So much has happened over the past two weeks. I've learnt one lesson at least. That i am currently emotionally unavailable. Where the hell did that come from? Well, i guess i reach back to a part of me that i once knew so well. And i know that i cannot verbalise in words how i feel at this point of time. Isn't it funny just how a simple thing seems so difficult? For someone who is so articulate in English, this is a joke. But, for the life of me, i cannot find the words to express how i feel. And therefore, i have chosen not to share with anyone about how i feel.
Now, something interesting happened today that sparked of a series of thoughts. I left this title topic on my msn and someone identified with that topic. Now, is it my bloody problem that you identified with it? It merely means a person is in a similar state. Somehow when posed with a statement someone made, for one of those rare incidences, i did not even bother to fight it. I know me, most times, i would fight to drive home my point or even seek to understand why a person would even come up with such a statement. Today, i guess i just didn't have it. Have i lost my fighting spirit? Maybe. Or maybe its just that so much has happened recently that i just don't have the energy and willpower to go on fighting.
Superman talked to me just two nights ago, going through again with me just why i would even consider coming back to this company that has asked me to leave although i really put in so much effort. From my memory, this was the first time i ever told him halfway through our conversation that i wanted to put down the phone and i didn't want to talk any longer. Why is that so? I realised then that my defence mechanism has set in.
Since i was young, it has been a habit for me i guess. And that was why i never made it a point to get close to a person or even had that will and desire to allow people into the inner circle of my heart. Sure i had lots of close friends. Friends that just wanted to be ard me and even people who thought i was a sunshine girl coz i was happy all the time. For me, i could merely compartmentalize all my actions from my emotions. And i think that was what made me who i was when i was growing up. And thus, since young, i cannot think of feeling really sad as i've never allowed my emotions to flow through in the first place. That was what kept me safe. It wasn't that i didn't trust people. It was just that i was self sufficient.
Now, years later, i finally realise that i am still that person. It just that for a while, i decided to change who i was coz i thought it was nicer to be emotionally available. But these two weeks have been so trying that i know that when times are back, the original self kicks in.
Today, someone made a statement. He said he knew for sure that i would expect and demand more from him in time to come. Little does he know that i really do want nothing from him. To put it bluntly, i have no time and energy for someone else's insecurities. He reminds me of this guy in college. Now looking back, i guess i was sort of mean to that guy. I told him i have no time to deal with what you feel, think and do. Then again, at that point in my life, i really didn't need anyone around. I had all the things i needed from myself. Either that or i was busy persuing something that i really wanted. Right now, at this juncture, i feel the same way.
It never would have worked out coz i made up my mind that it would never work out. Can i then make up my mind that i don't care? I guess only time will tell. And maybe in the greater scheme of things, not caring is merely my defence mechanism kicking in when it senses impending disappointment.
No comments:
Post a Comment