Just writing

Actually, now that i've started writing on a subject that i do not know what i'm gg to write about, i've just come to realise that its pretty tough to write continuously for an hour without stopping.
Well, i guess i will write about some of the things that have influenced my life for the last few months. I feel that after i've attended POE, i've gotten some of my goals and outcomes clarified. But the scariest thing is that sometimes, you know where you want to go. But it's like being stuck out in the desert without a map and compass. And you want to get out of the desert desperately as you are running out of rations already. And as you tell yourself that if you keep walking in a straight line, you'll eventually reach somewhere. Preferably somewhere where there is water and food. But you walk on for days and days, you are exhausted and your mind starts to poder about so many things. Questions like how long more? WHat if there's nothing? What if i think i'm walking straight but actually i'm walking in circles? All these questions bog you down. You ration your resources. But yet, there is a fear of the unknown. Of uncertaintly. It's not like on the highway where there is a continuous stream of road signs, each indicating the relative distance of all locations and the possible rest points and petrol points. At least then, you are comforted by knowing how far more you are from your final destination. Even if it's not an absolute distance/number, you know roughly how far more. Or when to stop and turn back coz you've missed your exit. SO now, i feel like my goal is to get out of this desert. But what if at the end, i don't get out? Is life such a cruel place that it will leave me here to die and my meat/flesh decayed and fed to the scavengers?
I feel that a lot of times, our lives is similar to that of the desert and the highway. How true is the saying that "All roads lead to Rome?" Is it merely something that someone who is lost says to convince him/herself? Rome being the ultimate goal or the utopia in this sense. It's like the funny thing is all my life, while i was growing up, i drew up a picture of "Rome" for myself. There was not only 1 version of "Rome". In fact, there were som many endless possibilities. "Rome was meant to define my defination of ultimate success. My view, my model of the world if you can call it that.
"Rome" was a picture of a beautiful white house with some glass panels. A big lawn/yard/garden in front with a huge garage. A mansion, 2 children,1 boy and 1 girl. A loving husband and to top it off, i had a job or rather i was a partner in a huge or renowed law firms, being one of the most feared lawyers around. Was there a little puppy in the picture? Yup. A super energetic jack russel. After a few years, when i was in secondary school, "Rome" became slightly different. This time, it was a large studio apartment that was largely white with glass panels or a penthouse. The car was still the same. A sleek 4 seater convertible. THis time round, i didn't know if i was a lawyer. But i knew that i was a head of a rather large company. With more then 500-1000 people working for me or under me. There were mo kids/husband in this picture and yet, i was happy with that. When i started dating James, "Rome" slowly morphed. Or maybe i allowed it to morph. It was no longer me in my power suit and fancy houses/apartments. It was a picture of me and him growing old together. Nothing spectacular about this picture. But from it came warmth that the previous picture did not give out. And yes, there is a YET, i merely felt contented. No true joy and overwhelming happiness. And yet, it brought warmth to my heart. For a long time, i considered the question of whether i would eventually break and become the woman that i never wanted to be. And i knew when James wanted to leave that i've learn the world 'compromise'. For someone that i loved so dearly, i was willing to throw everything away. I didn't mind being the sort o9f woman he wanted. The sort that eventually give birth, stayed home as a home maker, watch and share my children's growing years and being dependent.
But this was never the life i wanted. Not a simple sort of life. I would never have been happy. I just wanted to believe so much. And yet, at times i ask myself.. if happiness is achieving your goals, the if James and i were together, then shouldn't i be happy? Is it the means that you enjoy or the ends taht you enjoy? Its so easy to say taht well, enjoy the process of attaining the outcome. BUt what of the pauper who slogs through 3 jobs a day to find sufficient money to make a one single investment so that his life can and will improve. What a farce. The process and means is never an enjoyable process. Tha's why it ultimately makes the achievement far sweeter and greater than it was ever supposed to be. Somehow, over the last few years and especially in the last few months, i've finally allowed James to move out of my life. Or rather i've moved myself out of his. Funny how things in liofe tend to play out. For a while now, all i needed was for the guy i love to be truly happy, and yet, i wasn't. And maybe that's where the term forced love and true love comes from. True love when both are truly happy and forced when only one is happy while the other is giving in. The long episode with James revealed to me so many lessons. Lessons of love, of possession, of obsession and a boxful of fears that like Pandora's box, once opened could not return. And yet, out flew HOPE. And i suppose HOPE kept all alive. As for myself, the HOPE of walking don taht right path oince again and going onward to "ROME". "ROME" has now once again changed. I know not what it is. Is it coz i dare not dream? I'm not sure. Is it... is it... is it....? I'm tired and wun write anymore. Next entry, i'll decide. Signing out.