Sunday, July 06, 2008

Thoughts and feelings

It's amazing how when two people spend some time together, they tend to tune in to the same frequency at some point or other.
My lazy weekend saw me meeting up with my Darling for a short while. But i think it was a good meet up as there were issues at the back of both our minds. I'm not sure if it was the email story i sent him that got him to start thinking. But this issue had clearly been on my mind for a while now. Our relationship started out with us being friends. But even as friends, we didn't really get to know each other in depth or for a relatively long time before we plunged head in into a relationship. And as with many relationships that start out, we fell easily into the rhythm of meeting up almost every day, from once a day to twice a day because the nature of our jobs permitted it. We got caught up in the feeling of love and affection that spending a day away from each other got uncomfortable. I guess i can't speak for him. But i surely speak for myself when i said i got uneasy and uncomfortable knowing that i couldn't or wouldn't see him that day. And so, in order to accommodate his timing coz he's was less flexible, i started losing a little part of my own personal space and time. I guess when you're in love or when you're just starting out in a relationship, that is all fine and dandy. But i have always been a strong believer that for a relationship to be sustainable, both parties have to also have their own personal space and time, time with the family, time to do some of their own hobbies, time for their personal friends.
It was great that he brought up this topic and we could sit and talk about it. And i know at the back of my mind, although i would like to spend every living moment with him, in a strange way, i missed my trainings and my team mates. And i missed hitting the pool, taking my bike out for a hard heart pumping session, i missed putting on my running shoes and covering those miles. I felt uneasy that i was once again putting my life on hold. For a relationship to work, there needs to be a certain amount of compromise and sacrifices to be made. And for him, it would have to be probably less time then he would like with his friends, for me, probably less trainings unless i can religiously wake up earlier for training. But i'm sure it can all be worked out with a little effort from both parties.
But what is interesting is that we both had the same thought. I was just thinking to myself that to keep up the meeting everyday wasn't healthy and it was probably less sustainable in the long run. And he mentioned earlier that he had felt the same way although i didn't share my thoughts with him initially. I suppose it gives me a sense of warmth knowing that he also wants this relationship to work and for it to last. And that pleases me to a huge extent.
But our conversation met with a little kink midway. I suppose at the end of the day, because of my personality and because of the unique nature of our relationship, there will always be a part of me that fears him wanting out of this relationship for good and being insecure in the current arrangements. Which is why to me, being able to share something with him is important. I suppose in any given marriage, a couple shares virtually everything. Looking at the context of Singapore society, the average Singaporean shares their home, their bank account, not forgetting, when you become a parent, you share the children and yet the children are individuals in themselves. I know that just because you share a bank account doesn't equate to the person being your life partner. Or just because you shared a house, doesn't mean that you will stay married together for the rest of your life. But i guess given our unique relationship, there will be times when i feel like i'll never ever be a part of him. That we are merely two individuals who met in passing. That there will be a part of me that feels that there will never be anything that we can truly call ours.
Time that we have together is borrowed time. Nights that we hang out together are borrowed nights. I suppose when i say there will never be anything that we can truly call ours, i'm wrong. Coz if i look past the surface and bring it up a couple of levels, then i suppose the love that we share is the one thing that is truly ours. But yet again, this love is shared love. And so, i look for opportunities to share things with him even if they might seem really insignificant to others. Sharing a meal together, putting money together to buy something etc. I'm not even sure whether there should be any basis for the way i feel, but i'll sort it out soon enough. It's just that while he teases me at times about this small issues, i guess it's only because my mind is not wired the same way his is.
Anyway, not sure if i'll blog later. All depends on how i feel. Need to sort out the surrounding before the mind can find the peace and serenity to expand while at rest. Cheers

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