Grouchy and emo....

Feeling damn emo and grouchy today. So decided to post a little. The day started well and bright. Was up early despite a late night out. Woke up with more then sufficient time to spare to take my own sweet time to go to work. Reached work before morning meeting, so still considered early. Somehow, the day seemed to go downhill from there.
I really don't know at which part it started to turn. Or maybe it's just my reaction to him.. Or his lack of action, emotions on his part. Ok... I know it really has been a while and i so damn well should have moved on and all.. but i still look forward to seeing him.. And it's been such a routine lately that when it is changed, i get thrown off and uncomfortable.
Honestly i'm damn glad for him. He's been doing so well lately and i wish i could be doing as well as him or even better. Or maybe if i really did focus, i would. But i can't help but want to see him and spend time with him. I wish i was stronger and better then that.. but unfortunately i'm not.
It'll be a lie to say that once i hit club 30s, i'll let go and move on. I can't deal with this any longer. I really don't have the will power and strength to pretend. I can't. I give up. And maybe that is a good thing. Because at some point, i know i'm the sort that has to be so disheartened that i give up. And then, there will be no more looking back.... Sighz..,. i really need to find my life back.. just don't know where to start and where the hell it went... =(

One year on......

Its been 6 months since the last post and one year since the post before the last! N I am blogging off my iPhone.
Can't quite place my finger on things but suddenly had a strong inclination to blog... To juz let my thoughts and feelings run with the words that flow in this post. A little update first on life in general if there is still any followings on this page of mine.. Still in the same job although thoughts of moving to another bank did fritter cross my mind. But despite the fact that I don't quite appreciate my direct boss and she probably doesn't appreciate me too, the decision was to stay n just be focused on why I moved in the first place. Oki my boss hates me! But surely that is not a good reason to jump ship... Or is it?
Work is slowly picking up for me I hope. One year is a long time to adjust to a place and culture. But I've never claimed to be a fast adjuster! Haha... What can I same? SSDD... Same shit different day... The occassional big fish that swims by makes it seem right for a couple of days and we are back to the grind wishing for another fish to swim by... Often it seems like a test of luck rather then serious skill... N I have never been particularly lucky... Other then that, nothing more about work... Colleagues are great.. But then again, I sorta am the sort that could blend in anywhere... So that's that.
On the home front, bro's getting married next month. Real excited an happy for him other then the fact that shopping for a dress is a bitch and I dun really enjoy having to buy another dress that I'll probably only wear once n not wear again.. Wife to be seems nice... N we click... N that helps... Haha... So there will be a new addition to my family soon :-) Daddy's health hasn't been fantastic. Gave me quite a scare when he was warded last week. Things at home have been relatively calm and maybe coz everyone is so engrossed with the wedding preparations! Yay! Cousins and aunties and maybe granny will be in town next month for the wedding. I couldn't be more excited! Really miss them loads! Haven't seen them since 2008! Gosh! It's been ages since I last saw them all. The neices especially... They must be almost 3 now... Wonder if they'll know who the hell I am.... Oh well...
On to the next topic... What else is there? Work, family... Erm personal life I guess... I've sold my life to my job... Kidding... That would never happen. Life is just way too precious... Sometimes... But it's a good distractor and nice colleagues help... Truth be told, I still miss him like hell. I think deep down in the bottom of my heart, I really do still love him and care shit loads about him. I'm still sensitive to his comments and his moods... N nope... It's only one way. Sigh... I know I really ought to get a life and move on, but knowing is one thing, wanting to put what u know into action is another... Like we all know that smoking and drinking is bad for health and we ought so stop but we do it anyway. I remember once I wrote something about secondary effects/pleasure... Maybe this is the reason... Maybe it's just another one of my damn excuses... But I'll live... N it doesn't really change much in the whole schema of things.
He's been doing great! We still hang out as friends once in a while... N i've been keeping track of news of him, and he's really doing great! Am damn proud and happy for him... It would be perfect if he'll glance my way and pick up where we left off, but it's just wishful thinking on my part and will probably not actualise. But hope fuels all mankind and it's nice to dream about it once in a while... Time has healed the pain and hurt but it sure hasn't stopped the longing... Or maybe just maybe I refuse to let it go... So we still go for coffee and pretend we are both cool about being friends and chilling :-) well, if that is all I can have, it's better then nothing right? Or maybe one day I'll just get tired and move on like what happened with Guardian...
So all in all, that sums up the last couple of months... N it's time for bed so I can wake up early for brekkie tomorrow with daddy before work! Looking forward to father-daughter time! NiteZ peeps...

Confessions, apologies....

Its been 6 months since I last blogged. I suppose I didn’t want my entire blog to sound like I was whining and whining because that seems to be mostly what I do. I guess its one of those things that you hope in 20 years time or 50 years time when you are old and haggard, i might still look back at my blog and ponder and be amused about the things that have colored my life. The happy moments that I’ve had, the tears that have been wiped dry, the decisions that I’ve made at that point of my life. Or rather in this point of my life.

A quick update about what has gone on in my life would be that there really hasn’t been much. I don’t see myself as a high flyer when it comes to work. I suppose the lack of discipline and drive could account to why I’m really just an average joe. In my times of reflection, I ask myself how do I see myself? Who am i? Am I that young bubbly girl who would chat non stop to people because I was eager to find out more about what people do, what goes on in their life? Am I that leader whom could influence and lead my peers and who believed that I could help my peers change the system? Am I that best friend that people call, turn to when they are in trouble because they know for a fact that I will lend a listening ear, because I value their friendship? Am I the person who sticks closely to what I believe in, to be ethical, to not harm a fellow human being, to be better then I was yesterday? Am I that young woman whom, when seeing a man beat up a woman, step forward and tell the man to stop despite me being fearful that the man was going to beat me up? But fear would not stop me from doing what was right? Am I that person whom once had hopes and aspirations, who believed I was deemed for greater things in life and believed that slowly but surely, with hard work and dedication, I would make my mark in life, do more for man kind, be the kind of friend my friends are looking for without compromising who I am…. But the real question then is…. Who am I?

The last couple of months have had a huge impact on my life, my way of thinking. To blame it all on the last couple of months would be unfair I guess. I’ve really been reflecting loads and it doesn’t feel good to know that I’ve completely changed. As a person. My beliefs. My ideals. The way I view life as a whole and in general. And the worse thing is, I’ve become someone that I totally dislike and being me repulses me. Does that make sense?

In fact, in the last 6 months, I made a decision, albeit a hasty one, that has eaten me alive. Funny how those who are not in the picture will say the famous 4 words. ‘I told you so.’ But its really too late for any regrets now. It’s eating me alive and maybe I don’t want to deal with it. Or maybe, I really don’t know how to deal with it. Sighz….

In fact, every day since the end of June, I’ve been asking myself Why? My bro says I’ve always been a hasty one. Impulsive. Or maybe just intent on getting things done my way. Is that true? In retrospect, I will have to admit it as the facts speak for itself. The hasty decision to quit uni, the hasty decision to break my bond, the argument with Ashley, the argument that led to me throwing my resignation letter with HSBC. One hasty decision after another. But nothing pains me as much as this last one. Maybe because it’s still new and it’s still raw. And yet, at the bottom of my heart, I know its really because throughout it all, I lost someone that I valued as my best friend.

Maybe the worst thing in life is not the forgiveness that has been given but not acted upon. It’s not being able to forgive yourself despite the reassurances of the person whom you have wronged saying that you are forgiven. Truth be told, a glass one shattered cannot be mended. Each time you look into the mirror, you are reminded by the cracks and the glue that is merely holding the glass together. I once told this friend, that once a white piece of paper has had writings or paintings on it, even if you use correction pen or paint it over white, the paper is tainted. And I suppose it parallels the example of the glass.

I told this friend once two wrongs don’t make a right. And I’m ashamed that I’ve done that wrong. In fact, in the last 3 plus months, I’ve been awashed with guilt. With remorse. I wish there was much more I can do to gain back the trust and friendship that I’ve wrecked. But the sad fact is that unless given a chance, there is nothing I can do if the person chooses to shut me out of his life. Again, I cannot blame him, because if things were reversed and I was in the same situation, I too would be wary and might not be prepared to give even my best friend a second chance. I cannot blame him for his actions, only myself for escalating things to this stage. And it pains me. It hurts me. It’s eating me alive. I’m wrecked by guilt, by remorse. I wish someone can take a magic duster and wipe it all away. I wish I could go back in time and make a different choice. I wish I could have taken the high road instead of the very steps that I took.

When they say life gives you second chances, I really hope they are right. Today if given a chance, I will do everything I can to make things right. To prove my worth as a friend. Whether this friend is worth it or not in the first place should not matter in my decision. Because only then am I being true to myself. If I die tomorrow and realize I have not done everything I could to make peace and make things right, then even if I have done a million more right things in my life, I would have failed terribly as a person.

That day that I did that horrible and wrong act, I not only lost a very close friend, I lost myself. I only wish and pray and hope that GOD will give me a chance to redeem myself. To not only make things right with him, with my friend but also with myself. I know I will treasure that opportunity and make the best decisions I can if given that chance. All I ask….. is for another chance. To glue that mirror back, to be there to tell the person who looks into the mirror that beyond the cracks and glue, therein lies a beautiful person.

Thought of the day: As we age, we tend to place less emphasis on the things that were once important to us. Instead, the things that we take for granted surge in value. Or maybe our priorities were just misguided in the first place......

It's been a while

It's been a while since i've sat down to blog. Then again, it's been a while since i've had any inkling of a feeling whatsoever to blog about anything that has gone on in my life. I suppose one of the reasons for this is because i was currently stuck in a repetitive cycle and there was really nothing new to update. So has that cycle changed?
Well, i suppose to a certain degree there has been one teeny weeny change. So what's new you ask? For once, i have a new job. And am currently sitting in training, supposedly listening to what the trainer is talkinng about without really listening. GOD... class is so boring! And the trainer speaks at an incredibily slow rate. Sigh
But it is a must and i must strive on. Haha
So, what else has been going on? It's over for those who probably have that one question in their mind. And no. I didn't end things. And yes, i am still upset about it. But yes, i will be fine. I will be able to get over things and things will be fine again i'm pretty much sure of it.
Did i wish it hasn't ended? Well, in fact, i'm pretty confused myself. I think of it in the long run and i'm sure it's for the better. It was a relationship that was going no where in the first place. But at the same time, i am finding it a little hard to let go of the relationship on the whole. Call me naive or silly. But i really did think this was for the long haul. Oh well, i'm sure things will get better. And if you get the feeling that i'm just reassuring myself, dun mention it. Coz i am. I doing my best to believe it.
Relationships aside, new work has just started out and i have been trying to learn as much as possible and thinking of new ways to do as much as possible so i can do really well and succeed. In fact, i haven't had that sort of drive for a long time already. Which is a good thing really. It's a nice feeling because i sort of feel that feeling was gone a long time already. =)

Life Is....

MORAL:

Smooth roads never make good drivers
Smooth sea never makes good sailors
Clear Skies never makes good Pilots .

Problem and hassle free Life NEVER makes a strong person
Be Strong enough to accept the challenges of Life
Don't ask Life , 'Why Me ? .
Instead say 'Try Me!'

Struggling

It was and has been a very tough couple of days for me. I have been struggling, fighting myself each step of the way. And i have been so emotionally strung and grumpy more then i have had the chance to settle myself down for my own thoughts. I was pretty much amazed that i broke down a couple of times in the process. But i guess, i will one day look back and think, what the hell, it was all worth it. And for that, i keep telling myself to press on. It's my own battle to fight. And i have to deal with my own feelings. It has been a new experience really. And i can only hope that the tide will turn and things will get better! =)
Cheers

One door closes.....

Often i've heard the saying when one door closes another opens. I really hope for the life of me that it's true. One door has closed..... just wondering if i've missed the other door or am i still supposed to wait for the other door to open. In any case, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I hope this is it manz!
Sorry i'm being so cryptic. Not really in a mood to share at the moment. When the other door opens, i'll be sure to share! =) Wish me luck u all.
On a side note, still trying to recover from bronchitis. Hmm.. the new year sure hasn't started out for me. But what goes down must come up! Haha... I can't decide if i'm full of pessimism or optimism at the moment. I guess one of those limbo stages where i'm not even sure myself.
To YZ: If you're still reading my blog, i remembered a couple years back, you gave me a bookmark or car decal. Can't quite recall now. But on it, the words i'll remember.
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE!
Cheers!

Poor Man's Paradox

Am i stuck in the poor man's paradox?
What is it? Stay tuned for more! Haha

Nudge The Balance - Author Unknown

A 91-year-old woman died after living a very long dignified
life. When she met God, she asked Him something that had really
bothered her for a very long time. "If Man was created in
God's image, and if all men are created equal, why do people treat
each other so badly?"

God replied that each person who enters our life has a unique
lesson to teach us. It is only through these lessons that we
learn about life, people and our relationships with God.
This confused the woman, so God began to explain:

"When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not
always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the
surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know
what is in their hearts. Remove your own masks to let people
know who you really are.

When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is
forever. Always appreciate what you have. You never know when
you might lose it. Never take your friends or family for
granted, because today and sometimes only this very moment is
the only guarantee you may have.

When someone inflicts injury upon you, it teaches you that the
human state is a very fragile one. Protect and take care of
your body as best as you can, it's the one thing that you are
sure to have forever.

When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are
alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, do
not judge them by how they look or act, instead base it on the
contents of what is in their hearts.

When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving
someone does not always mean that the person will love you
back. But don't turn your back on love, because when you find
the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make
up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold.

When someone holds a grudge against you, it teaches you that
everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most
virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without
pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is often the most
difficult and painful of life's experiences, but it is also the
most courageous thing a person can do.

When a loved one is unfaithful to you, it teaches you that
resisting temptation is Man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant
in your resistance against all temptations. By doing so, you
will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far
greater than the temporary pleasure by which you were tempted.

When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root
of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter
how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success,
but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to
engage in malevolent activities.

When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is
perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of
their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over
which they have no control."

Upon hearing the Lord's wisdom, the old woman became concerned
that there are no lessons to be learned from man's good deeds.
God replied that Man's capacity to love is the greatest gift He
has. At the root of kindness and love, and each act of love
also teaches us a lesson.
The woman's curiosity deepened.
God, once again began to explain:

"When someone loves us, it teaches us love, kindness, charity,
honesty, humility, forgiveness, acceptance, and all of these can
counteract all the evil in the world. For every good deed,
there is one evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the
balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love
are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused.

When you enter someone's life, whether by plan, chance or
coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Will you teach
love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die, will your life

have resulted in more loving or more hurting? More comfort or
more pain? More joy or more sadness? Each one of us has the
power over the balance of the love in the world.
Use it wisely!"

Don't miss an opportunity to nudge the world's scale in the
right direction!

Pass this lesson of love on to those you love and those you have
hurt, and those that have hurt you, hopefully with each person
that receives this, there will be far less evil and a great deal
more love!

Author Unknown

Sick still =(

Went to visit the doc again coz i was struggling with the coughing. Didn't know coughing can be so tiring. Plus the fact that i hardly get to sleep a couple of hours before the urge to cough and try to clear the phlegm gets so overwhelming that i'm up again. Sigh.
Doc says i have acute bronchitis. So will take about 3-4 weeks to get well. Sighz... Am pretty tired of being sick really. But i suppose its one of those rare things you get in life. So i can only hope it's a one off and i won't be sick for the rest of the year already. Being sick is sure no fun. And now i'm thinking about how i'm going to be training for anything if this keeps up.
Yesterday was a mix of feelings really. I have no idea why i'm feeling the way i am. But i can only try to understand that i really do feel a little torn and mixed up. I've got a pretty good idea where i want to head to. Just not really sure how to get there. I tell myself that with careful planning and careful calculations, i will eventually get there. Hopefully i'm right. =)
Went for breaky with Baby this morning. Spent some time chatting which was nice. I really think i'm not cut out for relationships. But i don't want to dwell on it right now. As of this second, i can only think of the 1 million things that i have not done. Faint.. I need to start clearing my to-do list faster then i can add to them....

7 pounds

Watched 7 pounds earlier in the evening. Was a pretty decent show. I've hardly been disappointed by Will Smith's shows before. But honestly, after watching the Pursuit of Happyness, this show paled in comparison. Anyway, its a decent watch if you are content to be kept guessing and wondering what the whole damn show was about for about 3/4 of the movie. It could be partly due to the fact that i missed the start of the show. But i doubt it.
Shall not divulge too much of the show in case one of you reading this has not caught the show. But towards the end of the show, i thought it was a rather thought provoking show. Ok.. Forget about the fact that i was trying to figure out what the damn show was about for the first one and a half hour or so. But subsequently, it got me thinking.
Some thoughts that came out were how blessed we were. Who gets to decide on our own fate? And a whole lot of other stuff. All the introspective stuff you can imagine thinking of. Oh well, i'm off to bed now. Want to get well. So tired of being sick!
Nitez you all!

The first weekend of 2009

If the last couple of days is an indication of how the rest of 2009 is going to be like, then can 2010 come by quickly please?
The cough has gotten worse. The flu is back in full force. Am i glad that the fever is gone. Anyway, had a not so good saturday. Started the day nice i suppose. Was chatting with baby early in the morning. Although, somewhere along the way, he said something that i felt was a little uncalled for. Anyway, i texted him to tell him what i felt. And since he didn't reply, i also didn't see a need to dwell deeper in the issue. Racing was alright i suppose. Felt a little touched that quite a lot of people noticed i wasn't around on the 1st. And showed their concern with regards to am i feeling better? Have i seen a doctor? Haha...
Alright, after racing, went to the dinner that i really didn't feel like going for. But what to do... Sigh... And the groom got drunk. But i suppose it was good he got drunk, coz if he didn't, i would never have known that superman did know about what happened between us. And i finally found out last night that he did know. I don't know whether it's a weight off my mind that he knows or i feel worse off. Pretty dramatic night for sick old me.
Came home after we all had a really really long talk. Crashed.
Funny, but considering my want for attention the last couple of days, i'm actually starting to feel a little, leave me alone sorta thing. Kinda weird and extreme really. But i hate the damn cough and am praying each day that i get better...
Anyway, nothing interesting about the weekend. 2009 has been crap thus far.. when is it going to look up?

2nd Day of the new Year

Was feeling super grouchy and gloomy when i woke up. With the coughing and fluing, haven't really been sleeping well. Sleep is mostly interrupted with bouts of cough and waking up trying desperately to breathe properly.
Didn't help that i wanted very much to see him, but he was not free. Or didn't seem to want to make the time. Anyhow, i felt better when Guardian and I were smsing each other. It was just one of those random, how is everything smses. But i felt better, and he sure knows how to cheer me up when i'm all gloomy and down. =)
Kinda silly but he sent me hugs over sms and told me i cannot be a grouchy bear. Haha... Ok, plus he promise to buy me a present after i recover. Actually it wasn't so much the present. Maybe it was the hug that he sms me. Just knowing someone cares when i'm feeling gloomy makes me feel so much better.
Met Jaja for brunch. She's sick too. Haha.. Two people coughing away over bruch. Pitied the couple sitting next to us. But it's good to know things are looking up for her and things have been well. I guess sometimes in life, we just really need to give ourselves a chance.
Anyway, spent the rest of the afternoon in bed reading and pondering about what my new year resolutions were going to be. Still haven't come up with anything concrete just yet. Still thinking whether i really need any new year resolutions.
Was a little disappointed he didn't call after work or at work or drop me an sms to check in on my knowing i was grumpy and sick. Had my own thoughts about him and about us in general. Whatever the case, it's 11 more days till his birthday. We'll see how things go from there....

Happy New Year II

Was hoping after a good night's sleep, i would wake up feeling more cheery, happy etc. More in a mood to put up my new year resolutions. But, instead, i didn't sleep well all night, tossed and turned all night long, coughing and trying to clear the nose to breathe. Damn.... Woke up about 5 plus in the morning to take medication. And i'm almost done with my medication and i'm not well.
Was quite looking forward to go for the first racing of the new year. But just felt so lousy and so bad that decided to stay in instead.
Interestingly enough, he didn't go for racing too. Not sure if he is sick or just coz he is not really involved today. Whatever the case, i hope this is not an indication of the year to come. I think the last time i had a cough so bad was the 6mths of cough in 2003. Oh man... That was horrible. Clinic visits after clinic visit, hospital visits... and still not well... Hopefully this does not turn out like that...
As for new year resolutions, i'm still sitting on them. Will update again..

Happy New Year

Screaming, fighting, crying, banging, shouting. What a way to usher in the New Year. What's so happy about it really?
Ok.. give me some time to snap out of it. Maybe that's why in the past i refuse to stay at home. Maybe i'm just being a grouch. Whatever the case, to all the other happy and merry folks out there, wishing you all the best for 2009. God Bless!

Goodbye 2008.

The year is coming to a close in probably another 1hr 20min time based on my very inaccurate clock. Looking back into the year, i would say there have been many more downs then ups. I wish there was more that i could say about 2008. But on the whole, it has not been a very satisfactory year. Mostly due to some of the choices i've made.
Looking ahead, i am hoping that 2009 will be a better year. And i suppose with anything that is worth the price, there will be a lot of discipline involved. I'm not sad to see 2008 go past. And i should be happy to welcome in 2009. But somehow, i guess i'm feeling a little gloomy coz i'm coughing my lungs out and my nose has decided to run away. Not the best of ways to end the year and welcome the new year. But, oh well... life goes on.....
Not in a mood to blog, but figured i had to write something. Happy New Year you all. Hopefull your year went better and the new year will have more things to look forward to! Cheers

The Day after

Yup. It was a horrid day yesterday. He was acting up and acting childish. Maybe as i feel more and more disheartened, all i want to do is withdraw inwards.
We met today for breakfast. I know he was feeling down. I played the role of the friend perfectly. I listened and i didn't make any comments. Afterwards, he said he didn't want me to ask him so many questions. I sms and replied him that i would play my role perfectly.
But at that point of time, all i could think of was, i suppose all of us have roles to play and perfect in whatever we do. I remember i wrote once that we are all sisters, daughters, mothers, friends, teachers etc. But isn't it pointless for him to not be able to accept me for who i am? That my questions stem out of concern rather then being kaypoh.
But if it makes him happier, that's what i'll do. I keep reminding myself that its for the next 30 days only. But it's easier this way as well i guess. The more he acts up and treats me this way, the more i am fearful and scared of him and withdraw inwards. So i suppose that is the silver lining to the cloud.

Not so favourable day

Today, i noticed he was a little down and grouchy. I really just wanted to cheer him up. Not that i didn't need any cheering up myself. I did too. But as usual, with me, i guess when he is happy, he makes me happy as well. I suppose i have to understand that he is feeling a little down. And not take what he says to heart. But it really is getting more and more painful hanging on.
Sometimes, the words that you say hurt someone whether or not it was intentional. I guess today was one of those days. I bit my tongue and held back the tears. Because i've come to realize that we cannot both be grouchy on the same day. It just doesn't work this way.
The days that i hold dear in my heart are gone. I know i have to accept this. But why is it wrong when i just want to cheer him up and make him happy? Or is it my very presence that is upsetting him? Whatever happens, i wish him happiness.... sighz

戴愛玲-對的人

阿沁-其實還愛你

I still feel the same way. It's been a month...