Had a great time partying with her last night. As always, out sessions out are beautiful and enjoyable. But i guess as with all times now she is attached, they will somehow end up fighting. Sighz. As usual, sent her home, saw her boyfriend throwing up outside her place. And i guess its times like this where i wonder whether i'm being silly about this tidbit issue. Had 2 other girlfriends join me last night. Sometimes, i really wonder about what is going through their minds at that precise moment. Funny motley group of woman, hanging out together and partying. Interesting.
Chaplin mentioned Superman's wedding last night. Said something to the effect that he doesn't want Superman to get married coz then he will most likely lose his closest Singapore friend. Its funny how that thought has gone through my mind before. But i guess i know its a natural process in life and therefore, i guess i don't feel so bad about it. Plus coz maybe his my big brother, i feel happy for him. I know that things will change after he gets married, less partying and probably less time to chat with me but i guess sometimes, its really times like this where i'll say, don't brood about it. Just enjoy the moment and the company for now.
I had a chat with a friend a couple of nights ago. It was a chat about married man. I would very much like to ask what the attraction is about married man. So many friends around me seem to be dating married man. But i guess then again, love blinds us. And more importantly, love is something that is not comprehensible. I would have loved to have taken the moral highground and ask my friend to walk away. But then again, that would be vastly hypocritical...
Guardian's bday was on Tuesday. And he wanted to see me that very day. He actually took off for the day. But i was busy with training and didn't have the time to go meet him. Not to mention i had a date that night. And i wonder whether it is good or bad, but somehow, this person that i had a date with has sort of over taken him in the rankings of importance. I mean, guardian will forever be important to me. There is so much that we;ve shared over the past 9 years. Almost 10 years now. And for that, i will always treasure him. But i guess what i said to him holds true. That i really need to move on in my life. That maybe i'm a selfish girl, that now that he is happily married and all, its time i found my own love and start dating again. What Superman said once before is true. I'm only 26 and ot 46. Would i really want to be the mistress of this guy at such a young age?
Not that being in love with this new person makes me happier i guess. He is a far cry from giving in to me and adoring me the way Guardian adores me and cherishes me. Its like he's married as well. Only this time to his work. And he even has a mistress. And that too is his work. I feel like i'm in contention all the time with people and their married halves. Anyway, i really have been thinking about this guy and i. Somehow, i guess its crystal clear. Just need time to accept the facts.. and once again, move on.
Guardian is in one of his moods again. He smsed me to say maybe we shouldn't meet up for some time. I guess by now, i am immue to such messages and have learnt over the years to take it in my stride. Not that it doesn't get me upset, but i guess, somehow, the timings of things is always such. I messaged him back to say i know you are going through your funny moods again, and i've always respected your decision. When you're ready to meet again and if i am still single, you know where to find me. I guess one of the reasons why i've never changed my hp no. all these years is coz i just want him to be able to find me when he wants to.
Frankly speaking, if Guardian and i had gotten together, i think i will be a very different girl. Then agian, while we were together, i was so different. Cannot imagine myself as a Yes woman. But in that aspect, i was every bit a yes woman with him. And it didn't work out. At the end of the day, he said how come i have no suggestions, how come i don't have my point of view. How come i give in all the time. Its tough being in a relationship. And with each relationship, the dynamics change and once again, you are left wondering how come what worked for the past relationship doesn't seem to be working for this current one, or how come when i did something like this in my last relationship, this failed and now i'm never doing it again, it seems to be the core problem in our relationship...
For a while, i always felt like i was a kite and Guardian held on to the strings. There would be times when i feel like i'm all ready to fly off, high up into the sky, to look for new avenues, and it is this time where he would tug the string and send me back to the ground. And of course offer me some TIDBITS and i'll be hooked for a period of time again. I guess it has to do with the fact that he knows as long as there is a glimmer of hope, i will never walk away. But he has failed to see that it is no longer that glimmer of hope that i look for. I know for a fact that i will never cheat on my partner. And saying that, i know that the two of us are not meant to be. Even if he leaves her right now, i will only stand as a buffer, before he goes off to seek for a new relationship, and all.
I've at some point of time wanted to be with Guardian, loved and adored him. I would want to do things for him, so that his life would be made easier. There was nothing much that i couldn't learn. And i did it anyway. I wanted to take care of him, and yet, to do so, he had to take care of the baby inside me. And i didn't mind doing stuff and letting him have the credit for it, just so that he would be happy. Is it too much to ask that the person values your presence and your presence brings a smile to his face? And that was all i asked from Guardian. Oh yeah, i guess the cuddlings, the sex and the kisses were important. I guess its the whole feeling of being in love.
For so long, i've been so used to being in a relationship where the guy hands me a tidbit and then is a jerk for the next 9 incidents, and then uses this same cycle to [play with me. And i guess since i'm such a simpleton, i just let it be. But i guess sometimes, at the back of my head, i wonder how it would be to have a guy treat me nice 9 times, and be a jerk once. Cow was like that, but then again, it was merely a challenge to him. And it helped that he had leverage.
A thought dwells deep in my head. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, i just want to be happy. And happiness can come in many forms. I am not sure how this relationship with this man will be. Just like i don;t know how many more years Guardian and i will drag on this thing that we are in. I seem to be in a maze, without ever finding the way out. Ouch...
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