep telling myself that if i choose to feel otherwise, i'll be better. With the realisation that i'm going to turn 26 already, i feel overwhelmed by the things that i have yet to accomplish at this age. Let alone the lessons that i keep having to relearn time and again. And it is buggin me big time.
At times like this, i ponder and wonder is it that i am merely incompetent or is it that i'm lazy? Or do i have no goal? Or maybe worse still, no purpose in life. Or am i just someone who is forever negative and will never find happiness? I believe that these things are within and up to us to create. But it scares me that i'm not sure how i can go about creating these things.
For a while, i told myself if i woke up feeling happy and looking forward to the day, i would be fine. And then i told myself to keep the negative thoughts out, to keep focusing on the positive things in life and i would be happier, and things would be better. But somehow, i find that it takes a lot more energy and strength to focus on the bright side of life when i feel with each day that passes, there really isn't much to look forward to.
I guess this feeling hit me a couple of days back when TG and i met. Suddenly, i realised how empty this pursuit is. And coming from me, that was quite a shock. I realised that somehow, i was seeking happiness in being with him, when happiness should dwell from within me flowing out. And i ask myself, where is this happiness. How do i garner it without feeling close to miserable. I desperately want to get out of the rut. It takes little steps each time but yet, there is a feeling that with each single step i take, i seem to be sliding two steps back. And i find myself once again further and further away from my goals.
Its at times like this when i feel like giving up and i feel like i don't want to act happy anymore. I want to be the grouch. To shut myself up from the rest of the world. And then, i think, that's not really what i want. And i end up being more confused then ever.
When i lost Guardian, i felt my life go into shambles. But at least i seem like i remotely had a future then. But as i look into the crystal ball today, all i see is fog and mist. And i call out, and all i hear is the echo of my own voice. The little devil in my head is almost winning. And i'm fearful about what it can do and will do. In more ways then one, it was the devil who was always the stronger one. If not, we would all still be in the garden of Eden. The fact that we are not there means that either the devil is more powerful or he has got greater powers of deceit and manipulation. And it scares me. The angel is growing weaker by the minute. All i hear now is the devil's voice. And all i want is the angel to drown him out.....

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