Another week that passed

Another week has passed. And it was a week that went by like a whirlwind. I really have no idea how i feel or how to feel. Everything seems like it's in a mess now. Funnily, i am so unsure of what to feel that i'm swinging back and forth between the two extremes. In fact, i wanted to feelings to sink in before blogging. But Saturday went by in a blur, so did Sunday. And today, i am still unsure of my own feelings. I guess it's generally quite sad when you can't even place a finger on what is right and what is wrong.
The last two nights, i have willed myself to sleep. But sleep doesn't come easy. I think maybe also because at times, my mind is on overdrive. Sometimes, i feel overwhelming sadness. Others, i question myself just what exactly did i do wrong. Where did i go wrong. It's been a while since i felt this way. When Guardian left, i struggled with this. I remember others telling me that i didn't do anything wrong. That in a relationship, there will be times where it doesn't work out. That it takes two hands to clap. And i shouldn't take it so personally and so hard. That the relationship ending does not make me a lesser person than i was. That a relationship ending doesn't mean that i wasn't good enough or i didn't do enough. It just meant that things weren't meant to work out.
I don't believe i ever recovered from things between Guardian and I. Yes, over the years, i've taken little steps to move on. But somehow, i lost myself when i was with him. I lost myself as a person. Lost my personal self respect. I asked myself what could have changed and even i am not sure. But i know that over the years, i have slowly recovered a little bit with each passing year and with the dulling of the pain.
Over the weekend, i asked myself if i was silly to have started this whole relationship? To have taken the step forward. And it scares me that i'm beginning to lose myself. To lose the little that i've built up. I still love him. In fact, i would say, i love him almost as much as i loved Guardian despite the short length of time we've been together. And it's hardest to know that the trust between us has been betrayed. That maybe there was nothing there to start off with. When i was really young, and i was in school, i remembered the song about the wise man and the foolish. The wise man built his house upon the rock, the wise man built his house upon the rock the wise man built his house upon the rock and the rain started falling down. The rain came down and the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods came up. The rain came down and the floods came up, and the house on the rock stood still. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, and the rain kept falling down. The rain came down and the floods came up, the rain came down and the floods came up. The rain came down and the floods came up, and the house on the sand fell down.
Bottom line is this. Every relationship needs a strong foundation. In fact, everything you do in life needs a strong foundation. I suppose i was very much like the foolish man who built his house upon the sand. It's sad really. That i learnt this when i was younger then 10. And i have to relearn this through the hard way when i'm 2 decades older.
Sounds really logical, rational. I guess that's the calm part of me talking. The irrational and emotional side wants to rant out, wail out and ask him and the whole bloody world, WHY? What went wrong. Why do human beings betray each other? How came you claim that you love me one day and not the next? Why tell me you want an honest and open relationshp when you choose concsiously to lie to me when faced with a decidedly difficult situation. What does it say about you? On the flipside, what does it say about my judgement of a person? How can i be with different people and erred so many times in my judgement. Sighz
The emotional part of me wants to run away. Was at the airport last night. I wished i could have just boarded the next flight out of Singapore and ran as far away as possible. But i suppose i've done that often enough to know that at some point of time i would have to return back to Singapore. At some point of time, i still have to face reality. But it hurts. It hurts like hell. I'm in pain and the hardest part is, i have to pretend that none of this affects me. Because it'll be damn hard to explain to the folks back home and friends around me just why am i so upset. Or who i am dating.
He made a statement that resontated with me yesterday. He asked, aren't you tired? I am asking myself, do i try again because i love him and still feel a lot for him, or do i give up because truth is i really am tired.
I feel like i've done everything that i can. Tried everything. And yet, you cannot imagine the pain of it all to find out that you've been lied to. That the man that you look at all the time, and think only wonderful and beautiful things about him, crept right in front of you, and stabbed you in the chest. And you let him, because even when you saw the knife, you wanted to believe that he would never harm you coz he was that one person that you trusted. Tired.. Blog again later.