Wednesday, June 04, 2008

The highs and the lows

Had dinner with dad earlier on in the evening. And he popped me the weirdest question. He asked if i was seeing this guy that i've been dating for a while now. We've kept the relationship pretty hush hush for reasons only known to ourselves. And i was surprised that was so intuitive. To cut a really long story short, Dad happens to know the existence of this guy. So when he asked me about it, i was a little taken aback. I've always shared with my dad about my past relationships. Let me add a sub clause to that, only when i'm ready to talk about it. And when i'm not ready to talk about it, Dad is nice enough not to interfere.
But i guess when he brought it up, he did it as a reminder to his precious daughter whom he doesn't want to see hurt. Anyway, because i wasn't ready to talk about it and because i didn't know quite how to explain this rather peculiar relationship, i told him we were just friends. Strictly speaking, i suppose i wasn't really lying. Alright. Maybe it was a white lie. But honest truth is, there are times when i know that it's a relationship that isn't going to work. So i'll share with my Dad about this guy, that guy that i've met or i'm keen about. Hey, my Dad's way cool and doesn't judge. So i've always been pretty open with him about my buddies, the guys i'm dating or the guys that are my FB.
Anyway, it's been a while since we had dinner and had a chat. I guess we've both been busy lately and didn't really have the time to sit down and have a decent conversation. The last time being about 2 weeks back when we went to a pub for drinks. Told you my Dad was cool! Anyway, we chatted a little about stuff in general, life, our family, changes that are to come etc. In my own way, i've sorta accepted that things aren't going to work between my parents. I guess there is a part of me that is still in self denial and that i hope and pray things will eventually work out between them. After all, they've been married for such a long time it's a pity to end things just when they are going to retire and need each other as companions.
But i can also understand that my mum is not an easy person to deal with. And i have seen Dad put in so much effort and have tried all ways and means to make it work. I know he is like me in a relationship, blind faith, blind love. That we wouldn't give up trying until we have tried every known method. We are similar in that aspect and that is probably why Dad worries about the men i date. Coz he knows that our characters and view about love is similar. We talked about the what ifs as well. And what he was going to do if the divorce goes through. I guess the only good and positive thing i got out of the whole conversation was that he has decided that he would stay in Singapore after all. I have been worried for a while now when he said he wanted to leave Singapore when the divorce goes through. And now, i guess a part of my mind is at ease because he will proabably stay on. And that is really important to me coz i know i'm selfish, but i feel a lot better knowing that he is just around!
Anyway, i'm glad i was a listening ear for him. I suppose i've always been the one that he has come to rely on and depend on when the going gets tough. Or basically when he just needs someone to hear him out. To let him voice out his pent up frustrations. And i am willing to be the person for him only coz i adore him lots and lots! Hee...
Went out with my friend for coffee after that. Wasn't supposed to meet him today, so it was a pleasant and nice surprised. And i really do enjoy the moments that we share, just sitting next to or close to each other and recounting the events of the day! And because i know that he was meant to have a tough day today, i wanted to give him a chance to express his feelings and talk it out so that he would feel better. But things didn't go as planned. He didn't get to settle and resolve his problem. But i hope my presence made him feel that he's not alone and helped him feel better =) Anyway, we hung out for a while, before letting him run his errand and we hung out a bit more after that.
The after that part was the part where i got a little ahead of myself and got a little emotional. I suppose i'm constantly a complete contradiction. Today, i watched a couple of minutes of a show. And it was about a woman who has stayed by a man's side for 15years, not asking for anything in return. As in out the act of pure love. Sure they stayed together, they were practically married. But without the marriage certificate. Here's the thing of beauty. I've always believed that marriage is not the most important thing in a relationship. Sure, you get married. Technically you are bonded. By law you are bonded. In the bible, you have joined to become one! But i feel differently in many ways.
Here's the thing. I believe in marriage. I think it's nice to be able to find a soul mate, a partner who really believes in for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part! But sometimes, trying circumstances might stand in the way of marriage. And if marriage is so important, would you leave the person that you love just so you can fulfill that wish of yours? I guess in that aspect, i'm different. Maybe coz many many years ago, i thought about this issue quite a bit. Being with Guardian made me think about numerous what ifs. And at that point of time, i had to decide if i loved him enough to play second fiddle for the rest of my life. And i was prepared. Yes, status is important to a certain extent. But i suppose between choosing a status and being with the one i love, i choose the latter.
I suppose the most magical moment would be when you can bring both together in probably what u would know as the union of souls. To love and to seal that love with a status befitting the one you love. To join as one!
I teared in the car while we were chatting because i had to struggle with questions that i had been dealing with for a long time and had shelved away when Guardian and i decided to call it quits. The toughest thing i think about dating a married man has always been this and i suppose will always be these couple of issues for me. When you're not feeling well and just want someone to talk to or share, you can't if he's home with his wife. Which also equates out to be when you really need him, you can't tell him or share with him immediately. You have to wait till the scheduled time. Special occasions are always spent alone. Coz that's probably also when he's with his family. You won't get to cuddle and fall asleep next to each other as and when you would like to. Dates must be planned way in advance. And probably only when the family is out of town. You won't be able to makes concrete plans to go away and spend time together on a whim. Again, this must be done with due care. The relationship will forever be on a hush hush, you'll have to watch over your shoulder when you're out. You have to make sure you are non touchy in public, no public display of affections and a host of other things that come with an illicit relationship. And on top of it all, you would have to be prepared that he will one day tell you that it has to come to an end coz the wife knows about it and he is not prepared to leave her. I suppose one could say if they truly loved the guy, then all these is a small price to pay. And that the most altruistic thing to do when push comes to shove is to set him free. That's love i suppose. But that is a high price to pay for love. And the last question you would need to ask is, is that the price you're willing to pay?
When Guardian and I were seeing each other, our relationship become such a routine that i went through the highs and the lows constantly. I think the toughest part for me was probably not being able to call/share with him especially when i had a really lousy day or when i was feeling blue. Ok, probably the special occasions was also tough. Throughout those years, i hated every Christmas, every Valentines day, and very much sadden on his birthday because i knew it was his wife that was celebrating for him. Yes. I know that these are just dates and that i could probably celebrate his birthday earlier. Celebrate Valentine's day any day of the year etc. But somehow, it gets to me. Hard to put it in words to explain. But it just does.
Till today, i know that i really really loved Guardian lots coz after the extended length of our relationship, i never once hated him for all that has happened. I could never find it in my heart to hate a man that i once adored and loved so much. And that again is what love is. I can never understand people who break up and wish the worse for their partners. I know it's a fine line between love and hate. But to me, love just ain't like that. Maybe that's why all my ex boyfriends are still my friends and buddies today except for COW who was an absolute idiot.
Anyway, i still stand by my very idealistic way of thinking. It is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. And i just hope in my very selfish manner of thinking, i would not cause hurt and harm to others and those around them. Namely the innocent parties. I know i can call it quits now when the stakes are low. The mind is willing but the heart is not. On the flipside, we'll see where this road takes us. Maybe it won't even last past the second month??
But then again, i guess i had my answer even before i started blogging. Truth is this. I've decided that i don't just want to be another girlfriend or his little princess. I really hope to be his confidante, his best friend, his soulmate. That at the end of the day, even if we will never have a future together as husband and wife, or even if circumstances forces us to part ways, i would genuinely be happy for him and there will always be warmth in my heart knowing that in my own ways, i have brought joy to his life, and made the times we had together in his life a little easier to bear and added a little more sunshine to his life. That in me, he will have a friend that he can rely on for life! Idealistic?

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