Is there a perfect someone out there for us? Or are there many people who are just meant for us? I wondered about this topic for some time now. And did we get carried away over the years by the fairy tales about Prince Charming and all. Or is it simply, at the end of the day, just someone we would eventually learn to grow old with and care about?
The other night, while i was out with TG, he said, he thinks i adore him only coz i see him once in a while, and that each time we are out, we do things that we both enjoy. And that if i were to spend every minute of everyday with him, i would not adore and love him so much. And what shocked me was the answer that i blurted out even without thinking. I told him, well, i disagree. I think that when you truly love and adore someone, you will find new things to love about the person everyday. That each day will only be more beautiful coz the things you love about the person just keeps growing longer. Of course we didn't pursue that topic, since it was late and the next day was a working day.
But i must say, maybe subconsciously, that is really what i believe in. That as the days grow, i would love more and more things about a person if i truly adored the person.
Who do i want and what sort of person am i looking for?
Well, first and foremost, i want a man that will respect and adore me. Someone who values my opinions and comments even when it differs from his. I want a man who is ambitious and driven. Coz i think that those are the very characteristics that attract me the most. A man who is confident enough to show his weaknesses and sensitive side, because he knows that everyone has some of those. Someone who believes in communication. Coz i think that communication keeps the relationship growing. I would like a man who is also wise and patient. Who understands that i may not know everything and that i am still learning. And who takes time to involve himself in my life and involve me in his. I would like a guy who takes time off his busy schedule once in a while to do things that couples enjoy, like taking a holiday trip, or just chilling out. I would be lying if i said i didn't expect my man to have some money. I would like a man to be able to buy me a cartier watch or LV wallet just coz he thinks it will cheer me up or just coz he wants to pamper me. Not because i cannot affort it on my own, but coz he enjoys making me happy. And of course, someone who believes in growing old with me.
The other night, i was out having dinner with 2 friends. And this topic came up. My gf asked just what sort of person i wanted to be with. I said, well, all of the above that i mentioned. And she nodded her head in agreement. Of course we don't all have the same opinions. And there are things that differ a little here and there. But basically, that is the framework. Of course i could be a little more specific. But i think i know what i want. As i grow older, and hopefully become more matured, i can see a little clearer, the picture of who and what i want.
Was also out with Guardian the other night. And i asked him, so what do you want in life? And he said this was the life he wanted. And that he has everything he wants in life. So i asked him, what exactly is the everything you want in life? And he mentioned that he wanted a car that was modified, could go really fast, not have to worry about 3 meals a day coz he has a job, and that he was contented. At that moment, it dawned on me, that we were really tow individuals, wanting to walk down different paths. You see, i am so touched by what he has done for me recently. And especially after the disappointed i had in KL. I came back feeling so rejected. I made up my mind to stay on as platonic friends with TG only coz i believe that he is worthy as a friend. If nothing ever happens between TG and myself, i would be comforted in knowing that his happiness lies somewhere else and that for the rest of my life, i would have like a mentor friend. With Guardian, i feel very comfortable with him. And yet, being with him, is always like taking a step back. Relaxing. Being contented with 3 meals a day, a roof over the head. And that is not what i want to do.
I told Guardian, that my dream is to earn shit loads of money, so that i can adopt children from all over the world and give them an education. So that i can play my part and give back to society. Hey, i'm not so altruistic that i will give away every cent i have. But i want to earn more, so that i have the ability to help more people. I don't want to just get by. And maybe that's where the gulf is between us. And i see it widening every day and every time we meet up. And it scares me. Coz i know there will come a day where the gulf is so wide that there will not be a chance for us to bridge it. I'm thinking, am i very selfish? If i lay down my terms, then he would have to change to suit me. And is that being too selfish?
My gf told me that night, that guardian is like my security blanket. And that from day one, 11 years ago, she knew that there would come one day that i would feel the way i did today. So now the question is, can i compromise on the things that i want? The heart knows the answer.....