Commitment phobic

Today while chatting with a girlfriend, she mentioned this about me. Said i was commitment phobic. Which probably explains my choices in partners and the men i date. Is it true? I've asked myself this question from time to time as well. And i would think in a really peculiar way, i am quite like that. Scared of making a commitment. Or rather, maybe in my subconscious mind, i am scared of making that commitment which explains why i constantly date who are emotionally unavailable.
I don't think i've always been this way. If you ask me whether i believe in true love, my immediate answer would be yes. If you ask me whether i believe in the sanctity of marriage, then my answer is yes as well. But if you give me time to think of these questions, then i would often waver from my original answer. Maybe i take commitment way too seriously. Or maybe just maybe i take things in life way too seriously. Often i ask myself why can't i just be happy-go-lucky and enjoy the moment as it is. Why is there a need for my brain to constantly go on overdrive? But i believe the only word i can think of at this point of time is this word Conditioning.
Each and everyone of us has been conditioned throughout our lives to think in a certain way and manner. It explains why we wake up in the morning and have to use the toilet. Why we need to brush our teeth or have our coffee in the morning. It explains why we go about doing the many things that we do. Conditioning. In sports, it explains why there is a need to warm up and stretch. Why the mind needs to be primed up before a race. Ok, maybe the examples i've given fall more into the realm of habit then conditioning. But you get my drift.
Basically, most of us, are conditioned since young to like certain things, to dislike certain things. To do certain things in certain ways, and not to do certain things etc. There is a series of connections in our brains that connect the way we view things. Something like a reflex action. Not so much a knee jerk reaction. So, if i can use this example of conditioning as to the key reason why i am commitment phobic, then it probably means i haven't gotten past my other plethora of issues and am still stuck in the little circle or hole that i've dug myself.
Maybe over the years of failed relationships have conditioned my brain to be on a high alert when it comes to love. It seems almost fitting now, as i glance back in my life to the numerous number of emotionally unavailable men that i've dated. Or maybe its just all a self fulfilling prophecy. That because of my insecurities and uncertainties, or because the guy can feel my overwhelming reluctance to commit, they tend to walk away.
But the funny thing is this. In my own way, i don't think i'm quite commitment phobic. I suppose when i meet the right guy, i would be willing to let my guard down, and soak in the atmosphere and the pleasantries of being in love.
There i've said it. =P
Anyway, an incident occurred this afternoon. Nothing major. Nothing to jump up about. In fact, it is probably so insignificant that it is not worth mentioning. But, as i am bored and want to lengthen my post, i shall blog about it. I hate the feeling of waiting for the phone to ring or for an sms to come in. This i can say with certainty that there is always a sense of foreboding when this happens. I remembered when Guardian didn't return my calls/sms the whole day for the first time ever, it was when he was ready to leave and break up. Or the next couple of times, it was always after i would get a call saying he's had a crash was in hospital and the most optimistic one would be the break up. So i suppose at the back of my mind, disappearing games scare the hell out of me. Over the years, i've learnt to disassociate myself. But yet again, sometimes things are easier said then done. Especially when matters of the heart are of concern. Which explains why i seldom like to be the first one to drop an sms to someone or call a person whom i know would probably not return my call. Or which explains why most of my smses are rather generic in nature. Hee... Anyway, like i said before, it's not an issue. Just something i was thinking about this afternoon.
Eh, last note before i sign off, body still acting like i'm going through puberty. Hungry every two hours. Damn... Lost 1kg from the marathon, judging from the way i've been stuffing myself with food the last 2 days, i think i can easily say i put on 5 times what i shed. That is so not healthy. Tata