ENR

After much deliberation, decided to head out to bike. Maybe i was tired. Maybe i was drained. Maybe i was just irritated by the nonsense at work. Lots and lots of maybes....
But there was no maybe that rang true to my heart except the maybe of seeing him today! Guardian called in the afternoon. I missed the call somehow. And when i got to office, i noticed the missed call on my phone, and called him back. In the moments of waiting for the call to be picked up, i first felt a feeling of anxiety. Was he alright, is everything ok? Did something happen? Did he need my help? As it turns out, all he wanted was to have a cup of coffee and chill coz he was at the workshop near my office. But this afternoon's encounter made me understand something really important. That whilst i will always care for Guardian, worry about his well being, wanting to be kept abreast of the things that are going in his life, the truth was that i was just glad he was fine and happy. I have stopped wanting us to have a future together. I have stopped pinning for him. In the months and years that have passed and i had been waiting for him to return, i have finally stopped wishing that we would eventually get back.
Guardian was my first love. And i've come to understand that you don't necessarily marry the man you loved the most and most deeply. First loves are usually the most beautiful. That first touch, that first kiss, that first intimacy.... But there it was. Lots and lots of first, and picture books after picture books of memories. Some beautiful, some ugly. But most picture books only tell of the beautiful times. The holidays, the outings, the anniversaries, the birthdays etc. And i realized that those were the ones that were etched in my head/heart. That i will forever remember the beauty of our love. The times we spent together, the memories and life we made together in the time that we were together. But something had changed fundamentally in our relationship. The practical side of me understood that what we could not deal with and come to an agreement on in the last 12 years, were unlikely to be resolved with us getting back together. That these issues were too sunk in. That if they could have been resolved, we would have done so a long long time ago. And as i see the smiling face, i realize that our happiness might not lie with each other, and that we had to be prepared to accept it. Maybe he accepted it a long time ago, years back, and moved on. But i had not. And in the process dug a deeper hole to bury myself in the beautiful memories and moments.
Our encounter today brought out a well of emotions deep within me. The sense of relief that he was doing well. Happiness knowing that he was happy. A tinge of regret and the maybes. But the most important thing that got to me was, do i really want to walk down the same path again? Or would i want to do it all over again? Have i over the long months and year, desensitize myself to the beauty of relationships?
I so very much want to fall in love without a care in the world. I so very much want to be the fairy tale princess where my prince charming and i will live happily ever after. But i don't believe in it anymore. What Guardian robbed me of was the child-like belief and innocence. That love was a beautiful thing. In fact, love hurts. Love hurts more then any physical pain i can imagine. So would you dive head down, and nose in, knowing that a relationship was doom to start off with? I know how difficult it is for me to pull myself out when i am in love. Maybe those are the characteristics of the taurean monkey. And how difficult to walk away from a person. But i also know that i don't want history to repeat itself over and over again for me to re learn the same lessons that i had already learned but refuse to acknowledge. How many more times must i fall before i walk around that hole? And that was probably all i could think about all along the ride.
Anyway, on a lighter note, headed off to ENR after picking Teryn up from her place. Didn't do the full two loops as my legs started to hurt after the first loop. Decided to go easy on them. During dinner, i heard something that bugged me in a rather peculiar way. Someone said they thought they stopped seeing me at trainings coz i was burnt out. Then some other guys were discussing that maybe sundown had been such a bad experience that i had developed a phobia. Or boinked. All their reasons were valid. I was burnt out, i had developed a fear and dread that i didn't use to have, and i was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. Sundown had indeed scared me. And made me see that i was not infallible.
But that said and done, i'm glad i headed out to bike today although it was a short ride with the ride not being up to standard. It didn't make my not so good day very much better coz still bogged down by the sore knees and hams. But it gave me alone time to think and sort out my thoughts and feelings. Something that i had not done in the last couple of weeks. I so need to get away and just chill and decide where exactly do i go from here?
Would you really be able to enjoy a story, knowing that there was no ending to it?