Saturday, August 27, 2005

Conflict

How can something or rather someone that brings you so much happiness also bring you so much pain? I guess somemes in life, i know that this is a process. The things that we value the most in our lives are the things that have the greatest effect on us. You see, if a thing doesn't matter to you, would it then affect you in any way? Funny how everything in life is a circle. How then do you break out of your circle and do you then expand your circle or do you manage to break out of 1 circle only to form a new one? How useful is that?
There are so many questions in life that i ponder about. Does the person hold an effect over me after so many years? Or am i finally immune to all that he does and says? As i shared with someone last night, sometimes you don't know how far you've sunk in until the point where you are under the water. Just like a boy that is going and staning by the water, told not to get out until he is allowed to. Here, he stands till he is blue in the face. Morning cimes and he is under the water. A child so young and tender, dead to the world. Dead coz he didn't know how much he could take. Until he sunk and died. Is taht then similar to my analogy that you reach a point that you do not know what has hit you. It has. And you are shocked. What started out so quickly, has ended as well. WHat started out as a bang, endfed with an explosion.
Today, after i've decided that i wanted to expand this circle, to take baby steps out of my zone. I'm back at where i've started. I'm back at this tiny circle where i feel worse then a trapped wild animal. A free animal, trappe in a cage. Then here lies another question. Would a free bird that has been trapped and fed for such a long time that it has long lost its sense of freedom. When you next open the door to the cage, will this bird fly out? Fly out into a place where for the longest of time, it had lost touch with the wild. What if it starved to death? What if it got bullied by the rest of the pack taht could see it was tamed? The spirit had been broken. The cage was open but the bird would not fly. It would not fly coz of he gear that was inherent. And the funny thing or rather the logical thisg is that this bird once so free had changed. It was no longer the bird that got caught. It was now a bird tamed. In the years the bird had morphed. The bird had done what was needed for it to keep sane.
Now given a choice, this bird is unsure. This relates back to the point at where i am. I am that bird. Looking up at the blue sky. The cage is open. Do i fly out? Would i be able to fly after not using my wings for so long. Would i ever fit in with the rest of the pack? Would i relearn how to adapt to the wilderness that i've left for so long?
What is wall? What is a line of defense? What is this thing called a defense mechanism. What is the point of building a drawbridge to keep the castle walls safe? Only to not lift it up all the time? How do people walk in to the castle? And if no one is meant to walk into the castle, why have a drawbridge? Just have a wall to keep everyone out. But when u keep people out, you too cannot go out. See the paradox of it?

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