I'm back. Guess the last post wasn't my last after all. Feels kinda weird not blogging. In fact, i actually miss blogging quite a bit. Maybe in some ways, blogging is cathartic? Who am i to dispute that?
Well, what spurred this on? I guess a series of events that set a ball rolling. A ball that i'm not even sure i have the strength to stop of even want to stop. Let's start with something that happened recently and move backwards.
I went on a date yesterday. An actual date, lunch, movie and all. And i guess in a way, it was quite a disappointment. You see, for so long now, i've been wanting to go watch a movie with Tour Guide. And surprisingly, i walked out of the movie not feeling anything. Not feeling any more special or less special. Not feeling like i was actually out on a date. Maybe somewhere deep down, my feelings for him have turned passive. Or maybe, somehow in the course of this journey, i've begun to view him as a buddy. I'm not even certain whether it was a sigh of relieve that i can finally move on, or maybe the numerous disappointments from him that have made my heart decide to let go and move on. Whichever the case, i know i will always have a soft spot for him and i guess, i never thought i'll care so deeply ever about another man. He made me see that it was possible.
That aside, two weeks back, i met another man. It was a rather explosive sort of relationship. Nah.. Not love at first sight. I wouldn't even call it lust. Maybe just two strangers, burdened with a feeling of falling out of love. But i must admit he was a sweet guy. If there was a way to describe my feelings when i was out with him, it was that of a little princess. Yup. You're going to say there i am once again in my fantasy world. But that was how he made me feel. In his own way, he made me feel safe, and for a moment i actually contemplated the fact that there could be more between us. And yet, i knew that as soon as i woke up from this dream, i would see it as it was. It was a dream... In my warped mind, i must say i feel a bond and closeness to him. Maybe coz its been ages since i've ever felt the need to share about Guardian to any of the men that i was with. I've always been able to put this wall up, put this front up and if things didn't work out, walk away knowing i have Guardian by my side. And yet, this person, came along, and i wanted to open up to him. Maybe it really is about timing. Maybe all these dreams i've been having, is m unconscious telling me that i need to be congruent soon or i'll lose my mind. Somehow, this one man evoke really strong feelings within me. There is this rational part of me that tells me that this man will hurt me deeply if i choose to open up myself to him. And yet, against my better judgement, i did.
So whats happening with this man and me? Well, truth be told, i'm half minded whether i want him to contact me again. He's gone off for work overseas. And he will return. A part of me wishes he will never call or sms me again. And then, i can choose to walk away, knowing that he was no different from any of the other men that i've dated. And there is a part of me that wishes he will call or sms and tell me things between him and his ex are over and that there was a possibility of things happening. Between the two, i'll choose the former. Coz i know he has the power to hurt me terribly. Unlike tour guide, i feel a sense of peace and security with him, and i know just how complicated and tough walking away would be.
He called me the pessimist. And truth be told, maybe i am. You know what i really would like to do? I would like to keep people away from my heart. coz i'm so scared of being hurt. One day, when i find my prince charming, i know i will not feel this way.
Then there is this issue of Guardian and me. For some reason, i can feel it slowly dying. We spoke the other day. And i know i don't want to be involved any longer. I want to be me. I want to do things, to go out and push those boundaries. To go ahead and release the walls the tower me when we broke off and started this illicit relationship 6 years ago. Maybe what i told him a long time ago is the truth. That i'm a free spirited person and cannot be caged up. For 10 years, i've been in this cage, and its time to walk out now the cage door is open. For years, i was so afraid. So scared that i'll not know where to go or what to do. And yet, a silent yearning me is asking, what was so bad about walking out. Don't you still want to see the world?
And funnily, i'm not sad about leaving. In fact, i'm rather excited. In the last two weeks, i think i've achieved more then i've achieved in the last 6 years. And i know that it could only have happened because i allowed it to. Because for once, i wanted to see what else i was capable of. I didn't want to be that someone who was looking in from the garden window. I want to be in that secret garden....
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