Friday, July 18, 2008

Wake up calls

It's interesting how often in my life, i drift along for the longest of time, before the weirdest thing will serve as a wake up call for me. I must admit that i've never been a very internally motivated person. I seldom find something that i'm so passionate about that i would move the mountains and reach for the stars for them. Unless it's love of course. Love makes me do wonders. Often i find myself in a situation where i would ask myself if faced with the same situation on my own, would i do the same thing? Very often i guess not.
I suppose i've always been like this. Not that because i've always been like this, that makes it right. But i seem to spend most of my life seeking the approval of others whom i deem as important. And very often, i get side tracked off my own plans because i am seeking the approval of that one important person.
But i got a wake up call today. I guess for the last couple of months, i have once again been drifting along. Not anyone's fault but my own. I fall back into the habit when i'm not conscious about it. When i first broke off last November, i had a list of things i wanted to do, things i wanted to achieve. And for the first couple of months, i stuck to the things i wanted to do and achieve. And for those that i had not done, i told myself that i would eventually get to them. At the back of my mind, i had it all worked out. I didn't expect to get attached.
Not that being attached is a bad thing. In fact, it's been one of the greatest things to have happened to me in a while now. For a long time now, i've not been involved in any healthy relationship where we both adore each other. But as mentioned many times before, due to the unique nature of our relationship, i once again felt that i had put my life on hold. It wasn't like he put a knife to my neck and demanded that i sit around and wait for him. It's just me i guess. I would not like to miss an opportunity to see him or meet up with him. And so i wait. But while i am waiting, Things don't get done. While i am waiting, work doesn't get started or completed. And once again, i get side tracked.
The simple of act of putting the atm card into the machine and seeing the numbers being reflected on the screen woke me up big time this morning. I can't even remember when was the last time i had less then 15 bucks in my account. Maybe never since i was given my own atm card at 13? My finances were generally healthy because i've never liked to depend on others. I was always a firm believer of saving for that rainy day. And it was a rude shock. I suppose better now then never. But it's a good shock. At least something fired me up to want to get off my lazy ass and do something.
And because i figured i had to do something, i also had a talk with Darling earlier on in the evening over dinner about my plans and also what i intended to do. I suppose the plans have yet to materialize. But i figured, as long as i had a plan and stuck to it as closely as possible, i couldn't be any far worse then i am today. The problem with me in the last couple of months was i had NO plan at all. Nothing to make me look forward to each day when i woke up other then what time would Darling be free to meet up with me. It was a great talk coz i've never been someone who felt very secure with not meeting up. But he said something about the level of trust that we have with each other and he's right. The best part of my relationship was when i trusted my partner and went out to strive to do more each day, while keeping some time each week to spend with my partner. Quality time and not quantity time. And that eroded when my trust for men went downhill. And from then on, my life just became messy.
So, for all it's worth, i think Darling is someone i can trust. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed. I'll spend the appropriate amount of time on my work, on my training and with the folks, and also factor in time each week to spend with Darling. My take is, after all, it can't get any worse can it?
And by the way, i'm doing my first OD triathlon this weekend. Heading up to PD. Pretty apprehensive about it coz ever since Sundown, i've trained like a total of less then the number of fingers i have on my hands. So, totally unfit, mentally unprepared. But the race holds a far greater meaning to me. Am glad that i'm just doing it. Coz i'm already a month late from completing my first OD triathlon. Completing this would set things back in the course of action for me. Figuratively speaking of course. =)My mantra, one leg at a time. And for the rest of the year, one race, one sale, one meet up at a time. Surely i will get there!

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