Funny how it always takes something major to happen to jolt people out of their comfort zone and give people a wake up call. Obviously i'm not any different from the rest of the world. Or rather, majority of the world.
For a rather long time, i guess i've been feeling really emotional and needy. I'm not sure how to put it, but some time now, i always needed someone to be ard for me. There was a time when i needed a man to be around me to give me emotional support. And then i turned to older friends to be there for me to give me advice and knowledge. However, there was a part of me that longed for the kind of independence i had way before i met Guardian. Before i met Guardian, i was a lovable person still, just that i was never needy. And i guess that was the me i was looking for. i remember girl saying once that she missed the person that she knew all through sec. school. The very xiao1 sa3 person, the person who could literally pick it up and put it down. ( translated)
Well, i guess in some ways, the person is back. Somehow, i've learnt again to be more genuine to people without needing people to constantly reassure me and let me know that i was lovable. Somehow, i guess, now, i just know it, like i used to know it. Funny isn't it?
Anyway, i had a talk with Tour Guide recently. For all the things that we have talked about, i somehow feel like we are going around in circles. I guess it has to do with the fact that he has made up his mind about certain things and certain issues. If you think i'm stubborn, you should talk to this fellow man. We had a great talk incidentally and i guess albeit the fact that i really like him to a certain extent and i guess i would like to sleep with him, he will never be ready to sleep with me as he views sleeping with me as a commitment. Oh well, i've decided to drop the matter and just let it rest. He already knows what i want, and when he wants it, he'll come knocking. If i'm still interested then, then good. If not, then no lost anyway.
Yee ha.. thats the person i know about.. Ha.. guess that's why people loved me so much when i was younger.. I was so emotionally independent and sufficient that if people didn't like me, it was their lost.
I met Miss Tham last night actually. She wanted to know what had happened and she wanted to clear the air between us. I guess its just that she doesn't know me well enough to know that it really doesn't bug me and bother me. I do lots of self reflection most of the time. And i guess i don't really blame anyone for what has happened. Shit happens all the time. And therefore, if i cannot deal with it and i spend time brooding about it, i eventually lose out. coz time and tide waits for no man. she explained, i told her it was alright. She offered to keep a look out for me for a job. I said alright. And i left to watch a movie with my darling!
Anyway, met another person of interest today. He is Superman's friend. Nice fellow, a little too emotional, and a rather needy. Guess that's how it works for people who are rather introverted. Whatever the case, i think he's nice.
Met another person today. He's really been in and out of my life a lot. Not Guardian. Somehow, i love the fact that Oli and i have a connection. We both know that between us, we'll always remain as friends, and maybe fuck buddies, or lovers. But i guess somehow, he can sense that i've been kinda down and he just wants to be around for me.
You know, i guess i ain't all that bad after all. I mean, here are all these people that have shared a portion of my life with me before, and i know they all want to help. Or they just want to be around to give me support, and in their own simple ways, they've all helped. I don't need the reassuarance from them, and yet when they give, i know that i matter to them.
Oh yeah, forgot to add, to top off the list, i've once again reverted back to the role of aunt agony for some people in my life. I guess somehow, i feel most useful when i can help people and they appreciate me for that.
To go back to Tour Guide, i guess maybe i just lust for him. Or maybe i really do like him. Whatever the case, contrary to what he believes in, i know that emotions is not something we can control. And yet, we are both matured adults after all. And by default, i've also come to know that sometimes, a relationship, be it friendship, being a fuck buddy, lover or gf/bf doesn't work out. And as adults, its coz we have the capacity to reason and judge and therefore be able to walk away and not feel sore about it. It's a delusion that we have a friendship to begin with. We are only friends with each other coz i find him attractive. I guess maybe with all friendships, it begins this way. But surely, if i take him out of my life right now, i'll live. Then again, maybe so much has happened that i've also began to view things differently.
Surely i have. For i know now that i do have choices in life. And i can make things happen. But at the end of the day, someone told me this once. Choose your battles wisely. You don't have to fight every single battle. He's not one battle that i want to fight. Maybe coz i really feel like i don't have the strenght and energy to fight it. Or maybe its just that he doesn't interest me that much to begin with. If a person cannot see past himself, why would i want to put myself through that agony? I spent 9 years of my life reassuring one man in my life. I refuse to spend the next few years, reassuring another man. After all, i'm only young once and i deserve so much more...
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