The concept

Love is patient, love is kind
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Funny how very often, life is so full of opportunities. One door closes, another opens. If you stand by the door and refuse to open it, or let it close, you lose the whole experience of it. What then is love? What is my concept of love? How come some times, something so simple, can be so complicated? Someone once shared with me that one day when it becomes simple, that will be the one. Love has little trials and tribulations. For even if there was, you would not view it as such. Does love come in many manners? I'm sure it does. There is the parent child love. There is the teacher student love. There is the sibling love. There is the friendship love. The husband wife love. And of course the girlfriend boyfriend love.
But what is the defining thing in all these forms of love. Is there one common factor of it all? i thought long and hard about this. And i guess at the end of the day, it has to do with some words. Everyday words that seem to work wonders when put into context. There is respect, there is acceptance, there is the lack of wanting anything in return. But in the end, what you get out of it satisfies you. There are many people in my life that i know i love. I love my parents, i love my bro. I love the people who are in my inner circle. People whom over a long period of time, i have gradually allowed them access to my heart and my life. These are the people that i know, and i trust. And i know that i would want to be there for them.
Let's talk about the gf/bf love. At 16, it was a whole whirlwind of falling in love. Many of my peers fell in love. Some changed drastically, some didn't. I guess in retrospect, i fell in love with him coz he didn't expect me to do great things. Being with him was the only time i didn't feel pressurized to perform, to be the strong one. But funny how in the end, i still had to be strong. Coz he wasn't as strong. I went in with a one minded pursuit of the ultimate goal of being with him. Guessed if i had put in as much effort in school, i would have aced school. And yet, i loved blindly. Did i mind being the one that put money in his wallet? Did it bother me that i bought him a bike coz he couldn't afford it? Did i mind the idiotic things he did? Did i mind the women that he kept? Guess i would be lying if i said i didn't. But yet, i still loved him. Blind love i guess. I loved him despite his flaws. For at the end of the day, he did make me happy. Although sometimes, i think i should aim higher and be with a man that will make me happier rather then sad.
Then i grew older, and sometimes i do wonder whether i'll fall in love again. Over the years, i've met men that would make my heart beat fast, but inherently, at the end of the day, is is lust or love?
What makes me tick? What kind of man do i want? Who do i want to be with? In my ideal world, my other half will be like my best friend. I guess to be my other half, you have to first step into my inner circle. For me to open up to you, for me to not feel ashamed that i cried my heart out in front of you. For me to not worry about how u will view me after i've shared something with you. For you to accept my past, and accept me. I would like someone that we can have intelligent conversations with, and nonsensical topics when the need arises. Someone that can sit in perfect solitude in the presence of each other and with no words spoken, have spoken. Someone that enjoys my hugs and kisses, and who would enjoy returning them. Someone who can see the good in me, someone who can share himself with me. Is it just all about me? Well, no. Most importantly, i guess someone who is happy being with me. That the happiness comes from within. That we would not feel that it is a chore to give in. But we would give in coz we want to. And of course someone who knows that i can be a companion for life, just like he knows that he is a companion for life.
Is love then all about looks? Wealth? I shared this concept many times before. Does it have to be a man? Nope. I guess when love hits you, it just does. Have i never been attracted to a lady and wanted her to be happy? Well, i have. I don't think you can classify that when two people fall in love, it has to be between a man and a woman. Maybe that's why there are so many gay couples around out there. Now, if it does not have to do with the gender, then what more about looks and wealth?
I think back about the experiences that i've had with the men/women in my life. And i guess everyone is unique in their own ways. There are of course that was merely mindless. So what is the point of all the mindless relationships? Someone got me thinking about this today. Just what is the point of a mindless relationship. Sex isn't all that important to me. I've been with a woman before, cared for each other, and not have sex. I've been with a man, not have sex and yet had an extremely fulfilling relationship. So today, as i thought about what sex really does for me, i came to this conclusion. It's not about the 20 minutes of ecstacy. It goes deeper then that.
I haven't slept with anyone for 9 months now. Why? Guess i haven't felt the need to do so. Maybe also coz i deem it pointless. I don't want to sleep with someone just coz he has a cute bum or just coz he has a cute face. I want to sleep with someone who values me. That its not just about sleeping with each other. That our relationship will be enhanced somewhat and somehow. Does it mean that just coz we sleep together we need to get married? Nope. I'm not even sure if i applaud the concept of marriage. One of the relationships that i enjoyed the most was that with the Swimming Guy. Let's call him SG.
SG and i started off interestingly i guess. We both weren't ready for a full blown relationship. And yet at the same time, there was something attractive about him. I liked the way he spoke, the things that came out of his mouth. Not always flattering, but i knew there was some connection there. Maybe coz he came from an overseas education, his thinking was different from most chinese man. We did eventually fall for each other although at different times. And i guess, it was all a matter of timing at the end of the day. Maybe human beings are contradictory people and greedy at the same time. He wanted me yet wanted to see other women. I wanted him, yet wanted to see other men. But we did agree to be open and frank with each other should we one day feel something more for each other or for someone else. And the fact that we were super frank with each other, made parting easier i guess. He's going to be married next year, and i'm happy for him. I know that he has my blessings. Of course there is a part of me that wonders just what would have happened if we had both felt strongly about each other at the same time? But frankly how could that have happened? I think i was never ready to give Guardian up.
I've missed many boats in my life. I've stood at the harbour for the longest time ever. I've finally seen a boat that i would like to board. But it seems that the boat is full. But in a funny way, i'm glad. I'm glad that now that i think about it, i am not angered about the boats that i've missed, or the wrong boats that i've boarded. Instead, i thank GOD for all the wonderful people he has ushered into my life. Went out with the dirtbikers for dinner on Sunday. Met the guy that has been in love with me for the longest time. Frankly, i'm touched. But there is a part of me that wants to explain to him how he can wait at the harbour all year and i would still not board it. He is not someone that i want to be with. No doubt he is such a giving man that on the rare occasions where i ponder about the question whether it is better to love or be loved, i do think i might give him a chance. However, i don't think i will truly be happy with him. He will always be like a backup choice kinda thing that i know I cannot look him in the eye and tell him i truly love him.
But what he said did make sense as well. He said this to me on Sunday. You have been with men that you think you liked. You have had plenty of mindless relationships. Why is it that through it all, you never wanted to give me a chance?
I thought about his question long and hard, and i gave him this answer. Maybe i'm scared. I'm scared coz u love me with an intensity that i know i will never be able to match. I know that i do not want to disappoint you. It was honest words. The same words that i uttered 5 years back on the beach. I shared with him that i was really touched. And the day he learnt to let go and move on, i would be truly happy for him. I was no longer the child of 18 where i wanted everyone to love me. The more the merrier. And as i answered him, a little voice inside me laughed. How easy it was to tell someone to let go when i have been hanging on for the longest of time.
Somehow, i received a conclusion just now. I believe in my gut instincts a lot. And somehow, i think another Superman will emerge in my life. I know i have someone who cares for me and does not want to me to be hurt. But this is also someone whom i feel is not attracted to me in the sense of a man being attracted to a women. And i guess i can live with that. Did it disappoint me when i finally found out? I guess in a different way. It's alright. I know it will be. There is still a part of me that hopes and wishes that one day, he will change his mind and want more from me other then my friendship. There is even a remote part of me that would like to have an honest to goodness relationship with him. But until and unless it comes from him, then i guess life carries on. And they tell me, with each step, it gets easier. Somehow, Guardian did leave me with many important lessons. If i was never with him, i don't think i would have learnt the concept of falling. I think i would have beaten myself up. Not this time. And with a lingering smile, i think its time for bed.