Sunday, October 11, 2009

Confessions, apologies....

Its been 6 months since I last blogged. I suppose I didn’t want my entire blog to sound like I was whining and whining because that seems to be mostly what I do. I guess its one of those things that you hope in 20 years time or 50 years time when you are old and haggard, i might still look back at my blog and ponder and be amused about the things that have colored my life. The happy moments that I’ve had, the tears that have been wiped dry, the decisions that I’ve made at that point of my life. Or rather in this point of my life.

A quick update about what has gone on in my life would be that there really hasn’t been much. I don’t see myself as a high flyer when it comes to work. I suppose the lack of discipline and drive could account to why I’m really just an average joe. In my times of reflection, I ask myself how do I see myself? Who am i? Am I that young bubbly girl who would chat non stop to people because I was eager to find out more about what people do, what goes on in their life? Am I that leader whom could influence and lead my peers and who believed that I could help my peers change the system? Am I that best friend that people call, turn to when they are in trouble because they know for a fact that I will lend a listening ear, because I value their friendship? Am I the person who sticks closely to what I believe in, to be ethical, to not harm a fellow human being, to be better then I was yesterday? Am I that young woman whom, when seeing a man beat up a woman, step forward and tell the man to stop despite me being fearful that the man was going to beat me up? But fear would not stop me from doing what was right? Am I that person whom once had hopes and aspirations, who believed I was deemed for greater things in life and believed that slowly but surely, with hard work and dedication, I would make my mark in life, do more for man kind, be the kind of friend my friends are looking for without compromising who I am…. But the real question then is…. Who am I?

The last couple of months have had a huge impact on my life, my way of thinking. To blame it all on the last couple of months would be unfair I guess. I’ve really been reflecting loads and it doesn’t feel good to know that I’ve completely changed. As a person. My beliefs. My ideals. The way I view life as a whole and in general. And the worse thing is, I’ve become someone that I totally dislike and being me repulses me. Does that make sense?

In fact, in the last 6 months, I made a decision, albeit a hasty one, that has eaten me alive. Funny how those who are not in the picture will say the famous 4 words. ‘I told you so.’ But its really too late for any regrets now. It’s eating me alive and maybe I don’t want to deal with it. Or maybe, I really don’t know how to deal with it. Sighz….

In fact, every day since the end of June, I’ve been asking myself Why? My bro says I’ve always been a hasty one. Impulsive. Or maybe just intent on getting things done my way. Is that true? In retrospect, I will have to admit it as the facts speak for itself. The hasty decision to quit uni, the hasty decision to break my bond, the argument with Ashley, the argument that led to me throwing my resignation letter with HSBC. One hasty decision after another. But nothing pains me as much as this last one. Maybe because it’s still new and it’s still raw. And yet, at the bottom of my heart, I know its really because throughout it all, I lost someone that I valued as my best friend.

Maybe the worst thing in life is not the forgiveness that has been given but not acted upon. It’s not being able to forgive yourself despite the reassurances of the person whom you have wronged saying that you are forgiven. Truth be told, a glass one shattered cannot be mended. Each time you look into the mirror, you are reminded by the cracks and the glue that is merely holding the glass together. I once told this friend, that once a white piece of paper has had writings or paintings on it, even if you use correction pen or paint it over white, the paper is tainted. And I suppose it parallels the example of the glass.

I told this friend once two wrongs don’t make a right. And I’m ashamed that I’ve done that wrong. In fact, in the last 3 plus months, I’ve been awashed with guilt. With remorse. I wish there was much more I can do to gain back the trust and friendship that I’ve wrecked. But the sad fact is that unless given a chance, there is nothing I can do if the person chooses to shut me out of his life. Again, I cannot blame him, because if things were reversed and I was in the same situation, I too would be wary and might not be prepared to give even my best friend a second chance. I cannot blame him for his actions, only myself for escalating things to this stage. And it pains me. It hurts me. It’s eating me alive. I’m wrecked by guilt, by remorse. I wish someone can take a magic duster and wipe it all away. I wish I could go back in time and make a different choice. I wish I could have taken the high road instead of the very steps that I took.

When they say life gives you second chances, I really hope they are right. Today if given a chance, I will do everything I can to make things right. To prove my worth as a friend. Whether this friend is worth it or not in the first place should not matter in my decision. Because only then am I being true to myself. If I die tomorrow and realize I have not done everything I could to make peace and make things right, then even if I have done a million more right things in my life, I would have failed terribly as a person.

That day that I did that horrible and wrong act, I not only lost a very close friend, I lost myself. I only wish and pray and hope that GOD will give me a chance to redeem myself. To not only make things right with him, with my friend but also with myself. I know I will treasure that opportunity and make the best decisions I can if given that chance. All I ask….. is for another chance. To glue that mirror back, to be there to tell the person who looks into the mirror that beyond the cracks and glue, therein lies a beautiful person.

Thought of the day: As we age, we tend to place less emphasis on the things that were once important to us. Instead, the things that we take for granted surge in value. Or maybe our priorities were just misguided in the first place......

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