Running away

I so very much want to run away. I really can't deal with the well of emotions that are going through my mind and my heart right now. Right from the day when i decided to call it quits with Guardian, because i really couldn't handle it any longer. I really couldn't stand the 9 lousy days and 1 good day. I couldn't handle the fact that i was always second best. I couldn't handle putting my life on hold just coz i wanted to please him. I couldn't handle the fact that each time he came back, he came back with the same promises. And each time he left, he took those promises he made and a little bit of my shattered heart.
And so, when he left, i told myself that i was never going to do this again. Never going to go through this emotional roller coaster again. And so, i turned back to the 1 thing i knew i could trust and that would not fail me. One thing that i could put my heart, my mind, my soul into and not have any fear of it striking back. Not have any fear of it making me lose my mind.
And yet, i feel like i'm going through the cycle all over again. This morning's episode with Darling left me confused, frustrated, lost and suddenly all those horrid feelings came rushing back. All that fear. All that insecurity. All that helplessness. It flooded me. It was so powerful. And i didn't see it coming. It felt like i got hit by a really huge Tsunami. And it paralysed me for the rest of the day. I was so lost. I felt like a wandering soul. Like someone sucked the life out of me and left me standing. I knew i didn't want to experience this feeling any more. Terrified, petrified.
I know Darling made the effort to come out and see me this evening. I know he wanted to share with me how he felt. I know he needed an outlet for his thoughts. And i did as much as i could just listening to him. I thought going to PS would make me feel better after the horrid horrd morning and afternoon. Instead, at PS, i felt a sea of sadness engulf me. I know i won't return there again. Seems like every time i go there with some guy, something unpleasant happens. And all i wanted to do was share my favourite place with the most important person in my life right now. And yet, somehow, everything about the place seemed all wrong tonight.
We talked a little before we headed home. I guess he was tired. But i finally opened up and shared with him something so deep in my heart that only 2 people in the whole wide world know about. Ok. Maybe it's 3. Queboo, Guardian and the mystery someone. I remembered Guardian telling me once that i was silly and stupid. And i will never find another man who will be able to accept what had happened. But i wanted Darling to be different. In fact i never even shared this story with TG before. But somehow, i felt that Darling would understand. That he would from there, understand why i act the way i do sometimes. Or why i say things in a certain manner at other times. I was quite torn for a while. Should i say? Should i not? Would he despise me after that? Would he still be able to look at me and see me as his angel?
He didn't say anything. I guess there wasn't a need for words. The look on his face and eyes told me it was a mistake. That i should have made my peace and kept my mouth shut. He just said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I don't blame him. It was entirely my choice for wanting to share this with him. And the only reason why i've kept it inside me for so many years is because of this exact reaction. But i really just wanted to give him a part of me. And yet....
I'm very tired. I have no more energy. I don't want to fight anymore. I admit defeat. For a while, Darling made me feel like there was someone in the world who was genuine, who really cared. Who felt that i was important. And i thank him for making me feel this way. But, the look said it all. I give up!