There were always things that i felt a relationship should have or must have for it to grow and for it to be sustainable. And of course one of the key factors is this thing called trust. Besides trust, there are other things that i feel would make a relationship work, and communication being equally important.
For a long time now, i have known that these two are important factors that make a relationship work. I remembered when i had just started dating. And i always told my boyfriend then how important these two were. That we needed to trust each other and we needed to keep the communication lines open. Maybe i'll talk more about communication later. But my focus today is on trust.
How do you know you can trust someone? How do you know that the person that you are falling asleep next to every night does not have a secret life? Or another family? Or numerous mistresses outside? How do you trust someone new? How do you know? Well, i must say, at the start of any new relationship, there is always a matter of how much to trust a person. maybe i have had childlike faith all my life, and i believe that everyone is good until proven evil. And therefore, i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I'm not sure if i have mentioned it before. But there was once a long time ago where i would check one of my boyfriend's handphone for sms/calls. It bugged me a lot. Coz i was bothered that i could not trust him. I guess that was also because he had cheated on me a couple of times, and each time, he would come back and say he was sorry and it would never happen again. And time and again i relented. But after a while, i would start checking his call list and sms list. I didn't like what i had become, and needless to say, we have long broken up and are no longer seeing each other. We are not even friends today. And i guess that's also because i feel that any bridges that we had ever built were long burnt.
Today, i did the same thing again. I had the opportunity to see his handphone, and i went through the sms list. And true enough, i saw things that i would have rather not seen. What's a little harmless sms you might say? But to me, it really was a big deal. Whenever i'm with him, i feel that he brings out the worst in me. Its no excuse, but i know that this isn't right.
My idea of a relationship isn't like that. Two people come together to complement each other's life. To make each other strive to be better. And for that to happen, there must be a degree of trust in each other. for two people who get married, the wedding vows say, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.... If there is no trust in each other, how would you have the security that the person would not walk once there is tension or uncertainty? That the person would brave the storm with you? And for me, it boiled down to the fact that i could not even trust him when he is alone, or out with others, how then can i trust my future and my life in his hands? How then can we ever hope to build a future together?
Today's incident made me think of a couple of things.
1) I don't trust him any longer
2) He is capable of loving many women at any one time, and if i were to accept him, then i have to accept that i might not be the only woman in his life at any one time.
3) That i don't like myself when i am with him, and yet if i refuse to look deeper into our problems, i can have fun when i am out with him.
4) I was confused when i saw his sms to her saying he missed her.
5) I don't believe in him any longer
6) Its time to correct a 10 yr mistake and not dwell in it
7) Its time i made some decisions for myself and for my life rather then for him.
8) The mind is willing but the heart is weak....
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