My thoughts

My Understanding of You
From all that you've told me about yourself, this is what i have gathered from our 5 months together and the little bits and pieces that i've pieced together. ( Like a jigsaw puzzle =))

For most of your childhood, times were tough. But it was fun. You had a ball of a time as a kid, and you have deep and great respect for your Mum. Coz u appreciated the amount of effort and energy that it took for her to bring all of you up especially while your Dad was away.

Over the years, because of your loving nature, your kindness, and sometimes not knowing how to stand up for yourself, you have been hurt deeply. Which is why, you fear dishonesty and disloyalty from your friends and especially your loved ones. In a way, the fear became so bad, that you started to alienate people around you because you felt that they might all be wanting something from you or might eventually end up hurting you.

So, it seems like there are a lot of people that you know, and a lot of people that know you. But you've never been able to open up to anyone for fear of being hurt and being betrayed.

And thus, you keep a lot of your thoughts and feelings to yourself. And yet, everyone in this world needs someone that they can talk to, someone that they can trust. Because that is the nature of man kind. And that is where your wife comes in.

I believe, in your times of sadness and unhappiness, she came into your life and showed you love. Showed you that there is at least someone who would hold your hand and tell you that things are going to be alright. That no matter how bad things get, she will be there. That she was probably someone you felt that you could count on for the rest of your life. And for that reason, you fell for her.

Although you probably had other friends at the point when you met her, you were still suspicious of them and felt that they could not connect with you at the level which you needed to connect with them at. You probably felt that she had a deep understanding of who you were. But that was also because you were emotionally hurt at that point of time. So anyone who had come along, who had made the effort to spend time with you, care for you, loved you, showed you that they had no ill intentions would have made the cut.

Because you were also scared and lonely then, you spend a lot more time thinking and reflecting and the greatest fear of all human kind is FEAR of loneliness. And she was there at the right time and right place i guess. You were after all human and needed to have someone to share yourself with, the places that you've been, the things you've done. To give each other support and encouragement, to touch and feel each other. You hated that cold and lonely feeling. And she was there to bring some warmth and take that lousy lonely feeling away.

The Road You've Taken
Over these last couple of years, i feel that you have yet to put all your emotional baggage aside. There is still this great fear inside you. The fear of once again being lonely, not having anyone by your side to see you through life's challenging moments. And therefore, you cling on to the one thing that you know best at this point of time. Which is your wife. Or maybe over the years of being with her, you have truly come to appreciate and love her for the person that she is. And i must say she is a great and wonderful woman.

At the same time, there is a recurring theme that comes up in our past conversations. As i only have your version of the story, i have to take everything with a little pinch of salt. The fact is that, there is still this fear inside you. I remembered you told me once that your wife did leave you for a while while you were dating to see another man. And that fear has been inside you because you fear that she might one day leave you and you will be back to the time where there is no one by your side, no one you can trust, no one to give you love and warmth, no one to hold your hand. And all these are really scary feelings.

Having fear in a relationship might not be a bad thing. It might sometimes bring two people to further cherish what they have and time spent together will be more meaningful and useful rather then time spent arguing and fighting. However, when this fear does not help us, but in fact stops us from doing what our hearts and mind want us to do, that is when it is a bad thing.

The Missing Element
I'm not sure what the missing element is in your marriage. Coz only you have the answer to what is lacking, missing, that causes you to run out and look for LOVE outside. Because judging by the amount of 'i love yous' that fly back and forth between you and your wife, there is still something that these words cannot replace. Something specific that you are looking for.

From what i've seen and understood of you in this short time that we've known each other, i feel that you are no different from other human beings. Please don't take me wrongly. You are a really special and unique person in my heart. Yet, at the same time, you are no different from any man, woman on the street. Because, like any human being, you strive for companionship, you strive to be surrounded by other human beings. But here's the dilemma for you. You want human company, and yet you are afraid that these people might eventually hurt or harm you. And thus, you keep doing this little dance of yours, two steps forward, one step back.

Or maybe your ideas of Love is so grand that no one can match up to them. Maybe too many love novels? That only through death can real love be demonstrated? Truth is, love is just love. There are a lot of things you will do for a loved one. And you just know that there are no limits and boundaries. There is no need for the words to be said. In some ways, the love is unconditional. Filled with warmth, understanding, communication, trust and the most important of all, forgiveness.

What is Love?
How do you know you've fallen in love? You know because you can feel the amount of understanding that goes on between two people. You might not have known each other for a long time, and yet, somehow, you feel that you've known this person all your life. You feel safe with the person. You feel warmth. You feel like all you want to do is take this person into your arms.

Each of us have our ideas of how love should be. No one is right, no one is wrong. Once a long time ago, i told you that i stay faithful and loyal in a relationship because everyday, i find new things to love about the person that i am with. Which is why, i cannot say i love you from day one, neither do i believe in love at first sight. Because, love takes understanding, communication and trust. And all these cannot be built with one simple glance.

Each day when i see you, i find something about you that i didn't notice the day before. And for that simple reason, i love you more and more. But end of the day, to love is a choice. Everyone of us have a choice whether we want to acknowledge that love or not. And how much we want to love. Love also means forgiveness when i feel that you've hurt me either directly or indirectly.

I am no saint. I am no Buddha or i am not GOD. There will be times when i also face emotional turmoil, or i lose my cool. There will be times when i am scared of losing you as well and therefore do not share myself with you.

Where do i fit in?
When i first knew you, you struck me as someone who was searching. Someone who was lost, someone who was reaching out. At the same time, i was reaching out. So i guess it boils down to the word TIMING. You constantly reassured me that you'll be holding my hand no matter what happens and it made me feel so comfortable with you. You also made me believe that you knew that this was what you wanted. That you were sure of US. Because remember, i wrote earlier that the greatest fear anyone has in the world is the fear of loneliness. And as i got to know you more each day, lines of imperfection started to appear. That didn't make me walk away, didn't stop me from loving you more.

Because in my world, love is accepting and loving you for who you are despite your flaws, your imperfections. That there were times when i felt that you hurt me, and yet, i didn't stop loving you despite of that hurt. That's my idea of love and it might be different from you. Many times i have told you that i'll always be around to hold your hand, until the day you no longer want or need me to. But there was always one thing which i knew. That for two people to be together, they must be constantly helping each other grow to become better people. They must understand and accept each other strengths and weaknesses and do their best to complement each other. That there must be a constant vision of where they want to go and who they eventually want to be and how each person can help the other person achieve their dreams.

But more importantly, before a relationship can reach that point, or before a relationship can grow, there must be a BELIEF. As with all things we do in our lives, it all starts out as a belief. Do you believe you would be a horseman? Do you believe you can cook? Do you believe that your mum loves you unconditionally? And do you believe in US? If there is no such believe, then the truth is we are both wasting our time. Because, the it takes two hands to clap. And i can never build this relationship up on my own.


The person i choose to Love
I have always understood that love is never a 50-50 thing. I also believe that love is a feeling which you project for others. What do i mean by that? When you say you love your partner, the image of the person constantly pops up in your mind. When you are faced with a difficulty, the image o the person gives you a little more courage to deal with the problems that you are facing with. That you cherish each moment spent with the person and long for the person when the person is not there. You wish to tell the person even the smallest of things that happened in your day. When you are with the person, you don't have to hear the i love you, to FEEL the understanding, love, patience, care that the person has for you. Sometimes, just looking at you, the person knows what's on your mind or if there is something bugging you. You feel that you are not alone out there. And you know you have someone who really cares about you. You have your own friends whom you enjoy going out with, but you know that no matter where you go, whom you meet or what you do, you'll never feel as deep a love as you have for this person.

Love also comes at a price. If I say i love a person, then there will be things that i have to do that might sometimes inconvenience me. If you have ever read books or novels about love, then the love stories all have their tale to tell. Lovers not being able to get together, lovers having to die eventually. Remember the story of Romeo and Juliet? They believed in their love. Their love didn't come easy. Of course not all love stories are like that.

Why Marriage?
If you ask me if i believe in marriage, the my answer is YES! Do two people who love each other dearly definitely have to get married? Marriage is a commitment with the person that you love. Remember your wedding vows? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death do us part. I suppose when you truly love this person, it is something that you'll believe in and strive to do.

Someone not keeping their part of the vows doesn't mean you don't keep yours. If that is the case, then you are no different from the person that broke it. Don't stoop to someone else's level. Keep your own level and know what it is you want.

People don't keep their marriage vows because many people take the vows lightly. Either that or the person you married in the first place wasn't the person you really truly loved.

What you Told Me...
Remember you told me this afternoon about the 3 women in your life. The wife, the lover and the good friend. I think differently. I believe, that when you love someone, you would want this person to be all three rolled into one. Again, my ideas of love might not be the same as yours.

I believe the man i call my husband will be my best friend, someone that i can share my problems with. Someone that i enjoy going out with. Someone that will open his heart and mind to me. Someone that will be there to share my day with. I will have other male friends, but no one can replace the position of best friend that my husband has. I also believe my husband will be my greatest lover. That our love making session will be unique and even when we're old and aged, my husband will still enjoy tenderly kissing me, while we will still be passionate about each other. I also want to be the best friend my husband has. Sure, no marriage comes without fights and arguments. But we'll always be able to forgive each other because we love each other. We'll always be able to sit down calmly and talk to one another even after we've had the biggest disagreements.

But this sort of thing doesn't come easy. Of course having the right partner helps. And both parties wanting the same things helps as well. Is it possible? Of course it is. Because when you truly love a person, when you truly feel for a person, you would never want to hurt a person, and the feelings of comfort is just amazing. You will find new things to love each day about the person. That you will have no eyes for other people that come your way. Most importantly, you must first believe and trust that person.

My Words to you
No one other than you can make all of it happen. When you are unhappy with your wife, have you sat her down to tell her what you feel, how you feel and how she can help you? Or do you keep it bottled up? But before all that, do you really know what you want? What is it that you want from a relationship/marriage. If it is simply someone to be there with when you go home at night, then any woman will do. But realize that not every relationship works out. What is it that you really want? How do you view your relationship to be? And after you've sorted out your own thoughts, think of what you can do to make the current situation better. Know this as well, that if your partner loves you dearly, the person would put in effort to make it work and make it happen. Unless of course both of you have totally different visions. Then, you have to once again make a choice. Do you think for the rest of your life you can settle for less or do you not?

If you choose not to settle for less, then all great things come at a cost and a price. You need to stand up for what you believe in. And in the process, you might fall down once, twice. But know that there will always be people around for you to reach out to. I promise you, that when you reach out, someone's hand will be there. You are more lucky then anyone that i know. You have a Mum that dotes and love you, 3 children that adore you and hero worship you. =)

If you choose not to rock the boat because you are afraid of confrontations, then you can also choose to be happy. Happy with what you have and who you have. Be contented.

I love you dearly and hope that you will continuously strive for the best. Maybe like your mum? She also hopes you strive for the best and hopes that you will be happy. I also wish that of you. Not that i'm your mum lah =P Anyway, i hope my long long email has helped you in some ways. Like your mum, she'll never let go of your hand when you need her hand. But she also knows when you are a big boy already and need to take certain journeys on your own. I assure you, that i'll always be around too to hold your hand when you need me. That even if we go back to being just friends, i am always just a phone call away. That is my word and my promise to you. For the rest of my life! But if you choose to want to work at us, then you must show me your belief and conviction. And as much as i can be understanding and love you, i must also feel your love. If not, my belief and conviction will also run out one day.