Monday, July 28, 2008

Back and in need of a holiday

Just came back from Perth last night. Wasn't really in a mood to blog at all so decided to skip blogging till i was a little more certain about how i felt.
Left on Tuesday, back on Saturday. And in need of a holiday.
It was a a sweet-bitter holiday for me. I guess to start off with, the whole planning of the trip wasn't really very smooth. Hiccups here and there and last minute tickets should have been a clear indication that going away was probably wrong. Come to think of it, i've never had a smooth holiday with any one that i dated before. Sighz. Maybe i'm just jinxed!
Packing for the trip started earlier for me rather then the usual 1 hour before setting off to the airport, and yet again, i managed to forget something. The all important contact lens solution. And that wasn't too bad. Figured i could buy it before meeting Darling at the bus stop. But the optical shop at my place was closed and so had to settle for trying my luck at the airport or when i got to Perth. Honestly, i was pretty excited. It was our first trip away together. And i've always wanted to take the plane with my boyfriend and go away on a holiday together. So i took quite a bit of pictures along the way, cam whoring and making him cam whore with me. Finally reached Perth, too late to buy contact lens solution. Decided to hit the sack instead.
The following morning, wanted to go to the sale site to take a look at some of the horses that Darling was interested in buying during the auction. But they said that the horses weren't ready. So instead, we went to the same place, but to watch their horse racing. Saw a gift shop there and bought a really cute soft toy for Darling. I figured buying him a horse soft toy was as close as i was going to get to buying him any present coz presents would be hard to explain when he brings them home. But the soft toy was just so adorable and he seemed to like it. Anyway, after we left their turf club, we headed back to the hotel for lunch and subsequently Darling and i headed to their shopping area to try to find a chemist to buy my contact lens solution.
We shopped around for a bit. But it wasn't a totally happy experience i guess. Darling wanted to pay for my shopping, but i decline. And paid for the stuff myself. He was upset about it. I suppose i could have relented and let him pay. But i guess i wasn't too comfortable about it. Then while we were playing with their scratch and win cards, i thought i had won on one of the cards. But in actual fact, i made a mistake and it was actually his card. So when i asked him about it, he took out the money from his wallet, then i realized my mistake, passed him back the money and for a moment, he lost his cool and was pissed off. It was time to go home anyway, and i figured i would make it back up to him when we got back to the hotel. =(
The cab wait back to the hotel lasted almost 2 hrs and it was a cold and long wait. We played cards while waiting for the cab and finally, after the really long stretch of waiting, we were back in our hotel. Showered and changed before heading over to the casino. Didn't stay too late the first night although definitely way past his bed time.
The next day, we woke up late due to the fact that we were up late. So only managed to squeeze in breakfast before heading to the auction site to view the horses. I wouldn't say Darling was upset or anything. Just that maybe that's him when he's working. He gets uptight and cannot multi-task. Forget about any niceties, or all that sweet talk or love talk. It was work work work. I was cool about it. Figured that he was also stressed out and would probably get better when the auction was over and things were settled. So i tried to make myself useful by helping him take pictures of the horses, by helping him find the horses that he was looking for and letting him know where they were. Finished taking pictures, we headed back to hotel to upload the pictures to send them to this owners. Helped him as much as i could with that as well, before off we went back to the auction site for the auction. Auction didn't go as well as he would have liked i suppose. Coz he didn't seem very happy even after the auction. =(
Went back to hotel after auction, had dinner and we were once again back to the casino. I guess there wasn't really much to do late at night. Slept late once again.
The following morning, we were up late again, and this time, he needed to arrange for the horses to be broken-in before arriving in Singapore. So off we went to the sale site again, and took pictures of the horses, settled logistics stuff and finally, when we returned back to hotel, it was 2ish already. I was looking forward to him bringing me out and about to see the town area. But he suggested going to the casino and i figured maybe he wanted to gamble. I wanted to make out, but he said he wouldn't be able to gamble after that. So i thought, what the heck, we'll come back early and we could make the night last considering it was our last night together in Perth.
The short trip to the casino didn't end till close to 6 in the morning. So my plans were washed down the drain. I guess i could have said i wanted to leave. But i didn't. Coz he didn't seem to want to leave as well. We at least had a nice sit down dinner, just the two of us, with proper food. Only consolation of the night i suppose. Came back, fell asleep and when we woke, it was time to shower, pack up and check out.
This was probably also the turning point of the whole trip. Something happened. I have no idea what. But something happened. I initially thought it was merely because of the fact that he didn't get enough rest. And was grumpy. But somehow, it didn't quite feel that way. Somehow i felt that something changed between us that morning. It wasn't just grumpiness. It was deliberate coldness. Throughout the day, whenever i tried to kiss him, i felt like i was forcing it upon him. Whenever i tried to initiate some physical contact, i didn't feel warmth. Only coldness. It didn't help that while we were shopping for souvenirs, he wanted to buy my something but i declined. And he was once again upset. Sighz. I have no idea what to do. Do i just smile and say, yes i like that a lot when i don't like it at all, or let him buy me something that i will never ever use, and it will just be sitting at the bottom of my wardrobe just because there was a need to get a souvenir?
Anyway, the trip back on the plan was probably more a sleeping plane ride then anything else. But by the time we got back to Singapore, i already felt that i had left him in Perth and i came back alone although he was physically sitting next to me in the taxi. I tried reaching out and holding his hand, i tried reaching over and giving him a kiss. I asked him if he was happy, if things were fine. And he said they were. But i knew deep down that something was bothering him and he was lying to me. When he dropped me off and for a while when i couldn't open the boot of the taxi, i could only see pure irritation in his eyes. And that was about it. He was heading home, family was waiting for him. So i didn't have a chance to talk things out with him and asked him what was bothering him.
This morning, i woke up real early, hoping that i would be up in time for his usual morning sms. It never came. I waited till 10ish before texting him. He didn't reply. I texted again at 11. It wasn't convenient to reply. Was hoping to catch a ride with him to club. He said cannot. Asked him via sms whether things were fine between us. And he once again said they were. Said he was acting weird. And he said he didn't know how to explain things to me. So i suppose, things weren't fine. It's just that he didn't know how to put it across to me. Was it me? Did i do something wrong? Did i once again do something to irritate, piss someone off without knowing it?
I finally saw him at club. We went for a smoke, and i once again asked if things were alright between us. He said they were but he didn't want to talk about it. For a while now, i haven't felt so trapped and so alone, so scared, so unsure. When he left, i turned into the toilet and i cried. I hid in the toilet for the longest of time, waited for my eyes to look normal before heading back upstairs. Didn't dare to look up at anyone for fear of someone seeing those red eyes and wondering what happened. All i wanted to do was go home, lock myself up in my room and be alone. It was a busy day for him, so didn't see him till race 5. Things weren't and didn't feel any better then. He was still cold and distant. And i was positive that i had unknowingly done something so bad to make him feel the way he did. Or maybe he wasn't happy with me anymore.
Before he left club, he did give me a hug. It made me feel better for a while. But deep down inside, until he tells me what was bugging him, i wouldn't feel good. I wrote him some smses, but didn't send them to him. I didn't know what to do, how to do or anything. All i can say is, i am really lost. If my presence makes him unhappy, then doesn't it make sense for me to leave. I don't want him to be unhappy. I won't blame him, if he told me that he wanted to end things between us. Coz i always knew that there would be no happy ending in our relationship. But i guess i did feel blessed and happy for a while. I felt loved. Something that i haven't felt in a long while. But i also understand that it's not easy for him to do this juggling act. And that i wouldn't be surprised if he felt tired. If he felt drained. If he felt that after spending time with me, it is still her that he loves.
I have never been lucky in love. Or maybe i have. It would be lie to say that Guardian never loved me. Or Tour Guide never loved me. They did. Just like, i'm sure Darling did love me. Just maybe not enough. But what is enough? Who determines enough? What determines enough? We've barely gotten together for 3 months, but the emotions that he invoked in me today, made me realize that in such a short time, he's become someone very dear and important to me. While i am still rational, i am prepared to let him go. I am prepared to put on a really brave front, to grit my teeth and wish him happiness and all the best.

It's been a while since someone has managed to create that bitter, painful feeling in my heart. Everything today feels wrong. Seeing you unhappy and seemingly pushing me away makes it more painful. Not knowing why feels like being placed in a torture chamber. If you feel that you no longer love me, then let me know, let me hurt for a while and move on.

You told me once that if we were unhappy or there was something bothering us, that we should share with each other. it seems like you're shutting me out. I have asked u time and again since yesterday if things were fine. You said they were. But your actions tell me differently. Maybe you feel differently about me. Maybe something i did or didn't do made you upset, pissed, unhappy. But since i don't know what it is, there seems to be nothing i can do as well. And this feeling makes me feel trapped and tortured. I can only conclude that you don't need me around. And if that is the case, the i genuinely wish you all the best. I hope you'll always be happy.

This is my take of what happened. I suppose he felt bad. That his wife was being so nice and fantastic to him and yet, he was away in Perth, alone in a room with me. Whether he felt anything for me or not didn't matter. Or maybe he did feel something. But that something that he feels for me cannot outweigh what he feels for his wife. I feel that i'm making things difficult for him just being around. It would be much better if i left or walked away. coz end of the day, he'll just hurt a littleat the start. Better then being tormented for the rest of his life.

Those were the sms that never left for the outbox. I know there is no basis for comparison. I knew right from day one, what i was signing up for. I will never blame anyone for the choices that i made. For the path that i chose to walk down. I am glad for his company however brief. I am now tired and need to sleep. But i am also emotionally drained and i know i just need one last ounce of bravery. I so want to be loved. I so want to fall asleep in the arms of my loved one and for him to tell me that all will be fine and that he'll always be around for me. End of the day, i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking to be loved.

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