Torn

Ever so often as i listen to friends tell me about their love stories, or their love lives, i often wonder whether this is going to be the one. This is going to be THE relationship for them. Whether a couple months or a couple of years down the road, i would receiving a wedding invite from him/her and attend their wedding. Whether they will grow old together. Whether they will stay married.
When i was younger, i had very strong beliefs about love. There was a moral high ground of right or wrong. There were things which were acceptable and things that were not. But over the years, i've come to realize that as you push the boundaries a little with each year and with each new relationship, there will come a time where black is not longer black and white is no longer white. That maybe, when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no black or white. Just a lot of chemistry and lots of wonderful feelings. I'm sure you all know how i feel about gay realtionships. I've always been a strong advocate of gay relationships because i've always felt that love is very magical and special. And that it would not always be confined to the boundaries of girl-boy but that love could occur between girl-girl, or boy-boy. And it would still be love. While i once thought that a healthy gap between a couple should not be more then 10 years, i've also come to accept that love transcends vast age groups. So, in my dictionary, there probably is nothing wrong with any of the above. That's just love.
But i guess something that i've been struggling to understand for a while now is can it be possible for the heart to be divided and for a person to love two people at the very same time. And can love be shared? I know love isn't a 50% 50% thing. That sometimes, in a given relationship, you might be giving 80% while the other party gives only 20%. But when you're in love, all that is fine. That you just want to be with the person night and day, and just want to make the person happy. Just want to be a part of the person's life. Just hope to have a chance to play a pivotal role in ther person's life. But this feeling is also built on the hope that one day, you would become the priority in the other person's life. That the person would one day realize your importance and tell you that he/she loves you. And all the time and effort will be worth it. But what would happen then if you knew from the start that it could possibly be a 80%,20% relationship and that it would not change no matter how long you hung around, or how hard you work at a relationship? Would you still give your best? If love is blind then would you carry on blindly even without any hopes of any returns?
Someone once asked that since i'm still not attached, or in a serious relationship, is it coz i've set my standards too high? Or am i just too picky? But the truth is this. I've just not been very lucky when it comes to matters of the heart. Or maybe not so much luck, but more of stubborn to the very core. I've always believe in giving Love a shot. That i am able to keep on giving until one day when i have nothing left to give, then i will be able to walk away without any regrets. But with this sort of thinking, i find that i constantly get let down because i am constantly pushing the boundaries. And one day, i realize that i've gone so far that there is just no turning back. And being let down hurts big time. And talking about time, time and tide waits for no man. So, would you subscribe to the give love a chance or would you subscribe to cutting your losses? Tough one.
Have quite a bit more to blog, but too damn tired. Anyway, just a note to my faithful readers, will be putting the blog in private mode for a period. =) Just need some really really personal space. Cheers and nitez!