The tendency in most organizations-- whether large companies,government departments or even family units-- is not to rock the boat and refrain from telling our truth. For a variety of reasons, we hold back from saying what's true for us. We may fear being ostracized, held up for promotion, ridiculed or even fired.
But that's not the way to greatness; that's the way to mediocrity or even failure. To grow, we have to tell the truth -- OUR truth.
I'm talking here about sharing what we believe, what we feel and what we think about things that matter.
Sometimes we hold back because we're protecting the person or persons we need to confront. Maybe we're not sure they can handle the truth. But we do them and ourselves a great disservice when we withhold our point of view. Telling the truth truly is a loving act.
Can you overdo it? Sure. And you should never use this to dump your judgments, righteous opinions or harsh criticisms onto another person. That's not what I'm advocating at all.
I'm recommending that we tell the truth with compassion. I'm suggesting we have the courage to speak up and let the chips fall where they may. If we've done our best to tell the truth with compassion, if we've been honest, if we've been genuine, and if we've not let our emotions cloud our judgment, we'll have done our part. As long as we've done it absent of malice or ulterior motives, it should be well received.
From time to time it will not be received well. When it isn't, we should make every attempt to be sure we've told our truth as responsibly and as compassionately as possible. As i've often said, the truth will set you free, but first it may tick you off.
It's not often easy to tell the truth. But it IS the path to EXCELLENCE> And it does get easier.
Action Point: What are your withholds? Where in your life are you holding back? What's been left unsaid that stands in the way of open, honest, clear communication and relationship?
With whom do you need to get clear? What do you need to communicate in order to feel complete?
Top 10 Ways to Confront without being Combative
1. Tell your truth with compassion
Always remember that your objective is to share your insight. It's not to be right or belittle the other. People can't hear and you can't inspire when you've triggered their defense mechanisms.
2. Seek first to understand
Before you confront or criticize, make sure you understand the situation. Your assumption may not be accurate. Take the time to understand as best as you can.
3. Ask questions.
No one likes to be told what to do. Used in the right way, questions can enlighten. "Would you be open to a suggestions?" "Are you aware that you do X?" "Have you ever considered doing X instead of Y?" "Would you be willing to do this differently?"
4. Speak from a position of personal responsibility.
"When you do this I feel this way. When you do thus and so, it affects me in this way."
5. Keep your emotions out of it.
If you have strong emotion attached to the situation you're probably in judgment of the other person. If your issues are triggered, it will likely obscure or distort the communication.
6. Start with a compliment.
Challenge the best that's within them. "I know you're committed to doing your best and what I saw today doesn't seem consistent with that commitment." Confront the behavior, not the person. Use the word "and" instead of "but" after a compliment.
7. Avoid sarcasm.
Leave this technique to TV sitcoms. It has no place when telling the truth with compassion.
8. Avoid absolutes
When you use words like "all", "every" and "never," you dilute the power of your statement. They serve to antagonize and it's rare these absolute adverbs are ever true.
9. Pick an appropriate time.
If possible, choose a time and a place that will enhance your message being heard with an open mind. Timing does matter.
10. Don't be attached to the outcome.
Say your peace without trying to control the behavior of the other person. Your responsibility is to deliver the message in a way that is understood, not to force change or control behavior.
11. Bonus: Don't "should" on people - or yourself for that matter.
When we tell people they should do something, we are subtly- or not so subtly- attempting to manipulate their behavior and we are judging them.
No comments:
Post a Comment