After all this time, after all the past deadlines, after all the million and one excuses. I think i've finally seen the light. Maybe its what someone said to me today. That, you are at the start of your life, at the start of your career. Are you sure you will be able to see eye to eye with a man at the peak of his career? Or even someone who might even possibly be hitting the downhill curve of his career. Will you be contented just living off his money and letting him feed you? Knowing that at any one point, he might leave you for someone younger, someone who in 10 years time, can give him the same feelng that you might possibly be giving him?
What is the difference between liking a friend extremely much and loving a person for all the good and all the bad that he is. Well, i spent the afternoon defending my position. Oh, i know he will never stop me from achieving the things i need to achieve in life. In fact, he has been supportive all this while in my old job. I enjoy the intellectual tennis that we play. There is no guarantee that he will not leave even if he is of the same age. Age is not an issue. Its what i feel for him that ultimately counts. And of course this person said, well, when you are in love, all is clouded. You cannot see past his beauty. In fact, all you see is his beautiful parts. There are no flaws. You disagree all the time even now when you are not even dating. When you start? What happens? Are you going to stop talking altogether to avoid disagreeing? And how would you feel if you were to live under the same roof as someone and see the person everyday and not talk to the person.
The one statement that hit the nail on the spot was, if one person tell you something, and you don't agree, you can still stick to your guns. But if 10, 20 people tell you the same thing, then isn't it time to look past the surface, so that you do not eventually get hurt?
It was meant to be a simple dinner, a chill out session. The dinner and heat pack was an excuse to see him. The card was an excuse to share with this one special person exactly how i felt. It didn't matter that i left the heat pack i bought for him at home in a rush to make it for work on time this morning. The nearest pharmacy had a steady supply of heat pack. What did it matter that i already have 3 of it at home? What was more important was that he got his heat pack, so that when the knee or leg starts aching up again, he could simply throw it into the microwave and give himself some momentarily comfort.
I wanted desperately for him to ask me out. I wanted to be able to look back at it all and said, hey, i wasn't all that bad. He also enjoyed my company somehow. But it was close to 6pm, and he had not called or smsed. Finally, coz i did not know whether we were still meeting, although he mentioned it in passing yesterday, i caved. I smsed him to ask him if we were still meeting. Finally he replied, to say yeah, 8 plus. Nothing new i guess. after all, dinners with him were always that late. Left office at 7pm, but decided it was pointless to go home, so thought i'll run to buy him his heat pack since we were finally meeting, and then write him the sweet card that i bought for him.
I waited patiently for his reply. For his call that he said would be forthcoming. For the sms that said he was ready to meet. For days, i've wanted to bring him to this place where they sold fabulous salad udon. (for the record, this was my opinion) That's what he liked to eat, or so my lack of observational skills were put into test. Anyway, the call finally came after 8.30, saying that he would end at 9ish, and we would go to sushi tei for dinner. He made a pretty valid point anyway. By the time he got out of work, and hunted for the place, the restaurant would probably be closed. And so, i agreed. After all, beggars can't be choosers right? It was his company that i wanted ultimately, and therefore, it really didn't matter that we weren't gg to this restaurant that i have been planning to bring him to since late September. All in good time... all in good time.
Dinner was a hurried affair, for by the time we got there, which was about 9.20, they were taking the last orders for food. And he looked so tired, and so edgy, that i was rooted in my chair, not ready to voice out anything disagreeing, for fear of adding more stress to him. And so i did what i would do in such situations, i sat, smiled and listened to him tell me why it made more sense for us to come to sushi tei once again rather then gg to some far off restaurant. And why it was bloody bad to meet up on a weekday. Frankly does it make a difference when we meet up? After all, the guy is married to his work. Has a mistress as the work, and has children as the work. So it didn't really matter. We talked a little, chatted a little about my sexuality, i tried to share something with him, but i guess he just wasn't interested. And then he asked, casually, something in the likes of let's sleep together again or when are we gg to sleep together again.
I didn't reply then, as i felt any answer would have been inappropriate. But i was definately wanting to scream out, how about after dinner. That would be the best dessert for me. Not coz sleeping with someone would have been good dessert normally, but coz the comment made a difference for me. For the time we have been back, he has seem so indifferent to the whole prospect of sleeping together, that i dare not even broach on the topic for fear of offending him or putting him in one of his defensive moods about oh, i knew this would happen.. etc.. etc but he did talk about his ideal woman. A woman who would be a yes woman. Someone that would allow him to be the head of the household, someone that would let him run the show. And i guess the question i didn't ask was, and you think i would not?
Dinner ended before 10 as the cashiers had to close the accounts for the night. I bought him dinner coz i said i would. Anyway, dinner was meant to be a bribe to get him out. So, for all it was worth, i guess it was worth it. Then his phone rang, and when he put down the phone, he said, i don't have to go back to work. And then he said, let's go have a drink.. meaning coffee.
We walked to the nearest starbucks, and sadly, they closed early. So we decided to walk to the next starbucks which happened to be 5 minutes away. We got there, sat down for barely 10 minutes when all of a sudden, he sits up from the couch that we were at and says, hey, i have to go back to work. Huh? Puzzlement... Wasn't it less then 20 mintues ago that you said that you didn't have to go back to work. I kept silent. I wanted the tears to pass. I was never great at crying in public, let alone in front of someone that i felt cared nothing about me and my feelings. When they subsided, i said, well, i haven't finished my drink, but if you have to go, then go. Then he said, are you trying to tell me you want me to stay till you finish your drink? Then alright. I guess i can sit for another 5-10 minutes. Right... At this point of time, the flood of emotions came again. So once again, i looked out in the distance, and tried to focus on all the other things that didn't matter. I refuse to break down in front of him. Not that i think he would be able to handle it should i cry. Not that i think it would have mattered to him that he had hurt me. So finally after minutes of pure silence with him sitting at his corner and me in mine, i asked, why ask me out for coffee if you were going to sit only for 10 minutes and run?
Then, he said this.. Coffee also must have time frame one meh? I thought this sort of things, understood one mah. Don't need to explain. I initially wanted a drink after dinner. Then the other starbucks was closed. And we had to spend time walking here. And by then, the time that i had allocated for you was over. Hello? Allocated? Thanks a million dude. I think i'm worth more then that. In my humble opinion at least. Anyway, there was nothing left to say. I finished up my coffee as quickly as i could, picked up my laptop and left. There was really nothing to say.
I had to get away quickly. I didn't dare look at him. I knew there was only that much i could control with relations to my tears. There have been one or two sticky situations when the tears got the better of me. And with this man, this so special man, i didn't want to take the gamble. Who knows what he would say if i really did cry? Oh, see i told you so. After we sleep together, you get all emotional on me.... yadder yadder...
Anyway, after i left, in a last ditch effort to salvage the situation, i sms him, i guess i really am not understanding enough. All i wanted was to have dinner and chill and spend some time with you. So much for enjoy the moment. If i knew moments were that short, then maybe if i was more prepared, i would have handled it better. And he messaged, oh, thanks for dinner and the heat pack. Of which i sms him, well, if its useful for you, then its worth it. And i didn't even get a hug for buying you dinner and a heat pack. And he said he'll make it up the next time. Next time? Maybe he wasn't pissed off. Then in one sheer moment of stupidity, i decided to do the same thing my friend did. I think in law they call it the one question too many. I sms him back, you know, what you said during dinner about sex, were you serious or were you joking.
Drumroll please.....
And the answer is....
Joking only. Good nite.
Like the whole night was not an insult enough, this was like smearing salt in an open wound. I guess the jokes on me eh? Funny how i remember not too long ago when i also wrote this one sentence. And with that, comes the conclusion of this hilarious one sided love story. I loved and i lost. i did promise to do him one favour before all this transpired. And because he really is special to me, he will have his job done if he passes it to me. But when he returns on the 17th, with a job well done, i will do my darnest never to contact him again.
Maybe in the whole sequence of things, he was right. Or maybe not quite. Even before i boarded the plane for HK, i knew i was already in love with this guy. I didn't sleep with him with the intention of changing his view of me. I slept with him coz i wanted to. But maybe for a while, i thought i could have been more then a holiday fling or a two night stand. Maybe for a while, i thought we clicked. And maybe for a while, i really did thought my company and presence meant something in his life. Not as a girlfriend, not as a realtionship, but at the very least, a worthy companion. And now i know, that, each time we went out, i was allocated time. Sounds like time wasted. And i must have been pretty bad in bed for it to be a joke.
Oh well, at least i;ve seen the light. Somehow, he'll remain special. But surely i no longer want to take up his precious and busy time. I've never been time allocated in someone's life before. In fact, its been a long time since i really wanted to spend my life taking care of someone and giving in to the person and making the person happy, and doing everything i can to make the person's life easier in my own simple ways. But during dinner, he mentioned so many times, he's not looking for a relationship. And i respect that. But i never want a person to feel like i wasn't worth his company. Coz i know i deserved every minute of it, if not more. I know, i would have given him the moon had he asked. And for that, i know, that it's finally over...
GAME OVER... GAME LOST
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