Doesn't take a genius to figure out which is my all time fav poem by Shel Silverstein. =)
Pretty normal day for me today i suppose. Went for appt, went to office. Only thing that probably got me a little bothered was i was supposed to meet my friend at 7.45pm. We were supposed to go meet someone else. But as usual, i get carried away when i'm at work. Plus was chatting with my UM. And all of a sudden, i realized it was 7.40pm. Rushed out of office and home. The irritating thing about driving a van is you can't drive on the 1st lane. And the other irritating thing about some drivers is simply, if you're going to be driving at 60km or 70km/hr, stay in the 3rd lane!!!! Didn't they teach u this in driving school? Anyway, got home late definitely. Considering how far it is between home and ofc. Felt really horrid for making my friend wait. Plus, making him late for his appointment. Anyhow, he wasn't too angry i suppose. But still somehow felt bad.
Erm, hung out for a while after meeting with his friend. Had a little chat before coming home. Seems like of late, other then updating each other about our day and some of our thoughts and feelings, we have been talking about really serious stuff. =P I suppose it's a good thing that we're both laying our cards out on the table first before taking the plunge. Just so we know how far and how deep the water is right below.
Have you ever been to an arcade recently? I have. I suppose i've always enjoyed going to the arcades. Somehow, it takes my mind off the problems at hand and transports me into a world that is worry free. I have games that i enjoy playing very much. But then again, usually at the off peak hours where i don't have to compete with the hordes of teenagers and school going kids. I go through phases when going to the arcade. I remembered the time where i was crazy about daytona. Then there was the dance dance revolution and para para stage. Then came the drums stage. And finally now, i am at the hoops stage. But one thing that has changed dramatically in my arcade behavior was that when i was relatively younger, i used to enjoy playing games that gave out tickets. I would collect many many tickets and redeem them for gifts. Friends used to say i was crazy. Coz the amount of money i spent at the arcade, i could have easily bought the soft toy or easily bought whatever it was i exchanged it for. But somehow, it just felt different.
I suppose you could look at it in a different perspective. I get my money's worth coz i enjoy playing the game, and on top of that, i get my soft toys or whatever gift i wanted to use my tickets to exchange. =) But here's the thing. After a while, i stopped wanting to exchange the tickets for gifts. Maybe coz as i grew older, i outgrew the gifts. And although i still enjoyed playing some of the games, i would no longer need the tickets. Like that arcade at great world city? Every time i play hoops, they would give me tickets. Though i kinda think that they've changed the machines. Haven't been there for a while now. But, there was a point where i was playing the game still, but giving away tickets to the kids i met there.
So why this random post about arcade tickets and gifts? I guess the point that i'm trying to drive across is, at some point in my life, the tickets were really important. Kinda like earning little credits. =P And knowing that when you earn enough credits/tickets, you'll get to exchange it for something important and big. But one day, you'll wake up and realize that the important and big things aren't as important and big. Not that they aren't important and big. But rather, how important and big something is, is generally just the emphasis you place on it. And therefore, you still earn ur credits/tickets but you'll probably not use it to do the exchange. Does that make sense?
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Shel Silverstein =)
“"There Is A Voice Inside Of You
That Whispers All Day Long,
"I Feel That This Is Right For Me,
I Know That This Is Wrong."
No Teacher, Preacher, Parent, Friend
Or Wise Man Can Decide
What's Right For You- Just Listen To
The Voice That Speaks Inside."”
Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect- But tell me the truth
Monster's I've Met
I've met a ghost, but it didn't want my head,
He only wanted to know the way to Denver.
I met a devil, but he didn't want my soul,
He only wanted to borrow my bike for a while.
I met a vampire, but he didn't want my blood,
He only wanted two nickels for a dime.
I keep meeting all the right people ---
At all the wrong times.
That Whispers All Day Long,
"I Feel That This Is Right For Me,
I Know That This Is Wrong."
No Teacher, Preacher, Parent, Friend
Or Wise Man Can Decide
What's Right For You- Just Listen To
The Voice That Speaks Inside."”
Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect- But tell me the truth
Monster's I've Met
I've met a ghost, but it didn't want my head,
He only wanted to know the way to Denver.
I met a devil, but he didn't want my soul,
He only wanted to borrow my bike for a while.
I met a vampire, but he didn't want my blood,
He only wanted two nickels for a dime.
I keep meeting all the right people ---
At all the wrong times.
The road not taken - Robert Frost
I've always loved this particular poem. I think there is a certain strength that this poem exudes out. Can't remember if i've ever posted this on my blog. And too darn lazy to go through the posts just to verify. =)
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
The highs and the lows
Had dinner with dad earlier on in the evening. And he popped me the weirdest question. He asked if i was seeing this guy that i've been dating for a while now. We've kept the relationship pretty hush hush for reasons only known to ourselves. And i was surprised that was so intuitive. To cut a really long story short, Dad happens to know the existence of this guy. So when he asked me about it, i was a little taken aback. I've always shared with my dad about my past relationships. Let me add a sub clause to that, only when i'm ready to talk about it. And when i'm not ready to talk about it, Dad is nice enough not to interfere.
But i guess when he brought it up, he did it as a reminder to his precious daughter whom he doesn't want to see hurt. Anyway, because i wasn't ready to talk about it and because i didn't know quite how to explain this rather peculiar relationship, i told him we were just friends. Strictly speaking, i suppose i wasn't really lying. Alright. Maybe it was a white lie. But honest truth is, there are times when i know that it's a relationship that isn't going to work. So i'll share with my Dad about this guy, that guy that i've met or i'm keen about. Hey, my Dad's way cool and doesn't judge. So i've always been pretty open with him about my buddies, the guys i'm dating or the guys that are my FB.
Anyway, it's been a while since we had dinner and had a chat. I guess we've both been busy lately and didn't really have the time to sit down and have a decent conversation. The last time being about 2 weeks back when we went to a pub for drinks. Told you my Dad was cool! Anyway, we chatted a little about stuff in general, life, our family, changes that are to come etc. In my own way, i've sorta accepted that things aren't going to work between my parents. I guess there is a part of me that is still in self denial and that i hope and pray things will eventually work out between them. After all, they've been married for such a long time it's a pity to end things just when they are going to retire and need each other as companions.
But i can also understand that my mum is not an easy person to deal with. And i have seen Dad put in so much effort and have tried all ways and means to make it work. I know he is like me in a relationship, blind faith, blind love. That we wouldn't give up trying until we have tried every known method. We are similar in that aspect and that is probably why Dad worries about the men i date. Coz he knows that our characters and view about love is similar. We talked about the what ifs as well. And what he was going to do if the divorce goes through. I guess the only good and positive thing i got out of the whole conversation was that he has decided that he would stay in Singapore after all. I have been worried for a while now when he said he wanted to leave Singapore when the divorce goes through. And now, i guess a part of my mind is at ease because he will proabably stay on. And that is really important to me coz i know i'm selfish, but i feel a lot better knowing that he is just around!
Anyway, i'm glad i was a listening ear for him. I suppose i've always been the one that he has come to rely on and depend on when the going gets tough. Or basically when he just needs someone to hear him out. To let him voice out his pent up frustrations. And i am willing to be the person for him only coz i adore him lots and lots! Hee...
Went out with my friend for coffee after that. Wasn't supposed to meet him today, so it was a pleasant and nice surprised. And i really do enjoy the moments that we share, just sitting next to or close to each other and recounting the events of the day! And because i know that he was meant to have a tough day today, i wanted to give him a chance to express his feelings and talk it out so that he would feel better. But things didn't go as planned. He didn't get to settle and resolve his problem. But i hope my presence made him feel that he's not alone and helped him feel better =) Anyway, we hung out for a while, before letting him run his errand and we hung out a bit more after that.
The after that part was the part where i got a little ahead of myself and got a little emotional. I suppose i'm constantly a complete contradiction. Today, i watched a couple of minutes of a show. And it was about a woman who has stayed by a man's side for 15years, not asking for anything in return. As in out the act of pure love. Sure they stayed together, they were practically married. But without the marriage certificate. Here's the thing of beauty. I've always believed that marriage is not the most important thing in a relationship. Sure, you get married. Technically you are bonded. By law you are bonded. In the bible, you have joined to become one! But i feel differently in many ways.
Here's the thing. I believe in marriage. I think it's nice to be able to find a soul mate, a partner who really believes in for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part! But sometimes, trying circumstances might stand in the way of marriage. And if marriage is so important, would you leave the person that you love just so you can fulfill that wish of yours? I guess in that aspect, i'm different. Maybe coz many many years ago, i thought about this issue quite a bit. Being with Guardian made me think about numerous what ifs. And at that point of time, i had to decide if i loved him enough to play second fiddle for the rest of my life. And i was prepared. Yes, status is important to a certain extent. But i suppose between choosing a status and being with the one i love, i choose the latter.
I suppose the most magical moment would be when you can bring both together in probably what u would know as the union of souls. To love and to seal that love with a status befitting the one you love. To join as one!
I teared in the car while we were chatting because i had to struggle with questions that i had been dealing with for a long time and had shelved away when Guardian and i decided to call it quits. The toughest thing i think about dating a married man has always been this and i suppose will always be these couple of issues for me. When you're not feeling well and just want someone to talk to or share, you can't if he's home with his wife. Which also equates out to be when you really need him, you can't tell him or share with him immediately. You have to wait till the scheduled time. Special occasions are always spent alone. Coz that's probably also when he's with his family. You won't get to cuddle and fall asleep next to each other as and when you would like to. Dates must be planned way in advance. And probably only when the family is out of town. You won't be able to makes concrete plans to go away and spend time together on a whim. Again, this must be done with due care. The relationship will forever be on a hush hush, you'll have to watch over your shoulder when you're out. You have to make sure you are non touchy in public, no public display of affections and a host of other things that come with an illicit relationship. And on top of it all, you would have to be prepared that he will one day tell you that it has to come to an end coz the wife knows about it and he is not prepared to leave her. I suppose one could say if they truly loved the guy, then all these is a small price to pay. And that the most altruistic thing to do when push comes to shove is to set him free. That's love i suppose. But that is a high price to pay for love. And the last question you would need to ask is, is that the price you're willing to pay?
When Guardian and I were seeing each other, our relationship become such a routine that i went through the highs and the lows constantly. I think the toughest part for me was probably not being able to call/share with him especially when i had a really lousy day or when i was feeling blue. Ok, probably the special occasions was also tough. Throughout those years, i hated every Christmas, every Valentines day, and very much sadden on his birthday because i knew it was his wife that was celebrating for him. Yes. I know that these are just dates and that i could probably celebrate his birthday earlier. Celebrate Valentine's day any day of the year etc. But somehow, it gets to me. Hard to put it in words to explain. But it just does.
Till today, i know that i really really loved Guardian lots coz after the extended length of our relationship, i never once hated him for all that has happened. I could never find it in my heart to hate a man that i once adored and loved so much. And that again is what love is. I can never understand people who break up and wish the worse for their partners. I know it's a fine line between love and hate. But to me, love just ain't like that. Maybe that's why all my ex boyfriends are still my friends and buddies today except for COW who was an absolute idiot.
Anyway, i still stand by my very idealistic way of thinking. It is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. And i just hope in my very selfish manner of thinking, i would not cause hurt and harm to others and those around them. Namely the innocent parties. I know i can call it quits now when the stakes are low. The mind is willing but the heart is not. On the flipside, we'll see where this road takes us. Maybe it won't even last past the second month??
But then again, i guess i had my answer even before i started blogging. Truth is this. I've decided that i don't just want to be another girlfriend or his little princess. I really hope to be his confidante, his best friend, his soulmate. That at the end of the day, even if we will never have a future together as husband and wife, or even if circumstances forces us to part ways, i would genuinely be happy for him and there will always be warmth in my heart knowing that in my own ways, i have brought joy to his life, and made the times we had together in his life a little easier to bear and added a little more sunshine to his life. That in me, he will have a friend that he can rely on for life! Idealistic?
But i guess when he brought it up, he did it as a reminder to his precious daughter whom he doesn't want to see hurt. Anyway, because i wasn't ready to talk about it and because i didn't know quite how to explain this rather peculiar relationship, i told him we were just friends. Strictly speaking, i suppose i wasn't really lying. Alright. Maybe it was a white lie. But honest truth is, there are times when i know that it's a relationship that isn't going to work. So i'll share with my Dad about this guy, that guy that i've met or i'm keen about. Hey, my Dad's way cool and doesn't judge. So i've always been pretty open with him about my buddies, the guys i'm dating or the guys that are my FB.
Anyway, it's been a while since we had dinner and had a chat. I guess we've both been busy lately and didn't really have the time to sit down and have a decent conversation. The last time being about 2 weeks back when we went to a pub for drinks. Told you my Dad was cool! Anyway, we chatted a little about stuff in general, life, our family, changes that are to come etc. In my own way, i've sorta accepted that things aren't going to work between my parents. I guess there is a part of me that is still in self denial and that i hope and pray things will eventually work out between them. After all, they've been married for such a long time it's a pity to end things just when they are going to retire and need each other as companions.
But i can also understand that my mum is not an easy person to deal with. And i have seen Dad put in so much effort and have tried all ways and means to make it work. I know he is like me in a relationship, blind faith, blind love. That we wouldn't give up trying until we have tried every known method. We are similar in that aspect and that is probably why Dad worries about the men i date. Coz he knows that our characters and view about love is similar. We talked about the what ifs as well. And what he was going to do if the divorce goes through. I guess the only good and positive thing i got out of the whole conversation was that he has decided that he would stay in Singapore after all. I have been worried for a while now when he said he wanted to leave Singapore when the divorce goes through. And now, i guess a part of my mind is at ease because he will proabably stay on. And that is really important to me coz i know i'm selfish, but i feel a lot better knowing that he is just around!
Anyway, i'm glad i was a listening ear for him. I suppose i've always been the one that he has come to rely on and depend on when the going gets tough. Or basically when he just needs someone to hear him out. To let him voice out his pent up frustrations. And i am willing to be the person for him only coz i adore him lots and lots! Hee...
Went out with my friend for coffee after that. Wasn't supposed to meet him today, so it was a pleasant and nice surprised. And i really do enjoy the moments that we share, just sitting next to or close to each other and recounting the events of the day! And because i know that he was meant to have a tough day today, i wanted to give him a chance to express his feelings and talk it out so that he would feel better. But things didn't go as planned. He didn't get to settle and resolve his problem. But i hope my presence made him feel that he's not alone and helped him feel better =) Anyway, we hung out for a while, before letting him run his errand and we hung out a bit more after that.
The after that part was the part where i got a little ahead of myself and got a little emotional. I suppose i'm constantly a complete contradiction. Today, i watched a couple of minutes of a show. And it was about a woman who has stayed by a man's side for 15years, not asking for anything in return. As in out the act of pure love. Sure they stayed together, they were practically married. But without the marriage certificate. Here's the thing of beauty. I've always believed that marriage is not the most important thing in a relationship. Sure, you get married. Technically you are bonded. By law you are bonded. In the bible, you have joined to become one! But i feel differently in many ways.
Here's the thing. I believe in marriage. I think it's nice to be able to find a soul mate, a partner who really believes in for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part! But sometimes, trying circumstances might stand in the way of marriage. And if marriage is so important, would you leave the person that you love just so you can fulfill that wish of yours? I guess in that aspect, i'm different. Maybe coz many many years ago, i thought about this issue quite a bit. Being with Guardian made me think about numerous what ifs. And at that point of time, i had to decide if i loved him enough to play second fiddle for the rest of my life. And i was prepared. Yes, status is important to a certain extent. But i suppose between choosing a status and being with the one i love, i choose the latter.
I suppose the most magical moment would be when you can bring both together in probably what u would know as the union of souls. To love and to seal that love with a status befitting the one you love. To join as one!
I teared in the car while we were chatting because i had to struggle with questions that i had been dealing with for a long time and had shelved away when Guardian and i decided to call it quits. The toughest thing i think about dating a married man has always been this and i suppose will always be these couple of issues for me. When you're not feeling well and just want someone to talk to or share, you can't if he's home with his wife. Which also equates out to be when you really need him, you can't tell him or share with him immediately. You have to wait till the scheduled time. Special occasions are always spent alone. Coz that's probably also when he's with his family. You won't get to cuddle and fall asleep next to each other as and when you would like to. Dates must be planned way in advance. And probably only when the family is out of town. You won't be able to makes concrete plans to go away and spend time together on a whim. Again, this must be done with due care. The relationship will forever be on a hush hush, you'll have to watch over your shoulder when you're out. You have to make sure you are non touchy in public, no public display of affections and a host of other things that come with an illicit relationship. And on top of it all, you would have to be prepared that he will one day tell you that it has to come to an end coz the wife knows about it and he is not prepared to leave her. I suppose one could say if they truly loved the guy, then all these is a small price to pay. And that the most altruistic thing to do when push comes to shove is to set him free. That's love i suppose. But that is a high price to pay for love. And the last question you would need to ask is, is that the price you're willing to pay?
When Guardian and I were seeing each other, our relationship become such a routine that i went through the highs and the lows constantly. I think the toughest part for me was probably not being able to call/share with him especially when i had a really lousy day or when i was feeling blue. Ok, probably the special occasions was also tough. Throughout those years, i hated every Christmas, every Valentines day, and very much sadden on his birthday because i knew it was his wife that was celebrating for him. Yes. I know that these are just dates and that i could probably celebrate his birthday earlier. Celebrate Valentine's day any day of the year etc. But somehow, it gets to me. Hard to put it in words to explain. But it just does.
Till today, i know that i really really loved Guardian lots coz after the extended length of our relationship, i never once hated him for all that has happened. I could never find it in my heart to hate a man that i once adored and loved so much. And that again is what love is. I can never understand people who break up and wish the worse for their partners. I know it's a fine line between love and hate. But to me, love just ain't like that. Maybe that's why all my ex boyfriends are still my friends and buddies today except for COW who was an absolute idiot.
Anyway, i still stand by my very idealistic way of thinking. It is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. And i just hope in my very selfish manner of thinking, i would not cause hurt and harm to others and those around them. Namely the innocent parties. I know i can call it quits now when the stakes are low. The mind is willing but the heart is not. On the flipside, we'll see where this road takes us. Maybe it won't even last past the second month??
But then again, i guess i had my answer even before i started blogging. Truth is this. I've decided that i don't just want to be another girlfriend or his little princess. I really hope to be his confidante, his best friend, his soulmate. That at the end of the day, even if we will never have a future together as husband and wife, or even if circumstances forces us to part ways, i would genuinely be happy for him and there will always be warmth in my heart knowing that in my own ways, i have brought joy to his life, and made the times we had together in his life a little easier to bear and added a little more sunshine to his life. That in me, he will have a friend that he can rely on for life! Idealistic?
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Commitment phobic
Today while chatting with a girlfriend, she mentioned this about me. Said i was commitment phobic. Which probably explains my choices in partners and the men i date. Is it true? I've asked myself this question from time to time as well. And i would think in a really peculiar way, i am quite like that. Scared of making a commitment. Or rather, maybe in my subconscious mind, i am scared of making that commitment which explains why i constantly date who are emotionally unavailable.
I don't think i've always been this way. If you ask me whether i believe in true love, my immediate answer would be yes. If you ask me whether i believe in the sanctity of marriage, then my answer is yes as well. But if you give me time to think of these questions, then i would often waver from my original answer. Maybe i take commitment way too seriously. Or maybe just maybe i take things in life way too seriously. Often i ask myself why can't i just be happy-go-lucky and enjoy the moment as it is. Why is there a need for my brain to constantly go on overdrive? But i believe the only word i can think of at this point of time is this word Conditioning.
Each and everyone of us has been conditioned throughout our lives to think in a certain way and manner. It explains why we wake up in the morning and have to use the toilet. Why we need to brush our teeth or have our coffee in the morning. It explains why we go about doing the many things that we do. Conditioning. In sports, it explains why there is a need to warm up and stretch. Why the mind needs to be primed up before a race. Ok, maybe the examples i've given fall more into the realm of habit then conditioning. But you get my drift.
Basically, most of us, are conditioned since young to like certain things, to dislike certain things. To do certain things in certain ways, and not to do certain things etc. There is a series of connections in our brains that connect the way we view things. Something like a reflex action. Not so much a knee jerk reaction. So, if i can use this example of conditioning as to the key reason why i am commitment phobic, then it probably means i haven't gotten past my other plethora of issues and am still stuck in the little circle or hole that i've dug myself.
Maybe over the years of failed relationships have conditioned my brain to be on a high alert when it comes to love. It seems almost fitting now, as i glance back in my life to the numerous number of emotionally unavailable men that i've dated. Or maybe its just all a self fulfilling prophecy. That because of my insecurities and uncertainties, or because the guy can feel my overwhelming reluctance to commit, they tend to walk away.
But the funny thing is this. In my own way, i don't think i'm quite commitment phobic. I suppose when i meet the right guy, i would be willing to let my guard down, and soak in the atmosphere and the pleasantries of being in love.
There i've said it. =P
Anyway, an incident occurred this afternoon. Nothing major. Nothing to jump up about. In fact, it is probably so insignificant that it is not worth mentioning. But, as i am bored and want to lengthen my post, i shall blog about it. I hate the feeling of waiting for the phone to ring or for an sms to come in. This i can say with certainty that there is always a sense of foreboding when this happens. I remembered when Guardian didn't return my calls/sms the whole day for the first time ever, it was when he was ready to leave and break up. Or the next couple of times, it was always after i would get a call saying he's had a crash was in hospital and the most optimistic one would be the break up. So i suppose at the back of my mind, disappearing games scare the hell out of me. Over the years, i've learnt to disassociate myself. But yet again, sometimes things are easier said then done. Especially when matters of the heart are of concern. Which explains why i seldom like to be the first one to drop an sms to someone or call a person whom i know would probably not return my call. Or which explains why most of my smses are rather generic in nature. Hee... Anyway, like i said before, it's not an issue. Just something i was thinking about this afternoon.
Eh, last note before i sign off, body still acting like i'm going through puberty. Hungry every two hours. Damn... Lost 1kg from the marathon, judging from the way i've been stuffing myself with food the last 2 days, i think i can easily say i put on 5 times what i shed. That is so not healthy. Tata
I don't think i've always been this way. If you ask me whether i believe in true love, my immediate answer would be yes. If you ask me whether i believe in the sanctity of marriage, then my answer is yes as well. But if you give me time to think of these questions, then i would often waver from my original answer. Maybe i take commitment way too seriously. Or maybe just maybe i take things in life way too seriously. Often i ask myself why can't i just be happy-go-lucky and enjoy the moment as it is. Why is there a need for my brain to constantly go on overdrive? But i believe the only word i can think of at this point of time is this word Conditioning.
Each and everyone of us has been conditioned throughout our lives to think in a certain way and manner. It explains why we wake up in the morning and have to use the toilet. Why we need to brush our teeth or have our coffee in the morning. It explains why we go about doing the many things that we do. Conditioning. In sports, it explains why there is a need to warm up and stretch. Why the mind needs to be primed up before a race. Ok, maybe the examples i've given fall more into the realm of habit then conditioning. But you get my drift.
Basically, most of us, are conditioned since young to like certain things, to dislike certain things. To do certain things in certain ways, and not to do certain things etc. There is a series of connections in our brains that connect the way we view things. Something like a reflex action. Not so much a knee jerk reaction. So, if i can use this example of conditioning as to the key reason why i am commitment phobic, then it probably means i haven't gotten past my other plethora of issues and am still stuck in the little circle or hole that i've dug myself.
Maybe over the years of failed relationships have conditioned my brain to be on a high alert when it comes to love. It seems almost fitting now, as i glance back in my life to the numerous number of emotionally unavailable men that i've dated. Or maybe its just all a self fulfilling prophecy. That because of my insecurities and uncertainties, or because the guy can feel my overwhelming reluctance to commit, they tend to walk away.
But the funny thing is this. In my own way, i don't think i'm quite commitment phobic. I suppose when i meet the right guy, i would be willing to let my guard down, and soak in the atmosphere and the pleasantries of being in love.
There i've said it. =P
Anyway, an incident occurred this afternoon. Nothing major. Nothing to jump up about. In fact, it is probably so insignificant that it is not worth mentioning. But, as i am bored and want to lengthen my post, i shall blog about it. I hate the feeling of waiting for the phone to ring or for an sms to come in. This i can say with certainty that there is always a sense of foreboding when this happens. I remembered when Guardian didn't return my calls/sms the whole day for the first time ever, it was when he was ready to leave and break up. Or the next couple of times, it was always after i would get a call saying he's had a crash was in hospital and the most optimistic one would be the break up. So i suppose at the back of my mind, disappearing games scare the hell out of me. Over the years, i've learnt to disassociate myself. But yet again, sometimes things are easier said then done. Especially when matters of the heart are of concern. Which explains why i seldom like to be the first one to drop an sms to someone or call a person whom i know would probably not return my call. Or which explains why most of my smses are rather generic in nature. Hee... Anyway, like i said before, it's not an issue. Just something i was thinking about this afternoon.
Eh, last note before i sign off, body still acting like i'm going through puberty. Hungry every two hours. Damn... Lost 1kg from the marathon, judging from the way i've been stuffing myself with food the last 2 days, i think i can easily say i put on 5 times what i shed. That is so not healthy. Tata
My Monday
It's so late and i'm so tired. But i so want to blog before going to bed. The time now is 3am. =) Anyway, was reading some stuff online so haven't sleep yet! Market looks horrid tonight. Cannot imagine the mayhem the US markets will cause the Asia markets in the morning. Two day up, one week down. Seems to be the trend now.
After resting one solid day from Sundown Marathon, i am still aching like mad. When i woke up this morning, places where i never knew muscle existed ached like crazy. Basically i was telling a friend, from eyes downwards i was still sore and aching. And the best part is, after sleeping like a pig for like close to 8 hours, i wake u feeling pain, sores and aches from the rest of the body. Worse then after Sundown. Coz then it was only legs pain. Anyway, went for breaky with my friend. =) Was actually deciding whether to have breaky with him, coz a little jealous from last night. But decided i really wanted to see him. So went for breaky and coffee. Kinda sweet. Missed him quite a bit. And it is definitely getting a little out of hand and i must say i am a little head over heels. Almost everyday also meet up, but every day also miss him. Is that normal? Hehe
Then came home, changed and Daddy sent me to office. I actually wanted to ride my bike to work coz it was sunny. But after starting the bike and sitting on it, i realized just how unstable my legs were still. Feels almost like the aftermath of tearing my ligaments. Legs were wobbly, sudden slight movements causes pain. Hmm... Anyway, headed to office. No one from my agency was around. So much for the fine. =P But also good lah. Coz no one around then i figured since i signed in already, then can go for my massage. hehe. So took a bus for 3 stops and headed off for a 75min whole body massage at Yen's shop.
The lady who was doing the massage for me kept on going on and on about how tight my muscles were, how crazy it is to treat my body this way, and how she hasn't applied any strength and i was already screaming in pain. But i was certain she took some joy in hearing my screams. =P Was texting throughout the massage. Wah. Damn pain manz. But there is some kind of delight that goes with the pain. Damn! I always knew i was sadistic. But not to this extent. Anyway, felt a lot fresher after the 75minutes of torture. I remember saying something to the lady who was massaging my back. That once in a while it's good to have this sort of pain. Makes you appreciate life a little more knowing that in the daily grind, one is actually enjoying life. Anyway, pain makes me alive to a certain degree! =P
Imagine my surprise when i came out from the massage and saw Pic's mum. Haaa... Then i said hi to auntie and she said Pic was also around. Really surprised and happy lor. Coz they just got back from Philippines last nite. And i seriously miss him. They were away for more then a week, plus i usually go holidays with them. So felt a little alone this time round when the gang was away and i was in Singapore. But i had my reasons for not going. I think money being the key factor! Yeah i know Pic will probably pay for most of my expenses there, and i probably only need to fork out air tix. Food and accomodation will be provided for. But i'm so darn broke. Plus registered for school and school fees are going to so kill me. Anyway, it was alos a rather long trip and there's horse racing. And who would want to go for a vacation when they can torture themselves running a marathon?? =P
Anyway, saw Pic pic and i suppose we were both just really happy to see each other. We were hugging at the shop and one of the staff there said we looked like long lost siblings. But also true lah. I really treat him like my big brother and i have really really miss him. No one ask me go party the whole week, ask me go karaoke, ask me go watch movie leh. Hee... Anyway, Pic sent me back to office. Really sweet of him lor. Save me a bus trip and having to climb that horrible overhead bridge. I can walk today rather normally already, but going up and down steps are still a killer. Anyway, he drove me back to office first before sending auntie back home. Hee... My guardian angel must be working over time these last two days.
Stayed in office till evening time, before coming home to shower and change. Meeting my friend once again! hee... Can't get enough of each other. There was Monday swim that i skipped. I figured i deserved a break, that i was still sick. But more importantly, i felt he needed me more tonight coz he would probably have a tough day tomorrow. So didn't go for my recovery swim in the end. Although if i go sleep now, i might be able to wake up early for a recovery swim before heading to work. But i want to finish blogging first, so i guess sleep just has to wait. Anyway, i was late in getting home coz didn't know i'll take so long to walk back from the MRT. Horrible. Legs felt wobbly and unstable still. Felt really hungry although i had lunch only at about 3.30pm. But decided i really needed to eat again. The marathon sure has taken lots out of my body. Still in starvation mode. So stopped at the coffee shop for dinner which was a good break from the long journey back from the mrt stations. And its just a 10minute walk on normal days. You can imagine what a chore it was to walk. =)
Finished dinner, slowly prodded back home, took a quick shower and went to meet him. Went to hang out at our usual place, which is also his feel good place. I let him talk coz i figured he would probably feel better after sharing his problems. Oh wait, before he got to talking, my brother called. So happy. Everyone is back in Singapore. Somehow, it feels good to know Pic and Kor are both back in town, close to me! Ok. So we chatted for a while, hung out a bit more and came home! By then it was late and he has to wake up early like at 5ish.
But all in all i had a great time out with him tonight. Every time we hang out, i find new things about him which i adore. I guess that's normal when its the start of something beautiful. There is a part of me that wishes this can and will last a lifetime. But i guess i've never really had any luck when it comes to love. So i will tread carefully with this one. But the feeling was a really great feeling. I can't quite describe the feeling or the reasons behind why i feel good when we hang out, maybe that's love? Anyway, he's really sweet and all to me. And i'm keeping my fingers crossed that things between us will last and we'll both make each other happy! Ok. I'm beginning to sound like a lovelorn fool! Forgive me!
So i guess, all in all, other then the aches and pain that is Good pain, the whole day went pretty well!
Eh... last thing before i sleep. Below is the list of shows i would like to watch. Any takers?
1) Kung Fu Panda
2) Sex in the City (Pic??)
3) Made of Honor
4) Narnia
Text me if u want to catch any of the shows together. Alright! Really need to hit the sack. Till later then. Hopefully the legs will feel better when i wake so i can do ENR tomorrow nite! Nitez!
After resting one solid day from Sundown Marathon, i am still aching like mad. When i woke up this morning, places where i never knew muscle existed ached like crazy. Basically i was telling a friend, from eyes downwards i was still sore and aching. And the best part is, after sleeping like a pig for like close to 8 hours, i wake u feeling pain, sores and aches from the rest of the body. Worse then after Sundown. Coz then it was only legs pain. Anyway, went for breaky with my friend. =) Was actually deciding whether to have breaky with him, coz a little jealous from last night. But decided i really wanted to see him. So went for breaky and coffee. Kinda sweet. Missed him quite a bit. And it is definitely getting a little out of hand and i must say i am a little head over heels. Almost everyday also meet up, but every day also miss him. Is that normal? Hehe
Then came home, changed and Daddy sent me to office. I actually wanted to ride my bike to work coz it was sunny. But after starting the bike and sitting on it, i realized just how unstable my legs were still. Feels almost like the aftermath of tearing my ligaments. Legs were wobbly, sudden slight movements causes pain. Hmm... Anyway, headed to office. No one from my agency was around. So much for the fine. =P But also good lah. Coz no one around then i figured since i signed in already, then can go for my massage. hehe. So took a bus for 3 stops and headed off for a 75min whole body massage at Yen's shop.
The lady who was doing the massage for me kept on going on and on about how tight my muscles were, how crazy it is to treat my body this way, and how she hasn't applied any strength and i was already screaming in pain. But i was certain she took some joy in hearing my screams. =P Was texting throughout the massage. Wah. Damn pain manz. But there is some kind of delight that goes with the pain. Damn! I always knew i was sadistic. But not to this extent. Anyway, felt a lot fresher after the 75minutes of torture. I remember saying something to the lady who was massaging my back. That once in a while it's good to have this sort of pain. Makes you appreciate life a little more knowing that in the daily grind, one is actually enjoying life. Anyway, pain makes me alive to a certain degree! =P
Imagine my surprise when i came out from the massage and saw Pic's mum. Haaa... Then i said hi to auntie and she said Pic was also around. Really surprised and happy lor. Coz they just got back from Philippines last nite. And i seriously miss him. They were away for more then a week, plus i usually go holidays with them. So felt a little alone this time round when the gang was away and i was in Singapore. But i had my reasons for not going. I think money being the key factor! Yeah i know Pic will probably pay for most of my expenses there, and i probably only need to fork out air tix. Food and accomodation will be provided for. But i'm so darn broke. Plus registered for school and school fees are going to so kill me. Anyway, it was alos a rather long trip and there's horse racing. And who would want to go for a vacation when they can torture themselves running a marathon?? =P
Anyway, saw Pic pic and i suppose we were both just really happy to see each other. We were hugging at the shop and one of the staff there said we looked like long lost siblings. But also true lah. I really treat him like my big brother and i have really really miss him. No one ask me go party the whole week, ask me go karaoke, ask me go watch movie leh. Hee... Anyway, Pic sent me back to office. Really sweet of him lor. Save me a bus trip and having to climb that horrible overhead bridge. I can walk today rather normally already, but going up and down steps are still a killer. Anyway, he drove me back to office first before sending auntie back home. Hee... My guardian angel must be working over time these last two days.
Stayed in office till evening time, before coming home to shower and change. Meeting my friend once again! hee... Can't get enough of each other. There was Monday swim that i skipped. I figured i deserved a break, that i was still sick. But more importantly, i felt he needed me more tonight coz he would probably have a tough day tomorrow. So didn't go for my recovery swim in the end. Although if i go sleep now, i might be able to wake up early for a recovery swim before heading to work. But i want to finish blogging first, so i guess sleep just has to wait. Anyway, i was late in getting home coz didn't know i'll take so long to walk back from the MRT. Horrible. Legs felt wobbly and unstable still. Felt really hungry although i had lunch only at about 3.30pm. But decided i really needed to eat again. The marathon sure has taken lots out of my body. Still in starvation mode. So stopped at the coffee shop for dinner which was a good break from the long journey back from the mrt stations. And its just a 10minute walk on normal days. You can imagine what a chore it was to walk. =)
Finished dinner, slowly prodded back home, took a quick shower and went to meet him. Went to hang out at our usual place, which is also his feel good place. I let him talk coz i figured he would probably feel better after sharing his problems. Oh wait, before he got to talking, my brother called. So happy. Everyone is back in Singapore. Somehow, it feels good to know Pic and Kor are both back in town, close to me! Ok. So we chatted for a while, hung out a bit more and came home! By then it was late and he has to wake up early like at 5ish.
But all in all i had a great time out with him tonight. Every time we hang out, i find new things about him which i adore. I guess that's normal when its the start of something beautiful. There is a part of me that wishes this can and will last a lifetime. But i guess i've never really had any luck when it comes to love. So i will tread carefully with this one. But the feeling was a really great feeling. I can't quite describe the feeling or the reasons behind why i feel good when we hang out, maybe that's love? Anyway, he's really sweet and all to me. And i'm keeping my fingers crossed that things between us will last and we'll both make each other happy! Ok. I'm beginning to sound like a lovelorn fool! Forgive me!
So i guess, all in all, other then the aches and pain that is Good pain, the whole day went pretty well!
Eh... last thing before i sleep. Below is the list of shows i would like to watch. Any takers?
1) Kung Fu Panda
2) Sex in the City (Pic??)
3) Made of Honor
4) Narnia
Text me if u want to catch any of the shows together. Alright! Really need to hit the sack. Till later then. Hopefully the legs will feel better when i wake so i can do ENR tomorrow nite! Nitez!
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Sundown Marathon 2
Well, in the longest 12km walk i've ever taken, because of the pain in the arch, the foot, the shins, the toes (blisters), the ITB, the hams and the quads, basically hips downward, i did think of many things.
Will share with you some of the things that ran through my mind in the longest longest walk i ever had. Or rather in the longest longest limp i ever did. =P The first was a reflection of the race in general. I had to ask myself just how ill prepared i was for the race. Not only because i was sick for a week prior to race, so didn't even get a chance to do any runs the whole week, but rather, it being a rather late and last minute decision. And i realized at that point of time, i had been more disciplined and been running consistently, then whether it was a last minute decision would not have been very important as i would still be adequately prepared. One of those when opportunity comes knocking, am i prepared to face the challenge or would i have to back away from it.
Ok, second thing that came to mind was also, that with good planning in race nutrition, diet, and all the stuff that people needed on the race, i would probably not have cramped up at the 30km mark. And also heading to the race site late, not enough stretching etc. I think all in all, it was a bad race to start with because of so many uncertain factors and lack of good pre race preparation and planning! I guess i asked myself many times throughout the 12km struggle whether i would do it again. And honestly, throughout the whole 12km, my answer was NO! I would never want to put myself through that kind of torture again! But after coming home and resting, although the cough and cough has gotten much worse after being caught in the rain, my answer is Yes! I would do it again! But i would do it differently. Yes, i am still in a lot of pain, my knees are swollen, i have bruises on my feet. Every movement i make is really painful. But how many times in real life do you get a second chance? And the best part about this is that i get to plan and prepare for my second chance and i get to do it all over again, and hopefully with the lessons i've learnt from my first marathon, i will do better in my next marathon. So, yup, you'll see me race another marathon with hopefully a more respectable timing this time round!
I think many times in life, if i can use this run as an analogy to life, we fail to do as well as we would like to due to bad planning and preparation. I think all things are possible to do. But if you want to get things done, then there must be some amount of hard work, some amount of preparation, careful planning and the most important factor, commitment to the thing you want to do, to put in the hours. Not so much a whim of the moment and go do it. Sure, i still managed to complete the marathon. But with so much more pain as compared to being able to enjoy the race. So, life is like that. Some people fret over things and get upset, don't enjoy the process because they are not as prepared as they can be. And i'm glad i learnt this lesson although i might be wobbling around like a crab the next couple of days! I'm not only talking about planning of the race, but planning the race calendar as well. i have no idea how i'm going to race again next Sunday! Hehe
The other thing i had time to think long and hard about is my newest relationship. I know a spark can cause a huge fire. And love is like that in many ways. One day, you just have a little chemistry, and the next, you're in a whirlwind of a relationship. I know i've made things tough on this new guy that i'm dating with my 1 million and 1 issues that i have inside me. I'm probably one of those high on emotional baggage people. But i'm glad he's been understanding and patient about it. And while i was struggling to complete my race, i asked myself whether sometimes, i'm just being way too difficult. That i often don't give people and things around me a chance because i've always been too stubborn. Too strong headed. That even if there is a possibility that he might not be genuine, for me to just fall in love without a care and fall head over heels in love and enjoy the process. After all, who is to know if he'll remain true? And if he's out to play with my heart, then life goes on still. But i would then be able to look back and said i enjoyed the moments and the memories!
I suppose it's usually easier said then done. While i was running the race, i was so scared i wouldn't be able to complete it. At one point close to the 35km mark, i sat down, pulled off my shoes and socks and saw the blisters accumulating at my toes. It hurt like hell and i wanted to cry. But i also wanted to be strong and finish the race. Didn't want to be the only person who DNF. And i guess if i can liken my race to that of a relationship, then even if one day, i find out that he's cheating me or playing with my heart, or that it was all just a game to him, then i would feel the hurt and pain, and feel being alone like at the 35km mark and wanted to cry, but then i would still eventually get over the pain if i wanted to make it to the finish point. Sure it'll hurt for probably quite a while. But i'll still live. I'll survive. Right?
Anyway, that was some of the things i thought about throughout my race. The emphasis on the former part of the posting. While the latter was more like a mind distraction to the pain. Being in love helps you overcome many obstacles and keeps your attention diverted away from the physical pain. But i always believe pain is good. Makes you alive in the queerest of ways!
Will share with you some of the things that ran through my mind in the longest longest walk i ever had. Or rather in the longest longest limp i ever did. =P The first was a reflection of the race in general. I had to ask myself just how ill prepared i was for the race. Not only because i was sick for a week prior to race, so didn't even get a chance to do any runs the whole week, but rather, it being a rather late and last minute decision. And i realized at that point of time, i had been more disciplined and been running consistently, then whether it was a last minute decision would not have been very important as i would still be adequately prepared. One of those when opportunity comes knocking, am i prepared to face the challenge or would i have to back away from it.
Ok, second thing that came to mind was also, that with good planning in race nutrition, diet, and all the stuff that people needed on the race, i would probably not have cramped up at the 30km mark. And also heading to the race site late, not enough stretching etc. I think all in all, it was a bad race to start with because of so many uncertain factors and lack of good pre race preparation and planning! I guess i asked myself many times throughout the 12km struggle whether i would do it again. And honestly, throughout the whole 12km, my answer was NO! I would never want to put myself through that kind of torture again! But after coming home and resting, although the cough and cough has gotten much worse after being caught in the rain, my answer is Yes! I would do it again! But i would do it differently. Yes, i am still in a lot of pain, my knees are swollen, i have bruises on my feet. Every movement i make is really painful. But how many times in real life do you get a second chance? And the best part about this is that i get to plan and prepare for my second chance and i get to do it all over again, and hopefully with the lessons i've learnt from my first marathon, i will do better in my next marathon. So, yup, you'll see me race another marathon with hopefully a more respectable timing this time round!
I think many times in life, if i can use this run as an analogy to life, we fail to do as well as we would like to due to bad planning and preparation. I think all things are possible to do. But if you want to get things done, then there must be some amount of hard work, some amount of preparation, careful planning and the most important factor, commitment to the thing you want to do, to put in the hours. Not so much a whim of the moment and go do it. Sure, i still managed to complete the marathon. But with so much more pain as compared to being able to enjoy the race. So, life is like that. Some people fret over things and get upset, don't enjoy the process because they are not as prepared as they can be. And i'm glad i learnt this lesson although i might be wobbling around like a crab the next couple of days! I'm not only talking about planning of the race, but planning the race calendar as well. i have no idea how i'm going to race again next Sunday! Hehe
The other thing i had time to think long and hard about is my newest relationship. I know a spark can cause a huge fire. And love is like that in many ways. One day, you just have a little chemistry, and the next, you're in a whirlwind of a relationship. I know i've made things tough on this new guy that i'm dating with my 1 million and 1 issues that i have inside me. I'm probably one of those high on emotional baggage people. But i'm glad he's been understanding and patient about it. And while i was struggling to complete my race, i asked myself whether sometimes, i'm just being way too difficult. That i often don't give people and things around me a chance because i've always been too stubborn. Too strong headed. That even if there is a possibility that he might not be genuine, for me to just fall in love without a care and fall head over heels in love and enjoy the process. After all, who is to know if he'll remain true? And if he's out to play with my heart, then life goes on still. But i would then be able to look back and said i enjoyed the moments and the memories!
I suppose it's usually easier said then done. While i was running the race, i was so scared i wouldn't be able to complete it. At one point close to the 35km mark, i sat down, pulled off my shoes and socks and saw the blisters accumulating at my toes. It hurt like hell and i wanted to cry. But i also wanted to be strong and finish the race. Didn't want to be the only person who DNF. And i guess if i can liken my race to that of a relationship, then even if one day, i find out that he's cheating me or playing with my heart, or that it was all just a game to him, then i would feel the hurt and pain, and feel being alone like at the 35km mark and wanted to cry, but then i would still eventually get over the pain if i wanted to make it to the finish point. Sure it'll hurt for probably quite a while. But i'll still live. I'll survive. Right?
Anyway, that was some of the things i thought about throughout my race. The emphasis on the former part of the posting. While the latter was more like a mind distraction to the pain. Being in love helps you overcome many obstacles and keeps your attention diverted away from the physical pain. But i always believe pain is good. Makes you alive in the queerest of ways!
Sundown Marathon 1
Yes! I am no longer a virgin! Hee.. I mean in terms of doing a marathon! Did the Adidas Sundown Marathon last night! And since i completed the race, i am no longer a marathon virgin! I can't quite decide if i enjoyed the race because if there is a word that is consuming my mind right now, the word would be PAIN!
Met up at Tanglin Mall with Gary, Dion, Ying, Yanglyn before heading down to Changi Point together. Convoy of 4 cars made their way slowly on the expressway to meet Lloyd at Changi Point. We got there pretty late. Did some preparations before heading off to the actual race site which was a distance from where we parked our cars. The race was due to flag off at 12 midnite. And it was interesting coz met many familiar faces at the starting point and along the way!
Race started off well for me. I think i was doing a 7min/km pace. But couldn't quite confirm as my ipod tracker wasn't working. No idea why it didn't work. But figured i would just base it on timing. I hit the 10km mark at 1hr 10min. And i hit the 20km mark at 2hr 20 mins. So i knew i was running really consistently. Gary was already on the return leg when i was heading towards the 20km mark. Ying overtook me some between the 18-20km mark. Yanglyn was in between Gary and Ying. On my return leg after the 20km mark, i saw Julzz on the other side and just before i hit the first overhead bridge, i saw Dion and Annie. Along the way, i saw people like Suan, Siva, Edward, Frankie, Mindy, Steven, Andy and many many more familiar faces. Saw lots of familiar faces at the ending too!
Anyway, back to the race, was still going pretty consistently till about 24km. I started to feel that my ITB was really hurting quite badly. I stopped every single marshall from then on to ask if they had deep heat or pain killers. But it seems like no one had. =( Anyway, decided to grin and bear with it coz i figured i was going on strong and wanted to finish the race. Julzz overtook me at about the 25km mark. By then, i started to feel even greater pain. By 28km, i could barely tolerate the pain. I know the phrase mind over matter, but i was hobbling quite badly by then. The pain was really pretty intense and every where hips down could be summed up with the word Pain. But i pushed on, dropping to a 8min/km jog. But when i hit 30km, i cramped up. I fell and some kind soul stopped to help me stretch out my legs and also to give me a salt tablet. After stretching, i was hoping i would feel better and carry on. But the legs were so heavy, everywhere felt swollen and i was really low on energy. I did a jog walk till the 32 km mark. But from that point on, i couldnt take the pain anymore. I just concentrated on putting one leg in front of the other in hopes that each step i took just took me closer to the finishing line. The thought of cabbing back did cross my mind many many times, but i wanted to finisher t and medal. Plus, i didn't want to DNF. So, i kept talking to myself, kept moving albeit at a really slow pace coz the legs were just so so painful. ITB aching up, knees hurting, shin splints. And all i could think of then was how ill prepared i was. =(
Dion over took me at about 37km. 5km more to the final finish point. And he encouraged me to jog/walk with him. But i couldn't even keep up with him. He looked really fresh still and i looked horrid. And then, at one of the points i was trying to keep up with him, the gap between us grew. Then i saw the sign 38km. Only 4 more km to go. And suddenly, it started to pour. The rain, the pain all got to me. I was really close to breaking down. I suppose i was really very torn at that point of time. Only 4km more to the finish line. After all, i had already done 38km. 6hrs worth or run, walk, jog. And with only 4km more to go, i really should push on. But the pain was really playing with my mind by then. I did all i could, jogging but in actual fact limping and after it all, i saw the sign saying 400m more. Then out of the blue, i heard someone shout, Ying Hsin, keep up. Just a short way more. Honestly, i wanted more then anything to increase my strides, and run to the finish point. I wanted to end the agony of it all. But i couldn't open up. It was hard enough putting one foot in front of the other. Then as i got to the bridge, got words of encouragement from the people that were crossing the bridge. Then with maybe 10m more to the finish line, there were a lot of supporters and finishers lining up and cheering participants on. I saw Gia Yee there too. Finally, i crossed the finish line in 6hr 41min. A huge wave of relief washed over me at this point of time. Honestly, i wasn't too happy. More relieved that i was finally at the end.
This Sundown Marathon thought me many lessons. In the last 12km especially, in the hopes of trying to distract myself from the pain, i thought about lots of issues, lots of things that have been going on in my life, my attitude towards life in general. Will write more about the 12km think process later.
Met up at Tanglin Mall with Gary, Dion, Ying, Yanglyn before heading down to Changi Point together. Convoy of 4 cars made their way slowly on the expressway to meet Lloyd at Changi Point. We got there pretty late. Did some preparations before heading off to the actual race site which was a distance from where we parked our cars. The race was due to flag off at 12 midnite. And it was interesting coz met many familiar faces at the starting point and along the way!
Race started off well for me. I think i was doing a 7min/km pace. But couldn't quite confirm as my ipod tracker wasn't working. No idea why it didn't work. But figured i would just base it on timing. I hit the 10km mark at 1hr 10min. And i hit the 20km mark at 2hr 20 mins. So i knew i was running really consistently. Gary was already on the return leg when i was heading towards the 20km mark. Ying overtook me some between the 18-20km mark. Yanglyn was in between Gary and Ying. On my return leg after the 20km mark, i saw Julzz on the other side and just before i hit the first overhead bridge, i saw Dion and Annie. Along the way, i saw people like Suan, Siva, Edward, Frankie, Mindy, Steven, Andy and many many more familiar faces. Saw lots of familiar faces at the ending too!
Anyway, back to the race, was still going pretty consistently till about 24km. I started to feel that my ITB was really hurting quite badly. I stopped every single marshall from then on to ask if they had deep heat or pain killers. But it seems like no one had. =( Anyway, decided to grin and bear with it coz i figured i was going on strong and wanted to finish the race. Julzz overtook me at about the 25km mark. By then, i started to feel even greater pain. By 28km, i could barely tolerate the pain. I know the phrase mind over matter, but i was hobbling quite badly by then. The pain was really pretty intense and every where hips down could be summed up with the word Pain. But i pushed on, dropping to a 8min/km jog. But when i hit 30km, i cramped up. I fell and some kind soul stopped to help me stretch out my legs and also to give me a salt tablet. After stretching, i was hoping i would feel better and carry on. But the legs were so heavy, everywhere felt swollen and i was really low on energy. I did a jog walk till the 32 km mark. But from that point on, i couldnt take the pain anymore. I just concentrated on putting one leg in front of the other in hopes that each step i took just took me closer to the finishing line. The thought of cabbing back did cross my mind many many times, but i wanted to finisher t and medal. Plus, i didn't want to DNF. So, i kept talking to myself, kept moving albeit at a really slow pace coz the legs were just so so painful. ITB aching up, knees hurting, shin splints. And all i could think of then was how ill prepared i was. =(
Dion over took me at about 37km. 5km more to the final finish point. And he encouraged me to jog/walk with him. But i couldn't even keep up with him. He looked really fresh still and i looked horrid. And then, at one of the points i was trying to keep up with him, the gap between us grew. Then i saw the sign 38km. Only 4 more km to go. And suddenly, it started to pour. The rain, the pain all got to me. I was really close to breaking down. I suppose i was really very torn at that point of time. Only 4km more to the finish line. After all, i had already done 38km. 6hrs worth or run, walk, jog. And with only 4km more to go, i really should push on. But the pain was really playing with my mind by then. I did all i could, jogging but in actual fact limping and after it all, i saw the sign saying 400m more. Then out of the blue, i heard someone shout, Ying Hsin, keep up. Just a short way more. Honestly, i wanted more then anything to increase my strides, and run to the finish point. I wanted to end the agony of it all. But i couldn't open up. It was hard enough putting one foot in front of the other. Then as i got to the bridge, got words of encouragement from the people that were crossing the bridge. Then with maybe 10m more to the finish line, there were a lot of supporters and finishers lining up and cheering participants on. I saw Gia Yee there too. Finally, i crossed the finish line in 6hr 41min. A huge wave of relief washed over me at this point of time. Honestly, i wasn't too happy. More relieved that i was finally at the end.
This Sundown Marathon thought me many lessons. In the last 12km especially, in the hopes of trying to distract myself from the pain, i thought about lots of issues, lots of things that have been going on in my life, my attitude towards life in general. Will write more about the 12km think process later.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Curtain Call
Remember i mentioned that there was this thought running through my mind? And i wanted to give it some thought before blogging about it? Call it 6th sense, gut instinct or whatever you wish to call it. But somehow, i knew that there was a reason why these two words suddenly popped in my head.
If you have ever been to a play, a musical, and watched it to the very end, then you would have this part called the curtain call, where they bring all the actors or singers on stage once again, to take a bow while the audience claps and claps non stop. You get to basically see almost the whole production team etc. I often think that that is probably the 'greatest' moment. Where the show has ended, you know you put on a good show and the level of clapping indicates the appreciation of the audience and how you have touched their hearts and have given them a couple of hours of entertainment and enjoyment.
Finally, when the clapping is done, the encores are done, the curtain falls and the audience starts to leave. And if you are the actor/singer, and you are not already backstage, packing up and getting ready to go for the usual celebratory meal, and you are standing and facing a now empty place, where rows and rows of seats are now empty, it must definitely be an entirely different feeling.
I have often wondered if there were those that felt different from me at this point of time. I think about the hours that were put in to rehearse, the sweat, the tears, the hard work, just to make this production a complete success. I think of living, breathing and being the character that was in the show and now, suddenly, life has reverted back to normal. That you go back to being just you and no longer that character that you were playing/acting. And at that moment, i felt a sense of loss, a sense of being alone in this world and a deep void. Maybe the saying all good things must come to an end rings true at this point of time?
In many ways, a relationship reminds me of this curtain call feeling. The feeling of euphoria, the feeling of being appreciated while in a relationship. The feeling of being in love. And when it ends, it's just like the curtains falling and when it goes up once again, you are left alone to watch the rows and rows of empty seats and stalls. I have never been very lucky when it comes to love i suppose. And as tough as it is for me to verbalize exactly what i felt in the last 2 months, i know that when i said the words that i had to say, i was certain it was a lot more painful for me then for him. And coz i am such an empathetic person, as much as i would like to live in my own fairytale world and pretend that the situation is still beautiful and magnificent, somehow at the back of my mind, i know that it will be him who will get hurt in the long run.
Then again, maybe i am just being way ahead of myself. But i've been in those shoes before, sort of like the been there done that feeling. And just because i've walked that path before and know that it is an extremely difficult and painful path to walk, i would never wish that upon anyone. And so, tonight, i spoke my piece. And i knew it would hurt. I knew that as much as i can act like i'm cool about it, i was hurting inside. It was beautiful while it lasted and i suppose that was the most important part. It was like being rudely awakened from a really really sweet dream. Then again, maybe it was just a dream. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, and day dreaming on my part while i was having a really tough period at work. And now that it's time to start working on my production, someone had to wake me up?
If you have ever been to a play, a musical, and watched it to the very end, then you would have this part called the curtain call, where they bring all the actors or singers on stage once again, to take a bow while the audience claps and claps non stop. You get to basically see almost the whole production team etc. I often think that that is probably the 'greatest' moment. Where the show has ended, you know you put on a good show and the level of clapping indicates the appreciation of the audience and how you have touched their hearts and have given them a couple of hours of entertainment and enjoyment.
Finally, when the clapping is done, the encores are done, the curtain falls and the audience starts to leave. And if you are the actor/singer, and you are not already backstage, packing up and getting ready to go for the usual celebratory meal, and you are standing and facing a now empty place, where rows and rows of seats are now empty, it must definitely be an entirely different feeling.
I have often wondered if there were those that felt different from me at this point of time. I think about the hours that were put in to rehearse, the sweat, the tears, the hard work, just to make this production a complete success. I think of living, breathing and being the character that was in the show and now, suddenly, life has reverted back to normal. That you go back to being just you and no longer that character that you were playing/acting. And at that moment, i felt a sense of loss, a sense of being alone in this world and a deep void. Maybe the saying all good things must come to an end rings true at this point of time?
In many ways, a relationship reminds me of this curtain call feeling. The feeling of euphoria, the feeling of being appreciated while in a relationship. The feeling of being in love. And when it ends, it's just like the curtains falling and when it goes up once again, you are left alone to watch the rows and rows of empty seats and stalls. I have never been very lucky when it comes to love i suppose. And as tough as it is for me to verbalize exactly what i felt in the last 2 months, i know that when i said the words that i had to say, i was certain it was a lot more painful for me then for him. And coz i am such an empathetic person, as much as i would like to live in my own fairytale world and pretend that the situation is still beautiful and magnificent, somehow at the back of my mind, i know that it will be him who will get hurt in the long run.
Then again, maybe i am just being way ahead of myself. But i've been in those shoes before, sort of like the been there done that feeling. And just because i've walked that path before and know that it is an extremely difficult and painful path to walk, i would never wish that upon anyone. And so, tonight, i spoke my piece. And i knew it would hurt. I knew that as much as i can act like i'm cool about it, i was hurting inside. It was beautiful while it lasted and i suppose that was the most important part. It was like being rudely awakened from a really really sweet dream. Then again, maybe it was just a dream. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, and day dreaming on my part while i was having a really tough period at work. And now that it's time to start working on my production, someone had to wake me up?
Thursday, May 29, 2008
2 Days till Sundown
It's just another 2 days before Sundown. And i'm still coughing my lungs out and fluing away! Sighz. I'm really quite disappointed and i've done everything i could to will the cough away. Now all i can do is pray really hard that the cough and flu goes away miraculously tomorrow and i will have a day to readjust before running on Saturday night. =(
The last couple of days have been pretty topsy turvy for me. A couple of highs and lows. But i suppose end of the day, that is probably what life is all about! The constant cycle of highs and lows.
Of course since i've been sick since last week, i have not had the chance to train even the slightest bit. And i suppose at times, we never value and treasure the things that are right before our eyes. Generally, we take for granted the things that surround us. Especially our health. And it is at times when i am sick, coughing my lungs out where i wish i had taken more care of myself. Made more of an effort to rest when it was time to rest rather then stress my body unduly. It's not the first time i've been sick so close to a race. Very often, people around me think i am cutting it too closely, as with most things i do in life. And is it really sufficient to just rest a day, recover and go for a race? Probably when i was younger and the passion and drive to want to compete got the better of me, i would tell you without a doubt that i would race. That even if i drop dead after crossing the finishing line, it would satisfy the very sinister part of me. Now, i'm not really sure what my answer would be. In fact, i have very mixed feelings even at this point of time as to whether i would compete or not. Maybe it's due to the fact that as i grow older, i feel that there are many more considerations or maybe it is in tune with the chinese saying, resting so that you can walk a longer journey.
Other then that, have been working a little harder this month and hanging out with friends quite a bit this month. Friends have been helping me take away the feeling of helplessness in not being able to train and not being able to do very much with races just round the corner. And with June just round the corner and a horrible first quarter production, i figured it was time to buck up on my work and just put in that little more effort. And seems either this is my lucky month or that little more effort is paying off. Had 4 referrals already this month and things look positive at this point of time. Just waiting to sign the papers. And 2 more cases that are a 80% close, coz they are very keen in buying. So, that means if all goes well, by end June, i will have 6 insurance policies settled. =) It doesn't really matter what the case size is, just the numbers at this point coz my numbers look weak.
So, i guess all in all, things have been rather positive looking. So if you read this far, you must be wondering, a lot of highs, where are the lows. Hehe... Eh, let me give u the abridged version. Met new guy, date new guy, have lots of fun together. The low, new guy is married. Seems like when it comes to relationships, i can constantly get it wrong. But i suppose, one day i'll get it right. =)
The last couple of days have been pretty topsy turvy for me. A couple of highs and lows. But i suppose end of the day, that is probably what life is all about! The constant cycle of highs and lows.
Of course since i've been sick since last week, i have not had the chance to train even the slightest bit. And i suppose at times, we never value and treasure the things that are right before our eyes. Generally, we take for granted the things that surround us. Especially our health. And it is at times when i am sick, coughing my lungs out where i wish i had taken more care of myself. Made more of an effort to rest when it was time to rest rather then stress my body unduly. It's not the first time i've been sick so close to a race. Very often, people around me think i am cutting it too closely, as with most things i do in life. And is it really sufficient to just rest a day, recover and go for a race? Probably when i was younger and the passion and drive to want to compete got the better of me, i would tell you without a doubt that i would race. That even if i drop dead after crossing the finishing line, it would satisfy the very sinister part of me. Now, i'm not really sure what my answer would be. In fact, i have very mixed feelings even at this point of time as to whether i would compete or not. Maybe it's due to the fact that as i grow older, i feel that there are many more considerations or maybe it is in tune with the chinese saying, resting so that you can walk a longer journey.
Other then that, have been working a little harder this month and hanging out with friends quite a bit this month. Friends have been helping me take away the feeling of helplessness in not being able to train and not being able to do very much with races just round the corner. And with June just round the corner and a horrible first quarter production, i figured it was time to buck up on my work and just put in that little more effort. And seems either this is my lucky month or that little more effort is paying off. Had 4 referrals already this month and things look positive at this point of time. Just waiting to sign the papers. And 2 more cases that are a 80% close, coz they are very keen in buying. So, that means if all goes well, by end June, i will have 6 insurance policies settled. =) It doesn't really matter what the case size is, just the numbers at this point coz my numbers look weak.
So, i guess all in all, things have been rather positive looking. So if you read this far, you must be wondering, a lot of highs, where are the lows. Hehe... Eh, let me give u the abridged version. Met new guy, date new guy, have lots of fun together. The low, new guy is married. Seems like when it comes to relationships, i can constantly get it wrong. But i suppose, one day i'll get it right. =)
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The last couple of days
Didn't blog the last couple of days. =(
Anyway, have not been training as well. Last run done was 5km run on Thursday evening. Was supposed to head down to TP to join the guys, but left work late, so ran on my own. But felt shitty half way through the run and decided to call it quits after 5km.
Should have listened to my body and rested more after not being able to complete my original 10km run. But, Jaja called and decided to go meet her for drinks instead since there was nothing much to do at home as well. Got pissed drunk. It's been a long time manz. Long time as in i've gotten so drunk that i had to puke so many times within the night. I always say i'm going to stay off alcohol when that happens, but somehow, i forget rather easily the lousy feeling that comes with going on a drinking binge. =)
Woke up on Friday morning with a massive hangover. And to top off the hangover, i had a slight fever, flu, cough and a bad throat. I'm not sure if it had to do with the deprived sleep coz of hanging out for the last couple of nights, or the drinking, or my body was basically tired, or all of the above, but felt quite crappy after that. =( But i couldn't really sleep coz not very tired, so hung out with a friend for a while before heading down to Turf Club for the races.
Woke up pretty early this morning, which was a joke since i couldn't train with the throat and cough and flu still hanging around. The fever was an on/off thing. Took the medication, before heading back to sleep again. Woke up, felt slightly better and decided to go out. Was supposed to meet up with TG, but as usual, he was busy with work and begged off on the fact that he had to rush a report out. Was a little disappointed i guess.
But was still rather determined to hang out rather then stay couped up at home. So went out with a friend for a while. Then went for dinner and did some shopping coz toiletries were on the low. Spent the rest of the evening at home, watching tele.
Caught the channel 5 show, mindhunters. Thought the show was pretty great! Impressed with the storyline and plot. I like shows that require me to think and have a twist to the ending. Anything predictable is BORING!
I guess it's time to head off to bed. Although, before i go, this thought has been running through my mind the whole day. Curtain call. Hmm, will give it a little more thought and blog about it when i wake up i guess. =) Nitez
Anyway, have not been training as well. Last run done was 5km run on Thursday evening. Was supposed to head down to TP to join the guys, but left work late, so ran on my own. But felt shitty half way through the run and decided to call it quits after 5km.
Should have listened to my body and rested more after not being able to complete my original 10km run. But, Jaja called and decided to go meet her for drinks instead since there was nothing much to do at home as well. Got pissed drunk. It's been a long time manz. Long time as in i've gotten so drunk that i had to puke so many times within the night. I always say i'm going to stay off alcohol when that happens, but somehow, i forget rather easily the lousy feeling that comes with going on a drinking binge. =)
Woke up on Friday morning with a massive hangover. And to top off the hangover, i had a slight fever, flu, cough and a bad throat. I'm not sure if it had to do with the deprived sleep coz of hanging out for the last couple of nights, or the drinking, or my body was basically tired, or all of the above, but felt quite crappy after that. =( But i couldn't really sleep coz not very tired, so hung out with a friend for a while before heading down to Turf Club for the races.
Woke up pretty early this morning, which was a joke since i couldn't train with the throat and cough and flu still hanging around. The fever was an on/off thing. Took the medication, before heading back to sleep again. Woke up, felt slightly better and decided to go out. Was supposed to meet up with TG, but as usual, he was busy with work and begged off on the fact that he had to rush a report out. Was a little disappointed i guess.
But was still rather determined to hang out rather then stay couped up at home. So went out with a friend for a while. Then went for dinner and did some shopping coz toiletries were on the low. Spent the rest of the evening at home, watching tele.
Caught the channel 5 show, mindhunters. Thought the show was pretty great! Impressed with the storyline and plot. I like shows that require me to think and have a twist to the ending. Anything predictable is BORING!
I guess it's time to head off to bed. Although, before i go, this thought has been running through my mind the whole day. Curtain call. Hmm, will give it a little more thought and blog about it when i wake up i guess. =) Nitez
Thursday, May 22, 2008
How can something be so wrong and yet so right
Love is blind. Or so i have been told. But wait, i don't think i trust myself enough to love again. Maybe the occasional hugs and kisses are great. The company fantastic. And yet, there is still something wrong with the entire equation. Could it be Me? Could it be that i don't trust myself enough to put my eggs into the basket? Or that i don't trust myself enough to put two feet in.
There will always be two schools of thoughts i believe. One school of thought would be, why take the plunge? Put the little toe in to test the temperature before deciding whether the water is cool enough or warm enough, while the other school of thought is, unless u place yourself in, you never know how the water feels. Over the years, i would like to believe i have grown up and am now starting to be a little more matured and hesitant to take the first plunge. But, at the back of my mind, the saying, if you never try, you never know, resounds over and over again.
So the question then is, when do u think it is safe to take the plunge or when it is better to just chill out by the sea and just enjoy the scenery?
I definitely have no answer to this question. Because, when it comes to emotions, i often ask myself, how can something be so wrong and yet so right?
PS. Before you start flooding my inbox, there is no one in particular this post is for =P
There will always be two schools of thoughts i believe. One school of thought would be, why take the plunge? Put the little toe in to test the temperature before deciding whether the water is cool enough or warm enough, while the other school of thought is, unless u place yourself in, you never know how the water feels. Over the years, i would like to believe i have grown up and am now starting to be a little more matured and hesitant to take the first plunge. But, at the back of my mind, the saying, if you never try, you never know, resounds over and over again.
So the question then is, when do u think it is safe to take the plunge or when it is better to just chill out by the sea and just enjoy the scenery?
I definitely have no answer to this question. Because, when it comes to emotions, i often ask myself, how can something be so wrong and yet so right?
PS. Before you start flooding my inbox, there is no one in particular this post is for =P
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Random thoughts
No specific title. So will have to settle on this. Honestly haven't done much since the trifam sprint. Oh wait, that was just two days back. But have been so busy that i have not really had the time to do much. Plus kinda tired. And it seems like every time after a race, i fall sick. =( It's a good thing i'm still on a high from the Trifam Sprint. Hehe
Went for a long swim today. Basically it was an easy swim, just trying to clock some mileage, getting back into the rhythm and getting comfortable in the water. Did warm up, then 500m pull buoy, 500m kicking and 500m swim. Two sets, cool down and i was out of the pool. But still feeling really weird and uncomfortable in the water. Can pull, can kick. But cannot put the two together to swim. Sighz...
Anyway, didn't do ENR tonight, coz didn't see any posting of it until late afternoon. Of which, by then, i thought there was no ENR and already agreed to go out with friends. So, no biking today. =( I'm beginning to enjoy biking more and more actually. hee..
Went for dinner with a friend and his friends. Hung out for a while after that, just sitting around, chatting and chilling. Nothing much to write really. Have some stuff in my mind, but haven't figured it and sorted it out yet. Will write tomorrow. Nitez
Went for a long swim today. Basically it was an easy swim, just trying to clock some mileage, getting back into the rhythm and getting comfortable in the water. Did warm up, then 500m pull buoy, 500m kicking and 500m swim. Two sets, cool down and i was out of the pool. But still feeling really weird and uncomfortable in the water. Can pull, can kick. But cannot put the two together to swim. Sighz...
Anyway, didn't do ENR tonight, coz didn't see any posting of it until late afternoon. Of which, by then, i thought there was no ENR and already agreed to go out with friends. So, no biking today. =( I'm beginning to enjoy biking more and more actually. hee..
Went for dinner with a friend and his friends. Hung out for a while after that, just sitting around, chatting and chilling. Nothing much to write really. Have some stuff in my mind, but haven't figured it and sorted it out yet. Will write tomorrow. Nitez
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Happy Vesak Day and the long weekend!
The supposedly long weekend came and left so fast that i feel like i haven't even rested enough. Ok. Could be due to the fact that while i was supposed to rest, i didn't. Anyway, the last 3 days went as follows. Saturday morning woke up at 3am, headed to Turf Club to catch the foreign horses do track work. Bloody Japanese must request for the 4am slot. So had to make sure we were there before 4am so that can take pictures of them at track work. Finished and returned home at about 9am. Then went for a short easy swim. Did exactly 30 laps and then it was back home to shower, change and off to Turf Club again. It was a super hectic day as the first 9 races were all cup races. So, barely enough time to do everything that needed to be done! Plus, there was 1 less backup photographer today, so had to be 101% alert. Good thing i didn't miss a single shot and managed to take a couple of nice pictures. But quite lucky coz some of the more lao jiao photographers were super helpful and one guy even reminded me to on flash in the champagne room, coz first race i forgot to bring the flash downstairs. Hehe. Races ended at close to 8pm, headed home to put all the equipment down before heading out to dinner. Finished dinner close to 10pm, then met Alvin for coffee.
Sunday woke up early, had to go for Trifam Sprint. Sprint was 750m swim, 18km bike and about 5km run. Although i suspect the run route was only 4.5km. Anyway, woke up quite early in fact. Considering i slept at 1 plus, woke up at 4.30am. Laid in bed for some time deciding whether to go for the sprint or not. Quite funny lor. If i psyched myself up to race, then i will be very stress and anxious. Then will think of not turning up. But if i say take it easy, no stress, then i wake up and feel like not in the mood to race, so can don't go. Haha... But it was a good thing i spoke to Xiao Ying the night before and said i would be there. Plus i figured since already wake up, then take it as a sign that i should go for it. Not say wake up late, overslept etc. But on the entire drive there, i was getting more and more jittery. Jurong to Coastal road is quite far. Enough time for the thought of turning back to recur in my mind many times. I felt like i wasn't prepared. What if cannot finish. Haven't been training much lately. All these negative thoughts plagued my mind non stop. Finally reached race site. It was less intimidating then the NUS biathlon that i did coz there were a lot more familiar faces this time round and before race can walk around and chit chat. Made me calm down a little. But chit chat chit chat, then hardly did any warm up and stretching. Hehe..
Just before the race, i asked myself if i wanted to set a target for this race and what i wanted to achieve. But since this is my first tri race, albeit a sprint event, i told myself that i just want to complete it. As usual, race objectives were, complete without walking during the run, not be last and before the 2hr cut off time. So, with simple baby step goals in mind, i went into the sea to wait for the sea start. Started swimming, not too bad. Sea a bit dirty, first 200m was a little crowded. Couldn't find my pace, couldn't feel my rhythm. Maybe coz never warm up. Hee.. The next 550m was easier, although went off course for a while. Came out of the sea and scraped my knees a little against something rough. But small issue. Feeling rather decent and strong still. Went into the transition area to pick up my bike. Took really really long there. I admit i need to work on this transition thingee. But i like to be clean and drive before i put on my tri top and get on my bike. Plus, i suppose because i didn't set any challenging targets for myself, i was very relaxed. So what if i took a couple more extra minutes in transition? =) Headed out for the bike route. Before race, my strategy was to take easy swim, bike hard and then easy run. Why? Coz practicing brick training for duathlon in June. So, i pedaled hard, managed to over take some people on the bike leg. But also got over taken a couple of times. But all in all, was pleased with my bike effort. Finished biking, went into transition again, and lost a lot of ground once again. Was little hesitant in moving off. Coz i heard Julzzz said Xiao Ying behind me, then thought maybe wait for her then can run together. By the time i came into transition, i had more then 45 minutes before cut off time. So i knew no matter how slow i run, i had more then sufficient time to finish the run. But waited quite a bit and didn't see her. Was chatting with Dion. Then cannot remember who tell me, transition not meant for socializing. So i pai seh, then started running. Took a slow easy run, encouraged 2 people along the way, and finally finished the race. Felt really glad and good. Stayed on to chat with some of the trifamers before giving Jerry a lift back home coz he biked to coastal road and heading home.
(Picture from top left (Clockwise) : Xiao Ying and I before the race, My bike and I, Out of the water, Looking good in the run =)
Love the bike pic! My first ever picture of myself while riding. Thanks to Julzzz and Xuan Jing for the beautiful pictures)
Reached home, took a short 20 minutes power nap, before it was off to the Turf Club again. It was a good thing racing only started at 3 plus. Which means if we reach at 2pm, it would be comfortable. So, got to Turf Club at about 2.15pm. From start to end of the day, everyone was highly strung. Biggest racing day of the Singapore Race Calendar. And the place was swarming with people. Plus security was extremely tight. So, all in all, i would say it was a horrid racing session for me. There were a lot of foreign reporters and journalist around and it was crazy. I finally understand the meaning of media circus. Damn. Everyone was fighting for a gap at the barriers so that can capture nice pictures. And it was a mad dash from paddock, to barrier. Running up, running down. Felt like i was doing another race. Run from upstairs, down to press box, down to paddock, to barriers, back up to owners lounge, back down to foreign media are to send pictures to HKJC, and back to barrier to take Krisflyer cup race. Last race ended at 9pm. But stayed on to edit pictures to send the edited pictures overseas for the HK media. Finally left club at 11pm. Nerves were super irritated. Not to mention i quarreled with dad 3 times at club over photo issues and all bo liao matters. Anyway, always like that one lah. He gets irritable, jittery and short tempered when there are a lot of things to do. Only coz he has no system in doing things. Sigh. So, finally at 11pm, i was tired, hungry and irritated. And you can't scold your dad. Anyway, Alvin came back to club to pick me up although he left after race 6. Sweet of him coz i was in a bad mood. We went for dinner and then went to chill out for a while. Only coz i didn't want to be home until the folks went to bed. Finally reached home at about 2 plus am, showered and went to bed at 3.30am. What a long long day.
Woke up early this morning. Was quite tired, but just woke up. Plus i was hungry. So wanted to look for food at home, but before i could find food, dad asked if i could help him deliver pictures. Although i was still angry with him for losing his temper at me the night before, i obliged. So went to Ubi to deliver the pictures for him and headed back towards home, hoping to stop for a little breakfast. Plus the sun was shining nice and bright this morning and hoping to get some swimming done before the crowd headed in to the pool. But was interrupted en route home when i received a call from dad saying that he couldn't send the pictures over to malaysia. Damn. So before i had a chance to take breaky, i was home once again, helping him send pictures to Malaysia. That took longer then expected and it was almost close to noon when i was done. By then, i was feeling really hungry, so took 4 slices of bread. Damn. Wonder why i grow fat some more. Anyway, was also feeling a little tired once again, so took a 45 minute nap before off i went to the Turf Club again. That's 3 days in a row i went to Club. Sighz. But with two days worth of cup races, there were a lot pictures that were not edited and printed yet. So had to go if not cannot give them their pictures on Friday or those that want pictures this week will not be able to get their pictures. But dad was working this afternoon so i was on my own at Club. Finally finished about 4ish, was super duper hungry again, so headed off to take some solid food. Came home close to 6pm, too full to swim, so decided to take another short nap before deciding what to do for the rest of the evening. Was texting a friend who said maybe will have coffee. But said later in the night. So thought i had time to squeeze in a half hour to an hour nap. Slept for 25 minutes, before the phone rang. It was my friend asking why i didn't reply sms. That he was downstairs already. So i crawled out of bed, changed and went to meet my friend for coffee. Came home after coffee and decided i really really need to sleep. But then decided i really really want to blog first. And now that i am almost done. I can finally SLEEP!!!!!!!!! Whoo Hoooooooooooooo
Sunday woke up early, had to go for Trifam Sprint. Sprint was 750m swim, 18km bike and about 5km run. Although i suspect the run route was only 4.5km. Anyway, woke up quite early in fact. Considering i slept at 1 plus, woke up at 4.30am. Laid in bed for some time deciding whether to go for the sprint or not. Quite funny lor. If i psyched myself up to race, then i will be very stress and anxious. Then will think of not turning up. But if i say take it easy, no stress, then i wake up and feel like not in the mood to race, so can don't go. Haha... But it was a good thing i spoke to Xiao Ying the night before and said i would be there. Plus i figured since already wake up, then take it as a sign that i should go for it. Not say wake up late, overslept etc. But on the entire drive there, i was getting more and more jittery. Jurong to Coastal road is quite far. Enough time for the thought of turning back to recur in my mind many times. I felt like i wasn't prepared. What if cannot finish. Haven't been training much lately. All these negative thoughts plagued my mind non stop. Finally reached race site. It was less intimidating then the NUS biathlon that i did coz there were a lot more familiar faces this time round and before race can walk around and chit chat. Made me calm down a little. But chit chat chit chat, then hardly did any warm up and stretching. Hehe..
Just before the race, i asked myself if i wanted to set a target for this race and what i wanted to achieve. But since this is my first tri race, albeit a sprint event, i told myself that i just want to complete it. As usual, race objectives were, complete without walking during the run, not be last and before the 2hr cut off time. So, with simple baby step goals in mind, i went into the sea to wait for the sea start. Started swimming, not too bad. Sea a bit dirty, first 200m was a little crowded. Couldn't find my pace, couldn't feel my rhythm. Maybe coz never warm up. Hee.. The next 550m was easier, although went off course for a while. Came out of the sea and scraped my knees a little against something rough. But small issue. Feeling rather decent and strong still. Went into the transition area to pick up my bike. Took really really long there. I admit i need to work on this transition thingee. But i like to be clean and drive before i put on my tri top and get on my bike. Plus, i suppose because i didn't set any challenging targets for myself, i was very relaxed. So what if i took a couple more extra minutes in transition? =) Headed out for the bike route. Before race, my strategy was to take easy swim, bike hard and then easy run. Why? Coz practicing brick training for duathlon in June. So, i pedaled hard, managed to over take some people on the bike leg. But also got over taken a couple of times. But all in all, was pleased with my bike effort. Finished biking, went into transition again, and lost a lot of ground once again. Was little hesitant in moving off. Coz i heard Julzzz said Xiao Ying behind me, then thought maybe wait for her then can run together. By the time i came into transition, i had more then 45 minutes before cut off time. So i knew no matter how slow i run, i had more then sufficient time to finish the run. But waited quite a bit and didn't see her. Was chatting with Dion. Then cannot remember who tell me, transition not meant for socializing. So i pai seh, then started running. Took a slow easy run, encouraged 2 people along the way, and finally finished the race. Felt really glad and good. Stayed on to chat with some of the trifamers before giving Jerry a lift back home coz he biked to coastal road and heading home.
(Picture from top left (Clockwise) : Xiao Ying and I before the race, My bike and I, Out of the water, Looking good in the run =)
Love the bike pic! My first ever picture of myself while riding. Thanks to Julzzz and Xuan Jing for the beautiful pictures)
Reached home, took a short 20 minutes power nap, before it was off to the Turf Club again. It was a good thing racing only started at 3 plus. Which means if we reach at 2pm, it would be comfortable. So, got to Turf Club at about 2.15pm. From start to end of the day, everyone was highly strung. Biggest racing day of the Singapore Race Calendar. And the place was swarming with people. Plus security was extremely tight. So, all in all, i would say it was a horrid racing session for me. There were a lot of foreign reporters and journalist around and it was crazy. I finally understand the meaning of media circus. Damn. Everyone was fighting for a gap at the barriers so that can capture nice pictures. And it was a mad dash from paddock, to barrier. Running up, running down. Felt like i was doing another race. Run from upstairs, down to press box, down to paddock, to barriers, back up to owners lounge, back down to foreign media are to send pictures to HKJC, and back to barrier to take Krisflyer cup race. Last race ended at 9pm. But stayed on to edit pictures to send the edited pictures overseas for the HK media. Finally left club at 11pm. Nerves were super irritated. Not to mention i quarreled with dad 3 times at club over photo issues and all bo liao matters. Anyway, always like that one lah. He gets irritable, jittery and short tempered when there are a lot of things to do. Only coz he has no system in doing things. Sigh. So, finally at 11pm, i was tired, hungry and irritated. And you can't scold your dad. Anyway, Alvin came back to club to pick me up although he left after race 6. Sweet of him coz i was in a bad mood. We went for dinner and then went to chill out for a while. Only coz i didn't want to be home until the folks went to bed. Finally reached home at about 2 plus am, showered and went to bed at 3.30am. What a long long day.
Woke up early this morning. Was quite tired, but just woke up. Plus i was hungry. So wanted to look for food at home, but before i could find food, dad asked if i could help him deliver pictures. Although i was still angry with him for losing his temper at me the night before, i obliged. So went to Ubi to deliver the pictures for him and headed back towards home, hoping to stop for a little breakfast. Plus the sun was shining nice and bright this morning and hoping to get some swimming done before the crowd headed in to the pool. But was interrupted en route home when i received a call from dad saying that he couldn't send the pictures over to malaysia. Damn. So before i had a chance to take breaky, i was home once again, helping him send pictures to Malaysia. That took longer then expected and it was almost close to noon when i was done. By then, i was feeling really hungry, so took 4 slices of bread. Damn. Wonder why i grow fat some more. Anyway, was also feeling a little tired once again, so took a 45 minute nap before off i went to the Turf Club again. That's 3 days in a row i went to Club. Sighz. But with two days worth of cup races, there were a lot pictures that were not edited and printed yet. So had to go if not cannot give them their pictures on Friday or those that want pictures this week will not be able to get their pictures. But dad was working this afternoon so i was on my own at Club. Finally finished about 4ish, was super duper hungry again, so headed off to take some solid food. Came home close to 6pm, too full to swim, so decided to take another short nap before deciding what to do for the rest of the evening. Was texting a friend who said maybe will have coffee. But said later in the night. So thought i had time to squeeze in a half hour to an hour nap. Slept for 25 minutes, before the phone rang. It was my friend asking why i didn't reply sms. That he was downstairs already. So i crawled out of bed, changed and went to meet my friend for coffee. Came home after coffee and decided i really really need to sleep. But then decided i really really want to blog first. And now that i am almost done. I can finally SLEEP!!!!!!!!! Whoo Hoooooooooooooo
Friday, May 16, 2008
Just another day... Yesterday
Yesterday was a nice day! Went for a nice long run. Ok, not very long, but still, i had fun. Slow, comfortable and most importantly, very consistent pace! =) I don't even remember any run where the curve was totally flat and straight. But i suppose that is important, consistency during the Sundown Marathon.
Went running with Dion and Lloyd. Lloyd ran ahead of Dion and Me, while Dion and I slowly jogged at a pace where we were comfortable with. Pace after the run was 6.34min/km. Which is a nice easy, comfy pace for me and i think i will be able to last at this pace. Anyway, it was a good thing the guys were running with me as well, coz the reservoir was pretty dark and quiet at some places.
After the only 9km run, we went to eat Macdonalds. Hee... All the hard work gone to waste. But we were tired and lazy to travel, so just had dinner/supper there lah. But this morning when i weighed myself, i realised i put on weight. Could be the fact that i've been having suppers and going to sleep soon after each time after my night runs. Sighz.. Also dun know what to do. Don't eat then take a longer time to recover. Eat then grow fat. How?!?
Anyway, only 2 more weeks to Sundown, then after that can revert back to normal training of morning and evening.
Went running with Dion and Lloyd. Lloyd ran ahead of Dion and Me, while Dion and I slowly jogged at a pace where we were comfortable with. Pace after the run was 6.34min/km. Which is a nice easy, comfy pace for me and i think i will be able to last at this pace. Anyway, it was a good thing the guys were running with me as well, coz the reservoir was pretty dark and quiet at some places.
After the only 9km run, we went to eat Macdonalds. Hee... All the hard work gone to waste. But we were tired and lazy to travel, so just had dinner/supper there lah. But this morning when i weighed myself, i realised i put on weight. Could be the fact that i've been having suppers and going to sleep soon after each time after my night runs. Sighz.. Also dun know what to do. Don't eat then take a longer time to recover. Eat then grow fat. How?!?
Anyway, only 2 more weeks to Sundown, then after that can revert back to normal training of morning and evening.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
For whatever reasons, yesterday felt like a really lazy day. I didn't feel like working, didn't feel like blogging. Basically, the whole day went about with me not doing anything constructive. Didn't train also. Hehe... It felt like a really really LAZY day! Could be due to the rain, or the fact that i felt so super duper exhausted. Seems the training that i've been doing, although not much has taken out more from me then i knew. And so, i spent the day yawning, in desperate need for sleep and a good rubdown.
Went to catch a show with two of the swimming guys and their better halves last night. What happens in Vegas! On a scale of 1-10, i would probably rate it 5.5 to 6. Not a fantastic show, plot was pretty predictable. But i suppose good for a laugh and also if you are dating, one of those couple-ly shows. There was only one part in the show where it struck me just how much like Ashton Kutcher i was. He said in this one line in the show, i guess i took myself out of the game. Coz if you never bet on yourself, you never lose. And i suppose this struck a chord in my heart coz for the longest of time, i too felt like that. =) It's really a rather paradoxical situation. Coz if you take yourself out of the game early on, you already lose. But if you play the game, there is a 50% chance of winning. But i suppose there will be some people with a different mindset altogether who feel that if there is no effort put in, then it doesn't count and therefore, if there are no results produced, its normal. I guess that was the only part in the show that struck a chord, other then the fact that i soooooooo want to go to Sin City! Haa... But of course, going to Sin City with shitloads of money would be nice! Hehe...
During the show previews, i saw a couple more shows that i would want to catch! Sex in the City is coming to Singapore!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! I swear there is a Mr Big in every girl's life. And if you have never met him, you haven't lived life. Alright i exaggerate! Maybe not every girl, but i suppose the idea of Mr Big makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. Hmm... wonder who my Mr Big is.. Hehe... Then there is Made of Honor. Only reason why i am catching such a soap show which i generally avoid while i am not dating is because of Patrick Dempsey. OMG, he is like the only caucasian man i like. I suppose most of you know i don't like dating Ang Mor men. But i lied. If a Patrick Dempsey look-a-like wanted to date me, hell YES! i would date him. Hee... I haven't caught Ironman yet as well. But not too hyped up about the show. So that's fine! Oh yeah, Kung Fu Panda as well. No bloody clue what the show is about, but its a cartoon. And every grown up should watch cartoons. Keeps us sharp and in touch with the child within us. And i love the short advert at the start of the movie if you go to GV where he says, i'm watching you...
Alright, that pretty much sums up the list of shows i would probably want to catch. Any takers?
After the movie, i came home, and as usual, the people in my estate all come home really early and there was not a parking lot in sight. But as usual, i have quite a bit of luck with parking lots. And after rounding the estate for 15 minutes, there was a lot just at my blk. And i met this guy who was also eyeing the lot. And he said, wah, you very lucky ar? Last night you also managed to get a lot, then tonight as well. =) What can i say, my guardian angel has been working overtime lately. Hehe...
I guess that probably sums up the lazy day yesterday! Why am i so free to blog when i should be doing work.. Eh.. just procrastinating. Ok, back to the grind, will update more tonight! =)
Went to catch a show with two of the swimming guys and their better halves last night. What happens in Vegas! On a scale of 1-10, i would probably rate it 5.5 to 6. Not a fantastic show, plot was pretty predictable. But i suppose good for a laugh and also if you are dating, one of those couple-ly shows. There was only one part in the show where it struck me just how much like Ashton Kutcher i was. He said in this one line in the show, i guess i took myself out of the game. Coz if you never bet on yourself, you never lose. And i suppose this struck a chord in my heart coz for the longest of time, i too felt like that. =) It's really a rather paradoxical situation. Coz if you take yourself out of the game early on, you already lose. But if you play the game, there is a 50% chance of winning. But i suppose there will be some people with a different mindset altogether who feel that if there is no effort put in, then it doesn't count and therefore, if there are no results produced, its normal. I guess that was the only part in the show that struck a chord, other then the fact that i soooooooo want to go to Sin City! Haa... But of course, going to Sin City with shitloads of money would be nice! Hehe...
During the show previews, i saw a couple more shows that i would want to catch! Sex in the City is coming to Singapore!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! I swear there is a Mr Big in every girl's life. And if you have never met him, you haven't lived life. Alright i exaggerate! Maybe not every girl, but i suppose the idea of Mr Big makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. Hmm... wonder who my Mr Big is.. Hehe... Then there is Made of Honor. Only reason why i am catching such a soap show which i generally avoid while i am not dating is because of Patrick Dempsey. OMG, he is like the only caucasian man i like. I suppose most of you know i don't like dating Ang Mor men. But i lied. If a Patrick Dempsey look-a-like wanted to date me, hell YES! i would date him. Hee... I haven't caught Ironman yet as well. But not too hyped up about the show. So that's fine! Oh yeah, Kung Fu Panda as well. No bloody clue what the show is about, but its a cartoon. And every grown up should watch cartoons. Keeps us sharp and in touch with the child within us. And i love the short advert at the start of the movie if you go to GV where he says, i'm watching you...
Alright, that pretty much sums up the list of shows i would probably want to catch. Any takers?
After the movie, i came home, and as usual, the people in my estate all come home really early and there was not a parking lot in sight. But as usual, i have quite a bit of luck with parking lots. And after rounding the estate for 15 minutes, there was a lot just at my blk. And i met this guy who was also eyeing the lot. And he said, wah, you very lucky ar? Last night you also managed to get a lot, then tonight as well. =) What can i say, my guardian angel has been working overtime lately. Hehe...
I guess that probably sums up the lazy day yesterday! Why am i so free to blog when i should be doing work.. Eh.. just procrastinating. Ok, back to the grind, will update more tonight! =)
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Cycling with ENR
This was probably the only thing that got saw me through the otherwise horrible plus boring day! Went into office, tried to log on to email, but didn't work. So i had to call IT dept to ask, then when the guy walked over, it suddenly worked. He must have thought i was an idiot. Sigh! Then network was damn slow in office, take forever to load. Tried to download msn into the laptop, after half hour still not done. And it took less then 10 minutes at home. Anyway, i kept telling myself tonight can go riding, so not so bad. Rushed home after that, took off makeup and headed for ENR. But traffic wasn't helpful. So was probably the last one to reach. Heard someone ask me hurry up. =(
Anyway, other then the less then perfect day, the ride was good. Average speed was actually 28.5km. Which means last week to this week got slight slight improvement. But it's good enough for me. I'm happy! Hee.. And i was watching my meter, only drop below 28 once and for less then a minute before i picked up again. So i'm really glad. It seems the cycling part is improving. Slowly but surely i will get to 30km/hr and beyond.
Then went for a short run with some of the ENR people. Must be those training for duathlon. I thought all running, coz the guy ask me put on my shoes and run. Actually, i was very hesitant to run, coz my quads still hurt. But tot since everyone running, then just join in lor. Wah lao eh.. see only like 6 people running. And at least 15 people turned up at ENR tonight. Hmmm.... thought go for slow slow run, but two of them were waiting, so had to up the pace. But damn tired... Anyway, one of the guys ran with me, then kept encouraging me. I'm forever super impress with people who can talk and run. For the life of me, even when i was at my fittest, i couldn't do that. I remember coach telling me once that was probably the only time they hear me shut up. Hee... So after run, shower and dinner.
Everyone had left for the dinner place already, so only me and Xiao Ying left, so we sit by ourselves, had dinner and chit chat. Until the foodstore uncle ask me why i eat so slow, coz he wants to clear the plate.. Hehe..
All in all, great workout.
Race updates:
Doing trifam sprint this Sunday 750m swim, 18km bike, 5km run.
Should be a good experience for me since i never do all 3 before. Never even do any training where i swim finish then straight off to bike. Need some getting use to. After swimming i generally like a nice shower. Hee..
Doing Sundown Marathon, 31st May. Start at midnight. As the name suggests, its run forest, run. 42km run. Took over from a swimming kaki coz he will not be in Singapore. If there was any honest mistake, this has got to be it. =P
Then 1 week later, Saab City Duathlon. 8 June. 10km run, 40km bike and 5km run. I think. Not sure. Signed up but for get what it is. Anyway, just go there have fun and see if i like it. =)
Then after that, no clear direction. Might be tempted to do Port Dickson, then eh.. OSIM? But like reviews for OSIM quite bad. So not sure yet. Alright. Zzzz monster is calling my name.. getting louder.. Nitez!
Anyway, other then the less then perfect day, the ride was good. Average speed was actually 28.5km. Which means last week to this week got slight slight improvement. But it's good enough for me. I'm happy! Hee.. And i was watching my meter, only drop below 28 once and for less then a minute before i picked up again. So i'm really glad. It seems the cycling part is improving. Slowly but surely i will get to 30km/hr and beyond.
Then went for a short run with some of the ENR people. Must be those training for duathlon. I thought all running, coz the guy ask me put on my shoes and run. Actually, i was very hesitant to run, coz my quads still hurt. But tot since everyone running, then just join in lor. Wah lao eh.. see only like 6 people running. And at least 15 people turned up at ENR tonight. Hmmm.... thought go for slow slow run, but two of them were waiting, so had to up the pace. But damn tired... Anyway, one of the guys ran with me, then kept encouraging me. I'm forever super impress with people who can talk and run. For the life of me, even when i was at my fittest, i couldn't do that. I remember coach telling me once that was probably the only time they hear me shut up. Hee... So after run, shower and dinner.
Everyone had left for the dinner place already, so only me and Xiao Ying left, so we sit by ourselves, had dinner and chit chat. Until the foodstore uncle ask me why i eat so slow, coz he wants to clear the plate.. Hehe..
All in all, great workout.
Race updates:
Doing trifam sprint this Sunday 750m swim, 18km bike, 5km run.
Should be a good experience for me since i never do all 3 before. Never even do any training where i swim finish then straight off to bike. Need some getting use to. After swimming i generally like a nice shower. Hee..
Doing Sundown Marathon, 31st May. Start at midnight. As the name suggests, its run forest, run. 42km run. Took over from a swimming kaki coz he will not be in Singapore. If there was any honest mistake, this has got to be it. =P
Then 1 week later, Saab City Duathlon. 8 June. 10km run, 40km bike and 5km run. I think. Not sure. Signed up but for get what it is. Anyway, just go there have fun and see if i like it. =)
Then after that, no clear direction. Might be tempted to do Port Dickson, then eh.. OSIM? But like reviews for OSIM quite bad. So not sure yet. Alright. Zzzz monster is calling my name.. getting louder.. Nitez!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The weekend and Monday
It was a pretty decent weekend for me. Other then the really creepy dream, and the fact that i didn't ride over the weekend although i really really wanted to, but each time i woke up, it was raining, so i went back to bed only to realize that the sun came out after that. And since i missed biking on both days, i felt a little horrid initially. But it was all made up over the weekend with karaoke with Jaja. =) My no 1 darling! hehe. And after that, feeling guilty coz i didn't do anything over the whole weekend, i went for a long slow run. Did 20km in 2hrs 20min. Not too bad a time for my first slow long run in 6 weeks. Aching like mad still.
So basically, Sat woke up to a phone call from a friend who wants to give up his Sundown slot. So, now i will be taking part in the Sundown Marathon which i totally have not been training for. It is times like this where i wished i had spent more time running although i had no races to prepare for. Went for lunch with dad, then came home, went for coffee with a friend, before heading to meet Serene to try out the jie mei dress for her wedding and have coffee once again, and then Mother's Day dinner at Peach Garden. Came home intending to have an early nite, but the same person i went our for coffee in the afternoon asked to meet again, and after reading the very lengthy email he sent me, i decided maybe it was wise to meet up and have a face to face talk. So went out again, met him, talked to him and then it was home sweet home.
Sunday, woke up, went for breaky with the folks before walking aimlessly around the house for the longest of time, deciding whether i wanted to go swimming. Then Jaja msned and asked if wanted to go singing. Haven't sang for super long. So met up with her, went singing. Dion smsed to ask if wanted to run 15km. But already crooning away, so had to give it a miss. Came home, felt really bad and went for my own run instead. Eh.. more like jog lah. Average pace was 7min/km. Stretched really long, downed 2 100plus, and some noodles and it was off to bed.
Monday, woke up early, went for a short short jog, 3km only. Basically to stretch before and after more then to run. But it was amazing. I woke at like 6.20, had a light breaky, headed stretched for like half hour, before running for 20mins and stretching for another 25mins. Showered, then went for serious breaky. Felt hungry non stop today. After breaky, rushed to office for meeting. Was 5 minutes late actually, but as with all meetings, the last person to turn up was 45mins late. So i guess i was early. haha. The conclusion is my manager can repeat the same thing 100 times and never get bored. Either that or he only has that much to say, so, he just keeps repeating the same things. Meeting was supposed to end at 5pm, but he went on and on and on and on. Ok, you get the idea. Was thinking maybe today cannot swim liaoz. But he finished short of 6pm. Rushed home, took off makeup, changed, grabbed swim gear and it was off for swimming. Really glad i swam today. Felt so good after the swim. Was aching and hurting, but it's good pain. Please don't ask me what is good pain and bad pain. Go experience it for yourself. =P After swim, was actually feeling super duper hungry, as with the rest of the day, had a full plate of rice, which is something i hardly ever do. Chat for a while and now, i'm lying in bed, typing out this nonsense and about to say good nite to you! Nitez
So basically, Sat woke up to a phone call from a friend who wants to give up his Sundown slot. So, now i will be taking part in the Sundown Marathon which i totally have not been training for. It is times like this where i wished i had spent more time running although i had no races to prepare for. Went for lunch with dad, then came home, went for coffee with a friend, before heading to meet Serene to try out the jie mei dress for her wedding and have coffee once again, and then Mother's Day dinner at Peach Garden. Came home intending to have an early nite, but the same person i went our for coffee in the afternoon asked to meet again, and after reading the very lengthy email he sent me, i decided maybe it was wise to meet up and have a face to face talk. So went out again, met him, talked to him and then it was home sweet home.
Sunday, woke up, went for breaky with the folks before walking aimlessly around the house for the longest of time, deciding whether i wanted to go swimming. Then Jaja msned and asked if wanted to go singing. Haven't sang for super long. So met up with her, went singing. Dion smsed to ask if wanted to run 15km. But already crooning away, so had to give it a miss. Came home, felt really bad and went for my own run instead. Eh.. more like jog lah. Average pace was 7min/km. Stretched really long, downed 2 100plus, and some noodles and it was off to bed.
Monday, woke up early, went for a short short jog, 3km only. Basically to stretch before and after more then to run. But it was amazing. I woke at like 6.20, had a light breaky, headed stretched for like half hour, before running for 20mins and stretching for another 25mins. Showered, then went for serious breaky. Felt hungry non stop today. After breaky, rushed to office for meeting. Was 5 minutes late actually, but as with all meetings, the last person to turn up was 45mins late. So i guess i was early. haha. The conclusion is my manager can repeat the same thing 100 times and never get bored. Either that or he only has that much to say, so, he just keeps repeating the same things. Meeting was supposed to end at 5pm, but he went on and on and on and on. Ok, you get the idea. Was thinking maybe today cannot swim liaoz. But he finished short of 6pm. Rushed home, took off makeup, changed, grabbed swim gear and it was off for swimming. Really glad i swam today. Felt so good after the swim. Was aching and hurting, but it's good pain. Please don't ask me what is good pain and bad pain. Go experience it for yourself. =P After swim, was actually feeling super duper hungry, as with the rest of the day, had a full plate of rice, which is something i hardly ever do. Chat for a while and now, i'm lying in bed, typing out this nonsense and about to say good nite to you! Nitez
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Recurring dream
I've been having this same recurring dream for the last couple of weeks. Its super weird and but i can't seem to get it out of my mind. And the weird part is i seldom dream, but to keep having the same dream over and over again is indeed irritating. Sighz
In the dream, i killed someone. Somehow, the dream evolves on it's own. And in the earlier weeks, i only killed someone and hid the body. Last night, i didn't dream of killing the person. In my dream, i already knew i had killed someone. In the dream, i was thinking of ways to dispose of the body. The really weird thing is, although there is a body in front of me, i cannot tell who that person is. It almost seems like this person has no face and therefore i cannot identify the person. So, i kill someone, and i don't know who i killed. And it's also weird coz i've been having the dream for 3 weeks now, and i remember saying to myself in the dream that i had better dispose of the body before i get found out.
In the last 3 weeks, the body was hidden in this carton box. So, last night in my dream, i was actually going through the options of how best to deal with the body. Whether i wanted to dig a hole and bury it, whether i wanted to burn the body, chop it up into manageable pieces or grind it to dust. Alright, i suppose some of my suggestions sounds silly. But it's a dream =) And in the dream, i seem to think it queer that no one has come forward to put out a missing report on this person just yet. So, my dream consists of a person i killed, hidden in a carton box and me thinking of ways to dispose of the body. After that point, i wake up.
When this dream started a couple weeks back, it was just me killing the person and stowing the dead corpse in a carton box in the storeroom. If u wanted to know whether i stabbed a person or how the person died, i suffocated the person. Then every day, i get to the point where i tell myself that i will wait until the time is right before i dispose of the body. And then i wake up at this point. Last night was slightly different. I was actually pondering about my options and what i could do with the body. And i woke up after that.
The dream seemed so real and creepy that i really went to the storeroom this morning to see if the box that i packed the body away in really existed. Thankfully there was no such box. But it still is creeping me out. Maybe i should find one of those people that analyzes dreams and find out why i keep having this same dream and what it means!
In the dream, i killed someone. Somehow, the dream evolves on it's own. And in the earlier weeks, i only killed someone and hid the body. Last night, i didn't dream of killing the person. In my dream, i already knew i had killed someone. In the dream, i was thinking of ways to dispose of the body. The really weird thing is, although there is a body in front of me, i cannot tell who that person is. It almost seems like this person has no face and therefore i cannot identify the person. So, i kill someone, and i don't know who i killed. And it's also weird coz i've been having the dream for 3 weeks now, and i remember saying to myself in the dream that i had better dispose of the body before i get found out.
In the last 3 weeks, the body was hidden in this carton box. So, last night in my dream, i was actually going through the options of how best to deal with the body. Whether i wanted to dig a hole and bury it, whether i wanted to burn the body, chop it up into manageable pieces or grind it to dust. Alright, i suppose some of my suggestions sounds silly. But it's a dream =) And in the dream, i seem to think it queer that no one has come forward to put out a missing report on this person just yet. So, my dream consists of a person i killed, hidden in a carton box and me thinking of ways to dispose of the body. After that point, i wake up.
When this dream started a couple weeks back, it was just me killing the person and stowing the dead corpse in a carton box in the storeroom. If u wanted to know whether i stabbed a person or how the person died, i suffocated the person. Then every day, i get to the point where i tell myself that i will wait until the time is right before i dispose of the body. And then i wake up at this point. Last night was slightly different. I was actually pondering about my options and what i could do with the body. And i woke up after that.
The dream seemed so real and creepy that i really went to the storeroom this morning to see if the box that i packed the body away in really existed. Thankfully there was no such box. But it still is creeping me out. Maybe i should find one of those people that analyzes dreams and find out why i keep having this same dream and what it means!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I'm pretty certain i'm CRAZY
Ha... Someone just gave up his Sundown Marathon slot to me. Nothing wrong with that except it is 3 weeks away and i have not even picked up my running shoes except for the occassional 8km runs. So basically, in the last one month, the longest run i've done is 8km. I am so going to die running!
Got to really start running manz. And i'm quite certain i won't be able to finish the full distance but will run as much as i can and walk the rest. But still, i think it is sheer madness!
Kinda funny, like see the swimming group do then thought maybe want to do. But since was too late to register, then can forget it. Then someone wants to give up their slot and i'm tempted. Mixed feelings really! =(
Anyway, i went out with some of the Monday swim group people for drinks on Thursday. And Friday flew by in a flurry. There was no intention to run today, but now, haha.,... I guess i just have to.
Alright, now that i've officially certified myself crazy, i will go put on my running shoes and run. The only flipside to this is probably no stress for this race and so i get to enjoy it a lot a lot more! =)
Us after Dinner on Thursday
From Left to Right: Charlene, Me, Teryn, Xiao Ying, Gary
Green cap guy is Lloyd, hiding behind =)
Got to really start running manz. And i'm quite certain i won't be able to finish the full distance but will run as much as i can and walk the rest. But still, i think it is sheer madness!
Kinda funny, like see the swimming group do then thought maybe want to do. But since was too late to register, then can forget it. Then someone wants to give up their slot and i'm tempted. Mixed feelings really! =(
Anyway, i went out with some of the Monday swim group people for drinks on Thursday. And Friday flew by in a flurry. There was no intention to run today, but now, haha.,... I guess i just have to.
Alright, now that i've officially certified myself crazy, i will go put on my running shoes and run. The only flipside to this is probably no stress for this race and so i get to enjoy it a lot a lot more! =)
Us after Dinner on ThursdayFrom Left to Right: Charlene, Me, Teryn, Xiao Ying, Gary
Green cap guy is Lloyd, hiding behind =)
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
My day
Woke up to ride with Dawn riders. They were really nice, dropped their pace to accomodate me. Ave speed was about 28km/hr. Then came back, showered, went to Turf Club. So cute, Alvin was telling me that i sure very long life one. Just before i appeared, Dr Yeoh, John, him and Sonny were talking about me. Classic case of speak of the devil =P Can u see my devil horns sticking out?
Went to the Hospice to meet the people who were supposed to pick up granduncle's body, then went to police post to settle his death cert and to surrender ic. Then went for breakfast, pop by office before coming home to take a short nap. Went for appointment, then went to the crematorium, and finally dinner with the family!
Was quite a quiet and more a family affair at the crematorium then anything else. Although a couple of granduncle's friends and neighbors turned up for the cremation. But mostly family. I must be growing old. I have 8 neices and nephews till date. Love the children. They're all so adorable especially Si Hui and Bryan. =) Ok i admit. I shouldn't have favorites among the children, but i really can't help it. Si Hui and Bryan are just so so so so cute. And Si Hui really knows how to tug on your heartstrings. Is it too obvious when i gave each of the children 2 packets of biscuits and gave the balance to Bryan and Si Hui evenly? Hee.. A bit too obvious rite? Will try harder next time.
Went to the Hospice to meet the people who were supposed to pick up granduncle's body, then went to police post to settle his death cert and to surrender ic. Then went for breakfast, pop by office before coming home to take a short nap. Went for appointment, then went to the crematorium, and finally dinner with the family!
Was quite a quiet and more a family affair at the crematorium then anything else. Although a couple of granduncle's friends and neighbors turned up for the cremation. But mostly family. I must be growing old. I have 8 neices and nephews till date. Love the children. They're all so adorable especially Si Hui and Bryan. =) Ok i admit. I shouldn't have favorites among the children, but i really can't help it. Si Hui and Bryan are just so so so so cute. And Si Hui really knows how to tug on your heartstrings. Is it too obvious when i gave each of the children 2 packets of biscuits and gave the balance to Bryan and Si Hui evenly? Hee.. A bit too obvious rite? Will try harder next time.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Rest in peace second granduncle
Despite my optimism and faith that he would pull through, somehow, i suppose it was his time to leave. He has led a full life and not many people can claim to have lived to see their 92nd birthday. The doctors had already told us that he had only hours to live and had stopped feeding him since my birthday. Which was about 6 days back. And it was amazing that granduncle held on for 6 days with no food. Of course, he never woke during this time to say anything to us. I wasn't sure whether he understood anything we said to him but we talked to him constantly, hoping that he would wake.
So today, at 4.18pm, he passed away peacefully i would hope. I remember telling him, granduncle, don't worry, we'll settle all that needs to be settled, just go in peace. I guess one of the things he was worried about was that he had no wife, no children and all he really had was us. From the first day he was admitted to hospital last year, he already was prepared that he would not live. And when he stepped into the halls of Dover Park Hospice, he knew he would never step back out! And that was pretty sad for me, coz somehow, when he went in, he was still strong. I remember him being insistent about moving back home and staying on his own. But somehow, the rest of us were not so sure. Who would take care of him when he is ill? Who would know if something happens to him? Plus, his one bedroom place was so small and cramp, and we would all feel better if he was in the care of someone. And so after a lot of convincing, he moved into the hospice.
Each day at the hospice, i saw his condition get worse. I cannot decide now whether it's the environment that he was in. Living among the almost dying that made him stop fighting. But i suppose, all i can say is that it was his time to leave. That he had led a full life in this world. He has seen many things happen and great changes in his time here. He was truly a fighter in every sense of the word, being born in 1916, living through the japanese occupation, seeing Singapore becoming independent, the racial riots etc.
I spent the rest of the afternoon after seeing him for one last time, sourcing for a funeral home, trying to settle the cremation details. It seemed like no one was eager to do so. I suppose everyone was grieving in their own way. Ang mor uncle cried. And he's 70ish. Auntie Linda was there, Uncle Tommy's wife and daughter Connie, myself, dad, and granduncle's younger brother who is 88.
Third granduncle cried just now. And really, my heart went out to him. Honestly, i was clueless as to what to do and how to go about with the planning of the funeral and cremation. But someone had to do it and since no one else volunteered, i did. I suppose it is the last thing i can do for this man that has seen each and everyone of us grow up, who never forgot our faces, our lives and would always keep himself abreast with our lives and activities even until the day he was admitted in the hospice. *Smilez. He even remembered seeing Guardian with me before and asked me only last month when we were going to be married so that he can attend my wedding. I remember telling him that it was over, and he jokingly said, that guy is too short for you =P
Well, i will miss him but i will be strong and arrange all the funeral stuff coz i promised him i would take care of everything and he should go in peace!
Rest in peace second Granduncle!
So today, at 4.18pm, he passed away peacefully i would hope. I remember telling him, granduncle, don't worry, we'll settle all that needs to be settled, just go in peace. I guess one of the things he was worried about was that he had no wife, no children and all he really had was us. From the first day he was admitted to hospital last year, he already was prepared that he would not live. And when he stepped into the halls of Dover Park Hospice, he knew he would never step back out! And that was pretty sad for me, coz somehow, when he went in, he was still strong. I remember him being insistent about moving back home and staying on his own. But somehow, the rest of us were not so sure. Who would take care of him when he is ill? Who would know if something happens to him? Plus, his one bedroom place was so small and cramp, and we would all feel better if he was in the care of someone. And so after a lot of convincing, he moved into the hospice.
Each day at the hospice, i saw his condition get worse. I cannot decide now whether it's the environment that he was in. Living among the almost dying that made him stop fighting. But i suppose, all i can say is that it was his time to leave. That he had led a full life in this world. He has seen many things happen and great changes in his time here. He was truly a fighter in every sense of the word, being born in 1916, living through the japanese occupation, seeing Singapore becoming independent, the racial riots etc.
I spent the rest of the afternoon after seeing him for one last time, sourcing for a funeral home, trying to settle the cremation details. It seemed like no one was eager to do so. I suppose everyone was grieving in their own way. Ang mor uncle cried. And he's 70ish. Auntie Linda was there, Uncle Tommy's wife and daughter Connie, myself, dad, and granduncle's younger brother who is 88.
Third granduncle cried just now. And really, my heart went out to him. Honestly, i was clueless as to what to do and how to go about with the planning of the funeral and cremation. But someone had to do it and since no one else volunteered, i did. I suppose it is the last thing i can do for this man that has seen each and everyone of us grow up, who never forgot our faces, our lives and would always keep himself abreast with our lives and activities even until the day he was admitted in the hospice. *Smilez. He even remembered seeing Guardian with me before and asked me only last month when we were going to be married so that he can attend my wedding. I remember telling him that it was over, and he jokingly said, that guy is too short for you =P
Well, i will miss him but i will be strong and arrange all the funeral stuff coz i promised him i would take care of everything and he should go in peace!
Rest in peace second Granduncle!
Happy
'I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do. " - Helen Keller
We met with difficulties everyday,
See our friends and ourselves in the fray,
All our cares keep us bogged down,
In our work we are always drowned,
Forgetting that there are always the unfortunate few,
Who need more help than just a swift adieu.
Who really need a helping hand,
Not necessarily from a known friend,
Someone, who may have held that heavy door,
Or helped pick your books up from the floor,
Helped you when you needed backing,
Perhaps when you found your confidence lacking,
To help you climb that endless ladder,
If you should fall, catch you like a falling feather.
These things could make someone's day,
And although they may not keep all his problems at bay,
You would feel pleases at what you could achieve,
By just providing some off-hand relief.
It may not take up too much time, and that;s a fact,
Just a friendly smile or a pat on the back,
Would give somebody the sunshine that he lacks.
So start today and you'll soon see,
You would make everyone feel the way they should be,
HAPPY! =)
We met with difficulties everyday,
See our friends and ourselves in the fray,
All our cares keep us bogged down,
In our work we are always drowned,
Forgetting that there are always the unfortunate few,
Who need more help than just a swift adieu.
Who really need a helping hand,
Not necessarily from a known friend,
Someone, who may have held that heavy door,
Or helped pick your books up from the floor,
Helped you when you needed backing,
Perhaps when you found your confidence lacking,
To help you climb that endless ladder,
If you should fall, catch you like a falling feather.
These things could make someone's day,
And although they may not keep all his problems at bay,
You would feel pleases at what you could achieve,
By just providing some off-hand relief.
It may not take up too much time, and that;s a fact,
Just a friendly smile or a pat on the back,
Would give somebody the sunshine that he lacks.
So start today and you'll soon see,
You would make everyone feel the way they should be,
HAPPY! =)
Run then swim
Stretched like 20minutes before heading out for my run. Easy 5km, just praying each step that my calves would not scream. And true enough, good job, done. 6.15min/km. Didn't want to push too hard, coz of late, dunno when my calves will act up. And when i started running, actually felt a little pain at the knee. But i don't think i've ever been this determined to run. Hee.. And i felt good. Finish the run, changed and headed off to swim.
In fact, i think i had a pretty good workout today. The drills that we did before the swim really helps. Now all i really need to do is to find a way to maintain the same pace all the way. I have realised that the max i can keep my speed is 150m. After that i am done.. But all in all, i'm rather pleased. After the run, my calves did hurt for a while, but the swim took the pain away. Frankly, i'm pretty surprised. But, definitely not complaining. More then happy for the pain to go away. Will run again tomorrow and see how everything goes. Must remember to stretch before and after running. Sometimes lazy then never stretch before. Hee...
Eh, my ipod crashed on me during the run today. I so need to get another nano. But kinda sad. Coz this was a present from a friend. Sighz...
All in all a pretty good day. Kena stirred by some of the swimming guys to do the Sundown Marathon. Was actually pretty tempted to. Although not in any shape to do the marathon. But think it should be fun. Anyway, 1 week after the marathon is the duathlon. So was thinking not very wise. But still very tempted. =) So confusing. In the end, the decision was taken out of my hands coz when i went to the website, the last day for registration was on the 2nd of May. I'm not sure if i'm a little disappointed or relieved. Hee... =) Oh well, gg to bed now. Run Run Run...
In fact, i think i had a pretty good workout today. The drills that we did before the swim really helps. Now all i really need to do is to find a way to maintain the same pace all the way. I have realised that the max i can keep my speed is 150m. After that i am done.. But all in all, i'm rather pleased. After the run, my calves did hurt for a while, but the swim took the pain away. Frankly, i'm pretty surprised. But, definitely not complaining. More then happy for the pain to go away. Will run again tomorrow and see how everything goes. Must remember to stretch before and after running. Sometimes lazy then never stretch before. Hee...
Eh, my ipod crashed on me during the run today. I so need to get another nano. But kinda sad. Coz this was a present from a friend. Sighz...
All in all a pretty good day. Kena stirred by some of the swimming guys to do the Sundown Marathon. Was actually pretty tempted to. Although not in any shape to do the marathon. But think it should be fun. Anyway, 1 week after the marathon is the duathlon. So was thinking not very wise. But still very tempted. =) So confusing. In the end, the decision was taken out of my hands coz when i went to the website, the last day for registration was on the 2nd of May. I'm not sure if i'm a little disappointed or relieved. Hee... =) Oh well, gg to bed now. Run Run Run...
Monday, May 05, 2008
Brand new start to the week
It's another week starting Monday! Woke up early to run, hoping i'll be able to fit in a long run after last night's horrid run session where i started to feel a horrid pull at my calf muscles after 3km. OMG, if this keeps up, i cannot imagine how the duathlon which i signed up on impulse will go. *sighz
Anyway, ran slow and steady, at about 7min/km. I know i was probably crawling. But i did my best to stretch the run for as long as i could. Didn't work out too well. At 5km, my calves were screaming and moaning. I knew i had to stop. =( This is getting rather disappointing. But have decided if i cannot do long runs, then i suppose doing 2 sessions a day, accumulated, i would still be doing the mileage i need to do. Although i know i'm probably cheating on this, but better then nothing.
Just came back after lunch appointment. Didn't go too well. But i suppose that's my fault too. Didn't do enough background work on this guy, plus i think i gave a pretty lousy presentation. Anyways, always good to have more practice so that when opportunity comes knocking, i'm all ready! =)
Anyway, ran slow and steady, at about 7min/km. I know i was probably crawling. But i did my best to stretch the run for as long as i could. Didn't work out too well. At 5km, my calves were screaming and moaning. I knew i had to stop. =( This is getting rather disappointing. But have decided if i cannot do long runs, then i suppose doing 2 sessions a day, accumulated, i would still be doing the mileage i need to do. Although i know i'm probably cheating on this, but better then nothing.
Just came back after lunch appointment. Didn't go too well. But i suppose that's my fault too. Didn't do enough background work on this guy, plus i think i gave a pretty lousy presentation. Anyways, always good to have more practice so that when opportunity comes knocking, i'm all ready! =)
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Sunday morning ride
Took a ride this morning with Teryn finally! After the numerous times we'd postponed on each other, we finally got to ride together. I was dead tired actually, since Joe came over to look for me last night and we chatted till early this morning. But i set 6 alarms this morning coz i really really wanted to make it happen. Funny thing was, before the alarms went off, i was up. Considering i slept at 4, set the alarm to go off at 5.20, i was up even before that. Felt like i didn't sleep a wink but i was sure i did =)
Rode easy to West coast Mac to meet her. And we set off from there to Tuas Checkpoint. It was a rather interesting route, although i felt it was a little dangerous especially at all the roundabouts. Other then that, it was a smooth and comfortable ride. I would say it was a nice comfortable pace for me as compared to ENR rides which are crazy. It was a nice change from the chionging and trying to keep up with others. Met many riders along the way and especially as we were near West Coast Macs. Many people apparently ride on weekends! HA...
Eh.. Went to makan at Cheese Prata Shop after that before tackling the NUS slope and heading home via commonthwealth road. Total distance covered: 54km.
Home to West Coast macs: 7.5km
West Coast Macs to Tuas and Back: 37km
Back home: 9.5km
Came back home, cramped downstairs just as i got off the bike. Timing couldn't be more perfect. Coz not sure what i would have done if i had cramped on the bike =) Posititve thinking. Although, i probably need to figure out why i have been cramping recently. Probably not due to speed as i didn't push very hard today. Supposed to be an easy ride. So why? Hmmm... better go do some reading off the net and see if i can find out. =)
Rode easy to West coast Mac to meet her. And we set off from there to Tuas Checkpoint. It was a rather interesting route, although i felt it was a little dangerous especially at all the roundabouts. Other then that, it was a smooth and comfortable ride. I would say it was a nice comfortable pace for me as compared to ENR rides which are crazy. It was a nice change from the chionging and trying to keep up with others. Met many riders along the way and especially as we were near West Coast Macs. Many people apparently ride on weekends! HA...
Eh.. Went to makan at Cheese Prata Shop after that before tackling the NUS slope and heading home via commonthwealth road. Total distance covered: 54km.
Home to West Coast macs: 7.5km
West Coast Macs to Tuas and Back: 37km
Back home: 9.5km
Came back home, cramped downstairs just as i got off the bike. Timing couldn't be more perfect. Coz not sure what i would have done if i had cramped on the bike =) Posititve thinking. Although, i probably need to figure out why i have been cramping recently. Probably not due to speed as i didn't push very hard today. Supposed to be an easy ride. So why? Hmmm... better go do some reading off the net and see if i can find out. =)
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Happy Birthday Granduncle
Nope, my granduncle does not read my blog! But he celebrated his birthday yesterday considering it's past midnite now. His birthday is on the 2 of May. Every year, our birthdays are just 2 days apart, but the age gap that we have is huge. While i just turned 28, granduncle turned 92 yesterday! So he's more then half a century older then me.
But what made granduncle's birthday so unique and special this year was coz no one shared my optimism that he would live to turn 92. He has been in the hospice since 4 April this year. And on my birthday, the doctors called to say he had fits and gave him 24 hrs to live. On Labour day, the whole family gathered at the hospice to see him and spend some time with him. But i was certain that he would not give up. And i was right! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!
I spent a lot more time with granduncle when i was a kid. Less after i grew up. It was all pretty complicated. My grandmother is adopted. So granduncle is her brother through adoption. And through adoption, grandma had 5 siblings. There was only 1 that we were quite close to, auntie Margaret who passed away about 10 years ago. And that was when the whole family in Singapore stopped hanging out and spending time together. Auntie Margaret was a wonderful woman who always opened up her house for us to hang out at and for the kids to get together to play. Every year, i would look forward to visiting her on Chinese New Year as i get to see all my cousins and family from Singapore. But after she passed away, no one bothered to hold celebrations or get the family together any more. You could say she was the pillar that held the family together.
Then, when granduncle went to hospital, it was the first time that the whole family met up after Auntie Margaret passed away. And while granduncle struggled to live, he pulled everyone closer together! There were calls from cousins to aunties to uncles. Calls between brothers who never speak to each other. It's funny how this 1 man, who never ever got married, who never had children, managed to bring the whole family back together. Although it probably would have been better if everyone had gathered under different circumstances, there was no denying that the tumor in granduncle's head made everyone in the family realise that we've probably only got each other. And the petty fights that the older generation had and the grudges that have been kept for so long were all pointless when one was facing death in the face. And i suppose that's what being a family means =)
Time really flies. And it has only been a couple of months since granduncle was first admitted to the hospital. And today, when i saw him, he was not even awake enough for me to wish him Happy birthday personally. He was asleep the whole time i was there. I tried talking to him, but he never woke. Which is weird coz granduncle is the most chatty man i've known. And he has a great memory. But today, i saw him lying in bed, and realised just how much he has aged. And just how fast the tumor was eating him alive.
Granduncle probably won't last many more days as they have stopped feeding him. But i guess there is a silver lining to every cloud. And it was through this adversity that brought the whole family together again and started talking with each other.
Happy Birthday to you Granduncle! And thanks for drawing everyone back together =)
But what made granduncle's birthday so unique and special this year was coz no one shared my optimism that he would live to turn 92. He has been in the hospice since 4 April this year. And on my birthday, the doctors called to say he had fits and gave him 24 hrs to live. On Labour day, the whole family gathered at the hospice to see him and spend some time with him. But i was certain that he would not give up. And i was right! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!
I spent a lot more time with granduncle when i was a kid. Less after i grew up. It was all pretty complicated. My grandmother is adopted. So granduncle is her brother through adoption. And through adoption, grandma had 5 siblings. There was only 1 that we were quite close to, auntie Margaret who passed away about 10 years ago. And that was when the whole family in Singapore stopped hanging out and spending time together. Auntie Margaret was a wonderful woman who always opened up her house for us to hang out at and for the kids to get together to play. Every year, i would look forward to visiting her on Chinese New Year as i get to see all my cousins and family from Singapore. But after she passed away, no one bothered to hold celebrations or get the family together any more. You could say she was the pillar that held the family together.
Then, when granduncle went to hospital, it was the first time that the whole family met up after Auntie Margaret passed away. And while granduncle struggled to live, he pulled everyone closer together! There were calls from cousins to aunties to uncles. Calls between brothers who never speak to each other. It's funny how this 1 man, who never ever got married, who never had children, managed to bring the whole family back together. Although it probably would have been better if everyone had gathered under different circumstances, there was no denying that the tumor in granduncle's head made everyone in the family realise that we've probably only got each other. And the petty fights that the older generation had and the grudges that have been kept for so long were all pointless when one was facing death in the face. And i suppose that's what being a family means =)
Time really flies. And it has only been a couple of months since granduncle was first admitted to the hospital. And today, when i saw him, he was not even awake enough for me to wish him Happy birthday personally. He was asleep the whole time i was there. I tried talking to him, but he never woke. Which is weird coz granduncle is the most chatty man i've known. And he has a great memory. But today, i saw him lying in bed, and realised just how much he has aged. And just how fast the tumor was eating him alive.
Granduncle probably won't last many more days as they have stopped feeding him. But i guess there is a silver lining to every cloud. And it was through this adversity that brought the whole family together again and started talking with each other.
Happy Birthday to you Granduncle! And thanks for drawing everyone back together =)
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Happy Labour Day
Didn't manage to blog about how my birthday went coz basically i came back home at 6.30am this morning, took a shower, didn't even wait for hair to dry, before going to sleep. Was pretty tired actually! So how did my birthday go?
Went for lunch with Alvin. Headed to Raffles Marina for lunch and a slice of cake. I think he didn't even know it was my birthday. And i didn't see the need to enlighten him until after lunch. He was pretty shocked. Then ask me not to tell people that the cake is bought by him. Hee...
My Oreo Birthday Slice.
Anyway, after that, spent the rest of the day running errands before heading to meet friends for dinner. There, i had my first birthday cake of the year! There was a group picture, but the guy who was helping us take, didn't get it. And i didn't realize it until much later in the night. So no pictures for that. But here was the really nice birthday cake that i didn't get to eat. Notice that the cake is quite small? And to be able to cut 17 slices out of it already took a huge miracle on my part. Plus i'm quite hopeless at cutting cakes. Anyway, i actually was pretty close. Did 16 slices. So i skipped eating the cake. =( But still, was glad for the first and only cake i cut for my birthday this year!
Cake from Crystal Jade
Headed to Dragonfly soon after that. There was Me, Maurice, Pic, Esther, Wen Biao, Lindy, Mich, Jeannie, Donald, Ken, Stephen and Linda. 2 different groups of people and this year round, didn't even bother to sit together. So i just moved around a little, hanging out with both groups. Other then the fact that there was a huge crowd, the place was jam packed, and my first drink didn't come for close to an hour, the rest of the night was pretty enjoyable. Although i failed miserably in my mission to get myself drunk, i had a rather good time.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who smsed me, called me, wrote me emails, notes, sent me greeting cards and basically those that remembered my birthday! It feels good to know that you remembered! Especially to the group of people that called just before midnight and passed the phone around, i'm still trying to figure out who the last guy was. There was Hui Yan, Eldhi, Louise, Pete, Tracey, and who was the other guy? Hmmm... Anyway, thanks everyone. And here are some pics of the night!
So that's basically how my 28th Birthday went! =)
Went for lunch with Alvin. Headed to Raffles Marina for lunch and a slice of cake. I think he didn't even know it was my birthday. And i didn't see the need to enlighten him until after lunch. He was pretty shocked. Then ask me not to tell people that the cake is bought by him. Hee...
My Oreo Birthday Slice. Anyway, after that, spent the rest of the day running errands before heading to meet friends for dinner. There, i had my first birthday cake of the year! There was a group picture, but the guy who was helping us take, didn't get it. And i didn't realize it until much later in the night. So no pictures for that. But here was the really nice birthday cake that i didn't get to eat. Notice that the cake is quite small? And to be able to cut 17 slices out of it already took a huge miracle on my part. Plus i'm quite hopeless at cutting cakes. Anyway, i actually was pretty close. Did 16 slices. So i skipped eating the cake. =( But still, was glad for the first and only cake i cut for my birthday this year!
Cake from Crystal JadeHeaded to Dragonfly soon after that. There was Me, Maurice, Pic, Esther, Wen Biao, Lindy, Mich, Jeannie, Donald, Ken, Stephen and Linda. 2 different groups of people and this year round, didn't even bother to sit together. So i just moved around a little, hanging out with both groups. Other then the fact that there was a huge crowd, the place was jam packed, and my first drink didn't come for close to an hour, the rest of the night was pretty enjoyable. Although i failed miserably in my mission to get myself drunk, i had a rather good time.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who smsed me, called me, wrote me emails, notes, sent me greeting cards and basically those that remembered my birthday! It feels good to know that you remembered! Especially to the group of people that called just before midnight and passed the phone around, i'm still trying to figure out who the last guy was. There was Hui Yan, Eldhi, Louise, Pete, Tracey, and who was the other guy? Hmmm... Anyway, thanks everyone. And here are some pics of the night!
So that's basically how my 28th Birthday went! =)
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